I cry durign video games XD.
Funny title, no? Anyways, my life is looking great! A very cute girl likes me at school. She seems great, though I don't know her all that well at the moment. I got to know her friend a bit when I went to homecoming game. That's right, I went to football! It was great, because we didn't really focus on football, the highlights were loitering around and talking. God it was awesome. The cute girl was there, and we got to talk. It was fun, but she had to go early. I stayed and hung out with her friend and her friend's friend, who is pretty cool. We went to the little hill nearby the stadium a little while after getting in trouble for being in a place we shouldn't when we didn't even know we couldn't go to that place -_- some people are rude. Anyways, staying on the field was fun. This is the group I want to be in. I felt like I belonged there, not in the beggining, but after the girl I like came to the game I opened up a little bit more and it was nice. 'Cept for this one girl who I knew last year in Junior Lit. She talked to me, I never addressed her, she always was the one who sparked conversation with me back in that class. Then when I say hi at the game she says hi with this snobish attitude as if I was some loser trying to look cool by being associated wit her! Gah, what a bitch. Seriously man. Anyways, it was just plain awesome. I went to the girl I like's friend's house with her friend and we all hung out. I should just use fake names to address them, it'd be easier. Ok, so Andria is the girl I like and likes me, Casy is her friend, and Tim is her friend's friend. Casy is a girl, and Tom is a guy. Yay, settled now. Ok, so me and Tom were at Casey's house, and it was awesome hanging out there. Me and Tim didn't leave till Midnight. Mainly Casy and Tim talked, I don't talk much, I prefer listening over talking. They didn't seem to mind. When I did talk it never made me look dumb or anything. Anyways, I had a great time and they commented on me being able to run fast, and said I should go out for track, which was cool, but I don't think I want to go to track, I don't like coaches and sports that much, I have bigger plans, but hey, who's gonna care? Anyways, I love this new group, and I hope they enjoyed my presence as much as I enjoyed there's. The hill was freezing, the run home was fast, and the game was great! I just wish I went to homecoming, I could kick myself for not attending homecoming! I want to hang out with them more, but I don't want to impose or just jump into their group to fast. But hey, I got to start somewhere, why not now? Casy seems to kind of ... I dunno if the right word would be ignore or avoid, but she doesn't address me or acknowledge me all the time, not that I'm an attention hog, and not like I talked much, but it kind of seemed like she was into Tim. She did, however, compliment me and Tim out of nowhere, nice things and whatnot, she didn't seem to dislike me or anything. I've had those annoying straggler people around and I know how most people would treat them. 2 ways I can look at it: a) Casy doesn't want to hang out with me a lot b) Casy likes me and is shy around me. I'm going for b, since I don't really feel like the first one applies. Jeez, it's all complicated and crap :P To much to write out in such a small time, blah blah, I got other things to do, no offense. Anyways, I'm on the internet 75% less, 100% less social internet wise, and I plan to keep it that way. I've been excersizing and going out a lot more, and! I don't think this website will be updated anymore. Sorry to break your hearts or anything, but more than likely this will be my last entry. I want to say good bye to this and place it in my past, it doesn't do anything for me and maybe it never will. I'm looking forward to the future and the great things ahead! Sayanora, wish me luck, I love you all! Titan rained at 8:59 P.M. On the 1st of Libra. Stress among other things.
I am having chronic back pains. I must be getting old, haha. No, but seriously, my back has been killing me for so long. It's really distracting. My head also hurts from all the homework and ACT testing >
Titan rained at 8:59 P.M. On the 1st of Libra. Worries . . .
