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* .... Ashes*



4:47 PM
5/20/03
Nothing at all
i'm to sad to do anything right now. This heavy depression just hangs over me. It's dumb, and I feel so alone. Probably because I am so alone. I'm hating everything right now. I don't want to speak, it's pointless. Right now I'm just waiting for something to come along and I can relieve some of this loneliness, some of this sorrow and grief. I can't be cold, I'm starting to crack. I need to cry, but I can't, I have nothing to hold me and protect me against what comes after. I have nothing to fall back on, no one, no one to look forward to, nothing, nothing to look forward to. All I have is confusion and doubt. Torn between wanting and knowing. Just torn. I can't explain it, there'd be no point right now. All I'm doing is hanging on, trying to hope that something will get better and I will be cured of this hurt. I try so hard to fix it, but I can't do everything alone, I don't want to do everything alone. All I need is one shoulder I can try on that I can fully trust. I don't have one though. I can only get rid of so much before I start holding back. I feel so betrayed, so lost and confused. I think I'll wait some more, until something comes along, even if it's small.


Time is: Sadening, 2:40 PM
Date is: Aparthy, 5/20/03
Hearing is: Sorrow, Nothing
It seems like the cycle is going again. I'm hurting inside, I feel so sad and depressed. I'm barely talking, I feel so lifeless and depressed. I won't make eye contact like I did before. I'm to afraid to feel compassion. I hate all this, this pain, this feeling. My loss, my sorrows, my griefs. . . Everything feels so helpless and pointless and wrong. I feel so wrong and useless. I don't really want to talk to anyone or get to know anyone right now. I'm hurting again and I hate it.

I can't concentrate in school, and with my finals near that's nothing good. I feel so frustrated and apathetic. I'd rather waste away then have to deal with anything. I just want to cry, but I have no one to cry too, nothing to fall back on. I almost forgot, I was beggining something, perhaps I should write it down here, build up on it next time I make an entry.

No ones there to catch me
So I have to hold on
But it's so hard to hold on
when you just want to let go

I'll probably add more later. I'm not sure, I really don't feel like doing much. Perhaps now is a good time to end this entry.


Time is: Time, 11:22 PM
Date is: Lost, 5/19/03
Hearing is: Hearing, Coldplay - Clocks
I feel strange. Like my whole surface is cracking. It hurts so much to try to push the pain back in when it wants to escape. When all my emotions want to escape. I just wish someone could hear me. I fail to touch anything, but try so hard. I'm so lost. I have been so lost for so long. I don't care if I'm dramatic, I don't care if I'm over emotional, meoldramatic. I don't care. It is who I am. It actually makes me happy. I don't care if I have to wait forever, I won't sell myself for less than what I am. I don't care if I'm alone forever, if there is no perfect person for me so be it, I'll die alone. I won't settle . . I won't settle for less than what I value myself at. It's not lnoger my turn to seek, I have to hide. It's no longer time for me to prove myself over and over, if I'm wanted it must be proved. I won't give in, my will will be strong. Fear won't hold me, I don't care.

I'm so torn to shreds. Trying so hard to grasp every bit of beauty for myself, trying not to let myself take it away. I will hold myself until my final hour. I'm so sick and tired, if someone wants me they will come get me, I'm too torn to reach into anyone else. I'm tired of having to prove to others what I have yet for someone to prove to me. It will happen, I just have to tell myself it will happen, and until then I cannot give up. I will make myself to be everything I want to be. No one will take it away. I will hold on until then and do everything to construct myself, until once I prove to myself what I am, that I am a pennicle of beauty I will continue to build until I am no longer building for myself. I just want to be happy again. To be trully happy like I once was so long ago. To find that happiness that seems like it was a lifetime ago. . .


Time is: Draining, 7:27 PM
Date is: Sorrowful, 5/19/03
Hearing is: Shattering, Coldplay - Clocks
I just got back from Karate. Karate is nice, it's very helpful, especially to someone like myself. I really enojy it. I try not to miss class if I can help it. I hit the instructor in the elbow with a roundhouse. It hurt my foot but I shrug off pain like it's nothing. It's still sore, but I can work on it. I want to be good at it, so I usually practice as often as I can. I'm going for blue belt, my favorite color. Heh.

