so at some point i was excited to be leaving for gov school because i needed to get away from it all. i see now that distance has no effect on me being "away from it." in fact, it just makes me worse, because i'm alone with my thoughts. i don't have anyone to talk to to calm me down when memories are haunting me or when i'm beating myself down or when people are hurting me. and people in oak ridge still have the power to hurt me, but mostly only when they're not trying to. and i keep torturing myself with alternating emotions of anger, loneliness, hostility...
and all of this is directed at people who are not here. there is no one here that i dislike. there is no one here who is being mean to me. there is no reason for me to be unhappy. except the swirling torture chamber that is my head, especially now that i've finished harry potter and have no further distractions. i don't know why i can't just let go and be in the moment but i'm still seeing pictures of events long past and being upset by things i shouldn't remember anymore. and there's no one here to save me from myself.
none of this is to say that i'm unhappy or whatever. i'm really not. it's just that sometimes, someone'll say something to provoke a whole string of memories, or i'll be by myself and thinking, and there's not a really good distraction. it doesn't happen all the time of course, but i just did it again, and that's why i'm ranting about it. but now i must write a paper on tibet, which should be sufficient distraction, even if i wasn't shooting inconspicuous looks over at the cute guy to my left. write me letters, and that is all.
June 19 2003 23 14
WHOOOOO HOOOOO there's a COMPUTER in the room next to mine!!!! whooooooo hoooooo! i LOVE THIS! and i love pizza, and sagar's not bad either. wheeeeee
June 19 2003 8 24
i hate chinese. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i'm just going to ask one of the many chinese-speaking people to do this for me. i'm surprised i didnt think of that before now. of course, they're all full of ethics and stuff. those damn asians. really. man , i keep forgetting i'm in a different world. every time i say "damn asian" or "dirty asian" i have to explain that it's really a loving term of endearment. i've nearly lost some friends over this. people are too damn sensitive. and the "i want your buddha" thing... yeah. i was doodling on my notes from a lecture the other day and i drew jalopie, jalopie jr, and wrote "I WANT YOUR BUDDHA" in extremely large letters. then we were told to fold the paper into an airplane and throw it, and someone would bring it back to us later (we'd already been told to put our names on it). ughhh... and then a boy, amid a laughing group of girls i don't really know, hands it back to me and says "heyyyyyy... i want your buddha too..." if i got embarrassed, that would have been embarrassing. as it was, i was just annoyed at my stupidity for introducing inside jokes into gov school. but hey, study hall class.... nice buddha.
things that've happened thus far, in no particular order:
built the great wall of china stole a shopping cart named it roger talked to a policeman stacked the deck in rev (and won and won and won) finished two books gotten sick from ice cream three-legged umbrella race through the rain pulled out my cell phone in front of a counselor fell asleep in the front row of a lecture right when the lecturer was standing directly in front of me wished you guys would write me letters!
okay. that is all.
June 17 2003 8 fricking 29 in the fricking morning
i know what day it is because i had to sign out this morning. yup. i'm doing more chinese. i just translated four characters, which together should form a word or phrase, and they translated to "right, just," "to hold the moon in both hands," "method" and "to immerse in water." after i nearly cried, i put down that the whole expression means "to drown" and moved on. yeah i'm learning a lot. i'm reading some good books though... catch 22, ender's shadow, confucius lives next door, and i'm going to start the prince today. this is instead of doing the reading for class during study time, if you're wondering. and now i'm going to be late for my frustrating chinese class and get a bad seat again. which sucks. so i'll run. (it's SO FAR AWAY!)
sister, write me a pretty letter! or call me! or both! i miss you!
it's the day after last entry, at 8-frickin-25 in the morning. DAMN i hate getting up.
