What ever happened to raid?
Topic: On another note...
Man, Glenn was a jerk. So was Barry. Both a waste of sperm.
I realize this now that I have a decent man. A -real- man. *mock mock*
Always better off alone. Was happy single for two years before Barry came along, was happy for the next 6 months until Glenn did... never was -really- happy when with them. If I could take it all back, I think I might have. I'd still be working here. I'd still have met Nick.. I just wouldn't be broken.
I mean, seriously. I look back now and realize why and how they made me so horribly unhappy.
All Barry ever wanted was sex. Like a girl on pms if he didn't get it. The only real attachment I had to him was that I finally found a guy that liked classical music too (oh, and he played MTG). Right. I only realize now how much I resented him. But then, that's the way it always is. Oh the drama, the drama. He got jealous whenever I talked to anyone. Seriously, he was an insanely jealous boy. Those who can't trust, can't be trusted. I went to breakers with one of my friends once (with his permission). I had gone there religiously until I started dating him. I thought I might go hang with my friends again. That was the begining of the end. Wow, how sad is that? I never did anything but play the f'in game because he depressed the **** out of me :)
I stopped playing for 6 months the day I moved out.
Glenn was the complete bane of my existance. He got mad at me for being myself - for being a nerd. Oh neat, I wanna play this neat video game, I wanna hang out with my friends, I wanna listen to classical music - no, yells at me for playing my games, so I never bothered to do anything else that wasn't 'cool'... yelled at me for typing *hugs* to a friend, so I never bothered to even talk to friends (he says he never stopped me from seeing my friends, fuck off, asshole. you did too... you yell at me for hugging them online, but you can watch your friends strip? oh yeah, right). I mean, he freaked out when he found out that I went to a movie with my FRIEND OF YEARS when we first started dating. He thought I should have told him. WTF? Can you say controlling?... He obviously didn't much enjoy my music either. I hate that boy so much.
I stopped playing the game again.
Both boys were so jealous and controlling...
Yes, they both seemed nice. Both seemed great at first. But then they always do. And to their friends, sure, they're probably still nice. But apparently I bring out the worst in people. Maybe it's because I refuse to be controlled. I think that pissed them both off. If they ever told me to do what I wanted, I'd often say "If I didn't want to, I wouldn't" or "If I want to I will"... Told them it didn't matter what they thought, I wanted to lose weight for me.


If a girl is lying in your bed wearing nothing but a thong and smile, with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other when you come home from work, you don't say "heh" and leave the room.


Wow, it's just so refreshing to have someone that isn't always shitting on you, you know... It's nice to, for once, have someone that doesn't complain about you being you. Someone I can talk about and get excited over the conversaions because they're.. well.. they exist. We talk so much. About everything. We don't get sleep because we talk so much. Ha.

But like I said, it's nice, for once, to have someone that I can actually hang out with and do things I like with.


AND I'M NOT AFRAID!
He's strong. Strong enough to pick me up, pin me against a wall and ravish me. And I really don't mind. Because of my past (being pinned down and forced when I was 16.. oh look, now I have a kid)... I kinda used to freak out when people showed they were stronger than me. I dated skinny lanky guys. And if they didn't listen when I politely yelled at them to get the fuck off me, I'd throw them off.
Maybe I didn't trust other guys. Maybe there was a lack of passion. Maybe I never really wanted them. I can see that.
It goes back to my theory of blind ('visually ignorant'). I think before I forgot to close my eyes. Ironically, they weren't open, and that's the problem. I was with people and stayed with them for all the wrong reasons. It was horrible.


As stated in my other blog, how I enjoy Nick in ways I never enjoyed others? Well, obviously, the sex :)
Everyone else made me bleed the first time. I'm not that big a girl. And if I'm not turned on, I will bleed easily. I figured, since Nick is definately bigger than these other boys, I would most definately bleed. No. He did a damn good job at getting me happy first. And he keeps me happy. It's like.. wow.
The others, I'd push them off soon as they were done, and run to the bathroom. Nick's up again in 5 min and we're at it again.
Sex with others was more of a chore, unless they were going down on me. And even then, they generally didn't have much of a clue as to what they were doing. Once I was done, I'd stop them. If they kept going, it hurt. Nick knows what he's doing, natural talent, and after the first, comes the second.. and third.. wow. It's amazing sex. What can I say?

This is where the entry is cut uncharacteristically short for no apparentl reason.