I wasn't made to be so cold, I was made to feel tons of emotions. That's why I wish I wasn't so cold. I will fall if I don't, though, because I have nothing to save me when I disapate the veil of ice. I'm left to wonder . . . wonder what I have. I try to hold all my insides inside me, but it feels like it's bursting out sometimes. I want to go back, and I don't, hate constricts itself around my surface, hate towards everything and everyone. I want to just breathe for once, instead of stay beneath the surface. But I refuse to emerge from my myself, I'm tired . . . tired of it. If I mean a lot, something will pull me out. . . something, you know?

For now, I'll leave the lyrics of the song I'm listening to below for those who want to know, and perhaps attempt a song on my own. This was taken from Sound Lyircs and credit should be given to them for providing the lyrics.

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You've put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead (singing)
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple of my head (and a)
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed (singing)
You are, you are

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna)
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know (singing)
Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities (am I)
A part of the cure, or am I part of the disease (singing)

You are [x6]
And nothing else compares
Oh no nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are [continues in background]
Home, home, where I wanted to go [x4]

Coldplay is amongst my favorite bands. They're awesome musicians. I wish I could play an instrument and sing, I wish I could be the leader singer and drummer in a band of soft rock or rock. Anyways, I need to write down Lyrics of my own and then get to Ragnarok. Don't know when my next post will be, it's rather spontaneous.

My sorrows grow day by day
Seems like there's always some way
Some way I break to grow cold again
Shaking when outside I'm tin

Somehow I'll get away
Tommorrow there'll be some other way
Some other way to tell myself
I won't feel like I was left on a shelf

Tell myself I'm worth something
Tell myself I'm worth something
Tell myself I'm worth something
Tell myself there is nothing


Time is: Painful, 4:15 PM
Date is: Fateful, 5/19/03
Hearing is: Useless, Nothing
It's strange how quickly the work I did could be ruined at the mention of a name, of a subject. It was accidental, but it still hurt. Shattered so much. I'm trying to tear myself apart to forget, trying to shrug it off. Now I'm just stuck with a cold surface lined beneath with hatred, and inside that I can't tell. Constantly I'm broken. And I'm tearing myself apart and I don't know why. I'm trying to forget the whole thing, but I'm just left with a painful emotion if I do and left wondering why it's there. I want to cry, but if I did I'd just shatter my cold surface and sorrow would follow and then confusion; I'd just end up breaking down and then make things worse for myself. I'm becoming so unhopeful towards my future and my life. Not academically, I'm doing good academically, but emotionally and spiritually I feel wrecked and battered, lacking hope. I'm so tired of doing all this, going through all this. I'm so tired of trying to prove myself, so tired of it. I want something to be proved to me for once. I want to know that I do mean a lot to someone, not trying to prove that someone means a lot to me. I have so many doubts, so many. . .

I went back to Colby yesterday for a graduation thing for my brother and friend. It feels so far from home, and if I never go back again I'll be I'll be happy. I went back to my old highschool, and I'm glad I left, this place feels more like home than that place could ever be. But I really don't have a home, a place I can call home. I'm so alone, I want to make it esaier on me, but it's not easy. I can't just cleanse myself and remove everything. To do that, I'd need to get rid of so many things that I can't get rid of. I think I've said enough, now's a good time to end this blog. Perhaps in a month things will be better, perhaps . . .


Time is: No one's friend, 11:42 PM
Date is: Remorse, 4/27/03
Hearing is: Echoing Sadly, Evanescence - Haunted
It's been almost a month since my last post, and it could be another month till my next. I don't have much of a reason to blog. Hmm, what can I say? My day... was short, overslept as I usually do on weekends. It's pretty late, but it might be some time before I go to bed >< Due to the fact that I stayed up really late over the weekend. I also need to write a research paper that is overdue and worth many points in Anatomy, which I'm failing, sadly. Uhm, all is going well, Taekwando or however you spell it, is going rather slowly since the instructor wants me to get the kicks and punches down to my best, which is hard due to me not being able to stretch much, oy. When I get the next belt I will hopefully get my uniform. Also, next month we'll be getting a new instructor. Could be fun. Uh, lets see, nothing of importance that I can think of. Schools not going so well. I plan to add an RPG Maker section and put my game in it. I'm in a FUN AS HELL anime club, so I'll try and get down an Anime review if I get the motivation (Which is rare) to update this site. For some reason motivation doesn't come easy to me to blog and update a site. Dunno why, wish I did have more motivation. iRO registration will be up soon, and me and my guild will have to run a few events, should be fun. Hopefully I can find some way to distribute my game. I think I can find a way, given time. All and all, from these past experiences, I am recovering quickly and slowly. I've decided to let fate show me what it will, and I will alter it how much I can. That's what we should do, the way we should live.











