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() The coming of an age ()



Bah! Damnit, my last quote wasn't saved >< Stupid Angelfire, oh well, that's what I get for using a free domain -_-; and being an idiot @_@ . Anyways, ignoring the usual intro and going on to post an old quote and repost the other quote. Both of these quotes were posted by Suzumi, and I find them to be very good quotes *nods* As for this first one, well, not gonna tell how I got it, but bleh, whatever man.

"War does not determine who is -->RIGHT, it determines who is <--LEFT."

Good quote indeed. As for the other quote, it's extremelly unique without a doubt. It's a great way of looking at an optomist/pessimist question that everyone's aware about and breaking it's double sided,black and white answer. True a unique answer to say the least.

" IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Depends of what's in it."

And there ya go, that's all the quotes I'm posting for today. Also, I'm going to remove this entire layout and put in a new one with a new everything. Gonna go work on the layout soon. Hopefully it doesn't end up being to hard. All my (non-existant) fans should be happy with this new change of layout. As for the old one, I'll leave it up for others to preview since I'm a nostalgic person, providing a link to it and whatnot, blah blah. But don't expect enteries/new layouts/etc. to come faster. That's something I can't promise ya, unfortanetly. Well, to all my fans (that don't exist) thanks for bearing with me.

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Ignoring the usual intro, there is something I need to post. I find this highly disturbing and shocking, and I have no idea what to make of it.

Mon, 30 Apr 2001 is the date of this email a use-to-be close friend sent me long ago. This is authentic and to me very ironic and strange. Quoting:

"Well its 9:15 in the morning*!^_^! cuz its the date of her b-day in time and such* I look at those things its weird *(¤.O)* I look like at the triple numbers (i.e 3:33/1:11) and birthdays (i.e your b-day 9:09 mine 9:15 Robs 6:29 etc etc) and then like when ever I see 9:11 I always make a sign of the cross, know why? I hope that God gives the paramedics,cops, firemen (etc) the chance to go out and save lives and such, its my little prayer of faith/hope I suppose."
-Posted by one who would be better know as Suzumi, at least she likes to be called that I believe.

I'm reading emails and trying to find some answers as well as subconcious questions. Don't mind me. Oh! And as a warning to all those who read this (Which would be no one) I am completely redoing the site. That means I'll store the old layout/files on this site and give you access to it, but the main site/entrance/etc. will be changed. I figure this will make me work harder and update faster, but still give you people who check my site (which is no one) access to past things. So new layouts for everyone! Though it'll be a while till I finish them, that's for sure. I'll try to go for origonal here. Later now, you've been warned!


Name: Titan
Logging on . . .
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Error . . .
. . . Error . . .
. . . . . . Error . . .
Session Terminated.

Hmm... I'll have to just start without the log. I hope no one else minds. In less than a week I've gone from dead inside to walking a line on the edge of insanity. I'm trying to keep this mess inside me from boiling over but... it's definantly not easy.

I need a breakdown, really bad before a breakdown becomes insanity. I feel everything slipping away into my subconcious which I'm losing any ability to control like I use to. I need to take all this that's inside me and either erase it or remove it. I think removing it would be the easiest. Problem with removing it is it's not always guaranteed to be permanant and involves someone to give what's destroying you to someone else and let them get rid of it or make use of it. That's what would be most comfortable to me, since I don't want to lose all that I am. The problem with all that I am is that it's to much. I could whine, I want to, I want to really bad, but self pity can't get me where I need to be. As for erasing it, I have to erase everything inside me and hope it goes away, and I don't want to do that unless it's necessary.

The reason why I can't breakdown is because if I break down alone it'll only take all that pain I'm feeling and multiply it. And right now I'm alone, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. There's no one I can relate to, look up to, care for, love, there's no one. And that's the hardest thing for me is to be so alone. My worst fear is dieing alone.

Why am I alone? I could explain that, but the perception from the outside and the perception from the inside will be different. I'm alone because I'm so different. Not your Goth different, not your social outcast different, not a misfit or anything like that. They're not alone because they can relate to others. Me, I'm alone because I can't relate to anyone on more than one level. That's not enough for me, that's not enough to make me feel like I'm not alone. Infact, it makes me feel like I'm even more alone. I use to be able to relate to someone, but she threw me out of her life. Heh, it took here a while to finally remove me, I was being 90% irrational then. But now I'm alone and worse than I was that long ago. I don't regret leaving, I had to at that point. But there's some things that make me feel it wasn't entirely me who caused my irrationality.

And I hold everything back inside me, because if I don't conflict arises, pain arises, hurt arises. Then I lose something I hold valuable. I wish I could take everything that's burning my insides, burning away at me and just place it in someone elses hands and be rid of it. I'd feel so much better and in so much less pain, but right now there's no one to take this pain away, like I said, I'm alone. Maybe I'll get something, though, or the pain will slowly dissapate if I have someone there to take this lonliness away... gradually.

And so, for now, I have nothing to say on here. Perhaps I'll add more, perhaps not.