Background Story
Mood:  down
Why is everyone always trying to tell me I'm something I'm not?
I've worked so hard to become not what my family is, to deny my genes the inherited taints...



Abuse.. my whole family is violent. They all have tempers. So I remain calm even when I don't want to. I refuse to hit anyone, yet..

Glenn tells me to hit him when I'm mad. He smacks his head off of doors and walls, trying to convince me that I have slammed the door in his face (when he was a few feet away), or that I've pushed him so hard that I have thrown him into the wall (when physics suggests twas not so - I was moving in the opposite direction dear)... so why does he try to convince me that I'm abusive? Whyso more.. when he is the one that does this onto me? Mental abuse.




Addictions... family trait number two. My father, alcohol and nicotine.. my mother gambling.. my sister drugs and alcohol.. my brother, spending...

I used to have a hobby. There is nothing to do in my home town. So I took up RPGs. "Why do you spend so much money on crap?" was the question I was asked. I purchased one book every month or so. $30 a month or two is better than 5 a day (mom), 30 a week (dad), 50 a weekend (sister), 350 every paycheque (brother)... I stopped playing. Twas merely a hobby. I did not think about it every waking moment of my life. I did not HAVE to. I just used it as a timepasser.. a form of amusement of socialization...
So I tried another form.. magic the gathering. I rarely bought cards - I was either given them or won them. I made money on this venture - selling when I did buy, only at a higher price. I only played once a week... alas, one would see this as both, socially gratifying and financially positive. Yet again, it was deemed inappropriate.
I'm sorry if you people find my means of amusement less than acceptable because the majority of people that participate in such activities are socially inapt. But... these people are not addicted to drugs or alcohol for the most case.. so what is more damaging? A game that makes you think, or a drug that kills your brain?
Again, I did not play very much, but twas put away due to other people's intolerance to my activities.

So my friends convince me to buy a new game.. World of Warcraft. There are people out there that are addicted to this game... dying after playing for so long it has taken it's tole... but.. wait.. I don't play everyday. I stopped playing for 6 months, and took up writting again.. but then other people depressed me... I began playing again.. as a means of escape, yes.
But was it ever an addiction? No. There is nothing to do in my fair house. When the other person living with you becomes unbearable, what else is there to do? I created a website for a while, but that amusement only lasted so long.
I tried writting, but I failed.. alas, I cannot do this while depressed. And it wasn't acceptable that I wish to be alone while I write.
It is not the only game I play, nor was it ever. I have many games. I am a gamer. I play video games. But because I play it.. because I am one of many.. I am considered addicted - because others are, therefore I MUST be...
Or so is their way of thinking.

But I don't play everyday. I had not played for 6 months while running an active subscription for 2 of those 6...

But I enjoy the game. I enjoy talking to the people more than playing.. I enjoy helpping others through their game more than questing myself.. so am I addicted to the game, or the people? Maybe it is the type of people that are constantly riddiculed, like myself, that I find comfort in. Maybe it was never the games/hobbies at all. Maybe all along it has been the people.. the accepting people.. the loving people.. my people. I have always thought of the other people before me.. maybe it's time I think of myself first?



Oh, there is more.. but.. nothing as of late. The accent I dropped, the gender I deny, the intelligent I show, etc...
But what really is the point of going into it all? Maybe later.. but right now, enough has been said.

Today in history: Today SUCKED
Mood:  cool
Topic: It's all good
Yes, today sucked. Here's the play by play.
I wake up. I don't want to go to work. Glenn was gonna get up at 10 and either make me breakfast or make me ;-) ;-) breakfast.
Didn't happen. Didn't really care. But the alarm woke me up at 10. Didn't get back to sleep.
So the water works again, that's always good. Didn't work last night when we went to bed. Hoped it would when we got up. And it did. I jump in the shower. I use my new shampoo/conditioner. It makes my hair super tangly. Oh that's ironic, and fairly annoying. I'm done by the time Glenn jumps in.. so I get out to make a salad. Glenn goes to check his email. And his bank account. And I don't know why. I make salad. I ask him to make lunch. He puts the food on the counter. As always when I ask him to make lunch. He just takes it out of the fridge and puts it on the counter.
So I finally get the salad made, toss the food in a bag, and we're already late. Where is Glenn? At the computer again. Come on Glenn, we gotta go.

