tell me something i don't know.
antisthenes: ancient greek philosopher. pupil of socrates. founded the school of cynicism, which extolls simple natural virtues over the debauchery and degradation of civilized life. the cynics prized freedom of speech and were known for their sarcastic and bitter remarks aimed at exploiters and pretentious orators. cynicism's most famous adherent, diogenes of sinope, was known for living in a large grain jar. when attacked for masturbating in public, diogenes said, "oh, if i could only assuage hunger by rubbing my belly!" antisthenes, upon seeing a woman's lover running away from her husband, remarked, "what trouble he would have avoided for only a few coins..."
this is where all my previous entries go. it was getting too cluttered.
my short story is online, for anyone who wishes to read it.
tue apr 8
lack of motivation is seeming more and more like a rational justification for lack of motivation. shit tends to whirl around in circles, at least in my experience. and it certainly does. is "ennui" a good description? i suppose--but that tends to be associated with bored existentialists. i'm not.
saw a horoscope that for once analyzed my situation correctly. weird.
everything2.com--my new permanent place of residence.
also, i have developed an annoying tendency to bitch, whine, and complain. i hope this is something environmental and stops soon. jesus. i would not want to talk to myself right now.
tue apr 1
an enormous injustice has been perpetrated in the last 200-some years. people now seem to think that passion and reason are incompatible. rational love is out of the question; it is shameful for a logician to consider feelings. this is in fact simply ridiculous. the greeks knew about these things; they always pushed the golden mean. nowadays, we like the "dreamer" type, too otherworldly to be concerned by such unlofty things as reason or sense. how i hate that. dreamers don't appeal to me. after all, if you don't make sense and don't intend to, you're a fool. pure and simple.
there are some things which make one shriek on the inside when touched. "never", "forever", things like that are examples, especially when they concern something of overriding influence. the distant past is another example. (my interior padded cell is deteriorating)
.
thu mar 27
ode to los angeles bus stop girl
brown hair, glasses, book.
i love you. speak.
wed mar 26
the last week is making me murderous. i swear, if this goes on for much longer i am going to kill somebody. it's not even like i hate people; it just seems like i start seeing through their dumb social bullshit. every time i see someone play a social game it makes me want to vomit or kill them or both. my new "honesty=best policy" tactic has worked out slightly, though it only serves to make me look like an asshole or a whiner. i can't wait to go back to milw. perhaps the people there won't prostitute themselves as much. social prostitution is a crime.
thank god for computers and programming. these things provide pretty much the only check on my insanity. and i am well aware that i will read this entry in a few days and cringe; right now, in any case, it's necessary.
fuckall.
thurs mar 20
sitting at home, reading about the stupid pseudo eschaton that has started. seems like things are finally speeding up for the world, not least because the stormtroops are piling n to take their share and the bombs are finally getting some well-deserved attention. probably closest thing to end times that'll happen in my lifetime. although who knows? we could all be dead.
inadvertently attended a protest after school; talked to some maoist party representatives who for some reason published an article portraying the american army as cold blooded monsters and rapists. they seemed to not realize that their dinky little revolution requires the support of the army to survive, like every other one. when i mentioned this, the communist mumbled something about the masses rising up against the evil imperialists. ha ha! good one.
i am against the war, because i oppose any killing sanctioned by the state--the contract of government implies protection of life and limb. however, i am angry at all of the protesters who mill around with pithy slogans and don't accomplish anything at all. i debated this point with my mom; somehow, i came out the reactionary. it's all satan anyway.
incidentally, i had the insatiable urge to finish each paragraph with a semicolon; c programming is getting to me.
sun mar 16
it's been a long time since i last saw this. perhaps my shit needs to be poured out into the world some more. i'll try to make this as long as possible--god knows i need it.
the lack of a decent church around these parts makes me frustrated. i'm trying not make not going to church a matter of laziness or better-things-to-do. the one in my old town was far superior to any of these--possibly, when i go i will go there. frustrating, however.
certain people (hackneyed, but i make a point of not mentioning names) seem to think that the old block-of-ice routine is anything but immature and unoriginal. i've done it before, and when i look back i laugh and cringe. how does walking stiffly and using good grammar and all those little things make anything an effective way of making someone angry (i assume that's the purpose)? i'm not, and basically whatever.. it's funny, in any case. but i have better things to do than worry about these things.
small programs are so much easier to understand than large ones. i can write a small program--what i can't do is understand all the mechanics of the large one together. it's a point of fading comprehension that effectively stops any progress. however, the gui programming was an inspiring thing for me. if i could only understand it!
calvinism makes people disgusting and irresponsible. faith is impossible without free will. if everything is predetermined, i'm going to go hang myself. oh well, huh?
fri mar 7
uch. ever the lessons flow in endless streams of decomposing mulch (sound terrible? that phrase actually has meaning). learn something new every day. unexamined life not worth living. all that rot.
it's funny--i don't want to learn anything most of the time. and i don't now either. but i do anyway, take advantage of situation. I wrote an entry a while ago dealing with roughly this same subject, under the same circumstances--confessions get boring and repetitive after a while. and i still agree. the archives still host some real pearls within the shit that is most of them.
