i need to get some stuff off my mind....
Basics
Name:: Tiff
Age:: 15
Height:: 57''
Hair Color:: blonde/redish
Eye Color:: hazel

School Life
What's your school's mascot?: billie goat.. sadly.
School color(s)?: blue and white
G.P.A.?: i dont even know whta that is
Who is your favorite teacher?: right now? prolly i don tknow. i miss ms. kauderer
What do they teach?: english
Is this your favorite class?: prolly keyboarding.. its so relaxing

Internet
Do you use any instant messengers?: yeah
If so, which ones?: aim, aol
About how many hours a day do you spend online?: i dont know.. i ha vent been home that muuch lately to be online
Do you have a digital camera?: its broken
If so, do you post pictures of yourself online?: i ha ve a scanner to do that

Music
Do you play any instruments?: yes
If so, what one(s)?: bass clarinet, clarinet
3 Favorite Genres Of Music:: anything.
3 Favorite Bands:: right now its msi, twisted method, and trapt.
Do you go to concerts and/or shows?: not really.. i dont have money right now.
What is the most you've ever spent on a concert/show?: 15 dollars.
What is the least you've ever spent?: free
Do you think buying merch at a concert then wearing it there is corny?: no
Do you listen to any bands that you'd be ashamed to admit to listening to?: not really.
Did you notice the grammatical error in question 29?: wheres question 29?

Word Association
Blue:: the sky
Camera:: pictures
Boy:: john
Beauty:: rose
Pants:: teylonol
Music:: the radio
God:: jesus
Sweater:: hot
Live Journal:: i need one
MTV:: msuic

Labels
Do you think labels are dumb?: yep
Why or why not?: its too stereotypical
what label are you if you were one? myself.. id otn know..
How/Why did you get this label?: i dont know.

Which Is Worse?
Physical Pain/Emotional Pain?: emotional pain
Blink-182/Good Charlotte?: it's a tie
Being Deaf/Being Blind?: bilnd
Being Bored/Rushing around because you have too much to do?: bored
Losing your dominant leg/Losing your dominant arm?: leg

Love
Do you believe theres a difference between "love" and "in love"?: yeah.
Is it better to have loved and lossed than to have never loved at all?: to a sense.
Are you romantic?: sadly.
Are you in a relationship now?: yep
If so, for how long?: a littel over a moneth
If not, how long have you been single?: n/a
What song describes your love life right now?: i dont know.

Randomosity
War: Good or Bad?: bad
What do you think of designer labels?: i dont care
Who's skankier: Britney Spears or Paris Hilton?: who cares?
What is it with guys and cars?: ask a guy that.
Do you sing?: ...in the shower
If so, what part?: waht part? i dont understand.
Kiss or hug?: hug
What color is your room?: white
How old is your mom?: 47 ithink
Black and white or color photos?: b&w
Who cuts your hair?: supercuts.
What color is your toothbrush?: purple... ithink
What color is your hair brush?: white
What kind of hair products do you use?: i dontfeel like discuzzing
Is K-Mart just the poor man's Wal-Mart?: come again?
Are you sXe?: come again? im not in with these terms.
Are you sexy?: wtf?
What color to people tells you looks nice on you?: anything.. but orange
What color do you think looks nice on you?: black
Clothes shopping or grocery shopping?: clothes
Who do you sit with at lunch? crystal, mike, louis, colin, bob, tim and melissa
Do you like the sound of your own voice when you hear it played back?: no
Who has the nicest speaking voice that you know?: i dont know
What is the website for one of your favorite bands?: www.twistedmethod.com
Do you prefer to date people younger, older, or the same age as you?: meh.
Do you listen to songs on repeat often?: i hate em all
Who was the last person you hung out with?: john.
What did you and that person do?: we were at his house.
Do you use internet shorthand (i.e. "lol", "brb", "jk", et cetera)?: sometimes
How often do you bathe?: everyday
Are you a people-pleaser?: i dont know.
Do you dye your hair regularly?: yeah
What about your eyebrows?: dye them? no.
Do you wear makeup?: yes
If you answered "yes", to #96, are you female?: yes
Do you buy CDs edited or unedited?: unedited
Can you beatbox?: ?
Does your mom like the song "Hey Ya" by OutKast?: i don't think she has heard it

