Horoscopes. February 2003
Aquarius: Do not listen to the voice. It is only telling you to do that thing
with the maple syrup so it can make fun of you when you are done. Around
mid-month you will receive news regarding a promotion at work. Do not take it.
They want to send you and some Jell-O out into space and see which one will
float more. It is tedious and more importantly, it will cause a string of
events that will alter the space-time continuum.
Pisces: Do not wear anything blue this month. You may wear blue socks if this
is your chosen color, for we would not want you to break one of Booby's
commandments.
Aries: You will not find a date in time for that Valentine's party that your
friend is dragging you to. It is best to just admit that you are a social leper
and try to cope accordingly (showering with real soap is always a nice place to
start). Best of luck.
Taurus: Your stubborn disposition will serve you well this month. Be weary of
those who would try to persuade you to not follow your gut instincts. Always
think of this advice: The 5-second rule does not apply to all ground surfaces.
Gemini: You will win 5 million dollars, and then you may or may not get hit by
an 18 wheeler. Or is it a bus? Regardless, try to avoid the highway and the
public transit system for the next 30 days.
Cancer: I see fur. Perhaps you will be getting a pet. Or you may go on a date
with a guy named Lenny who has a bad toupee.
Leo: Shut up smart ass. No one likes your constant comments from the G-D
peanut gallery OK. You would better aid society in not offering your opinion
once in a while.
Virgo: An interplanetary disalignment has seriously fucked with your world this
time around. Nothing is where it should be. You will find your socks in the
deep-freeze, and the michelina's in your dresser. You will not have any good
hair days, and don't even try to hit on that cutie in the line for coffee.
Libra: Gremlins will invade your neighbourhood. Make sure that you keep the
cat and dog in for the night and patch up any gremlin-sized holes through which
they could enter your home. They aren't in your house yet, but watch out! You
could end up with the same problems as poor Virgo.
Scorpio: The cutie in line every morning at Timmy's is finally going to ask you
out. Apparently, the person that they were really interested in wouldn't talk
to them. You will find yourselves on a private jet heading for dinner in
Venice. Or at the very least, they will ask you to meet them later for coffee.
Sagittarius: Mid-month you will fall into a hole. You will awaken to the
feeling of ten little badgers gnawing on your toes. I suggest that you go to
the hospital right now and insist upon getting shots for tetanus and rabies.
Because you never know when what I say just might come true.
(Whoahahahahahahahah)
Capricorn: Those stair climbing exercises that you've been doing at the gym
will serve you well young grasshopper. You will need to get out quickly,
perhaps there will be a fire, or maybe they will be giving out a limited number
of candy necklaces for free out on the street in front of your office.
Nevertheless, you will be the first person out oft the building.
Thank you all. Please come again next month