------------ Decided to add something. I don't know who I am, not anymore, I'm without a guide or a hand to guide me. I didn't make myself into something unique, but rather I was born with it. I was always different, far more different from anyone else. I guess until my emotions trully grew I didn't know how alone I really was. And I never really had to know, because Val was there and I didn't know how alone I really was. Now I know how alone I really am, and now I'm starting to cry. I want to push these tears out of me, but what will that lead to.. But I need to do it while I still have the chance. It's hard being alone and being so different. And my tears still burn. ;_; I just thought I'd add that in there to make it seem more playful, but I really am hurting. I really am alone. And I know what I'll hear from others, they won't agree. But there's a lot of people I would never let near who I really am because that would give them the ability to influence that, and I don't trust anyone to influence the unique person that I am. But I just can't emphasize the pain that's there. And I wear a thousand masks to hide it, I use an iron will to hide the pain and who I really am.

I sent an email to Val, I want to know if she'll accept my friendship. I don't want it to start off fast, not after everything that I've felt towards her in these five months. I want this to go slow. But I believe that she's the only one who can painlessly and easily remove all this that's crushing me without me hurting her. So I feel a need to jump right into it, but I have an iron will. You know, crying helped a little. If she doesn't want it... I can't be irrational and stupid about it like before. But if I detect that something is wrong, because I know that I'm able to accept that when I see her she just may be someone I don't know, and maybe even someone I don't like, but if she still gets upset over me emailing her than I know something is wrong and I'll want to talk to her about it. Why? Because that's something that needs to be worked out otherwise it'll probably end up ruining both our lives. A problem doesn't became a mistake until you refuse to correct it, or something like that. I guess it's opinion oriantated, but if I keep a rational mind and don't blow things out of proportion there will hopefully be no conflicts. Anyway's, I've rambled on long enough, I should end this now and report later on what happened, though right now I'm only expecting the worse.




Name: Titan
Logging on . . .
Logged on.
Reading Profile . . .
Cleared.
Status . . .
Cleared.
Date: 08/17/03
Time: 0147 hundred hours
Checking Noise Frequency . . .
None determined.
You may begin.

It's been a while. I know, I know, I said I might post more often, but... I dunno what happened to that. I guess it's just I don't really need a blog, it's just something to have in case I want to use it. More often than not I keep my deepest feelings stored inside myself rather then projecting them onto a digital screen through a keyboard. I'm posting to share something that I know I'll forget, but that I want to remember.

I have a gift, but I don't remember how I got it.
It didn't come in a box, or in a locket.
It came to be deep inside.
And something I could always hide.
But I want my freedom, from this gift.
Because gifts can be burdens, when time begins to shift.

Anyways, I am gifted, and it is well hidden. I want to share it, but it doesn't let me. My gift is who I am, just as a person's burdens are who they are. I know what people feel, I know different reasonings to everything. My gift is something I would share only with some one person, and one person only. And that person... anyways, I'm off, stupid people interupting...


Name: Titan
Logging on . . .
Logged on.
Reading Profile . . .
Cleared.
Status . . .
Cleared.
Date: 07/01/03
Time: 2230 hundred hours
Checking Noise. . .
None.
You may begin.

^_^ And hello! Yes, long time no see. Excuse the possibly bright font. I haven't checked it yet, but I suppose it's fitting. The other blog was getting full, so I decided to switch to a new one. I want to learn frames and other complicated forms of HTML. Thinking of all the things I haven't done I can't help but feel underaccomplished. It hurts. Guess it's cause I'm a perfectionist and I thirst for knowledge and experiences. I have no doubt of my self worth as a person, but as an accomplisher I am lacking. So much to do and no longer any way to do it. Though there is a solution to all questions, some just aren't possible.

A very intresting era was the cold war. I'm learning about it in my summer school history class. It's basically all we're going to be learning about in there. I have no problem with that, we touched it a little in History II. A lot of cool things have come from it. One of the things I like is music from it. Many many artists got there inspiration from the cold war, since that's the time they lived through. Music is a reflection of our past. Intresting, isn't it? It's also a reflection of our own emotions. America did some stupid things during the cold war. A good song to listen to is 99 red balloons, but I like the rock version of it. There's a German one. I'm going through a bit of my music. Right now we have speakers hooked up to this comptuer, so I'm not really to positive I want to listen to music with others around. That's just the way I am. Very private and secrative.

I remade Mirtanna Manor. The timing was perfect, the fact that unity is in it, and all this other great stuff is contributing to it's success by no doubt. You'd have to check it out for yourself, look around. I'm one of the managers there, one of the top two. Perhaps the top *shrugs*. Lots of storylines developing, that's for damn sure.

I also have been having a few anime clubs. It's been a while, but it's nice to have them now and then. For some reason it's became mainly a hang out between me, Adrianna, Eileen and David. Though Adrianna is starting to get on my nerves. I guess there's not much I can do about that short of yelling at her and feeling bad. For the most part I can handle it, anyways. It's strange that I asked her out earlier and now I'm starting to like her less and less and glad she rejected me. That sounds a bit harsh, but it's true. *shrug* Doesn't mean I dislike her as a friend.

This annoying kid, Anthony, keeps bugging me. Argh! It's horrible. Just about everything he talks about I'm not intrested in. He tries to hard to fit in with our group too, damnit it sucks.

Also, I'm making an RPG which I plan to host on this site. The hardest gosh darn thing about it is the custom battle system I'm trying to make. You wouldn't believe what a pain in the arse it is. But I have no doubt it'll be cool and when I get past it the game will be so fun! Yay! I don't know how far I'll go into it before I post it. Though I doubt many people will get it as I doubt anyone looks at this site, but that's fine, it'll be open to those who want it. Well, that's all I really have to say. My post may be closer together though, so watch out!

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