Joy A rcangeli Governor's School for International Studies South Hall 3825 Goodman Road The University of Memphis Memphis, TN 38152
love me!!!!!!!
still haven't translated that chinese i was supposed to do last night. nor have i read the assignment for today's global class. i'm doing well, i must say! and i'm about to be late for language class so i must go.
i love and miss you all. SEND ME LETTERS AND FOOD!
i have no idea what day it is. they are irrelevant now. but it's 17 50
so i'm at gov school. definitely nothing like i expected, and nothing nearly as fun as tip. they aren't encouraging us to all be friends, and there's not that "i love you because you're a tipster" spirit that i'm accustomed to. and there are three - count them, THREE - hot guys, and one is taken and i think i already pissed another off. leaving me with one, who looks kinda like samir, which is good, because i still adore samir. um. there's a couple of cool girls, but the problem is that so many people came with people that they know, and i didn't. so there's these little built-in groups that happened before we even got here. that's kinda annoying; i'm definitely not used to that. but. i guess it'll be okay. we get lots of free time, and if i could just think of something to do in free time and someone to do it with, i'll enjoy myself. i still don't have the address - i wrote it down but it's on my dresser - but as soon as i finally find it i will put it up here and expect letters.
oh my god, these dorms. they're the athletic facilities and they ROCK! i share a bathroom with my roommate and the adjoining room - double sink, big shower. there's a closet AND a dresser AND a desk AND a chair. for BOTH OF US. last year, i shared two dressers, one desk and two chairs with two other girls. and that sucked. my roommate is a sweetheart, though she's quiet. i've relied on other people before to help me meet people and that strategy is totally not working this year, which is why it sucks. i miss you, leigh!!! anyways. there's carpet in my room. i fucking kid you not. CARPET. it's NICE carpet!!! and a phone jack and internet connections - not that i brought a computer - and i don't feel like i have to put on shoes to touch the floor. so i like my room. too bad i have to leave it. oh, and breakfast is just down seven stairs, straight ahead and to the left, but it sucks. no choices. one thing, and you have to eat it. at least last year if i couldn't stomach the hot food, i could have yogurt and granola (thus my current lactose intolerance) or noodles or something. this afternoon, the meat was unidentifiable, so i skipped it and had no protein and now i would KILL for some food. but i'm all the way across campus in a computer lab and i'm going to be late for dinner. not that anyone cares, or will notice. but hey. i'll update more later, after i translate my chinese.
14 June 2003 23 12
i leave tomorrow. i'm getting kinda nervous and i haven't finished packing. nor have i cleaned my room. i *did*, however, just finish a father's day card, of which i am proud. but. i'm back in i-don't-wanna-go mode, and i can't find my address there so i can't post it or email it or anything. which makes me sad, because i want letters as soon as possible. i guess the first thing i'll do tomorrow, right after securing the bottom bunk (because heat rises) and the nearest dresser, is run to a nearby computer and send out the address like the lonely pathetic person i am. ;-). um. yeah. so i have to go sit on my suitcase some more, and worry some more about what i've forgotten to pack, which cannot possibly be anything important as i've packed half the stuff in my room. at least half. one of these days, i really need to learn how to pack less. anyways, i love you all and i hope i have computer access soon. call me and leave me fun messages!
13 June 2003 23 30
it's happening again. don't ask me what "it" is, because i won't tell you if you don't already know. and you probably don't already know, because i can only recall telling one person that i'm worried that "it" will repeat itself. i can feel everything falling into place again... the trust, my isolation, the atmosphere. it's nearly like deja vu, in a twisted way. i'm worried and thrilled at the same time. because it's all very exciting, even though i'm sure i'm going to be hurt. there's no way to avoid that now. once i trust someone, i will be hurt. it's a rule. sometimes it takes a week and sometimes it takes four years, but it will happen.
so i'm both glad to be going to gov school and depressed about it. i don't want to leave here, not now, because of people i'll miss so horribly. but i need to get away, get some perspective, get some new scenery. of course, going away from it all is what really started "it" last time. and now that i have thoroughly confused everyone, i'll stop. i wish i didn't feel like i had to be so cryptic. i'm gonna get bitched at for that, i know.
hollywood-ukraine tonight. watched the whole thing this time; didn't stomp out and go talk to crazy people in the middle. good thing too, because brian is damn funny and sings a whole lot. gosh, but the boy is good. he needs a tan, but he is a vocal god. a pale god, but a god nonetheless. who was it that once told me she'd marry brian if he would just sing all the time? or was that someone else talking about anthony warlow? i cannot remember now. if it was said about brian it was probably to slam his social skills, but ahh well. who *wouldn't* want to hear him sing? i was in such a hurry to not miss any of the show that i nearly killed myself when i skipped the door coming out of the spotbooth and went over the railing instead. had it *worked* it would have been much faster and quiter and i wouldn't have missed any of him singing, but it unfortunately, due to some badly-placed metal things, turned out loudly and drawn-out and qhuite painfully. well, you win some and you lose some. at least no one got mad at me...
