adam w *instead just sent me an email, yes yes he did. tee hee. adam. why is there no one to tell right now right now right now who would find that funny?!?
23 November 2003 1220
hell week hath begun. i'm off to move into the playhouse. no, seriously. i'm taking a toothbrush and a pillow. catch you kids in a couple of weeks.
15 November 2003 1035
so scared, i'm so scared. how did i get past this before? oh i remember... i believed in it all. you! you have ruined me for this and usually i don't hate you but right now i do. even if you didn't know. even if you thought it was all perfect. even if you had no idea i would ever be with anyone else. i *want* this now. everything is wonderful and he's such a sweetheart and good for me and i'm scared because of YOU. i may have hurt him today just because of that. i hope not. if i cannot get over this huge fear, i will never ever forgive you. you don't have to feel guilty but you really should know. just add this on to the list of ways you've hurt me. and don't ever do it again.
it's good in a way because i don't want anything fake. at least i grew up enough to know that. i wish i hadn't grown up so much sometimes though. this could be all great and not quite deep and sweet if i didn't know it could be more. i don't know if i can get there again, though... or if i was ever there in the first place. i don't know anything except that there are three words, eight letters, that scare me. very non-threatening words. except to me.
9 November 2003 0051
so i've lived through the month of the awful one-year anniversaries, and actually came out ahead. way ahead. *yeah* i did. boys are fun.
anyways, so for the past year, i've been losing interest in theatre. i started to like it only because of the people who were there, which isn't exactly how it's supposed to work... theatre people are too flighty to put trust in them. i kept saying to myself that every show would be the last one i would do; that it wasn't worth the trouble anymore. i never followed through with that, though, because i kept hoping it'd get better. plus, i can't do anything else. i mean, i'm not so great at everything theatre requires but at least i've learned to bs it damn well.
but yeah, so today... i got it all back. i was headed up to the top of the orhs auditorium to risk my life for the good of the masquers show, and somewhere between 1st catwalk and the grid, i stopped noticing the paint fumes and annoying people and blisters on my hands. i'm not sure what it was, exactly, but there was something about my purpose... that i had a job to do and i knew how to do it and damn it i was gonna get it done. it was just me, a couple of unipoints, my common sense, and the grid. there's something about balancing in dusty slippery tennis shoes on a narrow metal ladder rung, or even better, on the narrow metal crosspieces that make up the grid, dodging the pulley wires and ducking under the air vents. i felt so removed from the chaos onstage while i was up there... and completely powerful. the responsibility and accountability is what i was missing, i think. if i screwed up, i'd fix it. and if i did it right, then *i* did it. this is good news and bad news... as now i know i can't make myself stop doing theater, even though that would make my life so much easier and less stressful. but good in that... the whole day was so calming. i knew what i was doing. i had something to do. i did it. step, step, step.
in other news, life is grand. simply grand. i'm kicking jr year's butt, ben is wonderful, i have three shows in the next month, i have these kick-ass halloween pajamas, and i made $35 tonight. also i got to see joan and holly last week at the expense of almost missing the bus back to oak ridge... and seeing joan's halloween costume was totally worth that. those two made my day. so i'm doing greeeeaaat. of course, i didn't understand the matrix (not that i really tried....), but hey, you win some, you lose some. back
