Why did I have to realize that? I think I messed something up by realizing that. I think I'm just having really violent mood swings. I'm baka! Well, how this will change things I don't know. For now, I'll be happy with what I have. My mood swings are really violent! I am being batted back and forth like a ball right now. I should stop worry about it so much and go on with what I have to do and I should be ok. I can't be close to Val right now because I hardly know her. By tommorrow I will probably have the picture in view better, this mood will pass.
8:45 P.M. 23rd
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I understand it now. I don't think I should forget, so I must put it here. But I'm starting to realize what it is I want right now. What it is I've always wanted, and that's to be the closest person to her. I guess that's my dream. That's my equation for happiness. That is all I've ever wanted. It's simple, yet it makes things so complex. I think I could be happy forever if that was what I had, even if it was only friendship. I just want to be close to her because to me, she's so amazing and uplifting and a lot of other things. I understand it, but what to do about it I'm not sure, I'll have to decide on that at some other time, when it actually becomes an issue. But it answers a lot of the questions I have regarding the way I feel about her, the way I've felt about her and things of the like.
After a small amount of thought I had a mood change. I burst into tears and tried to find answers until I came onto one. Take things as they come, work for the things you want. I shouldn't bend myself into pieces so much over these things, I will make things as well as I can. If something happens it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. Val is here right now, and should I need her at least I know she is here instead of giving my a cold shoulder. At least I know if I need an answer, if I have a question, if something comes up she's there. It may not be immediately, but she's there. I worry about some things, I don't know quite what to do about them. But for now this is how I feel like I should be. Calm, and mellow. Should I feel dramatic I will step away from her and mellow and sort myself out. It's what I should do. And when I'm calm if I need to ask her something or know something I will ask. She's here, and that means a lot to me right now. More than likely my mood will change again, but I post this here so I can at least know I felt this way. Maybe I should start believing she cares and trusting more in her. I think I'm being a little foolish at times. I can handle myself for the most part.
Titan settled the void at 8:21 PM on the 23rd.
Second entry into the void. This void is rather disorganized and strange. It has no appeal to anyone who happens to stumble upon it, as it's a plain and detailless page. The reason why is because as of now people are not suppose to be able to get in and see it. This is where I can hide and confine within myself for comfort, comfort I don't get to often. It's suppose to be a new day, a new feeling, it was suppose to be better than this, but it's not. I want to know why, but I'm afraid of the answers that lie in my heart and my head. Lies entertwine with truths, and it is not easy to pull out and divide every thread, for the edges are sharp and thin, willing to cut. I never tried convincing myself of a lie, but how quickly uncertainties become your truths is strange, especially when you don't even know it. Right now I feel an urge to pour my heart out, but to who I do not know. I must think of this on two levels, my level of hope, and the level of reality. I would hope that I could be heard and understood, sympathized for and taken care of, that my pain could be taken away. In reality, I have no one who can do that, and the one back in my life who use to do that for me is not the same person, and not as close. She's a blur to me, she's a thread of lies and truths in my eyes, in my heart. Lies and truths I placed inside my own eyes about her, she hasn't lied to me, so these are my lies to sort out, my truths. I need to know how I really feel about her, and what it might mean. What I have to do.
There's not a day that goes by that I'm not aware of my selflessness, my sacrifice. I would give my last piece of bread to a starving child, and so I would give my deep dreams for two who already are making one. I refuse to let myself interfere, I refuse to create a cycle of torment and sorrow, I refuse to make a mess again, even if it could be a chance for happiness. As of yet, I don't know. I am merely preparing myself for a life of lonliness dedicated to reaching those goals that require mainly my effort and not someone elses love. I should not be alone, nor should I think I will be alone forever, it's not true. Maybe one day I will believe that, maybe one day it'll be true and I'll be happy again and not alone, with someone. I consider it and I know it's possible, I think it could happen.
But I'm faced with something I'm well aware of. Who I am, my beliefs, and my heart and dreams. My uniqueness. I know I am very far from that of the normal person. I know how selfless I am and how different from everyone else I am. I live in that, it belongs to me, and I believe in it. It's something that makes me proud of who I am and makes me glad to be who I am, I could never get rid of it. But I suffer all the time for it. I suffer from being alone, from being detatched. I try to meet new people, I try to find new friends, but as I try I find that the person I try to be friends with is not someone I can connect with. The hardest thing for me to face is that people connect so well with me, that people enjoy my company and friendship, but I can't connect with them. It's not because I don't want to, but rather it's because I lose them when I do try to connect. Understanding me is not easy, I'm aware of that. It makes me sad, and I must be understood in order to love. If I'm not then love is not easy for me. I feel care and affection, but love is something that doesn't come easy to me. It's complex and complicated, but that's who I am.
I'm not even sure if I want to smile or be happy at this point, it makes being willing to be alone and to not be able to have love a little easier for me to accept. I have to strong of a will to become desperate, and to much understanding to boot. That's another thorn in my side, to be so understanding, to understand so much more than everyone else. It can be frustrating. I'm intelligent too, very accute and aware despite my appearance or attitude. These things that compose me make me great, but at the same time I suffer because of them. The thought of ridding myself of these things has come to mind, but I quickly discard the idea. I would lose a lot more removing that which makes me proud of myself than the pain it causes me. I have to wonder if things should really matter to me as much as they do. My life is in shambles still.