It wasn't a mood swing, I don't think, because I've been feeling it longer than any other mood I've felt. Though I am starting to feel a hint of depression I must suppose it's natural for my current circumstances, it's nothing overbearing. I went to see my councelor after finally having a successful appointment. I asked her about SAT, ACT, and Colleges, but we never did get to SAT. I was nervous, that's for sure, but I kept eyecontact I believe, and tried to focus on what she was saying. She told me a lot of things, to go to the college fair, to visit a website about scholarships and gave me an ACT prep book as well as other things. She looked at my ACT scores, than my GPA. She knew right away that I was one of this students who gets high ratings on their tests and low grades. She said it would hurt me and told me to consider moving into a junior college and move into a higher level college afterwards. Not a bad idea, but not what I had planned. The thing that came hardest to me was when she asked me if there was a reason. I could tell her right away that there was a reason, and it should be evident that there was. I have no police record, never done drugs, never acted up in class, no fights, no nothing. That should tell anyone that there's a reason. But what reason can I give her? Argh, it's so frustrating. I don't know what to tell her. I feel like dodging the question by degrading myself by saying something like I just didn't do them. But that's not what I want, I want for her to be able to say something to the colleges that will greatly improve my chances of getting in. I just don't know what to say. This year I'm trying harder than I have any other year to improve, but it's no easy task. I can't plead ignorance, that's not an excuse, but it is a factor in my reason for a low GPA. But anything I say, I don't know if it'll be credible. I know it's all true, but there's no hard facts or evidence. Hopefully by the next time I have to go talk to her (Friday) I'll be able to say something. I just don't know what to say at the moment. I need counceling from a friend, but I have none here who could help. Titan rained at 7:05 P.M. On the 30th of Virgo Do I really love myself?
Val told me before she left to love myself. I really don't know if I do love myself. Before, I use to believe I loved myself. When Val left for the first time so much changed, I never gave myself a chance to think about the changes. I never realized till now how much about myself I had kept bottled up, locked away, and hidden for safety. It could be confusion, I mean, I do love myself, but I don't trully love myself. I don't feel glad about what I do, I don't feel happy about what happens to me, I don't feel proud of the way my life is going. Who I am is valuable, but to trully love yourself you must take control of those other things. I want that control, I want that feeling, I want to build up my life and make me trully happy of who I am. I know Val is happy about who she is, happy and complete. My life may not be going well, but I must work hard to be happy about all aspects of who I am and my life. I hope this isn't a mood swing, I really hope it isn't because this mood right now that I feel, I need. I need this to be strong, to correct the pain in my life. I'm understanding a lot of things a lot better right now. But even feeling the way I do now, I know I was wronged by Val in the past, and the way she left me, even that feels like it was wrong. I have to do anything I can to keep this mood, to make sure it stays. I still need to talk to Rob, that's something that will help me. I can see a little clearer feeling this way, not so much confusion. I only hope I can work hard to maintain it. Titan rained at 6:55 P.M. On the 29th of Virgo Depression.
The teacher wasn't there in History, so I got lucky. I don't know what to do about the essay, though. A lot of others didn't do theirs, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do mine. I still need to find information, but I didn't bring home a book, and I think I'd be to depressed to concentrate on it. The mood swings are real bad, but I expected them to be. Really, I do my best to treat them like nothing, as I know this whole process. It hurts so much inside, and then only a little while later I feel numb to it, only to be followed up by something else. It's definantly confusing, and causes me to want to keep struggling to go back just so that it stops. I still think it was wrong, and I see some of it that was right. I am torn from it. I want to just step back in there and fight, but I know that would be useless. I'm helpless to it, and I know that. I can figth her decision all I want, but in the end she decides on how to go about it. I should stop worrying about it, though. Anyways, I'm trying to straighten things out inside of me, but it's impossible with all the confusion I'm feeling. To place down everything confusing me would take countless time and end up being one jumbled mess, but I'd feel better getting it out of me. However, I won't say all the confusion because it would do nothing to help me. I really hate this, I hate not being able to express how I feel or how I hurt, ... it crushes me to dig deep inside me and pull out all my hurt when no one can hear it. There'll be nothing I can do once it's on the outside except to pull it back in. I can feel it crushing me already, so I'll stop this entry and do what I've been doing for a 11 months, wait for something to save me for I see nothing infront of me that can. Titan rained at 3:36 P.M. On the 29th of Virgo Mood Swings.
I figured I'd add now with my new mood. I don't feel as sad for some reason. I wish I knew why I had these mood swings. It's hard for me to be sure, but I think that every time Val has to leave me it hurts her a lot. I guess it's no wonder she's became cold when she does it, but I think it hurts every time she has to. I wish I could comfort her, but I can't. I do care about her, how much, I really don't know, but it must be a lot. Titan rained at 9:12 P.M. On the 28th of Virgo The pain, the depression, the cycle.