Time is: Endless, 10:27 PM
Date is: Painful, 3/30/03
*brushes dust off of the blog* It's been... so long since I made an entry. When I write an entry all I feel is pain and hopelessness. Writing in this means nothing to me, except I live on the poor hope that the one I want to read it... will read it.

I'm so dead inside. Crying for a while can do that to you, but it's funny how those tears can come back so quickly, bringing their own pain with them, flooding you with memories. Memories... I hold on to them because if I don't, I'm afraid I'll forget. I have nothing to move on to though, to help the pain subside, no one... is here for me, and I won't let some of them be here for me because it's better that way. I try and think of something I can say to Val, but it all goes blank... and I become helpless and I feel so useless and dead. There's got to be some way past it, something.. I can do to prevent that. I haven't talk to Val in a while... because I can't, because I'm not even sure if I'm the one who needs to fix things, I beleive it's Rob and Val who need to fix things before I can get a chance... and something about all this seems so wrong. I think if things between me and Val could be fixed... they could be right again, but otherwise my whole features seems to become less and less promising and less and less hopeful. And, I don't want that to happen... and yet I'm so helpless to it all. I try so hard to fix things, but I'm so helpless to it all. It's not right, it's not fair, why am I so afraid of how I'll sound or what I'll speak? Why am I so afraid... of what I'll find. I wanted to talk to Rob today, find some answers. No success, I can't succeed there, I have to do this on my own, and find some way to do this on my own. Val and I have to confront each other, and Rob does too. This isn't something that will affect me alone, there's something else to this that I am blind to.









---2.19.03--- ---11:08 p.m.---
~*Short ends, and so I fell, high winds, and so I struggle through this hell*~
Last night was quiet a night. It was a totally new, and extremelly frightening experience for me. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I feel safe writing on this blog, but not completely safe. I can't explain it, I really don't have anyone close to me who I think reads this blog. That I'm sure of. But I'm not gonna say exactly what happen yesterday for me to end up where I ended up. I'm glad it's over, I've gained some enlightnment and have a few ideas. I don't really have much hope that they'll work, but I have hope for them working. I know if they work things just might actually get better. I might feel a lot better. I really hope that it's not rejected. There's still a lot for me to handle. There's not much I want to say, I'm always closed in. I hope something works. Damn my mind and it's circles.


---|Fell to Ashes at 11:20 p.m.|---


(Memory)
I miss the times Val and I use to have, how happy we use to be. The drama wasn't so bad, not as bad as it was now. It was more from a book. It was so unique and amazing. I miss the friendship, how much we cared and how much we loved each other. I miss how happy we were. The reason I want to go back is because I miss that stuff so much, and I think that it could still be possible to be happy, to have good memories. This only how I'm feeling right now. Before I felt a lot different. My emotions change so much.

I miss Mirtanna, hell, I even miss Lorraine. I miss the past. I miss RPing and writing poems and drawing. I miss who I was, and I curse myself for being this ball of crushed and withered flesh, mind, heart and soul. I feel so weak and helpless. I know I'm broken, broken so badly. I don't know when I'll start to feel better. I can hardly think. It's hard to understand all this. I miss it all so much.

This is to help get the pain on me out, so that I have something to outlet onto. I just wish I could rid myself of these memories and ideas. They still linger so strongly. Like me and Val having a house, I even remember a faint smell that went with those memories. I remember how I thought she lived and what the place she lived in look like. So many memories crushing me. I don't know what to do. I want them back so much. And I hate myself so much because I can't just let go and move on. I really need to shake out of this pain and start moving on, or I'll fall behind and become worse. It's so hard, there's not much I can do right now. I should go now anyways. I just wish I had someone right now I could share all this with, so it wasn't crushing me so badly. I wish the Val I could talk to was still around so I could feel better.
(Memories)