yesterday
yeah so yesterday around 1ish i walked to johns house and hung out with him for a while watching some tv, cuz hes got the cable up there now. THen around 5ish we took a nap.. john slept for about an hour and a half, and i slept for like 45 minutes. Then casey came over, adn we hung out then will came over and we watched the osbornes... then we went to wills house. I was so out of it.. whenever someone was talking to me, john answered for me...atleast tahts waht it seemed. the boys played pingpong adn pool at wills house with wills sisters friend.. i dotn know his name.. but he bothered the hell out of me. Then as we were leavving to go back to johns house, will introduced me to his parents. Wills dad was like is this johns girl? or something liek that, it was taking me a whiel to comprehend things yesterday. And johns like yeah.. and wills moms liek oh.. yeah will told us about you.. yer johns new ladyfriend... it was funny, cuz no one has ever called me their ladyfriend before. john cracked a few jokes about it. THen we went back to johns house, watched some more tv... Then around 930ish casey and will left to go to dougs house and john and i hun gout til 1130 and his dad drove me home.

WHen i got home i got a disturbing page that said "i just wanted to bye" from brooke. SO i called her back and she told me that she od'd and i dindt know what to say.. i just kinda tried to keep her active adn alert, but it didnt work.. i told her to lay down so that she wasnt hurt if she fell cuz she said she was dizzy and stuff.. and i dont know. But around 1230ish she wanted to go to sleep, it took me like 20 times to figure out what she said.. and i allowed her to go to sleep... god im so stupid. i feel like such an idiot, and if brooke is dead, its going to be all my fault.. i dont knwo what i would do, i wouldnt even go to her funeral, id feel like i wouldnt deserve to go to it, cuz i allowed her to die, i allowed her to fall right into her death bed... after that i talked to jon fox and jess hauser about it til like 3 in the morning and then i went to bed... i wanted to call john before i went to bed, cuz i wanted to cry really bad, but i couldnt call him.. . so i went to bed.

The only thing brooke was talkin gabout was how sorry she was to everyone. She said she was sorry about everything. She told me to say sorry to jon fox, sarah, chris, john prior, everyone.. she had this huge list... she mentioned jess, linzy, jess hauser, ali... and a bunch of other people. SHe pretty much put herselve down the whole time she was on the phone. I dont know what i am going to do if broke died.. it is going to be all my fault. ALL MY FUCKING FAULT... god, i should go die myself. maybe i should OD

i am never home anymore....
i am never home anymore to update my diary adn i cant do it in school anymore cuz they put blocks up again... BLEH!

but anyways, friday goes as follows:
after school sarah adn i went to johns house, then sam, steve and will came over and sarah and i quickly ran over to pizza kitchen and quiznos to get applications, then we went back to johns house adn we smoked some then the boys left, and casey came over and sarah casey john and i watched the substitute.. it was really corny. Then casey left during hte movie, and then a little while later, will casey steve and sam all came back with beer. So will john steve adn sam drank, cuz beer tastes gross.. so i wouldnt drink it. Too much of an aquired taste. Then will and steve went somewhere to meet goddard to give him a half ounce or something liek that, i wasnt really paying attention at all. It was kinda funny last night.. cuz we would be all so loud talking all at once and crap... thered be like 20 different conversations goin on in the little room of johns then like all at once the conversations would stop and everyone would be quiet and stare into space for like 5 minutes without anyone realizing.. it was really funny. T hen around 11ish doug, or goon or who ever the hell you want to call him came and picked up will steve and sam.. possibly casey, i dont know. Then a little while later, sarah left, and i spent the night at johns house. IN the morning, the alarm woke us up and we kinda sat there for a while. Then the cable doode came and put cable in johns room, and john and i hung out for a while, "watching" dora the explorer lol. ITs so funny how he JUST got cable in his room, yet we were watching all the local channels. Then around 11, i left, walked home. i feel quite dizzy... i think i should eat some more food, i really havent eaten that much food in like 2 days.. yesterday, i had 2 slushy things, and a thing of poptarts. Meh, im home now.. i need to eat more food and shower.. i feel so gross.

