to make a point for chris, no i don't hate the world. not even most of it, or a large part. i *do* hate tech week in some ways, and i *do* hate writing position papers, but no, i am no longer depressed. in fact, i'm in a lovely mood. i had a corsage in my hair for hours today, i'm back in my sweatshirt mode, sarah's got a bag of skittles, i made the best apology *ever*, and james buzzed his hair.
oh, and i get to wear a corset, and i keep my cell phone in it during my scene because you can't just leave a cell phone lying around the playhouse!! anyone would agree with me on that. if you ever do find it again, all the numbers will have been erased, the security code will have been changed, your message will now say something seductive about an exceptional hobo, the display will read "have my baby" and many calls will have been made to china. so i have to keep it with me. on vibrate, of course. and when it goes off, it feels damn cool. tee hee
we found an old camera and we're going to develop it and see what show it's from. ::prays for it to be forever plaid, mcd, all night strut, h2$, or sofm:: if you know the common thread of those shows, or if you know me at all, you know why i bothered to pick that camera up in the first place. that and it has a damn hot picture of james with a bunch of sexy corsages that he pretended to put together with a glue gun (but really he was just burning his fingers. yeah we know all about your masochistic tendencies... heh).
so this girl in my chorus class today comes in and says "i know who likes you!" not realizing she's talking to me (for many reasons, one being that i wasn't sure she knew my name, two being she's a freshman, and three being that i haven't heard anyone use that phrase since middle school and i thought we were past it), i look behind you. she says, "no, joy, you! but i can't tell you. i promised!" so now i'm wondering who, not because i really care, but simply because i'm dying to know if we have a mutual friend, or if this is simply some guy who's decided randomly to "like" me. i'm amused... that was not a conversation i expected to have today, or ever again. tee hee. you know, when i was eight, i used to look up at high schoolers and think how they're so mature. and now i'm here and... they're not. but then, that goes along with looking down and thinking how little the little people are... but i don't remember being little. i actually talked to moreno about this. as a person, he's really not bad. surprises, surprises.
1/25/02 1:50AM
so i just told two people some things about myself that no one knows. things that i think about myself, things i'm not proud of. and these two people i wouldn't even have thought of as friends i'm particularly close to. but they listened to me when i needed to talk, and i trust them. i'm greatly surprised because i normally refuse to trust people, and i just implicitly trusted them. yup. i feel much better when things are talked through and off of my chest. and it's great when someone realizes all i really want is for them to listen, offer an opinion, and then let me rehash it until i'm okay with my solution. i don't think either of them read this page, but if they do and recognize themselves... thanks guys!
1/25/02 1:20AM
isn't it wonderful how just the promise of one good conversation can make life seem worth a shot again?
but seriously folks, i feel much better in a couple of ways. i talked to some people to whom i've wanted to talk for simply *ages* now... gosh i hate keeping secrets. it's not that i can't (this particular one, no, but usually i'm quite good with them), but i just want to tell people i'm close to everything that i know, and especially everything that's going on with me. but i think that all the damage that i did has been repaired and even made some of my friendships much stronger. i'm lucky in that regard... i could have been attacked for keeping secrets or for bad decisions... it has happened before.
but on the other hand, the hand with the ways that i do not feel better, my life is trying to force me to move on while at the same time trying to keep me where i am. different people vying for my attentions at this point is just as upsetting as the numerous people with whom i was once friends who are no longer vying for my attentions. i feel like i need to find some new friends, move on, there's got to be something else for me to do. and at the same time, i don't want to let go of anything that i have. and decisions are pressing and i can't have both. the old and the new don't mix, not at all. [oh, it's 11:11!! ::makes wish:: no! i won't tell you what i wished for!] in ways i'm not able to explain here, i feel almost deceitful. and i am being deceitful, and hypocritical as was pointed out to me last night. but i don't know what else to do. there's just some secrets that can't be revealed to a mass audience, no matter if they're no longer in existance, or you're pretty sure the audience would find it okay, or what. and because of said unrevealable secret, you act differently than you normally would have in many many situations and cannot explain your actions and cannot do what you would like to do. or rather, what you should do. you're doing what you'd like to, but it's just making your life harder. and you know that, but you think you might be making the right choice because right choices aren't always easy, but this one's so hard, but it's what you want, so you have to make sacrifices, and you can't explain your motives to other people.
i am making no sense to the great majority of the three and one half people who read my page, to whom i apologize profusely. please hang in there. leave me a nasty message in my guestbook if it makes you feel better. i'll make a normal post without a cryptic reference sometime soon.