Any update? No, not really, just entering into my journal to post on how I feel. Only a little more than a day ago I felt ok with what had happened. Now, I feel so sad and depressed. I look back and I see the cycle repeating like a tidal wave. I'm determined not to be washed away by it, but nothing is easy. Her cold heartless attitude and her caring connected nature cause such turmoil in my heart that I cannot understand it. The need to break down and cry is only succeeded by my will to hold strong, the two conflicting feelings cause such a tear in me. Is the cycle repeating all over again? I place my foot and my heart down and try and tell myself it's not. She told me not to hate myself, from those words I knew she barely understood my predicament. I don't hate myself, but rather I hate the way my life is going. At this point I don't quite hate the way my life is going, for I see no other alternative to this. Titan rained at 5:43 P.M. On the 28th of Virgo Some things are too good to be true.
It wasn't that long ago that I had posted on how my life seemed to have changed so much, and now it's changing again. Who is she to step into my life and suddenly remove herself so quickly? In all truth what she did and what she's doing seems very wrong to me, but no longer is it my problem. After she removed herself I removed myself. Where we stand now is fuzzy to me, but I have less to worry about at this point. I have my future planning inside my mind, I have inspiration and a will to achieve. Things were cleared up and though there was great potential for a strong friendship it was not to be. I will be thrown off key a little by this, but It's not going to be a deep scar but rather a small dent. As for certain things in my future... they look highly doubtful and unobtainable, but I will live with that because I have no other choice but to live with it. Titan rained at 2:29 A.M. On the 27th of Virgo Truths and Lies.
It's been a long long time since I last updated this rusty old thing. I really don't know what to do with it or about it. I think updates may be slow and tedious, or maybe not, we'll see. I've never been much of a web design, nor have I been really commited to it. I do want to be, though, but finding the mood and time is what is the hardest for me. I guess it's because there's a lot to do on the site and not a lot of time to do it in. My main goal is to add to the Anime Review page. I should be getting Excel Saga to watch, I'll have to post a review on that along with Full Moon wo Sagashite. I visited an Anime Convention over the weekend and to any Anime fans out there, you must go to one, it's awesome! Titan rained at 6:22 P.M. On the 23rd of Virgo The Day...
Today is the day. I'm curious as to what I'm gonna find out. But I'm also really nervous and scared. I almost feel like backing out of this and avoiding it. I guess I'm just frightened of what I could learn and how it could make me feel. But I said before I'd rather die by the truth then live a lie, and I meant that. I dunno whether it's stalling or not but I haven't talked yet despite the chance to due to current distractions and people around. Maybe I should just go through with it, I guess we'll see. Titan rained at 6:19 P.M. On the 27th of Leo Depression takes it's toll
I feel depressed right now. My emotions are starting to get to me. I think I might break down again sometime soon *sighs*. If I keep them under control I might still be able to maintain my emotions. If I stay strong, one or two more days, I'll be able to talk to someone and work some things out, though even then I don't know how much that will help. I know what the real issue is at hand, but I have to take steps and find advice to solve that issue. If I could force myself to smile and be positive I would, but when I feel something I never want to alter it, because that is usually the true emotion you have to deal with at hand. I guess we'll see, and I can only hope that this ordeal comes to a closure or at least finds a solution to fix me within a month, I'm hoping for it to be before my birthday, it'd be horrible if on my birthday I was still in turmoil. Hopefully Full Moon wo Sagashite keeps me occupied till I can talk to who I need to talk to. And because of the depression and possible break down I apologize to all those who notice updates become less frequent so soon after opening the site. Titan rained at 8:05 P.M. On the 26th of Leo Not to whine, but...
My shoulders hurt a lot, damn backpack -_-;. Wish I had a back rub or something, but then again who doesn't. I'm also really sleepy. I think I overworked myself today in gym playing Tennis. I was swinging the racket like a sword while I waited for the ball and did a few other things. Now I'm sleepy ~_~ . I'll probably go take a nap later. I want to watch some Full Moon wo Sagashite so I can write a review on it. Expect it to be good, cause I know I do! I'll see about writing a review on both the manga and the anime. Also, I'll see about adding as much to the site as I can before I feel really tired. Hmm, better go get started on that stuff... I'll uh... tell you how the nap went O_o Titan rained at 3:03 P.M. On the 26th of Leo Couldn't sleep.
Yeah, so I couldn't sleep. I tried for a little bit then came back down and got myself ready for the day. So here I am, updating the site again. Not much news for you now, I think I update to much now, this seems like more of an updates, guess who's working on the site(!) kind of page now. Oh well, live with it XP . Anyways, back to finishing up the site, I'll let you know how my day went after I have it. Titan rained at 6:24 A.M. On the 26th of Leo Hmm...