i hate angelfire...
ugh, i cant stand angelfire anymore, it gets more and more fucked up everytime i go on it.. i cant wait to get into deadjournal.. whenever eileen can get me that code and crap.

but anyways.. its been a while my pals... but heres as follows:

sunday:
sarah woke me up and she took the bus over and we all walked to burgerking and got some food, then oh yeah we stopped at the fire hall for something, but we couldnt find sarahs new pager, so we left... then we went back to my house to drive my bonnie home. Then we went back to my house, and sarah and i hung out for a while.. i believe we went to the mall and stuff.. ig ot some more rings from claires, then we walked back to my house and hung out for a while, then john called and we walked to his house, and we hung out with him til like 10ish. Then sarah and i wetn home.

Monday:
on monday, i had bowling after school and i went to karate... nothing real specfial happened tho. it was just practice, then i went back to school, got dropped off and i think i went to johns house, if i recall...i think i smoked too.. haha my memory's gone bad.

tuesday:
FAT TUESDAY! woo hoo. happy mardi gras... eyah so sarah and i didnt want to go to the mardi gras thing with her mom, so we went to johns house and smoked..twice if i recall.. i got so high that night. sarah john and i went to andersons for dinner.. we saw mrs. freneszy there.. it was kinda funny.. i was so zoned out from the high.. iw as like starring at her the hole time.. or so i thought.. then we went back to his house and hun gout some more.

wednesday:
i had bowling and karate.. i almost won a trophy.. i was really upset cuz i didnt get it. cuz ive never won a trophy before.. oh well. So i came home..ate some food, then went to karate, talked on teh phone then went to bed.

today:
english class was alot of fun, that survivor thing was so funny... "since, we dont have any paper, ill wrote on my body"... "ALL OVA YO' BODY" haha that was too funny. "amanda and jena were tlaking about someone with no underwear"... ahh taht was too funny. After school we had our bowling baquet and i won an award, i am so proud of myself, cuz i never win any awards...i won the first allison gerlach award. hehe.. after the banquet, i went to johns house and pretty much hun gout with him the whole night.. then got picked up around 945ish. And now i am here.. and it took me like 30 minutes so sign online, cuz that is how retarded this computer is... but i am on now.. meh.. and ai dont gfeel so good, so i am off to bed in a few.

yey my diary is working today...
friday mmm... after school i went home and i talked to bonnie, and we made plans for her to come in for the weekend, and so she did... we drove out to angola to get her.. then we went back to my house, called john.. hung out for a while, went for a walk, then johnny came over and we hun gout wiht him for a while then around 1230 we walked john down to the end of the street then bonnie and i walked in the dreaded rain to a plus and got some food for us for the weekend. Then we went back to my house and watched pirates of the caribbean and fell asleep.

Today, we woke up, i showered went to karate-sparring was today.. oh yeah.. then my dad took bonnie and i to walmart so i could get hairglue...fun fun fun.. then we went back to my house, and then my daddy took bonnie and i to johns house and we hung out over there with will, sam and steve and smoked then we watching the boys play ps2, then will, bonnie, john and i played cards, then we sorta starred out into spacethen the boys left, then john bonnie and i watched most of drumline then went up to school cuz bonnie wanted to see the musical. it was madd long, but it was pretty good at the most part.. very dirty... and GERFIN... damn him.. i almost wanted to yell GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE damnit. After that, we went back to johns house and then my dad came and picked us up, and john stayed over til about 1, and we watched meatballs.. we all fell asleep during it.. so it was a waste of johns time coming over.. but oh well.. the more of him i see the better..:-)

tomorrow my bonnie leaves :-( sadness...

