i think i reached my breaking point today. do you realize that if it wasn't for school, i wouldn't leave the house? that wouldn't be such a bad thing if it weren't this house. or maybe it's the people i share it with. i love them and i can't stand any of them anymore. they're all so bitchy, so stressed and nervous and tempered. even the dogs are edgy.
or maybe it's the house.
either way, i can't stand this much longer. i've lived under an umbrella of rules all my life, of the can's and can't's, and then, after you obey those rules, you're left with your own should have's. but i can't wait until i can leave. i've never been allowed to take public transportation, i've never been allowed to go to parties or have boyfriends (although that one wouldn't have been much help if it was reversed anyway). i've never been able to walk around the block by myself, in the neighborhood i've lived in for 14 years. i've never played in the snow because my mother was afraid of pneumonia.
i guess you could say i've grown up in constant fear, because my parents are constantly afraid. especially my mother. friends say i've turned out extraordinarily well, considering it all. but their unnatural fears have been passed onto me; despite how much i fight it, there is still that lingering nervousness, that jagged edge of fear. i regret obeying them now, because i missed out on my own childhood. yeah, their protection made me mature, but i never got to know immaturity to begin with. and maturity sucks.
and it seems that they still failed. their exaggerations haven't led me to ridiculous crusades of rebellion involving sex, drugs, and alcohol (alhough those are other fears of theirs). but it has led me to an overwhelming need to get a driver's license and stay away from "home" as long as i can. it has led me to a goal of getting arrested at least once, and another of going on at least one adventure (living is another fear of theirs, especially my mother's). and it has inspired me to go out drinking with my cousin jen (which would be extremely scary for any parent) as soon as i get that car of mine.
their protection has kept me alive until the age of 14, but it's not going to hold much longer.
maybe i lied to you at the very beginning of this entire thing, on the first page when i said that my reality was no longer based on escape. because, if i could find a way, i'd get away from here.
and why does it seem that home always involves a lot of screaming and damaged nerve endings?