Please read this
You probably don’t want to read this. You assume that I’m going to yell at you the whole time. I hope that’s not what I’m doing. (In fact half of this probably doesn’t even concern you. I start spilling everything when I write stuff to you so don’t be surprised if I start going off topic) I know you are probably sick of me writing and saying things that you don’t want to hear. However, they need to be said. I cannot keep them bottled up anymore. I don’t know exactly how long it took to write this. I’ve been piecing it together for a while now, trying to get everything into words. I know you don’t care. I’ve already accepted that. It bothers me that I never got a chance to get to know you. That was my fault. I was stubborn and closed off. I was afraid, so I kept it to myself. If you remember, that night at the outhouse, I started crying. I couldn’t take it anymore. All the pain that had been done to so many people. But nobody knew of my pain. I was living other peoples’ hurt. As far as they knew, I was sticking up for them. I was fighting my battles through them. I couldn’t stand keeping everything inside. I dug my nails into my arm to keep from screaming. I don’t know exactly how to finish writing all of this. I’m sure it will come to me.
I…know a lot more about you than you would be comfortable with. All of which are things you told Haily. I haven’t yet found a word to describe my feelings about them. It’s definitely not anger. Maybe helplessness. I’m upset because there is nothing I can do to help. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want it. (Note: If Haily is in fact lying, I will proceed in killing her)
I don’t want to seem to be…well…like me, but there are some things you’ve said in this fight that have bothered me (because I have a problem with correcting people…) You speak of self-mutilation like something someone does to die. That is the exact opposite from the truth. It becomes a coping method. When upset, it becomes the only thing that can calm someone down. Kind of like drinking. It’s done for many reasons but death isn’t one of them. People do it to stay alive, to punish themselves, to express their pain physically, and more. I’m not sure anymore why I did it. I think it was a mixture of those three. It becomes an addiction. When Haily started doing it, I begged her to stop. I now realize exactly how hard that really is.
I hope desperately that I’ll be able to forget all about you once I move. I don’t want to think about how hard it’s going to be if I can’t.
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve yelled at you. I don’t exactly know why it’s so easy for me to yell when things involve you. I guess I’m just venting some anger. I should never have dragged things on as long as I did either. If I stopped fighting, I wouldn’t have a reason to talk to you. Yea I’m pretty pathetic.
Lately I’ve been asking people how to convince someone that you’re being truthful. I’ve come to a conclusion that it isn’t possible. People can only believe what they want to believe. Their views cannot be shifted by others. I’m going to stop trying to prove my sadness to you. It just won’t work, and doing so only seems to make me feel worse. Since we both have that ‘I’m always right’ nature, it gets frustrating. Again, I’m sorry for any and all trouble I’ve caused. I don’t expect to be forgiven. You say you're nothing special. I hope one day you'll be able to reaslise how wrong you are.
Well, thanks for reading. I haven’t sent this directly to you because it won’t fit in one IM box. I wanted it to be uninterrupted and I didn’t feel like sticking around. If for any odd reason you need to speak, I’ll probably be online.