---2.15.03--- ---12:24 p.m.---
~*Need a lyricist publicist*~
I haven't been doing a lot of poems, I still get stuck on it, but I've done a small small small amount. 2. Yeah, not much. I haven't been doing a lot of productive things, and I'm kind of hating myself for it. Not much I can do about it though. It's hard to control the way I feel. I've been kind of vegging out on the computer, on a game. I should take a break and stop playing, get rid of everything so I don't burn myself out. I'm starting to feel burned out right now. Problem is, I don't know what to do. I need to get away from myself. I'm starting to reflect on the past and everything, and it's hard not to cry. I'm so sentimental, I wish I could be back in the past. God, I'm going to cry now. *sighs* I can't even stop it either. I miss all those wonderful things, I cure myself for being such a sentimental person, for being ... the way I am. If I don't stop, I'll end up hurting really bad, and do something stupid. I wish I could stop hurting. I wish I'd stop feeling so strongly towards some stuff. I'm really lost, truth be told. Everythings passing and I don't know where to go. I need to let go, though. I just can't do it though, my will just isn't strong enough. it's pushing me a different way then I should be going. I wish Rob was on and not grounded that way I could actually have a conversation with someone to take my mind off things. Problem is, due to this whole Val and her leaving me thing, I feel somewhat like I want to detach from him. Maybe this is why Val wanted to detach from me, maybe that's why she did. I don't know, seriously, I need to stop thinking about this stuff. I'm starting to ramble anyways. I just want someone to talk to right now, someone who I enjoy talking to. I'll rap this up. I'm gonna start a new layout for the blog too, something I've needed to start for a long while. Later.

Hmm.. on second thought I think I need to write in this thing, it'll keep me from feeling so depressed. For an update, Val and I have stopped contact with each other. I guess she needed it. I feel so down and sad, though. I need to stop reflecting, but I don't want the memories to fade away like most of them have. I wish I would have kept those documents, that way I never would need to reflect, those memories would be locked away, safe and wouldn't claw at me like they do now when I remember. I dislike who I am right now, but I think I'll change, I think this is just a drop before I rise. I hope I'm right. Right now I don't even know who I am. I don't feel worth very much and I'm starting to flip out more and more. I just hope it doesn't get to me. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic. It's how I feel though, and I feel so strongly. Maybe I should get off the computer and finish up Suikoden. Oh yeah, in 6 days Ragnarok Online will be open to the Second beta testers. That's me!

I need one thing right now. I need somewhere I can go and be alone, where no one and nothing can hear me at all, and I'd feel completely safe and sure and then let out and break down. I need someone who will give that to me, who will let me break down on them, let me get this out of me. I'd feel better breaking down near someone who cares about me and I care about them and they understand that. I guess that's what we all need. I'd rather breakdown with someone I care about then alone. I wish I was alone enough to scream and yell and cry and shout without anyone hearing, or to be able to do it infront of someone I care about and they care about me and understand and afterwards they'd come and comfort me. I could do that for someone, even right now, but I have no one who can do it for me, who is close enough. This is really hard on me. I'll go and hope that I get better, that time heals and doesn't tear away at me. Sayonara.


---|Fell to Ashes at 12:47 p.m.|---


---2.05.03--- ---9:40 p.m.---
~*Listening: Ragnarok Online BGM music*~

You know it's all gone to hell
So why do I continue to ring this bell?
Maybe because I don't want the snow to get deeper
Maybe because I don't want to answer to the gate keeper.
Much needs to be cleared
Because so much is feared
We cannot just live on our regrets
Aiming for our lives on a turret
It's not the way you were meant to live
Because there's still so much you need to give
So much has already been taken
And your eyes need to awaken
And I have been forsaken
Everything inside of me is hanging on
Because I fear my pain will spawn
I don't want to be consumed
By the dead light and unholy ploom
The tail feather of my darkest sorrow
Hoping for an outlet till tomorrow
The passing of the rays
Past my eyes, past the days
Perhaps all will be well
Perhaps it's not all going to hell

Music with no words helps inspiration quite a bit. Especially to write poetry and lyrics. I haven't gotten on to Ragnarok Online, yet. I'm still making a skin as I wait for it to open for registration. I trully can't wait. It seems like a really fun game. I'm use to playing on muds, such as Arctic Mud which seems to be a lot like Final Fantasy XI and Ragnarok Online with the exception that it's text based with no pictures. I loved playing it, so I know I'll love playing Ragnarok Online. That and I love job class system games. Variety is great. Also there's a chance of a snow day tomorrow, hurrah! Well, that wraps this up, Sayonara.

