Fanfare for the Common Dickhead
Sad but true stories of the best laid plans turning to shit

z Karl Karma's ever elusive drum endorsement

Karl Karma's ever elusive drum endorsement Karl Karma, teaching and playing around town for years finally hits the jackpot with a prestigious cover-band playing good stuff well, attracting the town's glitterati and a die- hard crowd of excited punters.
With his testosterone riding at higher than ever levels; Karma thinks it's the right time to shop for that endorsement deal that will put him on easy street. Ringing the distributor of his favorite brand, the first question he gets asked is "How long have you been playing my gear and why?" Karma quickly responds by saying he's had a set of ROCK-GOD DRUMS since 1981, when it seemed all his favored drummers were smoking that brand. "Come and see me, maybe we can do something." says the TEFLON DON of ROCK-GOD DRUMS. Karl Karma's loins are throbbing with excitement as he hangs up the phone. The big day comes as Karl Karma walks non-chalantly into Teflon's office. "OK, Karl, here's the deal, we set you up with a larger than life set of DOUBLE-KICK DRUM OF OBLIVION MEGA-SET for which you only pay a third and we set up a series of clinics and gigs which will help you pay off the debt, everybody wins , heh heh heh." Teflon Don leans back in his chair and takes a long puff of his havana-banana cigar. "This sounds OK, Tef" "The only thing is I'm paying a deposit on a new house and my wife has just bought a new dinky jazz be-bop volkswagon, I really need to work, so the promise of clinics and gigs is important" "Don't worry about anything, we take care of everything, relax, relax ..... heh heh heh" Six months later the Karl Karma's about to be disconnected phone rings in his about to be repossesed new house with no wife ........ "Where's my fuckin' money, Karma!!" "Where's my fuckin' gigs, Tef?" "Well, I need money now and I let you know about a clinic you'll have to do for no charge in about four months, how's that Karma .... fair? "Get fucked! I want out!" Karl Karma says quietly in a well-mannered voice, with not a hint of steam coming from his ears. After much friendly banter with words such as "prick", "rogue", "arsehole" and "canniving mongrel" thrown in, a deal is done which sort of resolves the issue except Karma is now left with bits of kit to the value of what he's had to shell out; nearly three and half grand! Whilst doing a clinic with another much friendlier crew of drum impresarios, Karl Karma is offered a way out, "We'll take your bits and pieces and trade them off against the kit we'll give you to do clinics and gigs with." Much relieved, Karl Karma makes his bed with HULA-HOOPS DRUM CO. ........ Twelve months go by ....... the disconnected phone doesn't ring? "I wonder what's happening?" Karl says to his now returned wife ......... "Maybe you should ring them and find out" Mrs Karma suggests. "Ok, here goes," Karma picks up the disconnected phone and dials .......... "Hey KARL, how you doin baby, its been a long time! I meant to ring you a few months ago, we were able to sell the bits and pieces of your kit for FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS! "Isn't that great ..... now you only owe us THREE GRAND! Karl Karma was last seen driving a be-bop volkswagon into the shop window of HULA- HOOPS DRUM CO. ........ Karl Karma's wife lived happily ever after.

z "La Casa del Pazzi" wedding band plays "Volare" in Nowheresville

Fairly well-known established cover-band takes over in centrally-located, popular and cushy venue in the inner-city when "THE KINGS OF COVER ROCK" break up and steal away into the night. Their first night crowd listens intently as comparisons are made to the previous house band; "Awwww their Jessie's Girl are shit compared to KoC Rock's"(nickname for Kings of Cover Rock) "They play Faith No More OK But" says one 15 year-old anorexic schoolgirl who goes to venue regularly, suitably attired in dress-a-la-mole and fake ID. Slowly but surely, "La Casa del Pazzi" slowly start to win over KoC Rock's "PLANET OF THE 'BURBS" crowd; The crowd more interested in getting stonkered whilst shoving tongues down respective throats. At $2200 a gig, The boys from "La Casa del Pazzi" decide to put up with it for the time being. One fateful day, RANTZ MUHUMMED, agent and sleazy raconteur, gives the boys an offer they can't refuse....... "Hey Gino! Com est sta! You wanna maka mora maniala? You cumma hera in "NOWHERESVILLE" justa next to de sewerage farm, and play de VOLARE wit de tarentella de piccolo and I giva you TOO-TOUSANDA SEVEN-HUNDRED DOLLARE!!!!! "EEEhhhhh Gino, yoo refusa-me anda yooo play de bassa drum wit de concrete shoos!!!" "SI, GODFADA!!!" Gino whispers as he kisses Rantz's ring. "Aaaahhhh data my boyz, nowa you coma mangare mama's canoli, si? bene!" So the boys wistfully pack their gear into their Yellow Valiants and drive off to Nowheresville ...... "Aaaahh well, at least we're getting five hundred more, it can't be that bad, can it?" To answer that question, one needs to see the behaviour of the West Indian cricket crowds; then realistic comparisons can be made; Halfway through "Jessie's Girl", play was stopped when an all-in brawl developed; the size of which hadn't been seen since the week before; The boys of La Casa del Pazzi were heard muttering "What the hell have we just done?" "Fungoolou Bastardo, watta gig!!!! Meanwhile, back in comfy Inner-City gig, The publican buys the name "KINGS of COVER ROCK" renames it 2001 A KOC ROCK ODYSSEY and re-employs various muso's to fill out the band. The Punters from THE PLANET OF THE 'BURBS are happy to have what resembles their old favorite cover band back ......... everybody lived happily ever after ....... ......... as long as your good at dodging flying bottles in Nowheresville whilst singing ......... "VOLARE, OH OH OH OOOOHH, CANTARE, OH OH OH OOOOOH" The End