I refuse to let this river of consciousness, be run dry by lack of mental notes, four years of denial, mind control and Sin.
I must save my river for drought has come to my land. I must channel the water, and build a steadfast damn! Only if love were water, my heart would be filled to the brim of the cup. Is it real what my life has become? An everyday struggle, is this the way? The star that shines so early in the morning will guide the way!
I now venture into the unknown realms behind these eyes that fade from blue to green I loath this ability! Upon the vast marble corridors of my mind you will stare. Between the ivory columns of my mind you will crawl. Across the sea of tranquility, that resides somewhere in my being, you will sail until you find the fire that lives in side this salvaged wreck!
I awoke this morning or should I say afternoon to the sound of a malfunctioning fish aquarium filter. It is nothing new to me just not the normal sound of freely flowing water. This made me want to discombobulate someone’s head from their torso. It did not really matter whom just anyone who needed to die. So to the outdoors I stumble, to grab the water hose, to put more water in the aquarium so that the filter may operate properly.
By solving this problem I could avoid killing someone. Why do I feel this way? Psychotic to me, but me could I be? Be what? Why ask that question? I ask myself. Damn near lunchtime, it is already to damn hot to be alive. My brain whispers in my ear. I watch the girls across the street light up and walk in pace with one another in the opposite direction. They must have a place to go. I feel my bones could not keep up. Are all mortal souls this tired? What I knew of love was false; I never knew love at all. It was denial that kept me streaming along at such a speed. Four years of my life given to two women and I had nothing more than a broken heart to show for it. Now my mind and spirit weep for love’s sweet surrender to my altered laws of life and allow safe passage to my true being who has been held prisoner by natural law. Denial is what made me think I loved you, and you saw this so you rode the boat until it sank. Because you know how to swim, you’re an amphibian living in both worlds and bridging the natural gap between air breathers and bottom feeders. How do you do it? Like plastic you’re fake.
Your young face has lines on it, they crease and your eyes squint when you lie. You fail to remove you sun shades when you “make believe” your some one. In the sun, you hide. You forget to tell people that you’re the one who lied about the truth and your heart. You even lied to me when you told me that it was true, that you didn’t love me; then you went back on your word and consumed my heart once more. But, now I have changed. There is no more leisure time to sit back on the lawn chair of lack of self esteem and pity myself in this shady little world that you have ever so miraculously created in your wake.
It was you who lost her mind out on the edge thinking you where still back on the east side protected from the demons that run the streets of this desert city. You where lost. You looked up and realized where you where and which way the bullets where heading and in one moment all you fears had come true right before your eyes. You know exactly what I mean. You ran with me for to long you became one with the evil you sought for so long. The evil that took your virginity was not I but grows in the hole where his heart should have been, the man with magic sand stole your soul. The monster you still seek, but now you would have to slay your own being to relinquish that demon from his duties.
Again this morning my heart hurt as my weary eyes opened to the dawn’s first light. I wish I could find a place for myself amongst all these beggars and thieves. I place to call home even though my home is so far away and broken due to a woman’s scorn. Will my home ever be mended will my heart ever not rot with dismay? That’s insane now that I think about it. Why must love be the forerunner? Why not knowledge or health at the center of it all? Why love?
It is like someone so long ago planted a seed and that seed over time grew to be a forest and from the forest many creatures came into existence. Love is like the giant Ogre that lives amongst the rocks and water. It’s the only thing you remember from your trip to the forest because it scared the shit out of you. Understand?
Locked Doors