---|Fell to Ashes at 9:46 p.m.|---


---2.04.03--- ---10:15 p.m.---
~*Why won't she just talk?*~

Val hasn't talked to me in so long. I've been trying everything I can to talk to her, but none of it's worked. It's getting harder and harder on me. I fear I'll snap and all this anger will pour out of me and onto her. I don't want that to happen, I want to talk to her and get all this out in a positive way. I don't want to break and flip out. Why is she doing this to me? Does she even still care about me? Did she ever care about me... I feel like crying right now.. This isn't right, what's she's doing to me. This is going to hurt me so bad... I don't know how long I can wait before I just end up snapping and breaking. I hope she talks to me soon.

---|Fell to Ashes at 10: p.m.|---


---2.02.03--- ---5:27 p.m.---
~**~

I got RO to work! That's a plus, I forgot to set up the setup file >< . But I still can't play it, I have to be registered. I'm worried it might not play to well on my computer. I'm gonna have to wait till a new registration period opens soon, too. It says there's going to be another one this month. That's a plus.

I'm trying to make a new Ragnarok skin. I hope it comes out well, I'm using the layout of another skin to help me with this one. There's a lot to edit in it, that's for sure. It'll probably take me a while.

I probably should have some dramatic thing on here about how I'm feeling, but that's not going to help. I've decided to calm down and wait, a lot of this is out of my hands for now. My mother's gone out to get a phone card, so I'm going to try calling Val tonight, although I probably shouldn't. I can't just sit by and wait for nothing to happen, though. I need to find out for myself and not make assumptions if she wants to actually have a friendship with me or not. I hope she does, and I hope I don't make things worse. I figure I'll end up having to talk to answering machine, though. I hope she does want to be friends, though.

---|Fell to Ashes at 5:34 p.m.|---


---2.02.03--- ---5:05 p.m.---
~*I cannot just say goodbye to these memories
I cannot just say goodbye to these things
I cannot just say goodbye to a friend
A friend is what you've been to me
Even when I was not a good friend
You helped me when I'm down
Don't let that go away
Please lets give friendship another chance
Please do not give up on me
Even when I'm beggining to give up on myself
Please forgive me for what I've done
Please I pray that you read this
I'm sorry for what I did
Sorry to you, sorry to myself
I did not mean to cause you hurt
Please, lets try friendship*~

Val.. please don't just blow me off. If you don't want to be my friend, I understand. But if you don't, please tell me. I don't want to sit here wondering, wondering what to do. I want to apologize, I want to make things right. I didn't mean for things to turn out this bad, and I thank you for hurting me, you showed me what I needed to be shown. I hope you still believe friendship is possible. I can be content with friendship and friendship alone, I will not try and make it more. Please give me a chance. I wish I hadn't waited till it was to late to realize this, I hope you can forgive me, that you can understand. Please, can we be friends? That's what I'm asking, is can we be friends? I've let the love inside me die, it needed to be rested. I don't want our friendship to die with it, though.

---|Fell to Ashes at 5:17 p.m.|---


---2.02.03--- ---3:20 p.m.---
~*This horrible feeling*~

I'm afraid I screwed something up, that there's no chance for friendship. I don't even think Val wants to reply to my emails. I never thought she'd do this, and that combined with these memories and emotions that keep seeping into me I am becoming quickly overwhelmed. I'm starting to wish something would put me out of my misery. Looking at myself, I'm starting to break. I'm starting to hurt really bad. I can't describe it, but if I don't find some relief soon, I'm afraid I'll shatter and die. I can't take this, I'd do anything to stop this pain... I pray that there's some hope for me.

---|Fell to Ashes at 3:38 p.m.|---


---2.01.03--- ---11:54 p.m.---
~*Avoiding thinking to much*~

I just finished watching Hoshi no Koe, very good movie, though short. It was kinda sad too. It had a really good ending. It was kinda abstract, I wish I knew what happend after the ending. I recommend it to anyone. I should watch it again and put it up on Anime reviews. Which reminds me, I need to put one up for Love Hina. I've watched up to episode 8 of it, it's really good. I'm trying to keep my mind off things for now, and relax, calm down and just let things be. I have to stop straining myself. I'll feel better afterwards.