1/23/02 8:04AM
SNOW DAY!!! the superintendent must be smoking something, this is our second in a week!
so why, you ask, am i up so early? well, the sad truth is that i didn't know school was cancelled until 7 30. because naturally oak ridge didn't cancel until 11 41 last night, in the hopes that our exceptional school could stay open today, and i didn't know until i'd gotten up, taken a shower, gotten dressed, made my bed (!), and started breakfast. and now i can't go back to sleep. so i think i'll go throw snowballs at tara's window. because that would be funny.
but first... i am so disappointed. i bought a thing of andes mints... wait!what is the correct name for a contaner of andes mints? it's not a box, or bag, or pack... wait, maybe it's a pack. okay, so i boutght a pack of andes mints the other day. my favorite candy. and i lost them in my room for about a week. and found them last night. between losing them and finding them, i swore to myself that this time i really *will* lose fifteen pounds. so naturally, when i located the chocolate in my room, i flipped the box over for my first-ever reading of the nutritional facts. i was unpleasantly surprised with the caloric and fat contents. those things may be small, but they're fucking deadly. i thought the general public should know. it's not fair that they sell such alluring candy for such a low price *right next to the walmart checkout*. it's got to be a scam. i think the american government is secretly trying to fatten us all up so we'll die of cardiac arrest at the age of thirty nine and they won't have to worry about fixing social security or medicaid. damn lazy bastards.
i think too much when i don't have school. and when i was up too late studying for an english test that i now don't have. i'll stop daydreaming and go make snow angels now.
1/21/03 11:09PM
i have four things to say:
1. i finished all the music for little women with nonexistant resistance from reggie. i guess he's just so glad to hear that he won't have to worry about me getting into any more trouble that he's just a veritable waterfall of approval-for-joy. whatever the cause, i'm quite pleased because i was very stressing and now the cds for the show are burned and labeled and i am done!
2. that lockdown just goes to show how mr green can make a correct decision sometime, and how you're never really safe and how rumors fly fast and how you can't ever know someone as well as you think you do. i have a picture of myself with john. i'm hugging him and smiling. i was his partner in our christmas show. he kissed me and i flirted with him and when we were backstage he told me about his life and how it was depressing, but he didn't seem upset, just accepting. i felt sad for him. i saw him at the movies on saturday. he was handing out popcorn, i was buying popcorn. he waved and i smiled. he's not the sort of person you would even suspect knows how to use a gun, and all of the sudden there he is, being questioned by mr green and saying things like "no sir, i never pointed the gun at the school." life is so unsettling. i thought that could never happen here, or to anyone i know. but i'm not exempt simply because i can't imagine it. scary. you really can learn important things in school.
3. a life lesson people: if you can say it behind my back, you can say it to me. say it to my fucking face and no matter how awful it is, i'll still have some respect for you. as it is, i've nothing but contempt and disgust. i will restate the point of this because it's important: *Say It To ME*. those to whom i speak will recognize their gutless selves and maybe will grow up enough to save a relationship with someone else. i know they don't care enough to save their relationships with me.
and 4. thank the good lord for surrogate big sisters, especially of the No Longer Estranged variety. what *would* i do without them??
1/20/03 2:29PM
i take that back about knowing my friends well. in actuality, they never cease to surprise, disappoint, and destroy me. tara says i'm vengeful and when i actually thought about what i was saying, i realized that i do sound like it. and i rather felt bad for sounding so awful. and then i thought about it and i tried to figure out why i'm such a cruel person, and i realized why that is. see, i *say* that i never forgive anyone once they've hurt me, but that's not true. i forgive the ones that i shouldn't, the ones who don't apologize, the ones who i didn't expect to hurt me. because they are usually the people i count as my good friends and i don't want to lose them. so i overlook a little thing like the fact that i cried myself to sleep every night for a week, or that they made me hate myself, or whatever it was that thay did, and i take them back and count myself lucky to have such great people in my life. and so then they have the chance to hurt me again, and again. and they do. and i always forgive them. and this time, i realized that i *cannot* do that. so my defense is to force myself to remember how much they've hurt me. and that involves saying vengeful things to remind myself all the time that this time, it's unforgivable and that i *dont* want them back. it's basically burning my bridges so that i can't retreat back to a comfort zone that's no longer safe to me. so yes, i am vengeful. but i will never act on any of it. i'm not violent and i'm not hateful. i'm just trying to protect myself from all the people who knife my back while smiling brightly at me. i trust too much and people abuse that and the result is i can' trust anyone at all anymore.
but i will. i always will. and whoever it is i choose to trust now will hurt me the exact same as these people who i thought i could trust with anything, and everything, and i did. how optimistic. that's not much to look forward too, but what else can i predict when i realize that every person i ever trusted for any length of time has hurt me in some way or another. some hurt me badly, others hurt me so much worse. to anyone who reads this, i apologize for whining. but there's nothing else to do when you have no one to turn to. and if i did, they'd just throw it back into my face in a week or so when they turn on me too. so where does that leave me? it leaves me talking to my text box on a uncluttered white page, wishing my thoughts were as uncluttered, trying to figure out what to do now and hoping to god that there's someone who still cares.
rock. i've never been a online quiz result before! how exciting!! thanks jessi for the large amount of entertainment that provided me... i had to take it once per person, to ensure that i could identify everyone's answers and get everyone. and i could. i know my friends now better than i've ever known any other group of friends... or maybe we just do more stupid and embarrassing things than any other group of people, ever. who knows.
anyone seen adam lately?
