Chance

Wednesday, 10 September 2003

Weakness
I had a class today. Ok, so I'll admit it here, I guess. I didn't go to it. It was the first day of this class, but I have a lot of things to get done today and I thought, wouldn't it be so much easier if I just missed this class? I convinced myself that all the teacher would talk about is the "requirements" to reach whatever letter grade and that I wasn't gonna miss anything. Except this time, although I still slipped up, I knew the truth. Missing any class for any reason will just kill my GPA right now and any chance I have of making it out of Brookdale in a reasonable amount of years. So I regret that I skipped.

And I almost, almost started to think things like, "god I look horrible" again. Almost. I stopped myself, somehow while I wondered around Brookdale campus to wait for my friend so I can get the book I need from her. I felt alone, bored, and had those annoying parinoid feelings of gee, everyone is looking at me and they're thinking things like man her hair looks horrible, or dude she's ugly. That's things that use to fall into head every five minutes if not more some days. Never again.

I vow never again.

Posted by realm3/chance at 4:22 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 11 September 2003 1:16 AM EDT
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First Time

It's been the first time, in a long time that I can remember when I was happy. I am a 19 year old girl who has had so many problems you wouldn't believe me. You'd look at this middle class, petite "innocent" you-don't-look-19 face and swear I was makin it up. For a while, maybe I was hoping I was...

...but it's at that point where you face reality, where you stop denying the things that are happening in your life, where you admit to the thoughts or feelings that are going through you; it's at that point that you can live. Or at least start to.

It's been so long since I've felt or known anything but depression, and yet it really wasn't that long ago when I was in middle school and depression hadn't set in yet. Once it grips into you, it's hard to pry it away from your eyes. So many parents say that every child now claims depression, and well, not so many can be depressed so they all must be makin it up, right? To me, the fact that I see so many teenagers so unhappy for whatever reason, that makes me stare and ask how can you not see something is wrong here?

I know what a kid can go through, I'm not over it yet. I am going to be ok, eventually. Right now, I'm doing pretty good and have hope for a future where I don't even think of depression as a problem. I have a job I really like now; one that appreciates me. I have taken a class at college and I got a B. I have kissed a guy. Yes, I know it's hard to believe but until recently I've never kissed a guy! Guys don't hit on me that often. I'm not terribly ugly, either, don't get me wrong. I refuse to think anything about myself in a way that presumes there's something wrong with me, because there isn't and I don't give a fuck about what society believes I should be like. I'm done hating myself. I kissed a guy, and he was 21 and really hot! And in the Navy! I couldn't believe he was interested in me, to be honest, but I knew that I was gonna kiss him. He was gonna be it. (Too bad the loser ended up being married.)

I have a dog. We just got him last weekend. My mom hates pets so this is a miracle. My friends wouldn't believe me I was gettin one, but it's true. A Britany (britany spaniel) name Chance.

Ah -- and that's where I came up with that, huh? Chance was named by my father who also bought him. He took a chance that he would have time and be able to have a dog, and "Chance" represents this time in my life, right now this night that I started writting...

...because I realized that I have the chance to become everything I ever wanted to and do anything I ever dreamed of, despite the mistakes of a stupid kid, now that I can think like the normal girl I was before all this interrupted me.

Posted by realm3/chance at 12:30 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 10 September 2003 4:18 PM EDT
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