Oh dear, sweet, merciful crap, i love you.
Your sweet sweet face
and your sweet sweet words
and your big silvergold eyes...
i want to wrap my body in your body and lie there forever, all warm and soft against your skin.
Gavin, i love you.
March 3, 12:39 PM EST
I think the main problem with today is that i'm unmotivated.
Don't care.
I've annulled it...*STAMP*...didn't happen.
What Phil Fem paper?
What Art Pol paper?
*STAMP*
Didn't happen!
argh.
There's nothing more exciting than being in love.
And next to that, papers really look dull.
Even duller than usual.
And you painted me a picture...
The stars...
Oh GOD i like you.
It hurts my heart because it feels like it may burst with all the feelings it's trying to hold in,
trying to express with meagre words and actions,
all of which seem so empty when i look into your silvergoldsilvergold eyes
and see you
smile.
sigh.
You're so much more than what i deserve
and i feel like every day is a race to the finish so i can run to your bed and be near you again.
Skin on skin,
hands on hips,
breath on cheek.
i adore you.
And i look at this computer screen,
this essay outline,
this dreadfully long philosophy article that i'm pretty sure was written by someone for whom English is not a first language...
...and all i can think about is you.
All my heart wants is you.
And it's screaming at me,
with a voice louder than thunder and stronger than steel...
...GO GET HIM!...
...and i can't.
I have to stay here and wordprocesseditspellcheckbangmyheadonthistable until i'm finished.
And that's what's wrong with today, today.
February 28, 4:31 PM EST
You're where all the poets go,
You're where all the ashes blow,
You're the kind of maker that makes the whole world come true...
Hawksley gets it.
He gets this whole "love" feeling that permeates every cell of your entire being every instant of every day...
Your power extends not just to the length of your arms,
but all around you,
like a sphere when you pass.
In the hallways, lockers,
to those who hear your voice.
You are a flame.
And you bring yourself to the unsuspecting moths.
Warm and flickering you wrap yourself around me
and what am i to do but feel my skin melt away
and with it all that held me down
all that held me back
liquid-pink on the sheets...
You've changed my life, boy.
I can't tell
Is that your leg
or is it mine?
We're entwined...
There's something about not being able to find words to describe it that makes it all the more magical.
So i'll use other people's words to compose a symphony of you...
About your big silver eyes,
your dark hair,
your incredibly soft skin.
And i'll use these words to weave a blanket
and wrap it around my body
so when you're not here,
you'll still be with me.
...i have no words.
February 21, 5:44 PM EST
There's something that happens when i look into your eyes.
It starts in my chest,
and travels down my arms,
down my legs,
and out my fingers and toes...
it travels up and down my spine
and shoots out the top of my head
and it warms my belly.
What is this thing you do to me?
"I used to think i could explain everything i felt... but i have no words..."
This is the most powerful of the most powerful feelings that i have ever felt.
This leaves my knees weak,
my hands shaking,
my voice unsteady when i sing to you on the edge of my bed.
This is the thing that turns me into a little girl,
and that makes me feel like i'm finally strong enough to be the woman i want to be.
"...you leave me speechless."
Me too pal.
Me too.
And iwantyouiwantyouiwantyou.
And i know this is love.
i KNOW it.
And i know you're not ready.
And that's okay.
Because i don't want anything to ruin this
this perfect thing that we hold between the two of us
this net of electricity and emotion and strength...
Nothing will destroy this.
Not on my watch.
Just hold me,
and touch me,
and tell me everything you ever want to say...
"...you say what i mean before i even know i mean it."
...i'm always listening.
February 10, 4:45 PM EST
Today's Title:Who attaches a parachute to a hook on a helmet?? HONESTLY!!
Wow.
Holy fucking shit you are AMAZING.
..."You say the things i say about you..."
I spent lastnite in your arms instead of studying.
I spent this morning in your arms instead of at work.
..."you're like me, but a girl!"
You're beautifulsexybeautiful... i can't stop thinking about you.
About your wonderfulness.
If i could have one thing,
it would be to share my bed with you every night.
Thankyou so much for being you
and liking me.
January 31, 6:58 PM EST
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
So what the fuck do i do with THIS?!?!
...i haven't been totally forthcoming with you...
Damn straight you haven't.
Honestly.
Is this the kind of respect ALL men have for women?
Is this the kind of respect all men have for their partners?
Sickening.
So i didn't get mad,
but i think that's because i still wanted you.
Still WANT you (present tense).
I still believe you, somehow.
Yep, i'm just THAT stupid.
So tell me.
Tell me all about me and you and you and her and her and me and draw comparisons parallels conclusions...