I sit here with a fistful of sorrow and wonder, worry and confusion. I feel choked and strangled. I want to breath but I'm suffocating myself with myself. I want to scream out something, anything, anything to rid myself of this fear. I'm afraid to pull the threads apart to fast, because they may tangle more. I'm afraid to dig too deep, to go to far, for fear of losing everything. Now that she's here, I want to leave! Why? Because I'm afraid of a lot of things. My biggest fear is that she may fall in love with me. Will that ever happen? In truth, I doubt it, I really do. I just don't see it happening, it's not a threat to me, but it's something I want to avoid as much as I can. I don't want any cycle to begin again. Another fear I have is do I love her? Do I? I don't know, after last night my emotions for her seemed to dissapear. Do I love her? Do I feel anything for her, do I really want to pursue being her friend? These are not easy questions, and perhaps the answers are what scare me the most.
Another fear, how does she feel about me now? I know she said I was just an aquaintance to her, and I can see that attitude. She is only here as far as I know as someone to help me and to help herself. I see two views, one of subconcious which would be that something deeper inside of her misses me. I place that at the bottom. The other one is that she's doing this to protect Rob from me and stop me from creating a confrontation with him and discomfort, protecting him from me for what she's done to me. I place that in middle and I fear that because it would mean she's being false with me. Another thing is that she is just doing like she says, which I place at the top.
I really don't know the truth, and in all truth I don't plan on messing anything up trying to find it out.
You know, I did think Val being here would help, but whether it's helping or not I can't tell yet. I know I'm dealing with quiet a few mood swings, so I understand I may feel differently tommorrow. Nothing is quiet stable, and I'll have to see what will develop in the mean time, what the uncertain future will unravel and the truth I'll find behind it.
A thing that deals the strongest blow to me is her moving on. I guess I can explain it here, since here I don't have a lot to fear. As I look at her life, I do feel proud, I feel glad for her and that she's happy. I'm glad after her years of pain and sorrow she can smile and be glad, I never lied when I said I wanted her to be happy. If me not being in her life is what makes her happy, all I ask is that she prove that to me, and right now she can prove that to me. But the hardest thing for me is seeing it. It makes me wonder if I'll have any impact on her life anymore. It makes me sad to see her so happy. Why? That answer isn't completely clear to me, but Val told me once something that makes me believe she could understand. I don't know if she could, maybe she could comfort me if she does? I really don't know, and I'm afraid to risk telling her and having some kind of conflict happen, I feel bad for feeling this way. I don't expect anything from her right now, I don't expect her to do anything for me, nothing special or out of the ordinary. I don't know entirely what I expect to happen, I expect a lot of things to happen, but only one of those things will happen. I think it hurts to see Val so happy because I know she's changed, and with my nostalgic personality it's no wonder I feel sad. I also feel sad because I know I won't be the most important. All those things I can live with and deal with, I can handle those things, I know it's only temporary and not necessarily true.
One thing I'm afraid of is Rob, now that Val's talking with me and her and Rob are engaged, I'm afraid I'll make Rob mad or cause a rift in the relationship. I know Rob will have a hard time not seeing me as a threat, and I really hope it doesn't turn out that way. I will try to prevent that from happening. I would feel so bad if I hurt anything, I really don't want to, so I'm afraid to be talking to Val, afraid of the consequences. But I feel like this is something I need to do, to talk to her and see what will or won't happen, what will or won't be. These mood swings make this hard on me, so I really don't know how I'll feel tommorrow, but I don't plan on posting more on the blog than what I have until she responds. I just wish I knew what will come from all this. I wish I knew a lot more about myself and her and everything for that matter, so that I could deal with this. A part of me wants to take all this and smash it and not worry about it, to just walk out and suffer and hurt but not have to worry about it. Another part of me wants to stay here and see what might happen, to know the truth, to be happy. To not risk having to come back when things will be worse. I want to talk to Val about all this, but I can't because this is a mood, because I don't know how long this will hold true, and because I don't know what is exactly true. I plan on going to my room and thinking deeply and untying these threads, it's the least I can do for her, it's the least I can do for myself. To know and know what's lies and truths. I vow that for you, Val, there's nothing I wouldn't give for you, for everything you've given to me. I don't think you'll ever know what you've given to me, and how much I care about you despite how hard I try to deny it. I just need to know what is hurting inside me, how to fix it, what to do about my future, what to do about you, what to do about how I feel about you, after finding out how I feel about you, and how to deal with all these issues. Anyways, I should go do what I said I would do, to try untying these threads. It's what I need to do for her so I can make things as easy for her as possible and to make her as happy as possible.
Fell into the void, 8:02 PM of the 23rd ( I'm a puppet with no strings, an angel with no wings, a devil with no horns, a rose with no thorns )
This is ... my first entry into the Void. Funny thing is there's no layout on this page, but I need to post anyways. The reason I need to post is because I feel depressed and alone. I've created the void to release my deepest thoughts, my deepest emotions, those things I am just not comfortable posting on the News Blog. I will place things in the void and hope no one who I would rather not see them ends up seeing them, though that's a risk I'm willing to take. I've hidden the void and I hoped to put a password lock on it, but right now I don't know how. I wish I did, I'd put up a protection on the void if I could that would allow only those who know the answer to get in. Maybe I'll get one soon so I can be more comfortable with the void, but for now I'll let it suffice for where I can put my emotions. I miss Val, I really do, but I'm so uncertain of her. I want to know who she is both from Rob, where I can get truth she might hide, and from her herself where I can get truth about her that I couldn't get anywhere else. I want that truth so I know if I want a friendship... and if a friendship is possible. I remember the past so well... before it she removed me from her. I have emails I never got rid of and never looked at till recently. When I change computers I'll elaborate bit more, but I have to swap or I might cry when I don't want to. I'll return. On second thought, I think I'll wait to talk to Rob about this.
Loren fell into the void at 8:22 P.M. on the 26th.
