Following the complete failure of the 10 step coward guide I have decided to re-attempt this difficult concept with a new topic in mind. And what better topic than life itself? Manys a philosohper have wondered, studied and written librarys of books showing you what they think is the most morally correct way to live your life. And make no mistake this is in no way like any of that bosch. No, instead I will simply outline some of the processes of life while giving general pointers on basic and simple things, for example, growing. I hope you enjoy it and survive to complete the guide.
Contents
1. Being Born
When being born one must keep in mind that you will have to actually do the breathing out here. So you should probably scream and wail a lot. This serves to get as much air as possible but primarily it is to annoy. As for food, don't worry, you will be introduced to a nice big breast full of milk very soon. One downside of this is of course that it is your own mothers. Unless you have a wetnurse in which case you live in the 18th century, will be married by 14 and die by the age of 45. Otherwise you're fine and will live a further 30 glorious years and maybe you won't get married at all and die alone.
2. Trying not to die
One should always try to remember that being born is a dangerous business. You might do it too early, too late or perhaps be aborted before you even develop your flippers. To combat this you might want to stay alive. I find this works in 100% of cases as those who don't stay alive usually die. Side note: You see that cord you been attached to for the past several months? Watch out! It might betray you and attempt to choke you with its bare...body tissue...type...stuff. Also you should apply this rule not only in birth but throughout life.
3. Crying
You'll soon find that crying is an incredibly useful technique for getting what one wants. In particular food, toys, a nappy that isn't soaked in your own urine and faecal matter and a large assortment of other such luxuries. However beware if you have been born into a family where the other children seem to cower in the corners at the sight of their parents. In this case it is wise to refrain from crying for the time being. Crying Fact: Over 140 million litres of water are lost daily due to crying babies.
4. Growing up
Growing is quite often a incredibly simple affair. Basically you wait. And eat of course. And don't forget to urinate and defaecate regularly. Also you should probably do something to keep you entertained while you're waiting. I recommend a brightly coloured ball or a dead rat. You can find these two items along with many others in the following places:
5. Stating the unfairness of life
Survive that last ordeal did you? Good. I’m glad to see that your friend the deceased rodent kept you occupied. For those that didn’t survive growing up you have already discovered an unfair reality of life and are, to a certain extent, further on in life than those that are alive. Now that you all know of unfair realities try to complain about them as much as you can along with other annoyances such as:
6. Accepting the unfairness of life
Alright this is one mother of a task and will most likely never be completed unless you are extremely cynical. However there are alternatives to this step such as constantly complaining about the unfairness of life or take the religious road and completely deny that life isn’t fair by becoming a priest and always trusting in humans’ fundamental goodness. Priest fact: In the past century over 500,000 priests, monks and bishops were hung. You could always become a Buddhist and be all “peace and love” which to me has more appeal than being a kiddie-fiddl--I mean--clergyman.
7. Getting some money
Now that you’ve grown up you’ll realise that to progress you’re going to need more distractions to keep your mind off these harsh realities. Distractions such as alcohol, sex and music. Most of these are attainable through the use of a thing called money. And money is itself a hefty distraction. The flipside of this coin however is that in order to obtain this money you will probably have to work. Two ideal career options have been listed below.
8. Watching TV
Although technically this falls under the distractions I already covered it is far too great a force to exclude from this guide. Remember: watching TV is compulsory. If you refrain from this activity you will be ostracised from society and be forced to live as a hermit in a cave.
9. Growing old
Growing old closely resembles growing up (covered earlier in the guide) in that a lot of waiting is involved and also, just like a baby, you will have less control over bladder and bowel. Growing old hobbles hand in hand with growing miserable. Look at any old people and you will see I speak the truth. See any happy old people? Then they’re either not really happy or not really old or their deterioration into depression has done a full cycle and has arrived back at happiness again in which case they will die soon but hey that’s life…or death rather.
10. Dying and trying not to live
When dying there are a number of things one must take into consideration. These include loved ones, wills, etc. But one overall importance is what your last words will be. Choosing your last words is entirely up to you but here are some common examples for inspiration:
CONGRATUALTIONS!
You have successfully completed the 10 step guide to life and I’m sure you enjoyed doing it and are currently resting contentedly in your grave. To those who failed and gave their lives trying to complete the programme, you will have to try again. What’s that? Not a Hindu eh? Well then no reincarnation for you. Go to heaven and whatnot and explain to God what happened, I’m sure he’ll understand. What? Broke the commandments numerous times and rarely went to confession or mass you say? Too bad. You know when they said “Life’s not fair.” It seems after-life isn’t either. Have fun!