1/14/03 9:49PM
what's that about underage p0rn?
1/12/03 10:53PM
MY TRUCK IS HERE!!! my shiny black truck that i adore to bits and pieces already!
::does a happy dance::
w00t! okay. thankyouverymuch, that is all.
1/10/03 4:19PM
so i'm trying to see my parents' side of this disagreement. i really, truly am. but it's very difficult to want to comply with someone who's telling you that your one mistake is going to resonate for a long time and you're going to suffer consequences for several years. that's crap. i made a mistake, i'm sorry. but the more i'm punished, the less i'll learn from it because my response to excessive punishment is to close my ears and find some other way to be defiant. you'd think that fifteen years with my parents would have taught them that the best way to disipline me is to make *me* feel disappointed in myself. it's surprisingly easy to do, and very, extremely effective. but no, they want to take my life away. that's cool too, but it teaches me nothing. maybe when i'm a parent i'll understand, but i really doubt it.
a continuation of yesterday's "other news"... at our exceptional school, we now hold iss in the exceptionally large b-gym because our exceptional students have been racking up exceptional amounts of hours in in school suspension. i guess exceptional students should wear shirts that don't move when you put your hands over your head and jump up and down. good thing we have an exceptional staff to point us towards the right type of clothing to meet our exceptional needs!
for those who know of what i speak: 881.
1/9/03 9:53PM
let me clarify this last post for some people: no i am not okay. no i will not be okay for quite some time. no i will not tell you what is wrong. and no, i don't need to talk about it. there are about three special people, the ones to whom i've talked and they know who they are, to whom this does not apply. everyone else, i appreciate the concern (amazing how people are only concerned for me when it's beyond help. you guys, your timing sucks) but no thanks. the only thing you can do for me is be a good friend and listen, *if i want to talk.*
in other news, the lobby is hidious. what on earth possessed them to put in wood? or to etch a wildcat paw into glass, run water over it, and call it a fountain? and don't even get me started on the wooden table with rocks just sitting on it! i give it another week before someone starts to graffitti the wood or the fountain is broken in some way. note to anyone who cares: the rocks are not fastened down. that was bright... did anyone else like how mr green did not mention academics in his entire speech? i'm sorry, but the colleges i apply to are not going to care whether our girls cross country team won district (they didn't, by the way, mr green) or if there's trash in the hallways. who's for a senior shirt that says "oak ridge. our reality matches our statistics"?
1/5/03 8:33PM
so, what do you do when your world falls down in pieces around you?
::looks at the rubble::
::sits down and puts head in hands::
::cries::
1/4/03 9:36PM
i'm procrastinating horribly, as always. i think i created this page simply to give myself another way to procrastinate. it's certainly not because i have anything to add to the internet. i don't say anything interesting. this is just my way of avoiding reading the source, and maybe helping a couple other people also avoid said combined studies homework assignment. i wish i had something lovely and eloquent to say, but i don't. i'm not that sort of person - i don't say pretty things. i process numbers, i remember stuff, i have a huge vocabulary. but i don't create new and interesting things by myself. and since that's normally something i try to not tell people, becuase i'm ashamed of my total lack of creativity, i'm not really sure why i'm posting it on a webpage. somehow typing to a text box feels so anonymous and safe. i don't know why that is. it's a phenomenon.
something i don't understand: why can i feel all alone in the middle of a big crowd of my "friends", but then if i'm all alone in the middle of my bedroom with only a cell phone and a barely-distinguishable voice on the other end of a crackly connection, it's comfortable company. i don't guess i'm much of a people person.
1/3/03 11:00PM
go see Chicago IMMEDIATELY. right now. this moment. in fact, you could go see it twice.
i had the most unbelievably lovely day. for one, it was the first day in a week (i got my tonsils out...) that i actually was able to take a shower AND get dressed AND dry my hair and then leave the house. added to which point, i saw chicago with johnny and katie. and i saw the most perfect people there. i won't go into detail - those who should understand what i'm talking about will know - but since i'm so evil and vindictive, seeing certain people-who-shall-not-be-named while i was accompanied by certain other people made me so dearly happy. maybe someday i'll grow up and get over the past, but as long as certain other people won't, i don't believe i will. like i said, the three or four people who should know what i'm talking about will get my meaning here. so that made me happy.
i collected icee cups in four colors: pink, purple, blue, and lime green. and then there was one where they gave me a purple top on a blue bottom - what's up with that?!? honestly... see, this would be a pathetic hobby, but take into consideration that i have been attached to my couch and tv remote for the past week and it puts plastic-walmart-icee-cup-collecting into the correct perspective.
and as an afterthought, i'm getting a truck. i'm getting a fucking truck. see above picture. rock.
