BHMS… Emma is sitting across from me, Alison to my right, Gabriella to my left, we’re at our usual table, in the beginning of the day. The lights are off, and there’s a small disco ball causing circles of color to dance all around us. I feel the rough blue carpet against my bare feet, I love it. I love this carpet more than anything. The people around me- I love them all. I love it so much that I lie myself onto the blue carpet, stretching my arms out as far as possible, trying to wrap myself completely in the love. No one finds this strange, nothing is strange here. I know they love me too, and I am consumed with gratitude for my life. Emma suddenly asks the table if they hear something- I close my eyes and listen- “Good Morning, good morning, la la la la”… what? My alarm clock…? No! Please don’t let this be just a dream, please. Shit. I feel a thick layer of mascara pulling my eyelids shut, as I struggle to open them. My room is ferociously cold, and the warmth of the carpet is nowhere to be found. Stumbling like a drunk, I made my way to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. “ugh.” I scurry back into my room, and pick up a robe, the whole house is dark. I hate waking up to darkness. Hmm, looks like she didn’t put out a bowl for me. Lazy bitch. At least she’s not up yet, that’s always lucky. As if by some powerful magic, the grotesque beast swung open her door, and made her way to my presence. Neither of us said anything to the other.

Swallowing the soggy chex cereal was done effortlessly. It was all part of the morning routine. Wake up, eat, groom, get dressed, and leave. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but it ended with me saying, “Fuck you.” This led to her grabbing me by the hair, and pulling me out of my chair.

“BITCH, LET ME GO YOU PIECE OF SHIT” I punched aimlessly in order to free myself from her iron claw. I got in a couple good swings to her right arm, but the death blow was when my trusty playboy bunny ring left two gashes in her forearm, bleeding heavily. Nice. To be honest, I had gotten brutally familiar with these little scenarios in our house. In the past, they had left me curled in a ball on the floor, crying hysterically, but people eventually grow numb, and lose feeling. “Numb”, what a perfect way to it…numb. im just numb.

“Let’s go then”, she screamed, pushing aside the dining room making room for a nice arena.

“You idiot, just shut the fuck up and get out of my way.” I tossed the spoon into the bowl still filled with mush.

“Idiot? ‘Idiot’ you said?

I saw the look in her eye, possibly the one thing about her that still scares me: the look of sheer insanity. Shit. Her hand came down quick and hard. I made no attempt to move away for some reason; maybe I knew that would just make it worse. I felt it like a hammer, pound against my side, over and over. I desperately tried pushing the robe away from the spot she was hitting. One mark, and I’ll be free, just one mark... I went into a state of unconsciousness for a few seconds before I pushed her off.

“Fuck off,” I stormed into my room and slammed the door. She followed within seconds, more was said and the beating continued. There was no tears, just hoarse cries, “Look what you’ve done, you stupid woman, you’ve gone and fucked up your entire life! You’ll never see me again; I’m getting the fuck out of this house forever!”

Call social services. That was the plan, but it never really works out. I wrapped myself underneath the covers and searched for the love I had lost in my dream. She was screaming of course, telling me to get up and go to school, call her mother, so on. I didn’t respond to any of it. First time in my life I had gotten to the point of just not giving a damn about anything. I fell asleep and woke up three or four times over the course of a few hours, she was yelling through it all, thinking I was listening to her every word.

When I woke up for good, (kinda), I was very dizzy. I had trouble standing up without falling down, and my vision was fuzzy. I wobbled to my door, and bumped my head on the mirror. “Hello Gorgeous”, I thought I saw my reflection say to me; then I passed out. I woke up sometime later, (it could have been anywhere from a few minutes an hour, I honestly have no idea) shook my head, and threw on my jacket. I didn’t bother checking the mirror again.

Shit happened in school, too, but I’m too fucking lazy to type it. You know I have a fan club? When I got home, mom told me we should work it out. I then explained we were biologically related only from now on, and I want nothing to do with her. For the first time in months, I cried. peace.

No change, I can’t change, I cant change, I cant change, but I’m here in my mould, I am here, in my mould, but I’m a million different people from one day to the next, I can change my mould no no, no no no.

Later that day…

I just have to post this about something I really have to say. This is about my friend Alison. She’s the best friend in the entire world, and I owe her everything. I realized that she’s the only friend that I have that would never do anything to hurt me, and I love her so much for it. Thank you so much A- peace.