I get to work. I hear singing. Damn you people and your stickery of xmas songery. I get the crap that's left from the turkey dinner - a slab of bird with grizzly gravey.. no dressing - my fav part... and a gravy covered roll. Yay. No drink. I eventually bribe Evan to give me one of the ones he gafted.

I go on the floor. Log in last minute. No one around. Funny that. I start taking chats. I get told by an agent again. Because he doesn't want to do his job, and I don't think I should have to do his work. I send a nice nasty imail about it. Lunch comes around, Glenn is a complete jerk. I run back because I have to be in the MustDos queue, the FS queue, the SIK queue, and the tech queue - ALL BY MYSELF. Ok, fun stuff!

Glenn gets upset because I wanna run back early to find out about must do's and what business rules are suspended.
Jerk.
So he comes up after everyone leaves and I'm here all alone, tells me off because I don't know how he should 'break it' to his parents that I have a kid. Tells me the wedding is off and runs away.
Jerk.
Jerk.
You fucking jerk.
I don't know his parents.
Fucking jerk.
Devo and Cass come back. They go into the queues, I run to the bathroom and cry my little heart out, come back and write a big nasty blog entry about the jerk.
Fucking jerk.
He comes back 5 min after I come back, gives me a smoothie and says he's a jerk and he knows.
Fucking jerk.
And so now I'm sitting here. Boiling over, wanting to hurt small animals. And this is what I'd like to say...

I'M FLOOR SUPPORT, NOT YOU, LISTEN TO ME AND DO YOUR DAMN JOB ASSHOLE, BECAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. I'M ABOVE YOU AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN FUCKING DO ABOUT IT. I AIN'T DOIN YOUR JOB FOR YOU. I'LL HELP YOU IF YOU'RE NICE, BUT IF YOU'RE NOT, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I -WILL- GIVE YOU A HARD TIME.

GO FUCK YOURSELF JERK. YOU'RE A JERK. YOU'RE A JERK. YOU'ER A JERK. AND YOU DAMNWELL KNOW IT. JERK.
FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOUR DAMN SELF. I DON'T KNOW YOUR PARENTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. I DIDN'T THINK THE FACT THAT I HAVE A SON WAS A BIG DEAL. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A PROBLEM. EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME. I MUST HAVE BEEN LIED TO.

And I love my baby mouseies.
It's all good. People suck and I can live with that. That's life. I'm cool. I'm mellow. I don't give a damn. People have high horses, but horses break legs and you have to shoot them. Then you have a dead horse. I'd rather walk.

Sometimes I might get a little crazy and
Sometimes I might seem out of hand
But I’m sayin’ life’s too short for me to
let you dictate what I say
and the moves I make
Sick of people tryin’ to tell me what to do
It’s my life and I’m a live it like I want to

Success or failure? Maybe both
Mood:  don't ask
So I believe I've managed to change Pam's mind about being contrary as she puts it. She's been happy lately. As she should be. Now if she could only really consider ending the unhappiness in her life and moving on.

In my theory, 'staying together for the kids' is the worst thing you can do 'for the kids'. I'm sure they would much rather have two christmas' a year than have their parents fighting ALL year.

But then the failure...
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE HAPPY? I want to make you happy, but it cannot involve any of the following: Materialism, sex, impossible feats.
So it's impossible to make you happy? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Have people gone so far from reality that they can't see that there's so much more to life than stuff/money, and sex? Do they even know what happiness is anymore?

Or maybe I'm a lone wandering in this world... the only person on this planet that can live without material goods and sex for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy? Well, that can't be true. I'm sure at least one religious figure does it. But then again, they do it only because of their strong belief in god, and that if they don't, they shant see heaven. Their after life won't be as great as it could be - wait a sec... starting to sound like humans again.

Sometimes... sometimes I want to give everything I own, EVERYTHING, away. I want to give every penny I make above and beyond what I know, to something I know will make a difference. The problem is, I don't know what would make a difference. If I started contributing $500 a month to a cancer research center... well, that's really nothing in the grander scheme of things.
And it wouldn't make people happy.
And that's what I want to do.
And for some reason, this requires money... to make people happy...
And it's so depressing when you're the only happy person you know. The only person that knows where true happiness comes from, that can experience it everyday, no matter what happens, where you are, etc.
Ironic. Happiness is depressing.
I'm not autistic, I'm altruistic.

Sin-ical
Topic: Observing humans
So it occurs to me that everyone seems to believe that to be happy, one has to have a significant other. Why are people this way?