Then cut me loose like all the rest, or attempt to hang on to me while you fuck around behind my back.
To me, these are the only possible options.
Because i've been the Other Woman,
i've been the one fucking the Other Man.
I know how this works.
And i know who the victims are.
And i will NOT be one of them again.
And i'll tell you one thing.
Since HIM, you were the first one that made me feel totally and completely whole.
Totally and completely me.
And you LIED.
Fuck that.
I actually imagined myself WITH you,
a part of you,
letting you in on me.
And your arms were so warm... and so strong... and they felt safe.
I never imagined.
Never ever.
And you know, i appreciate the honesty.
Cuz HE was never honest.
He kept lyinglyinglying to us all and
it nearly broke me.
So thanks for not waiting too long,
for backing off before it was too late.
But please...
...no more, okay?
January 31, 12:25 AM EST
Do you know why i like you?
...your eyes, your smile... so beautiful.
Yesterday, our time together... so wonderful...
Yeah, that'll do.
That'll do just fine :)
You are adorable.
beautifulsmarttalentedfunnybeautifulsmarttalentedfunnybeautiful.
...This is the part where it gets tough,
Because my words just aren't enough...
...hey, it's okay.
Things this good are worth the wait.
January 26, 9:22 PM EST
Cleary i'm doing something wrong.
Or perhaps i can't read signals.
Or perhaps signals can't read me.
i don't know.
But what was there on Saturday, what was there on Tuesday, is not there now. It's disapparated. Poof. Into thin air...
...strange the way things change, eh?
I'm wondering where i fit in your universe.
I'm wondering where me fits into the order of plans you've laid out, wondering what i can do to make myself a part of that, and why you seemed enthusiastic about it, then...
...nothing.
Strange.
Maybe you could just write a few pages explaining the motivation for the hand-holding, the leg-touching, the hugs, the kisses, the
yeah... yeah... yes. Yes. Call me...*little smile... squeeze my hand...bigger smile...*
maybe you could explain that?
...maybe?
Also, maybe you could explain to me why my heart feels like it's been run over by a Mac truck, despite never having confirmation of any anything.
Is that a common thing, with this sort of event?
See i don't really remember.
The last relationship i had before the TTDS was 4 years ago (4 and a half, really), and i don't have any clue how i got that started, or why it worked.
And frankly, i have no clue how to decode whatever it is you're (not)telling me, and it HURTS.
I really like you, stupid.
...why don't you like me?
January 23, 11:45 PM EST
...i like the boy... i really like the boy...
...does he like me?
You're so kind.
You're SO kind...
Little brown eyes, shiny glasses, big smile
...i remember when you had braces to fix your jaw...
...i remember that.
i thought it was cute.
And we were there and there and there and everywhere and you were just so fun and wonderful...
And you held my hand (morethanfriendly) and you kissed my cheek (morethanfriendly) and you said...
yeah... yeah... yes. Yes. Call me...*little smile... squeeze my hand...bigger smile...*
And i so want to kiss you.
i SO want to kiss your lips and taste your mouth and hold your body close to mine... closer still...
Because you're just SO good to me.
Always have been.
And if you just want to be friends that's okay.
And if you just want to be friends that's okay.
And if you just want to be friends...
...i'll pretend it's okay and i'll wear the smile and say the words that make it seem alright, all natural...
...but please.
PLEASE.
Want more than that.
January 17, 12:14 PM EST
It's been so long since i've seen you... you're starting to fade into a dull memory. And the funny thing is, the more contact we have, the less i want.
It's really HIM i miss,
not you.
HE was ALWAYS nice, never ever anything but sweet and sincere.
YOU were nothing but deceptive deceptive deceptive.
The thing i miss the most
is not sex
but having a body in my bed curled around mine.
Where are all the good ones, anyway?
January 7, 12:24 AM EST
Wow, that was incredibly mean.
i had no idea you had it in you.
And i was so surprised and shocked i almost cried
and i never cry.
Not for nobody uhuhnoway do i cry.
So feel special.
If you meant to knock me down a peg, it worked.
I'm waaaaaaaaaaaay down.
So i guess i'll stop trying to be the funny one,
the one people pay attention to in crowded rooms...
..."and she wouldn't shut up the end."
...because clearly, no one gives a shit about what i have to say.
Thanks for the reminder.
January 5, 12:36 AM EST
You left today.
You got on a plane and flew far away... you've been in the air 6 hours now and i miss you so much.
i didn't know i could miss someone so much that i hardly even knew.
The whole thing of it is, maybe it's not you i miss... maybe it's the idea of you... the thought that maybe we could have been something... that we could have been anything, really... anything more than what we were...