i have not even begun to pack and i leave tomorrow. or sunday morning. it keeps changeing and i can't remember. i don't want to pack because it requires so much concentration and i don't like to admit that enough time has passed that it's time for governor's school to start and when i get back, summer'll be more than halfway over. plus i miss the fourth of july. which is crap, because ashley and i had planned to continue our own personal traditional celebration, involving fireworks and at least one police car. daaaamn.
i can't find my address for gov school. maybe i'll locate it before i leave tomorrow. once i post it here, and i will at some point, i expect the letters to begin rolling in. kinda like the money rolls in, in evita. (i am such an alw geek... or, as i prefer to refer to it, "cultured") ANYWAYS. you all must write. don't worry, i'll send you at least one email reminding you to write me a letter. don't think that responding to my email qualifies. it doesn't. you get bonus points for an email AND a letter, but an email on its own is worth nothing. wow, so you devoted three minutes of your online time to me, while you were talking online and on the phone and listening to music. no. i want an actual, handwritten letter. not that i'm being demanding or anything.... ;-). but here's the deal... you write me and i swear i'll write you back. and then we BOTH get a good old-fashioned hand-written loving letter. it's totally a win-win situation. if only i could find my address.
13 June 2003 00 24
eh. stress and overexhertion and being not-so-appreciated really do take their toll on me. today i stomped out of the playhouse and refused to go back in. met some interesting people. i always do that. when i'm in a bad mood, i just go talk to random people. these people came to me, though. i thought they were on something at first because they were all so open with anything they had to say, but then i realized that's just how they were.
everyone has a story and a lesson to teach . i love it when i'm reminded of that. janie, she's had quite a life. a hard life. but she still believes in making other people happy. freedom is everything, in her mindset. and vicki. vicki trusts no one, because everyone she's ever trusted has hurt her in some way. smoking calms her down, but, she says proudly, if she's wrapped up in a job she can go until two in the afternoon without a cigarette. then there's nate. i reminded nate of his girlfriend, who died of cancer. he asked me to promise that i'd go snowboarding someday, because he loves it and she loved it when he taught her and he believes everyone needs to try it. he started smoking because of a "fucking dare." when he was sixteen, it snowed where he lived and he was the only one with a snowmobile. some older boys told him that if he'd let them pile on the back, they'd buy him a pack of cigarettes when they got to the store. marlboro mediums, he said, remembering. they gave him one pack, and then he asked for another, and another. he's never tried to quit. he wants everyone to open their minds. learn stuff, he says. everyone has something to say, if you just listen, you'll get it all.
i find people so interesting. i always have. i like for them to talk and tell me what's important to them and what upsets them and why they think that is, where they come from and where they're going, what they want. it calms me down, to listen to other people's stories. i like to see how they're similar to mine, or dissimilar. i want to understand them. for this reason, i was completely enthralled by my conversation with these strangers, whereas many other people would have been annoyed or grouchy or ten feet away if they had been approached by one of these three. even when i hate people, like tonight, i still am pleased by hearing life stories and lessons and how people have dealt with events. i don't want to deal with people, but i want to learn about them. makes me seem almost like a scientist studying a foreign species. odd...
in other news, i have decided what i'm going to name my truck. it has a story with it too. but i'm not going to type it here because i'm tired. i am pleased with it, though.
10 June 2003 19 41
iiiiiiiii can DRIVE!!!!!
if you'd like to know just what it is i'm driving so you can stay out of the way, see the picture gallery. it's in there. i love my baby truck.