I wonder how I'm gonna make it through the week. I can't stop to think or I'll get caught up in it. I bet homework will keep me busy ^_^ . That won't be so bad. I hope I actually stay in the mood and don't slip to far into depression to not be able to do anything. Guess I'll have to wait to find out, see what happens.

I've been trying to get RO to work. It was a 400 MB download and it has a lot of other files I'm waiting for to get to work. It keeps messing up though and I don't know what's wrong with it >< . Guess I'll have to find out later.

---|Fell to Ashes at 12:09 a.m.|---


---2.01.03--- ---11:09 a.m.---
~*Deep Depression, Extreme Lonliness, I need something to cry on*~

I need to get my mind off things, so I'm gonna attempt to update this site as much as I can. I have to keep my mind off recent events and past memories. I have to free this love and stop fearing so many things, stop worrying so much. My love needs to die, it deserves that much. I see now that my love was love of past memories. I must stop trying to breathe life back into it, or it'll tear me down. I want to start a new friendship with Val. It'd help ease my lonliness a bit. It'd help me move on. I'd be able to look back and realize that memory is gone, and not wonder if I really left a memory or not. I'd have a new friend who could actually give me a hand and I could give them a hand. No more complicated emotions or drama, no more painstaking conflicts. A new start is what I trully want. To let this love die and let friendship grow in it's place. Plus, I think I could do without love for a long time. I would like to clear my heart of all this pain and stale emotions. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I can do it, I feel like it needs to be done.

---|Fell to Ashes at 9:52 p.m.|---


---2.01.03--- ---11:09 a.m.---
~*This pain, these memories, shattered and torn*~

I'm shattered and completely broken. I gave up, I gave up trying to be happy. I was talking to Val, things were ok for a little bit, but it all ran down hill. Until the end when everything broke. Memeories are overtaking me with painful emotions, I want to breaj down and cry and crawl away to die. Everything is hurting so bad and I'm so badly depressed. I want to get a knife and start stabbing the hell out of myself and fall asleep and hopefully not wake up. But that's not an option. Maybe she was right, in five months we should come back to this, maybe things will have changed enough. I'll probably have lost all that was good, I'll probably have lost any chance at being happy, but I guess that's not my choice. I cannot describe this pain, the wound is still fresh. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm already afraid. I don't know what to say, but I'm hurting so bad, and I feel like no one cares. What have I done? I feel like I screwed everything up, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. The worst thing is that I still love Val. *holds back tears*

---|Fell to Ashes at 9:52 p.m.|---


---1.28.03--- ---9:36 P.M.---
~*These memories are to strong*~
~*Sometimes it feels like I've been living to long*~

I tried to update this site, but it kept messing up. Not much I could do about that, so I apologize. I have been doing a lot lately, and I need to figure out Photoshop. I did take a class with it, but didn't get that far in to it. When I get use to it, I'll create a better layout. I have DSL and it works really well. I'm glad for that.

My first day of school in my new school was today. I got a lot done. I had to spend the first two blocks of class testing out of Algebra, though. The classes here seem to be much easier than out in Colby. I want to try and get farther up in my English class, too. It seems way to easy. I'll have to talk to my Counslor in the morning about that. I should go early. It's a lot different here, I figure it'll take some time to get use to. I'm in World History II and Anatomy also. Well, that's all I have to put down. Sayonara.

---|Fell to Ashes at 9:41 P.M.|---


---1.23.03--- ---3:04 P.M.---
~*Hello, little star
Are you doing fine?
I'm lonely as everything in birth*~

I decided I'd do one last update before I had to move. I hope everyone who reads this notices my long entry. It's lyrics from a song and it describes how I am feeling right now. I hope I can get a layout for this blog done soon. Everyone take care till I get access back to the computer with DSL ^_^.

---|Fell to Ashes at 3:05 P.M.|---


---1.27.03--- ---11:31 P.M.---
~*The way.*~

I'm on because I just wanted to say I got DSL. My inpsiration runs a very large low right now, so I can't give you all much. I apologize for screwing a few things up, me being the idiot I am. I have school tomorrow, it's scary. I'm really worried. I want to find my kind of people, but I'm not sure if I will. I'm to unique to fit in. I am excited though, it is a huge, nice school. I have to do a few things before I'm trully enrolled, though. I need to get a bag for one thing. They don't have lockers. I wonder what I should use for now. Well, good night and Sayonara!