Months and months ago when I first started having problems with Barry, Ian said "Don't worry Flash, you'll find someone"... to which my reaction was confusion. I never wanted anyone before. Why would I want anyone now? I was peaceful and happy before. It's only through the interferance of other people that I become unhappy.
About a week ago, I was being my now normally happy self at work. Bouncy, cheerful, and basically everything you never see in people nowadays. Pam made a statement "You must have someone new". No. No, in fact I didn't. I asked her why she thought this, and she said it was because I was so happy.
Everyone I know that is depressed.. their major concern is a recent break up, or their inability to get a steady significant other.
So I've come to the conclusion that humans believe that true happiness comes from other people. They feel they cannot be happy without another person with which they can have a single intimate relationship with.
Now, on my own basis, I feel that I can have an intimate relationship with someone, without sex, through a friendship, and be perfectly happy with or without such a relationship. Moreso without, however, because of all the precieved problems with such relationships.
People like to make problems. It's a fact of life. If they don't have a problem, they become bored and make shit up. I don't understand this. This is why there is no such thing as a non-problematic relationship.
Everyone has problems because no one is perfect, yet they expect people to be perfect. When they get bored with someone they chose something that was never really a problem before, and make it into one. Why? Well, I just don't know that yet. My only conclusion can be boredom.

As far as boredom and I go... I don't like boredom. I discovered this years ago. And thus, to overcome such problems, I've developed a good imagination. I can no longer get bored unless forced to stay on one unamusing task for an extended period of time. Like my job. My job is boring.
Now, at the same time, I like problems less than boredom. I don't create problems. I'd rather deal with boredom - which I have an unnatural aptitude for dealing with. I can sit in a completely white room, with nothing at all to amuse myself, and be perfectly amused. Why? Imagination. I revert to Angieland with my imaginary friend. Now, I'm sure this isn't a completely sane thing to do, but it's what keeps me sane. Ironic.

I think the reason I can remove myself from humanity to look at and observe them is the fact of this incomplete sanity. I have no bias.
Not to long ago someone said that to study psychology, everyone uses themself as a basis. I disagree. A true psychologist, a good psychologist, with not use themselves as a basis for anything. They can completely remove themselves from the human race - from society. That is how you become a sociologist. That is how you become nonbias in any sense - racism, sexism, etc. You have to look at people for what they are - just another animal - not for what they think they are - above everything else. Play the devil's advocate.
Can you see how Bush is a terrorist? How polygamy is the opposite of male chauvinistism? How imprisoning a murder is inhumane? Or why crack addicts should not get sympathy?
I'm not saying these are my complete opinions. I'm saying I can see many sides to every story. And no, there are not only two. There are almost never two answers, or two views.

Before you speak, think.

Maybe you're wrong, maybe you're blind
Maybe you don't see everything you should
Maybe before long, maybe you'll find,
Maybe you'll notice what you never could

Happenis or Happiness?
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Debussy - The Girl With The Flaxen Hair
Topic: Observing humans
So I'm finally alone in the world, completely. Yes, I have my friends, but I can not be around them. Months have passed since I've updated this. But I wasn't able to update it. Too depressed. Ironic.
And now I'm too happy. Apparently.
The world around me is full of such unhappy, angry, hateful people. And I haven't the foggiest as to why. Mayhaps these people have to open their eyes like I have opened mine.
The world isn't such a horrible place as everyone makes it out to be. Emo kids will grow up and get over it, or die at a young age for their stupidity. I have no sympathy for stupidity and maybe that makes me a bad person, but I believe natural selection was a good idea until man came along and fucked it up.
I dislike the fact that everyone is so unhappy. All I want to do is make these people happy, but I find it's just not working. I ask people what would make them happy, and they state the impossible, the improbable, or the completely and utterly ridiculous.
What's the point in wanting something you can't have? I see no point to it so I don't want anything I can't have. Even if I had it at one point, but no longer have it or am capable of obtaining it - it's gone from my want list. Not that I want a lot... just what I need. And since I don't need a significant other, I guess that's my tragic flaw - I can't see why people are so horribly attached to having someone. Not to people, but to the concept of HAVING someone - of being WITH someone.
Yes, it's nice to have someone to do intimate things with, but when you really think about it, completely happiness doesn't come from other people. I believe most people aren't happy with themselves and thus they need another person to make them happy. I don't understand this.
And again, I fall back to.. all I want to do is make other people happy. Is that so wrong? No. But I'm afraid that for some people, the only way to make them happy is to show them what a real relationship can be... and then they're there, and happy, and I realize I'm not, because I don't want a relationship.. and what do I do? I have no choice but to crush everything I've done for them. The happiness I worked so hard on creating within these people, the happiness I sacrificed things to achieve - is now gone, and the place is filled with depression.
Why can't people be happy with the simple things in life? I sit here, not happy at all with the current state of affairs - so many people around me being unhappy. But what can I do? Nothing but be happy myself. I'm not going to be depressed because everyone else is. That's not a valid reason. No matter how crooked people are or how many of them I meet in a day, I refuse to give up my happiness. No one can bring me down. Yes, this is a recent discovery, but it's wonderful. No matter what happens I cannot be upset. I'm untouchable. It's like the untouchable I was before, but better. Before I was not happy. I wasn't depressed either. I was neutral untouchable. But now I'm happy untouchable.

