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When you are sad -
I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue -
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile -
I will know you finally got laid.

When you are scared -
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried -
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused -
I will use little words.

When you are sick -
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall -
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!