---|Fell to Ashes at 11:35 P.M.|---


---1.23.03--- ---11:10 P.M.---
~*Moving*~
It'll be a while before I update again. Not to long, though. I am moving and this computer's gonna be unusuable tomorrow. Moving feels hard, it makes me feel sad, so many memories gone. There's some nice people here. To bad I never really got to know some of them. It's not to bad, though. I really don't feel like growing close to anyone. That's who I am. There's only one person I want to grow close to and love.

There's not much for me to say, I'll miss a lot of things, and it's to bad I couldn't learn more sparring moves from a friend. I would have liked to use them in RP and in defending the one I love. I have to go now, Sayonara.

---|Fell to Ashes at 11:59 P.M.|---


---1.21.03--- ---6:49 P.M.---
~*The idea*~
I've been feeling a little better now that I have been given a great idea from someone to help me relieve all this pain. It's been working pretty well, too. I wish I would have thought of it earlier. I guess now is a good time for it, I've needed it.

My neck hurts realy bad. It's also really cold outside. This probably doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but I thought I'd mention it. I really don't have much else to say. Later.

---|Fell to Ashes at : P.M.|---


---1.21.03--- ---6:49 P.M.---
~*No title*~
It's freezing around here. I dunno whether it's the tempature or whether it's me. I haven't eaten since this morning, and I had a cinnamon donut then. I feel so unbelievably weak right now. My head hurts to. I'm usually a good eater, but I feel like crap. I'm starting to hate myself and I know I've lost all confidence in myself. I don't want to be happy. I feel like Val never loved me. I feel like no one could.

My friend gave me an idea to help me. I'll try it. Maybe it'll work. I hope it does. I know he's right, or at least I hope he is. I feel weak though, I'll have to wait to do it.

I think that's all I care to say. I wish I was doing better, but I'm not. So much is wrong with me, so much is going wrong in my life. Things just don't look good in my eyes. But I just have to make it and hold myself since there's no one else with me who can.

---|Fell to Ashes at 7:09 P.M.|---


---1.21.03--- ---7:24 A.M.---
~*Shattered confidence*~
I have no confidence in myself anymore. It feels like it's all gone to peices. I woke up with a huge emptiness. I drained myself last night more then I've ever been drained before. I don't think I'll be going to school like this either.

I wish these emotions would stop changing on me so much, I'm starting to lose it. I want to go back to Val so that I can end this one way or another. I hate living like this, feeling like this, thinking like this. It's going to break me soon. I'm just waiting from a response from my email I sent to someone.

I pray that something will go good soon, but I have the feeling nothing will. I probably don't deserve it, I feel like nothing. I feel like I've been burdening everyone with my problems. I feel like I feel like Val could never be in love with me. I feel like nothing, just trash. I feel like dieing, rather then this. It feels like Val doesn't care if I'm gone. I think she's having a better time without me. And I still can't explain how I feel.

---|Fell to Ashes at 7:32 A.M.|---


---1.20.03--- ---8:57 P.M.---
~*Through the years and far away*~
This blog is extremelly plain. It'll have to do though. We're moving and a few things are gone. I only have one box to load up, my possesions are few. I have the choice of going to Scholar's bowl and playing against some team, or not going and moping at home, hogging the computer. It's a hard decision, duty or do as I feel. I will probably end up going, despite the fact I'm unstable emotionally and I want to be alone.

I wish I never would have agreed to the whole 5 months thing, but I had to or else I'd make things worse between me and Val. I still miss her, I've been living a personal hell without her. Luckily, someone who can kinda understand where I stand is helping me out through all this. I just worry that I'm burdening him with my problems. I've been trying to help him, though.

I've gotten a lot stronger after being away from her, I needed the break to take a step back and find my scars and what's been hurting me. I think I found something that's been affecting me greatly. I wish I could go back to Val now, and be with her. But I have to wait a good time till things won't be so bad between us. I'll give it time, but I know I can't wait 5 months. I recover so fast, right now I want to email Val so bad because it feels like I'm waisting time. I just am not sure if what I do could really make a difference, I guess we both need to give time to let ourselves settle. It's just so hard, I'm worrying so much, I'm so afraid, and it's causing a lot of damage to my body. To explain my emotions, it would take a lot of time and a lot of space. So I'll cut it short and wish everyone a good night. I feel so alone.

---|Fell to Ashes at 9:43 P.M.|---



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