Sorry about not getting up at 3:00 like I said I would. I got up at 3:30, decided that waking up at 4:00 would be better and went back to bed. So I woke up at 4:00. Hmm, I'm gonna go back to sleep at 5, wake up at 6:15. I'll work on the site a lot more then, but I need a bit of sleep. No one better mind. *glares at no one, since that's the amount of fans he has* Good, then no one minds XD . Sounds like one of the ones I left in charge of Mirtanna Manor is running it badly. Oh well, it's out of my hands, but I'm still in contact with one of the others, so giving advice, blah blah, yeah. Anyways, I'm not gonna learn Javascript this morning, I'll have to learn it over the days. I'm still wondering how you do some things so I can't add in all the features I want to just yet. Just give me some time, maybe my next layout will be a million times better, we'll see! I just don't have a lot of webdesign experience or a domain, so bare with me, it should get better with time. Well, good morning to you all! Till I get on at 6:15 for more updating! Titan rained at 4:38 A.M. On the 26th of Leo Still awake, but still alone.
I'll wake up early for all my (non-existant) fans and get to work on my website. I promise that. I'll make sure I post first thing in the blog and add a bunch of good stuff that I can to the website. I can't promise a lot, working on a website can be tedious and sometimes it can get boring. That's when you need to take a break and do something else. I'm proud of this site, though, so I'm working hard on it. Expect some good stuff to be added within the near future. I'm hoping to get up a certain page for my benefits. Anyways, stay tuned you loyal (non-existant) fans! (By the way the Anime Character I want to dress up as is Takuto!) Titan rained at 10:08 P.M. On the 25th of Leo ZzZz.
Heh, I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep in my chair. Oh well. I'm realyl tired, so I'll go to bed at 10:00 tonight, I just fall asleep like a baby and wake up around 6 or so, hopefully. I might wake up around 3, though. I guess we'll see. I want to get started on learning Javascript and applying it here. I also want to get the sidebar done, but that may take a while. Just bare with me. Titan rained at 8:28 P.M. On the 25th of Leo Hard to eat, tired.
So it's a little hard for me to eat. I think this was the longest I went without eating. Heh, realize that I'm very skinny and somewhat active physically, weighing only 140 and being around 6 foot. I don't have a lot in reserves. I think I need to rest, I ate a burrito a little bit ago and some crackers earlier. Heh, I know it's not healthy... but it's hard. I might just head to bed after this and work on my page when I wake up... but something about that makes me feel lonely. I guess for a little bit I'm going to have to be alone, hopefully it won't be to long, though. I'm trying to learn javascript, but I'm a bit tired and can't concentrate. My apologies for that. Damn~ I need to watch Yuyu Hakasho, I'll be back to post more afterwards. Titan rained at 7:40 P.M. On the 25th of Leo Working Hard
My apologies for the parts where the text kind of fades into the background. Hopefully people will just be kind enough to highlight the text to read it until I can find a logical solution. It's an issue between quality and how much work I should put in to fixing the problem. But the good news is current entries are ok *^_^*. I hope to have everything up and sparkly soon. I need to find out how to do those little pop-up windows containing information that can't be resized. I *think* they're done using java-scripting since some little #java thing pops up usually. I haven't eaten much lately, just a gronala bar in one day -_-;;... guess I should but I'm a bit depressed. I'm better than I was before, though. I'll probably eat something today. Right now I'm just hoping Suzumi talks to me. That and everything goes well with RoG. All I can do at this point is hope. But I also hope to get this blog looking great! Then, I'll move on to making some anime reviews, right after I add in the nostalgia page. RP, well I've taken a bit of a break from that... The Anime page should also encompass video-games that are anime related. Well, I'll post more later, I have to get to school soon. Titan rained at 7:19 A.M. On the 25th of Leo My Road to Recovery
Eh, hem. Ok, you're seeing a less refined version of my blog. I plan on having this fully refined and working, no worries. And if you need to know, YES, I am doing all this on my own. I'm getting no help from anyone, if that isn't obvious. So be greatful. I'm learning how to make this blog look a lot more proffessional, but it's not quite easy. I got sources, so I'm no completely alone. Those sources include Adobe Photoshop and ImageReady, HTML Goodies, and a few reference sites that I'm not gonna post cause there's to many. As for my day... it's been definantly something different. I've rid myself of quite a few responsibilities that just didn't hold that much meaning to me and I feel a little clearer and find it easier to concentrate. My burdens are going away slowly and I'm hoping all of my problems become resolved. I guess we'll have to see. Titan rained at 11:54 P.M. On the 24th of Leo
So dilemma dilemma. I've got other things to do, though. Homework, study for ACT (I got a thick prep book and plan on studying it 1-2 hours a day till november when retake is available), and other than that I have all the free time in the world, so I figure I might do whatever, whether educational, messing around on the computer or anything really I figure I'll have something to do.