...i still remember the curves of your body against mine, the hair on my arms standing up straight when you kissed me... i still remember that.
I was lucky, in a sense, to have known you at all. And i'm sure when you return in somanymonthsfromnow that things will teeter on the same line, hold the same bizarre awkwardness and unrealistic expectations that they did when you left...
...because really, she's perfect for you, and i'm so many other things...
I'm starting a new semester in a new program created by me for me and i've lost two of my friends... i've lost you, who flew so far away, and you who simply denied my reality and prefered instead to toy with my emotions...
And as i said to the girl that knows, it's like starting all over...
...like a blank page...
And really, it doesn't sound that bad.
It doesn't sound like it should hurt as much as it does...
...but it does hurt.
It hurts a lot.
And i'm wondering if i really am strong enough to keep going, to remember the Girl that Was, the girl that had so much going for her...
...but we define ourselves on what we are not, and what i am not is complete whole together.
But what i can be is limitless.
So on your plane,
or in your new fancy apartment,
think of the Girl that Was/Girl that Is
and hold out hope for her.
Hope that she, too, will find her wings.
January 2, 11:19 PM EST
I spent the past few days with people i knew, people i didn't know, and people i wish i didn't know. And it was lots of fun... i got to be myself for an entirely new crowd, tested out my new bits, experimented with parts of my personnality that i thought i had forgotten to pack... and i made some new friends, alienated some people, and even got my hand held as i watched the Count of Monte Cristo.
...and all the while,
as per usual...
...i was thinking about you.
Watch When Harry Met Sally.
If you can watch the whole middle part... where they meet up after 10 years and become incredible friends...
...if you can honestly say that doesn't remind you of me'n'you... you'n'me...
Oh well.
Welcome, 2003.
You took your sweet time getting here.
December 28th, 11:49 PM EST
Drinking wine and watching "Philadelphia" with mom... a good way to end a strange day in a world where i don't know my borders, don't know where to tread...
There's a scene...
...if you've seen the film you'll know already the scene i mean...
...Tom Hanks is listening to opera with Denzel Washington...
He hears every word, every instrument, every inuendo of sound and every soft entrance of the strings that change everything...
..."Listen to 'Cry Freedom'...listen for the bells...
...That's my favourite part of you.
My favourite above all favourites.
And i hope that's her favourite part, too.
...i want front-row tickets, and i want to be thanked in the program...
...Okay?
December 27th, 1:10 PM EST
If i told you i was in love with HIM, would that make a difference?
I'm thinking of you in a grey sweater, and remembering your smell.
Remembering how it lingered on my pillowcases and my sheets for days and days and how i could wrap myself in it and think of you me us...
I can't tell, is that your leg, or is it mine?
We're entwined...
And there's this little moment i wish for...
The moment when your hand left your side
and found its way to my cheek...
...and i told you to stop but you couldn't,
and i didn't really mean it anyway...
That was a day when things started to fit together.
When they started to make sense.
And then there was another day... when you were just a disembodied voice on the other end of the telephone saying words like,
"I'm sorry..."
"I didn't mean to..."
"I was lying to myself, too..."
But you were only lying to me.
In your own head you knew all too well how far i could be pushed,
how much shit i would take before i was forced to tear you limb from limb...
...which i never did get to do, by the way...
...never really wanted to, either...
Then he came along, and i was so sure he would make it better.
With the big blue eyes and the great white smile...
...and everything made sense again.
But he's leaving, and you're leaving, and i get to stay here with the pieces and reconstruct a girl that i'm not sure even exists anymore...
...oh well.
I'll be fine.
I always am.
December 27th, 12:11 AM EST
I am in love with a McDonald's girl.
There is only one thing that i will ever regret, and that thing is that i opened my heart.
I believed.
But really, not all of this can be blamed on me. Sure, i was trusting, sure, i was honest... and i got stung, and i have to accept the consequences of such naive acceptance of people's words.
I was at a party on Monday. I was at a party with the people i grew up with, with men i've dated and women i've kissed and friends that have held my hand through everything, and who've always had a bowl for me when i need one. And as i sat and talked with these people, listened to the stories of their lives and what they've done since we parted ways, i realized that all of us are changing... some for the better, some for the worse... but mostly that the changes are teaching us about ourselves.
And there are a number of these people i never want to see again, and even more i think i'd die without.
And of course, as always, the drum made its annual appearance. And the music started, as it always does, with just a beat and a wave of voices who added their sound when inspiration struck them...
...and all i wanted was for you to be there with me.
It's silly, really.
It's silly to imagine you with me,
me with you,
...us.
Because, you're happy...
...right?
