The Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken was organized in 2002 by its evil, Canadian-based co-founders: Leaping Leah and Canabilistic Kelly in retaliation for being rejected by the Cult of the Psychotic Wallflowers.
A few hours before the dawn of time a great Presence appeared. This Presence shall henceforth in our scripture be referred to as Booby2Shoes. The Big B was up early that day listening to the sounds of the crickets who were also alive before the dawn of time because what is time? Our Leader, Booby, defines the dawn of time as the “morning of March 23, 200 000 000 BCE.”
While listening to the glorious musical sound of the crickets, Booby realized that he (The Presence is asexual and shall furthermore be referred to at random as he or she, WHY? Just because!) should leave her legacy on the Earth as he was scheduled to conquer a system outside of the Milky-way Galaxy. So Booby then created dinosaurs in his image. He then took a look at his reflection in her tranquil lake and realized that dinosaurs weren’t really what he looked like. Then she killed them all! Yes, this is how dinosaurs really died, REALLY! After many tries, The Presence then succeeded and created a superior being in his own image – the rubber chicken. Actually, he didn’t succeed (he was a terrible artist) but he really had to leave so he just pretended to have succeeded and he created mankind to worship the rubber chicken.
1) One should think that the rubber chicken is the most wonderful thing in the world and not accept substitutes such as the rubber snake.
2) One should master the art of stream of consciousness writing. We will give examples later.
3) Never kill rubber chickens and only go cow-tipping on Thursdays.
4) Squish your feet in peanut butter at least once a month. If you are allergic to nuts, soy margarine will suffice.
5) Dust bunnies are our friends and we feed them non-tangible carrots.
6) You can covet the rubber chicken (because that is understandable) but you can never still it!
7) Booby2Shoes is to be shown due respect when she returns in the year 3682. We must breed miniature elephants for a parade upon his return.
8) One will drink out of two straws at all times.
9) One must pick their favorite color and wear that color socks at all times.
10) En lieu of Booby2Shoes, all must obey the co-founders of this cult or, if they are not available, the singing fish.
11) Remember, think as the Chicken. Do as he.
12) Strawberry Milk is the Official Drink of the Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken. Drink it for healthy teeth and bones-unless you are lactose intolerant because that would just be ridiculous.
13) If the bunny wants the Trix, share it with him. Don't be so greedy!
Horoscopes for Followers of the Way of the Chicken Updated for February 2003
Cult of the Magical Rubber Chicken Dream Interpreter Updated for February 2003
ASK THE RUBBER CHICKEN ADVICE COLUMN updated August 12,2002