im out for the night.. ciaoz... i hear some PIZZA rolls calling my name out in a few hours from now... ;-)

la la la elmos song...
so yesterday nothign relaly special happened...after schoool sarah and i went to johns house with casey and steve south, and we all smoked in his room... it was quite ineteresting, cuz it was sarah and my first time... i had like 8 hits i think... i wasnt really paying attention, but if i were to make an estimate, i would say 8.. sarah had two.. adn she said it tasted funny adn seh dindtn liek it. prolly ucz shes never smoked a cigarette before, so shes never had a experience with smoking. but yeah.. sarah wa sa little out of it.. not as bad as i was tho.. i would loose my train of thought alot, adn like john adn i woudl be int eh middl eof a conversation adn i woudl be talking then i woudl stop adn be like what were we talking about... then sarah wanted to go to andersons for some food, and i foudn myself loosing my balance and laughing histerically. But anyways.. we went back to johns houose after andersons, and then we hun gout at his house....by like 9oclock john adn i fell asleep.. adn sarah played tetris... when we woke up i was liek holy shit cuz it was liek 10 oclock and i was suupose to be home atl iek 730 for karate.. but thats okay... today, john skipped all of his classes, so i got to see alot of him today, unlike the usual 2-3 times aday. hehe... today its really warm out.. i was so happy when i went outside after school.. awe.. it was so warm out... :-) erm.. i better get goin.. love ya all???

tiff

as an interesting day awaits...
last night i went to a drill at the fire hall... omg it was so boring... i thought it was never going to end, even so, as sad as it sounds, i was able to pay actual attention to the whole thing without falling asleep. Then we ate salad and spaghetti and hten dad took me home. I went online for a while cuz when i got home i was suppose to call john, but his phone was still dead and his home phone was busy, so i went onlient o see if he was on, but he wasnt. Ugh... im really angry about a few things...but i can get over it, i knwo poeple who are far worse than me... and need to really get over it. I cant stand that kid.

On the way to math class with john, we happened to run into fox... he shook his head at me in disgust, i calle dhim an ass hole and john called him a scum bag... then i was like damn straight bitch... haha i im so stupid, i force that out.. then we ran into phil.. phils a cool kid.

On the way from first period, i ran into jess, and jess was like I WENT TO COURT WITH HIM... haha its so funny.. she said that he was staring her down and stuff like that, and she was telling her mom that she was going to beat his ass if he didnt stop staring at her.. i get a kick out of that, its such a small world.. well i gotta go... mr. amey i think is going to take over our screens.

je suis fatique...
yesterday got better as it went on. people are retarded i guess. ugh, i had yet another fuggin bloody nose during 8th period yesterday, im so angry.. i almost misse dmy lesson, ugh i hate band so much.

after school, i went to johns house til like 930, and we hung out for a while. And we went downstairs, ate some food while watching simpsons and then we went back upstairs and will and casey came over adn we watched malibus most wants while the boys passed around wills homemade bong. It was quite interesting. Im getting used to the scent, it doesnt seem to faze me anymore. Then after will and casey left johna dn i hung out some more, then mom called and wanted me home, so johns mom drove me home at like 930 and then i watched tv, ate some soup then brooke paged me regarding my last entry. THanks brooke for thinkin of me. We talked for i think a littl more than a hour. IT was actually quite fun reminising and tlaking about our sex lifes haha. She told me that she was going to come back to school today and ashe was going to go to classes, adn she told me that jon fox was going to be in school today... crystal and natalie both said that they saw him... i have yet to see him, im kinda thankful.. but today is oging to be one interesting day. But anywyas, i have to do keyboarding work, type up this essay for youth leadership for a course next year i kinda want to take. So, yeah erm... i shall be going...

ive got bowling today.. yey i havent bowled since last thursday.. its goingto be fun.. its a scrimage against east.. woo hoo.

i just realized how fucking scummy i really truely am...
so yesterday, sarah came over and we walked to the mall and so that i could steal two rings, and then walk to a nearby pawn shop and pawn them so that i could get some money, but it turned out that they wouldnt let me pawn anything, cuz im only 15... it was all retarded... so we gave up adn sarah gave me some money, in which i will pay her back this weekend, it was greatly appreciated. We walked to walmart and sarah and i got cameras developed and aww, they are the best pictures i have taken in a long time. i love em. While we were there, we visited barb, linzys mom and we ran into a few of my neighbors and people who go to my church, then john paged me, so i called him back and then i went back to the mall wiht sarah adn we ate some food, and then we ran to my house real quick and i grabbed my report card, then we ran to the fire hall and had our meeting. Sarah and i are going to do the easter egg hunt with richard, im really excited, not to mention, our racing team is going to fuggin suck ass this year... maybe i should have been on the team last year.. but oh well.