9 June 2003 23 06
so, because i don't feel like going to bed just yet, i'm going to recount a list of my favoritest presents.
an i heart nerds shirt, from sarah. because we heart our nerds. i love that she remembered that i said i wanted this shirt.
silver rings, from mother. so i can have pretty hands like sara waddle
america's most wanted playing cards, from logan. which crack my shit up. esp the five of diamonds
a gold necklace, from dee dee. which is special because she is my old babysitter, from when i was one to when i was about seven. i haven't talked to her in at least a year and a half, and she not only remembered exactly when my birthday was, but that this one was my sixteenth. i feel so special
a derisive card, from and created by prish. insulting, as always, but it was funny. i love personalized cards.
a bracelet with the drama masks, from my grandmother. i'll never, ever wear it, but the fact that she spent so long looking for something that was associated with my love of theatre makes me all warm and fuzzy
ender's game, from tony. he remembered that i mentioned that i wanted to read it, three months ago. in the meantime, i read it and loved it but didn't mention it, and his amazing powers of recall lead him to purchase it for me. he even wrapped it. i feel loved.
a flaming lips cd, from tara. which is wonderful because of how it was chosen. she knows that i always associate music with guys, which tends to be bad when they make me unhappy. and the guys i spend time with have such eclectic taste that nearly all of my music reminds me of someone. so she took me to walmart and pointed me at the cds and told me to find one that would never remind me of anyone hurtful. and i did. i feel so out of touch with that girl right now, but wow, she sure did good today.
i am a really materialistic person, a fact i freely admit, but that's not why i made this list. this is totally not about the *stuff* i got today, but rather the *love* i got today, as damn corny as that sounds. all these people got me these great, funny, touching gifts. they actually thought about what i would like. they remembered stuff i said. they put effort into making me happy. *such* a great day. and now i'm going to go put in my new cd and reread ender's game until i fall asleep. good night.
9 June (!!!!!!!!) 2003 21 23
an excerpt from my uncle's birthday email:
"Anyway I want to wish you a happy 16th birthday- and no- I don't think you are sweet 16: Maybe an articulate, creative, petulant, obdurate, witty, high-maintenance, persistent and sarcastic 16- but singularly and emphatically not sweet! Enjoy it."
the man knows me well. you are welcome, by the way, to leave your thoughts about me being "sweet sixteen" in my newly-changed guestbook. (yes, sister dear, i changed the questions because you were tired of them. the things i do for you.)
anyways, thank you to everyone who's remembered my birthday today. it's really been a great day. i've gotten some wonderfully thoughtful presents, some delightfully entertaining phone calls, and a few surprising emails and cards. i love you all!
8 June 2003 23 27
okay. so ryan and i have decided that you have to hit a low before anything can get better. okay. good. i think we're at the low for the week. and i think stuff is already getting better.
8 June 2003 23 09
so, i really think it's rather unfair that i have to deal with this many issues and this many surprises and this many disappointments this close to my birthday. i'm sorry, no one was showing interest in doing anything with me, so i planned my own day, and now the day i planned isn't okay with anyone. peter says that's the sign of a good compromise... everyone's unhappy. if so, this is quite the compromise, as i'm possibly the most unhappy of all. i think i'll go to bed in about four minutes and hopefully it'll all be better tomorrow. i wonder what tony got me. at this point, a smile would be good.
7 June 2003 22 57
so my birthday party was great fun, i thought. swimming in clothes... yes, excellent plan. I haven't been swimming in *years* because i hate wearing a bathing suit, but street clothes solves that problem nicely. except when i got air bubbles in my shorts and they decided to just float up and show my yellow joe boxer underwear to everyone... but there was a cute smily face on them so it's okay. ANYWAYS. i now am the proud owner of an I Heart Nerds shirt AND a pack of America's Most Wanted playing cards. both of which i love dearly. we broke in the playing cards with a rousing game of rev, which was interrupted frequently with people reading, loudly, the names of the cards in their hands. we were all under the mistaken impression that someone else would somehow find us reading aloud amusing, as though not everyone else was doing it at the same time. for the record, Abd Al-Baqi Abd Al-Karim Abdallad Al-Sadun remains the coolest. he kinda has this great deer-in-the-headlights stare, and who can resist the glasses....
gosh, i really need to stop judging people immediately upon meeting them. when i first met amanda, i strongly disliked her. but now that i've actually gotten to know her (not by choice, i was forced, but now i'm glad), i think she's great. we gossipped for hours today. girl talk is fun in small doses; i don't do it nearly enough anymore. i have all these deep conversations or else i'm whining or someone else is whining and i never just have super-shallow conversations about who's cute and who's datable and who's done what recently... *sigh*. so that was amusing. brian and tony left us to go to dinner and we made great use of our unsupervised time to go all-out in telling stories about them. but it's okay, says amanda, because they were probably talking about me while they were gone. i'm not sure what she's implying.
