Anyone who wishes to submit a question (no matter how ridiculous) to the esteemed Elders of the Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken may do so by sending the question to the email address at the bottom of the screen!
HEY YOU!!! I am your worst nightmare! I am George Nash!
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy @$$ through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?
DEAR GEORGE...is it? That was quite a rant. Are you on the magic purple pills? To answer some of your questions.... Maybe Jesse Jackson is not a real reverend in the sense that Dr. Dre is probably not a real doctor. Gas prices will be higher the poorer your community is. I don't know why but this is the way THE PRESENCE has set it up and nobody will question him about it!
Hello Exalted One,
As a long time supporter in the faith and wonder that is the rubber chicken, I am amazed to find this site. Thank you for finally going public. How are the singing fish and three eyed Leprechauns doing? It has been quite a while since I have been able to contact the Presence (Booby2Shoes) through my usual meditative routines and I was wondering If you could tell me why. Why doesn't he love me anymore?
FORGOTTEN in NB
DEAR FORGOTTEN,
Thank you for the support! We are in every corner of the world so we decided that it truly was the time to go public. The three-eyed Leprechauns are doing fine. They have been drinking a lot recently but they are Irish so that's ok :) The Singing Fish are hanging in there but they seem to be getting caught in increasing numbers by trout fishermen. However, do not worry. Our membership has pitched in and bought every Singing Fish a pair of Dentures. The next Fisherman to hook one of them will get quite a suprise if you know what we mean!
We are sorry that you have had difficulty contacting Booby2Shoes. His pager is out of range at the moment...He is quite far away. However, he sent us a fax about a month ago saying that he is on vacation from his intergalactic battle for control of the galaxy and is having a grand old time on a planet inhabited by walking Aero Chocolate bars (both regular and mint flavoured).
Why doesn't Booby2Shoes love you anymore? Have you been following the Commandments of the Magical Rubber Chicken? If you have and you are still not feeling the love, you can rectify the situation by following these instructions:
1)Drink a Beer(brand is irrelevant but it must be in a bottle.
2)Urinate in the beer bottle once the liquid goes through your system
3)Bury the bottle at least four feet underground.
The Presence will love you for as long as the bottle stays buried under the ground. If anyone digs it up, you must repeat this routine and find a better hiding place for the bottle.
DEAR MAGICAL RUBBER CHICKEN
Okay, so today I'm watching tv, when all of the sudden, I hear the dogs going crazy, barking and howling at something in the back yard. At first I thought that they were just responding to another dog's bark, or saw the cat dart accross the yard, or something to that effect, but when I glanced out the window, I saw two of the neighbor kids playing in our back yard! I don't know what they were doing back there, but once they saw me looking at them, they jumped the fence, and were back in their own yard.
What if my dogs had been out? I could just see those two kids being attacked, and the parents blaming us, and even trying to sue us.
Where were their parents? I don't know where the father was, but the mother was in their own back yard, attempting to keep an eye on her other 5 children (and no, that's not an exageration). Either she was not aware where her other two boys were, or she consciously allowed them to enter the area within our fence.
I just don't want anyone to get hurt, and furthermore, I don't want anybody to hurt my property.
ANNOYED WITH THE KIDS, Hamilton, Ontario
Dear ANNOYED,
You are wasting the time of the Highly Exhaulted Leaders with this nonsense. Of course the children will play in your yard. That is what children do. If this really bothers you, talk to their parents.
What if your dogs had been out....? What would you be doing letting dogs that you suspect are capable of attacking people run around loose, hum....? If they attack anybody, you bet your ass you'll get sued. And you'll deserve it! You might even have criminal charges pressed against you. If your dogs attack children, it will be even worse for you. You will be almost certain to lose any court action brought against you. Boneheads like you should not even be allowed to own dogs-or computers for that matter.
We hereby ban you from the Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken and will be sending Jones to supervise the painting of the word "STUPID" on every side of your house. Have a Great Day!
DEAR MAGICAL RUBBER CHICKEN,
I've got a small situation on my hands concerning my home, and I'm hoping I can get some advice from you.
Here's my problem: Today, as I was leaving on an errand, I found a note in my screen door. The note, which was unsigned and completely anonymous, said that our car (an '87 pontiac 6000 which has admittedly seen better days, but is not a total rustbucket) and our boat (a 16-foot gray fishing boat with a homemade steering system -- not exactly pretty, but I don't think it qualifies as an eyesore) are making the neighborhood "look trashy" and "the neighbors are not happy."
We have no idea whatsoever who this could be. We're on okay terms with the neighbors on either side, and neither one of them has said anything to us. In fact, there have been opportunities recently for them to bring it up if it was bothering them. Further, two houses within sight of our house have sold in the last month. Both vehicles are functional; its not as if they're sitting rusting away into nothing.
So now I'm really uncertain what to do. I'm certainly amenable to making changes if people genuinely have a problem, but the fact that it was anonymous makes me unwilling to do anything at all unless these mysterious "neighbors" come forward and talk to us in person. I don't want to be antagonistic, but I also don't want to cave based on a random note.
This is really bothering me, and I just don't know how to respond.
CONFUSED, Quebec
Dear CONFUSED
Do Nothing! The note could have been a prank. Many in the Rubber Chicken Cult have done such things in their younger days and the thing that pissed us off the most is when our targets ignored us.
If the note was not a prank, doing nothing is still the best choice. Whoever placed the note on your door was quite cowardly and does not deserve to have you sucumb to their wishes. The Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken supports your right to make your yard as tacky as you choose. As a matter of fact, we are sending you some tin cans and pink flamingos to put up all over your yard. This guy hasn't seen "tacky" yet!
DEAR MAGICAL RUBBER CHICKEN,
What is your position on the war in Afghanistan?
HELP, I AM ON A BOAT HEADED THERE NOW!, Atlantic Ocean
Dear HELP,
The Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken’s position on the war is very complicated but we will try to give a short explanation. First you must find Kabul, which is located in Afghanistan. Go West. No, not that far west you dummy! Why are we even trying to help you? Look what you’ve done. Why now you are in Iran! Why in the world would you want to go there? Get back to the Afghan border! That’s better. I’m sorry. We did not mean to get so worked up but you must remember that this is a cult and we do not suffer incompetence. Our position is halfway between the border and Kabul. If you come to meet us, please do not step on any land minds. You will just make a mess and we are trying to encourage people to keep the countryside clean.
Dear Magical Rubber Chicken,
I have a friend who insists that Booby2Shoes is a fraud. His name is Davy and he stole the rubber chicken that I talk to as a tribute to the Presence. Please help. He is much bigger than I and refuses to give it back.
LOST MY CHICKEN, Calgary
Dear LOST
Now is a good time to inform our followers of an exciting new development in the evolution of our fledgling cult. A man, who shall henceforth go by the name of Bob Jones (to symbolize the trials and tribulations of the Everyman) has been chosen Supreme Commander of the Army of the Magical Rubber Chicken - an army equaled in number by only the KISS Army. I have dispatched Bob Jones to break both of this Davy's legs as he has broken one of the commandments of the rubber chicken. Insolence of this type cannot go unanswered. Jones will see to it that your chicken idol is returned.
Dear Magical Rubber Chicken,
What are your views on the continuing depletion of the Ozone Layer?
ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS, Antarctica
Dear Conscious,
We fully support the depletion of the Ozone layer by purchasing such consumer goods as air conditioners and refridgerators which have freon in abundant supply.