text of previous entry:
after a while confession becomes a burden rather than a lightening, to be forced to tear away piece after piece of one's soul to please the nameless god that awakens in all of us. the covers reveal something that is not the truth, the whole truth, or but. the more layers one exfoliates the more complex and convoluted and simpleseeming the truth becomes. the psychoanalysis pulls one's brain out through one's nose.
also: note that being pretentious does not worry me. this is somewhere where i can spill random scum from my brain onto the electronic page, which is made tittilating by the notion of possible vicarious voyeurism--taking pleasure from watching other people watch me.
tue mar 4
so, another month is past, another crisis averted. nothing interesting even to write about, except laying back and enjoying the few days when i do not work. school is even more a mindless routine, but it's tolerable because of going to the theatre. that's mighty pleasant for the times when i have no classes.
i'm not so much swamped or tired anymore so much as lazy and unwilling to reach. but personal matters provide endless satisfaction.
love.
fri feb 28
it's already the last day of february, and it looks like i may be finally settling into my los angeles lifestyle. going to school has already become an unexciting daily drudge. going to work even more so, but with a monetary reward. i'll be ot of here soon in any case.
so much ugly shit going on with my life! if i don't know where the hell i'm going to live in a few months, what about the goddamned rest of my existence? oh look, i'm angsty again. never mind.
i have just watched a very impressive movie--tarkovsky's "stalker", a very dark and slow moving and philosophical and captivating look at human dreams and desires. could be deconstructed without too much effort, i suppose. but why? it's a beautiful, elegant piece of work. i wouldn't interpret it for the world. heh heh.
the whole bound and gagged thing again?
mon feb 24
does ranting and raving have to coincide with bad writing? my writing was much better before, when i wasn't complaining so much. does it have to do with the essence of the "genre"? complaining cannot equal good writing?
i have to find some way to write satire or at least something bordering on quality sarcasm. else this cannot go on--quite unreadable and certainly not even remotely interesting. i'm sure cynicism and being interesting can mix, i've seen it done before by the best authors. my skills are not up to par, though.
fri feb 21
it's annoying when people renege on their commitments. if one says one will do something, better do it. or else you are not to be trusted. did that once last year, twice in a row. poisoned some stuff for myself.
worse than fear and doubt is uncertainty. i don't even know what kind of situation i am in right now, much less how to deal with it effectively. society and its various forms of hypocrisy build so many barriers to effective communication, it's ridiculous. what is said is either the exact opposite of what is meant, exactly what is meant, or somewhere in between. early humans would look with distaste on all these ridiculous rituals.
hopefully i will soon have some firewater in my system.
tue feb 18
i absolutely hate dumb people. they're what are sometimes known as "retards". no, i don't mean "learning disabled" or "intellectually different" or some shit like that. I'm talking about the people you yourself see every single day, doing idiotic things for money and recognition. the man who does the "jackass" show. what an insult to human existence. or, people who shout loudly on the street for approval.
dumbness is a trait i have trouble living with.
sun feb 16
the recent newspaper headlines--talking about bush threatening the un with "irrelevancy", americans' patriotism not being shaken by threats, the million man feel-good-stopthewar-beirrelevant marches, i'd have to say that american news is daily pulled out of the ass of the head of the ministry of truth. yes, i oppose the protests, partly because i feel that the only way to stop the war is to kill george bush, destroy the white house, and wipe out the memebers of congress who have taken any campaign contributions. the other reason is that i think the world is ruled by a bored satan, and mere humans cannot thwart his will.
in other news, people grew stupider.
sat feb 15 03
bkgrnd: play ended, closing night. supposed to have been a huge cast party. indeed, i saw a lot of people there. cast party was at some godforsaken karaoke club. i was not of the idea that i didn't have enough karaoke in my life, and i did not want to spend 4 dollars out of my five. so i quietly traipsed off to look around los angeles at night.
i saw a tree with its bark covered in grafitti, and healed in such a way that the new bark repeated the grafitti-scarred pattern. it was beautiful in some way, or maybe a "commentary".
i saw a row of newspaper machines lined up at the curb like a parade; an interesting picture.
there is a spot on pico blvd. where one stands and looks down at the city. it is sickeningly beautiful at night.
fri feb 14 03
the reason i retired all my previous entries: too much journal, not enough cynical. every day i would go to this site, write something stupid to pass the time, and feel a load off my back. i have now decided that this is complete bullshit. if i don't want to write, i won't. it will be something good always. at least this site will have some acidity.
that is all for today; watch out for acidity tomorrow.
sites i go to. only ones.
this is the online forum i live on. we discuss politics, art, music, and the occasional walking corpse.
hotmail. email service. clunky and advertising-dense, but (so far) free. plus easily recognizable. check out hotway for a way to get access to hotmail and other web-based email through normal email clients (e.g. eudora).
kuro5hin. it's convenient to have technology news, political news, and huge roaring arguments on one link.
pictures above are from www.deviantart.com and are not my property. copyright their respective owners.