Maybe I'm just a simple creature, but there's so much that I don't understand about humans. How can so little bring someone so down? How can nothing worry them so much? Why do they feel such a need, an actual NEED, for others?
Yes, some people LIKE being unhappy, but not all that are so. Some people think worry is a good thing that prepares you, but it never is, you just need common sense. It's not a need, it's a feeling of need - an extremely strong want.

So I've decided that instead of working overtime today, since I have nothing better to do... I'll go to the mall and watch people - try to understand.

Break into my mind
Try to understand
See the tears of pearls
Hold them in your hand

And so the drama continues
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Somebody Told Me by The Killers
I do try ever so hard to be optimistic, but there comes a point where no one can be... I have reached that point.
When your grandmother, cat and uncle in law die within 2 weeks... your great new job jips you 2 days pay when you really need the money.. when your sibling who needed money so bad doesn't want to pay you back and refuses to drive you anywhere after lending him 600 bucks of your rent money so he can keep his car... when you find out your sister beats your son and then squat his hands in the car door yourself but don't have time to see if he's ok... when you have two ear infections and for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, you're on the phones, but can't get a doctor's appointment for a week - even though you've had this infection for a month now and the dr appt you had a month ago was rescheduled to a time you couldn't make it but you weren't informed until you arrived for the appt - the emergency room is overflowing and you don't have an MCP card... when your boyfriend is a jealous boy - you the flirt, he wants head, you don't give it... you can see yourself on financial ruin, less than a year after being discharged from bankruptcy, because OTHER PEOPLE use you as an ABM machine but never give back... when your roommate is starting to become more and more of a complete BITCH everyday...
I try... I really try to look at the bright side, but.. what is it? At least I have a good job... that doesn't pay me... At least I have my health -.. or do I?... At least I can eat - no wait, I have no money for that either...
At least my sister will get her computer for xmas.. and Sebastian gets his train set.. I'm content. I don't want anything for xmas.. I hate getting presents.. they're never what I want.. mainly because there IS nothing I want. Money can't buy happiness. Material possessions do nothing for me. As long as I can afford rent, have clothes to wear, a way to work.. what more can I ask for? I guess there's a lot I could ask for, but what more do I need? Food.. ok, I'll scratch by with that.. but really.. If I have nothing else I'm still perfectly happy.
Yes, I enjoy my simple luxories like a computer and the internet... but I can live without it.

