|| Blog -n- Stuff ||

Welcome || Warning

Alright, before you go looking around, I have something to say. For one, if I know you offline, please DO NOT ask me about the content of my blog--those are my feelings at the time I have them, that doesn't mean I spend all my days with those thoughts buzzing around my head. And for those I know online, you may ask about anything you want AT YOUR OWN RISK. I'm touchy about certain things and you might get your head bitten off--you've been warned.

July 3, 2004

Five A.M. in one horrid hour to wake! Mom got me up then so we could leave early and have it relatively cool when we got to Iron. Needless to say, it wasn’t all that cool when we got here at nine. But it’s all right; the waking up early will be worth it when we get to light off fireworks tomorrow. And it’s not like I can’t be in a car for three hours with my Mom, we joked around the whole way here and fought over what CD we were going to listen to.

I decided to be daring today. My shirt, although it’s amazingly cute, is rather –erm- revealing to say the least. It’s light blue, and see-though, v-necked, and low cut and the straps like never stay where they’re supposed to. But it’s ok.

Rereading my other entries scares me. I can’t believe I sink into such a depressed state, especially when I have nothing to be depressed about. I’ve a family that loves me, friends that care, teachers and elder friends that want to help me, a roof over my head and all that stuff. I mean, there are so many people out there that haven’t had the advantages I’ve had, and they’ve made it just fine, but something ever so small happens to me and ‘Call the guards!’ I really need to stop being so dramatic.

Anyway. On the subject of Kz, things are going well. Four opinions have come in, and all of them are positive. If we get just one more, she’s in! I hope that good news comes of this vote, because I fear that she won’t take things too well if something bad happens.

July 2, 2004

I think that I’m going to give up being a High. I can’t do it any more. But I’m not sure yet. I don’t know what it is about me, but all of this goes to heart and it hurts me. But maybe that’s just a sacrifice I’m supposed to make.

I know now that whatever aspirations of leadership I had, we’re pointless. Me, a leader? I must have been nuts. Perhaps if I didn’t connect everything with myself, everything would have been ok. But eh. I only hope that this doesn’t cause a commotion with everyone.

I suppose that the reason why I’ve decided all this, and the reason why I’m crying as I type, is that I’ve realized this is all fake. That in the ‘real world’ none of this is going to help anyone, no matter how much I want it to. I hate the fact that everything that’s good can’t last, that there can’t be just one simple thing in this world that people can hold onto without questioning it. Some small bit of hope to drive people forward.

This must all be some cruel joke, to make us love and hate, and want to do something to help others. I pray that there is something after death for the good souls that are able to do something to get past all the doubts and all the corruption. It must be a tough fight.

As for me, I’m not sure what there is to live for. Love is fickle and going to end anyway. Money fluctuates and only serves as something to gloat about. Loathing only makes situations worse than they should be. So if you can’t live on the good side of things, or the bad side, or even the unsure-materialistic side, what else is there? Death? That’s a contradiction if I ever saw one, living to die.

I’d try guilt, but I’ve enough of that already.

June 26, 2004

Its days like these that make my question humanity, my humanity. We were sitting at lunch, Kristy, Richard, and I, and Kristy was messing with Richard’s cell phone. Now, those two are dating, so just about anything the other does is ok. Richard was going out to get a soda or something, and Kristy grinned and said “I’m going to call you” we all snickered, and Richard said, “No, that sounds like something Crys would do.” But I had to correct him, because I’d be the one to try and call myself. He stared at me blankly and muttered in Kristy’s ear, got up and left. After he was well out of earshot, I inquired about his mutterings. He bluntly told her, “If you acted like her, we’d be threw.” And she didn’t even defend me. But that didn’t bother me, because I was almost sure that he was joking… almost. Then, after I got back to class, I started to think about it and now, I’m not so sure that I want to be around him any more. He’s always making rude remarks to e or flirting. Either way, that’s totally disrespectful to Kristy, I’m one of her best friends, after all. I would ask her about all this, but she’s so infatuated with him, she’d think I was trying to break them up.

Oh well.

And here’s another thing, but about my online friends. I think I get on their nerves. I’m so happy around them, and I’m completely hyper. I’ve tried to cool down, but I just can’t. Anyway, today I told them that I was leaving, that I was going to finish working on my story, and that I wasn’t going to be on until late tomorrow because I’m going to a friend’s house. The whole lot of them ignored me completely. Sometimes I wonder why they put up with me, why they don’t just tell me to leave them the hell alone and get a life. I wish that they would, maybe then I’d get it through me head that I need to stop living in a fantasyland. But I don’t want to leave them, especially Bea. Bea’s the best guy I’ve ever met and I was so surprised and so thrilled that he liked me, now I question everything. I did a tarot reading the other night, and it scared the crap out of me. Basically it said that Bea and I weren’t going to last because I keep doubting everything. Then I did another reading and it calmed me down. But, not that I think about the quintessential card, I wonder if it meant that we’ve reached the end of our rope together; that we should let each other go. But I’m so not ready to! I love him so much.

Maybe, perhaps, I’ll end it, and make everyone happy, and leave.

On a lighter note, before I drown in my tears, there’s this guy in my class that was also in AP English last year. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Everyone else in the class has merely been drifting along, but now, I think he’s an intellectual equivalent of mine. Maybe we’ll get paired up some time, that’d be awesome. You know, I believe the type of guys I like are the smart ones. Like Bea, he’s incredibly intelligent. Oh, and longhair. Gawd I love long hair. Like that guy from Sultana’s mock trail… brains and long, gorgeous, dark hair.

Let’s see… some other happy thing. Oh! I got my appetite back, I think. And the second chapter of Lima Bean is going good. It’ll be longer than the first chapter I think.

Oh, and my latest task: Make a list of problems about myself, including ditziness, ignorance, procrastinating tendencies, complete appearance, attitude, interests, my constant giggles, obsessions, laziness, ability to cry over everything and many more, and write a formal letter to myself about changing all of said complaints. Man I’ve got my work cut out for me.