brian and tony are so funny together. i've never been around them together in a situation where they're not stressed out or worried about what other people are thinking. but tonight it was just amanda, me, and the boys. ahhh, it was great. brian was dancing and tony was singing and both of them were teasing me. the atmosphere had been kinda sharp all day, and suddenly it turned warm and friendly and cordial. those guys... they're my boys. i can count on them for anything and i can say anything to either of them. they mock me relentlessly and deride each other and laugh and call names and it's because we love each other. i adore relationships like that, where love is expressed in teasing. it's so comfortable, somehow.
anyway. tony is good for brian. i've always known that. i think he helped brian grow up and get through high school and divorced parents and all that. but tonight i finally saw how they work together, and it's not just tony leading brian as i always thought. obviously, in set construction, tony does have the upper hand. but brian's like me. tony gives him a job and you can tell that brian's attitude is "yeah, okay, i'm only doing this because i WANT to." brian's not as shy as i always thought. i've kinda laughed at him in the past, saying that he has no personality once he comes offstage. well, that's not quite true. he's fine, as long as he's comfortable with the people he's around. he starts conversations in casual company. he tells jokes and finishes tony's sentences and does funny 80's dance-party poses (to go along with the 80's dance-party radio station that amanda chose. man i feel young). i need to spend more time with him. i underestimate him a lot.
so i was celebrating because i'll be able to drive in three days. and brian says, so you'll be turning sixteen? i say yes, and make a face, remembering how he once thought i was seventeen and how young i am compared to them. brian sees my face, exchanges a look with tony, and then says to me "you know, there's nothing wrong with being sixteen..." he's damn right. there's not a thing wrong with it. i always feel inferior because i'm younger or less experienced or only just now a junior or whatever. but dammit, everyone else was at one point or another, too. and i've known this, of course, but it makes it easier when brian says it and then tony nods agreement. i'm tired of trying to be older. i want to be exactly fifteen and three hundred and sixty three days. because that's what i'm supposed to be. and there's no point in trying to be older. i'll get there eventually. i used to want to be fifteen. and now i want to be eighteen. but when i get there, i'll already want to be twenty-one. it's just wishing perfectly good years away . there's no point, either, in being ashamed of being younger. no one with any decency will ever think less of me for being an age that they used to be. such a simple concept, and it took me so long to figure out.
5 June 2003 23 44
wow. religious people never fail to surprise and amaze me. Everything is so commercialized. wasn't it a bible thing that material possessions don't matter? you'd never know it from all the god junk they sell and pressure you to buy - entire christian stores full of inspirational books and journals and jewelry and car decorations. apparently, coveting material possessions is fine as long as they're the properly pure and certified possessions. double standards...
so my birthday is in four days and it's really shaping up to be great.... or, you know, not. my parents don't want to get me the one thing i asked for (i understand why not, i asked for an ipod and it is damn expensive) plus, on my birthday, dad and steven have scouts and mother teaches. i don't really have anyone to do anything with that day, because my party is tomorrow. i guess i'll just go to the playhouse and babysit later, for the campbell kids. they're so cute. they're going to make me a birthday cake. i know tony'll do something sweet for me, too. so now that i think about it, even though my birthday will kinda suck by most people's standards, i'll enjoy myself. the playhouse is where i'm most comfortable, because i'm being useful and productive, and tony always makes me feel special. and then, what better way to avoid drama than playing with an 8 yr old and a 10 yr old?
i think a long time ago i had asked ryan to take me to dinner on my birthday but i don't know about that now. and tara won't want to hang out with me either. so many people have just left me that now i'm pushing people away, on purpose, i think, though it is subconsciously. i think i'm trying to isolate myself. even the people i'm around, and enjoy being around, i'm distancing myself from. it's safer that way. yesterday, i didn't answer my cell once all day because i just didn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere besides the playhouse. (and then mother answered the house phone and i ended up going to a movie. but it was okay.)