Sneaksky hobbitses
Now Playing: Motley Crue - Afraid
Am I doing everything wrong, or is everything wrong doing me? Again I've come to the point where I sit up and think "What the fuck?"
Barry. Through my sneaksky hobbitses ways... There was more between him and mittenz than he ever implied to me. And right now, I wish I had never kissed the boy. I want to go back before it all started and stop it. I have a major problem with his parents and what no one seems to understand is that it won't go away. No matter what they say to me, what he says to them, it won't go away. They just don't get it. I was in this situation before and it all ended badly. I don't want to be in that situation again.
Now, I do love Barry, and I can't just toss him away like I did with the others, but at the same time, I can see this problem will not go away. I avoid such problems. I can't stay with him, but I can't leave him.
I was discussing this problem with a coworker yesterday. He pat my shoulder and said "Don't worry flash, you'll find someone"
This is where I say "What the fuck?". I don't want anyone. Why can't anyone understand that? I never wanted anyone. I like being alone. Why does everyone seem to think that everyone wants to be with someone, everyone wants to be loved, everyone NEEDS someone else? I don't. Call me a freak, say I'm a liar, but I seriously don't need anyone, and am much happier when I'm single. When I'm single I have a lot less shit to put up with. The benifits of being single outweigh those of being part of a couple. Why did I ever agree to go out with Barry?
Nothing against the boy (and he is only a boy), but I want to be single. There's more than one reason I won't get married...
People used to tell me "You say that now because you're young" and in fact, they still do, when I say I don't want to get married. They don't understand that 1) I'm not religious - marriage is religious, 2) I enjoy being single and fear commitment 3) I can't be with one person for a long time.
This is not to say that I'm a slut and need to get around. Far from it. I just can't stand to 'be' with someone for very long without finding a flaw that drives me nutty to the point of breaking up with them. I'd rather just have a bunch of friends, or rather, aquaintances. There's a lack of friends in my life. I like to stay that way as well. If I had real friends, they would be reading this. I like to keep people far away from me. I'm not afraid of people, I'm not afraid of myself. I just don't work well with others. I start to hate people really easily if I talk to them too much. Why? Because they're human and inheritly flawed. Yes, I admit that I'm flawed too, but I've lived with myself my entire life, and those things that I couldn't stand I've changed. I can't ask someone else to change for me, I can only ask me to change for me. And so I do. Thus, in my view, I'm near perfect to me. I'm far from perfect, but in what I want to be, I'm near perfect. Let's not mistake loving one's self for egotism here. Perfect to me, not perfect. I hate perfection - because nothing is perfect. But things can be perfect to me, or for me.



On a totally unrelated note...
I'm rather annoyed by the fact that most people don't see me as smart as I am when they meet me. In fact, most people don't really know me. That's fine and dandy, but they think I'm something I'm not. They assume too much and ask too little. People annoy me.

that was the happiest day of my life...
Now Playing: Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
Topic: It's all good
I'm happy. I'm extremely happy. This is great. Why? Well, no particular reason, I guess.
My ultimate goal when I was living with my parents was to become completely indepenant from them. I have since become such. This makes me extremely happy.
While I would be just as happy not in a relationship, I've found someone that doesn't annoy the fuck out of me by trying to be smarter than me, nor being a complete moron. He's a smart boy, smart enough to not try to show me up.
One of the few things that continue to annoy me right now is my roommate. Fortunately I'm moving away from her. Far, far away. I'll be living alone. I think I'm better off that way. I'm a loner, a hermit, a free spirit. I don't work well with others in general. I need to be alone.
This is possibly one of the many reasons realtionships and commitment scare me. I need to be alone. I've always been this way. Anything else is, prehaps, scary.
Maybe I'm afraid of what I'm not used to. Sure, I've had about 20 realtionships (including men and women) and I'm used to being loved... but not used to loving? I'm used to being the outcast, the mocked, the kid that everyone picked on. When given the chance to be with someone, to be loved and admired, I jumped at it.. 20 times.. but I never wanted to keep it. It's unfamiliar. A good but strange feeling that I could not live with. Who knows?
The point is.. I honest and truly perfer to be alone than with people. In my poor little mind, it's the way I have always been. The only daughter for seven years, the social outcast for 18... hell, even in sports.. the goalie. Always alone. Always better off that way. I can be in social situations for short times... but as I've told many people, I -have- to go antisocial every so often.
Is this normal? Is this even sane? I don't really care either way. It makes me happy. That's all I need. I don't need 'things' or people. I just need myself. I'm happy with myself right now. And thus I'm happy. I've always liked my own company.
People who can't stand to be alone are the real sociopaths. They must hate themselves. I mean, what are they afraid of? Someone is going to jump out and stab you? Well, if you're completely alone, no one else is there to do such things.
I really don't understand people who are so afraid to be alone. The one person that's always been there for me, the one person I could always trust, the one person I can commit to and truly love.. is me. I've known me my entire life and thus I know me best.
This all sounds very selfish, I'm sure. But it's not really. If I were to say the only person I care about, the only person I worry about, etc is me.. that would be selfish. But I didn't say that. I said I can trust me. Selfishness is caring only about one's self. I haven't even said I cared up to this point. Love, yes, but cared about? Of course I care about myself, but I care about others more. I care what happens to others more. If one person out of ten is going to get told off for something no one did, I would rather it be me than the others. I stand up for people. I know that I can take things better than most people, and so I do.
This is not to say, however, that I would give up my life for 100000 people to live. I wouldn't. This is the one part where I fully admit to being selfishly human. If given the choice to live and have 100000 people killed because of it, or to die and save those same 100000 people, I would rather live. Does this make me a horrible person? No, this makes me normal. This also makes me more honest than most. A lot of people would like to say they'd give up their lives for the greater good, but how many honestly would? Not as many as you would think.
Now, back to the original point of all of this... my significant other. The reason I'm still with him for after nearly a month... is because he doesn't threaten my individuality. Others I've been with have never understood my need to be alone, my need to be myself and with myself. I very much doubt that he understands either, but right now he doesn't have time to be with me all the time. This is good. He doesn't challenge my views or the way I do things. He doesn't always back down and he doesn't always push back.
Most people want someone that always backs down. I can't stand it. There's no personality, no individualism. They are no one. And for the first time in my life, he makes me jealous. I can't believe it, but he does. I'm extremely possesive of him. I've never had this problem. I never really cared with anyone else. If they were cheating I could ditch them with no regrets, if they were getting hit on I could laugh it off, with no threats. But I'm afraid to lose him. I'm not afraid of losing anything but him. The one thing I would be upset over if I lost. Odd, isn't it? The person that hates people, realtionships, trust, commitment.. could only be upset by the loss of such a thing. Oh the irony.
Anyway, enough rambling for today. I've got to go make some purchases. Until another day...