I hate being alone like this, because when I need someone to talk to, someone to make me forget my sorrow, my lonliness, my pain, there is no one. I have learned to live with that, I think, it's hard to say. But it always hurts to be as alone as I am. I guess I really shouldn't whine, though, but it makes me feel better. I feel so strange, I don't really think I can put words to it, I want someone to cry on and hold, but I have no one, so my emotions, my feelings, longings and needs as a person stay supressed and small. I have to constantly battle to keep my emotions in check. I can't really concentrate on an entry, so no entry.
EDIT: I'm going to fail my essay question on my test! >< AWWW FURK!!! THIS SUCKS!!!! I can't find any information on compromises of the constitution, I just end up getting half an explanation from some essay question on a compromise. All I need is 3 compromises of the constitution and than I can write how they share components of both federalism and confederate forms of government. I'm gonna fail *cries!* Damnit!!! I should just concentrate on my Chemical chart then.
When she came back it was so different from what I had expected. So what was the act, her cold nature or her warm nature? I feel like it was the cold nature, not the warm. I would let go of her if I knew she still looked at me. I have to wonder, does she? There's so many confusing things inside me, but I will work for the light infront of me, the only things that are clear. It'd be ok if Val still cared about me, and I think she does. But much of what she said contradicted that feeling. That's the thing I hate the most is the mixed feelings she puts upon me. I feel a little better now. I hate homework to do, but it's hard to concentrate, like I said I'm thrown off key a little. I'm glad I got that short time to talk to her, for it helped, but it should have been longer, I feel wronged that she would enter my life only to remove herself so quickly and in such a way that she did. I hope to be strong and recover, I hope for a brighter future, I will still work now that a path is set infront of me, a path I shall continue towards. I just wish to be able to explain in full the way I feel.
EDIT: The thing that's hardest when she's gone is the memories. I suddenly remember something which is accompied by a strong feeling of depression and hurt. It can at times be sudden and out of nowhere and sometimes it's triggered.
EDIT #2: I will continue updating, I feel I need this. But as for my situation with Val, mood swings will probably throw off my decision on what to do. I really don't know, confusion, the cycle, blah, whatever. I must decide, and though I want to decide tonight, I want to act tonight and confront, I don't think it's such a good idea, and I don't think it'd even work. I know right now that everything I send will come with no reply. Everything I do will be hopeless. With my constant changing moods I can only hope no cycle starts, these strange feelings I don't understand...
I doubt I have many fans out there since my site is really slow on updates and activities what with me not being a big web designer and passionate about it. I have updated my pictures section, that should be intresting, but I see no real reason to update this often, so I'm sorry if the next update is in the next month or two. Gomen.
That aside, I'm a little tired, and things have taken an unexpected turn in events, really unexpected to me. I'll see how tommorrow turns out before I explain a lot. I want to see how I feel tommorrow, as this is only the first day. It's still hard to be fully aware that this is real. It just doesn't seem like it's real, it still feels like it was all a dream. I'm having trouble believing otherwise. But anyways, I should start working on my game some more, I want to post it here on the site. Also, I need to post pictures!
NDK is coming up. I want to go as a character off of Full Moon wo Sagashite (Link to a good site coming soon). If I could remember his name I'd tell you, but I need to watch the entire anime series and finish the manga. NDK'll be my first anime convention. I'm going with the Anime Club! The Anime Club isn't as active this year, we need to find a school sponsor first. When I'm done I'll write an Anime Review on Full Moon wo Sagashtie. As for going as who I want to to NDK, I don't think I can get the costume any time soon, which is to bad... but there may still be hope. We'll see. Also, Comodo in iRO is coming to Sakray! That's all for now, I'll edit the site when I wake up.