i hung out with reggie today for about half an hour, waiting for him to post the cast list so i could call joan and she could breathe again. i hardly ever get to talk to him, just me and him. as best as i can tell, reggie feels responsible for me in a convaluted big-brotherish-protective relationship. but he doesn't interfere, he just watches and then comes in to pick up the pieces. at any rate, i'm fond of him. he's funny, because he's friendly but so proper. i mean, he's quite the one for rules, but even though he makes them all, he also follows them. and he sees social boundaries and stays in them. he suggested that i drive without my lisence and immediately said "i shouldn't have said that. i'm encouraging your corruption." which of course he followed with "not that i could corrupt you." he thinks he's more innocent than i. that's funny, in a strange and slightly uncomfortable way, because he's an adult. but i really have seen and done and dealt with and experienced much more than him, and more than i ever should have. in a way i'm kind of glad. i don't know, because it's all over. i'll never be curious about anything, now. but is that a good thing? i've half-grown up. the part of me that's seen it all makes me think of everyone else my age as a "kid", and i'm somehow not. but the other part of me, the part that's still in high school, is scared of everything and just wants to be sixteen, like i'm supposed to be. i'm too serious, now.
it's amazing, even if i'm in a good mood all day, putting me in front of a computer screen makes me pensive and makes me rememeber everything that's currently upsetting me. so this is really not an accurate representation of my mood tonight, especially since i just downloaded about 40 new songs. but it's what i've typed and i'm tired so i'm saving it and going to bed.
even if i'm distancing myself from you, i still love you.
*WARNING* I am very much upset tonight. I was angry, but that's deteriorated to shame, frustration, and sadness.
The things that have cheered me up tonight have been surprising and different. Susan. Who is a whole lot like me and understands. It's rather creepy at times. But hey, just knowing that I'm not alone makes me very happy. And then Peter, who listened to me whine and made me smile. His brazen arrogance always makes me laugh. And then there's little things that are keeping me from having a complete breakdown. I'm enjoying capitalizing letters right now, for instance. You'll notice that this has been a very well-punctuated, spelled, and edited entry. The rigor and rules of it are calming me down even now. Also, I cut my hair and it is super-cute. I love it. I'm playing with it now. Which I enjoy. These are all good things. So why have I been so down?
That's not really right. I have been completely up and down for the past three or so days. But I feel like the "ups" are all just covering the "down", that's still there, just lurking. The best reason I can come up with for this is that I'm very unsettled right now. The things I want, I can't get; but I mostly just don't know what I want. Reality disappoints me, as always. I disappoint myself. I confuse myself. I really just want to go to governor's school for the change of scenery and change in people. I really need that right now.
[remainder of this edited due to excessive complaints and pathetic-ness]
3 June 2003 23 35
if i don't know what i want, how can i possibly expect to ever end up happy?
2 June 2003 20 30
i was talking to amanda today, which in this case basically means i was thinking out loud and amanda was listening, and i came to a realization. do you know what alcohol is? it's an excuse and an illusion. it's an excuse for stupidity, for lateness, for rudeness, for clumsiness. because hey, you're drunk, so it's all okay, right? you can act like an idiot and it's suddenly socially acceptable. it's an excuse to bring out sides of yourself which you *want* to show, but are afraid to. if people laugh at them, you write it off to the stupidity that comes with a high blood alcohol content.
you can say that alcohol is good in small amounts because it makes people more social and it makes people happy, but that's the illusion part. people don't suddenly become more social. that's a personality thing. maybe they say things they ordinarily would have kept inside, but the things were there all along. if a person is sociable when they're drunk, they have the capacity to be sociable when they're sober. they just have to brace themselves for the possibility of rejection and say those things they normally would keep quiet. it feels *safer* to be sociable when you're drinking. it feels more secure, and it is, because no one is really in the state of mind to make fun of stupidity. but the fact remains that a person is not made sociable by alcohol. now, loud and obnoxious is another matter. and the making people happy thing... it's an illusion. because, the next morning you wake up with a hangover and only spotty memories of idiotic activity, and then are you happy? no, you are not. you are in pain, you are having regrets, you are probably looking for your clothes and your wallet and your car keys, and the party's over, babe. does that make people happy?
every so often, i have a sort of craving for alcohol. for that lifestyle that i associate with it - wild nights, laughing people, risk. and then i think about the reality of the situation, and remember that the only part of that ideal that's right is the risk. alcohol doensn't create fun situations. it only makes lame situations seem fun. and that kind of deception is not what i want for myself. i don't see why others do.
and that is what's on my mind today. not that you care.