Humans lack sense
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get Retarded
Topic: Observing humans
Materialism
I don't get it. What's so great about ... stuff? If every possession of mine was taken away from me as of right now, and I could never reobtain said objects, I wouldn't really care. This is how I moved out so easily. I left half my stuff at my parents' house. And it's probably broken or given away by now. So why is it that others would be horribly upset by the loss of their stuff?
I'm not talking about the kind of 'the house burned down, but at least we escape with our lives.. oh no, the pictures..' I wouldn't be upset by the pictures. I'm talkin, if everything you owned was taken from you. No fire or escaping with your lives... it was just all taken by the evil repo man for no apparent reason.

Shallowness
Why are people so stuck up on something I never considered an issue? Something I could never really understand... I'm ignorant to appearance. Extremely. I don't understand why, I just am. I find assholes ugly, no matter how 'hot' they are, and nice people cute/sexy, dispite physical imperfections. Why isn't everyone else like this?
I don't understand what's so great about physical apperance. I -really- don't.
Relationshipwise, sure he/she might look good, but who cares what they look like if they beat you or treat you like shit? Or even have the iq of a turnip? Wouldn't you rather someone you can spend time with without going mental from lack of intelligable conversation? *sigh*
Politically, I'd rather someone that knew what they were at than a supermodel. Sure this guy has the wrinkly old face of a prune and sounds like a retard when he talks, but at least he can run a damn country! At least that fat four-eyed chic in admin can run the business!
I don't understand people. I really don't.

Cheating
Why in the hell would anyone ever cheat on someone else? If you want to be with someone else, BE with someone else. You don't have to go behind someone else's back to do it. The common excuses...
It's more exciting.. so is banging in a public place where you could get caught, but I don't see you doing that, now do I?
I want multiple partners... Join a swingers club ya dirty whore/manwhore.
I don't want to hurt their feelings by breaking up with them... what are you retarded? Oh, breaking up with them will hurt their feelings, but cheating on them won't?
I'm using them... well I hope karma gets back at you :-) you self-absorbed bitch/ass.

Selfless act
I've been told that there is no such thing as a selfless act. I beg to differ. How can one be so cynical? I mean, sure the human race is a waste of space in general, but there are some out there that excel above others and are willing to do things without physical or emotional gain to themselves.
You've never done something you really didn't want to do? I'm not talking about things to avoid guilt either. I'm not talking about giving things to people to feel good about yourself.
I've done things for people I absolutely hate. Things that there was no need for me to do. Things that I would have felt better not doing. Why? To fit in? No, why would I want to fit in with people I hate? To make myself feel good about doing something for someone? No, I told you, I would have felt better not doing it. For that little 'thank you' I get? Ha! I rarely get thanked for things that count. So why I did I do it? I don't know, it defies logic. But I did.

If it's human nature to be materialistic, shallow, self-absorbed jerks... I'll take being called 'inhumane' as a compliment.