Im really pissed off/really depressed this morning. I realized how fuggin scummy i really am and i really am disgusted with myself.. like relaly bad. HOW CAN I BE SO STUPID... seriously? ive violated all parts of my body. How can I allow people to touch me? How can i live on like this. I should kill myself... i think i might go home after school today and sit in my shower until i decide that i am clean.. which will prolly be never. I cant stand this anymore. I am so disgusted with myself. I cant get over how gross and nasty i am. How could i allow myself to do something liek that. I dont knwo if i was forced, or if i am tleling myself that i was, or it is all a joke to me, or i don tknow, but i am really pissed off at myself... so pissed off that i can barely touch someone, or allow someone to touch me. I feel so gross righ tnow, no one in this whole fucking world would feel worse than me. NO ONE... not even brooke with her little "issue". no one can feel worse than i do.. no one. i cant fuggin take this anymore. i want to cry, cry until i cant see out of my eyes anymore. cry until i cant eat anymore, til my guts pour out of the little pores in my eye lids. Til all the water in my body has been drained out of me. ugh... i should kill myself. i am so disgusted in myself, i cant even work on homework righ tnow.. ugh i cant stand myself righ tnow.

i have to work on keyboarding work righ tnow.. so im out.. ciaoz

im updating this entry now. I really dont feel liek doing anything. I cant concentrate on anything this morning. Math feels like it never ends...it is really upsetting. Keyboarding is liekr free time, it goes by so fast, sometimes i wish it would never end. We have yet, another assembly tomorra.. or atleast thats what mr. amey says. Thers like 7 minutes left of class, i have nothing to do but type in this thing, with notihng to talk about but talk about how disgustingly gross i really am. TO think i really am gross. I don tunderstand why people hate me for no reason and pull hopeless insulting stunts on me, and expect me to get depressed fr it, cuz thats what they want me to do, and to think i fall for it every time, atleast i knwo i am falling for it tho. Im sick and tired of putting up with everyones shit. I hate every single one of those people for it. Meh, im so upsettingly depressed right now. I miss my johnny, i want him here right now this moment, this instant with me. I hate not being able to see him during the day... i mean its not like i never see him..but i hate not being able to see him during the day at school. well, im out, hopefully i can make it thru the rest of the day.. gah, i hate band next.. i cant stand band anymore.. im so glad i am quitting.. damnit, i forgot the check at home again... ill bring it tomorrow.. mr. cool can put a cock in it.. thats how much i hate him.. maybe hell bend over for sean kelly.

post valentines day day...
well this morning, mom made me go to church.. its alright, i got a bagel, hot cocoa and a carnation out of it. Then i got to go home and clean, then i went online, and made plans with eileen and crystal and we went to andersons, then we went to subway, ate some food, painted our nails, then we went to weggies, where i met up with johnny, and we hung out there for a while, then matt, gibbs, mike and some dumb ass named john showed up. Then we got picked up and we all went to dennys, and ate some food, then mike and john left then matt left, and then we got picked up and judy drove johnny and i to his house, and we hun gout there for a while...

its so werid, eileen and crystal were so confused as to how john and i can spend so much time together and never get tired of each other.. seriously, we spent from friday evening at 7pm til 1 am sunday morning together, non-stop, its crazy. I dont think i could ever get tired of john. i hope he wouldnt get tired of me. that would be horrid. if im not with him for a certain amount of time i feel as if i am going thru withdrawl... hmm hehe he makes me all happy and warm and fuzzy on the insides.