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Random #1 . . .
Jackass
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
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Random #2 . . .
E-mail Errors
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a Quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
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Random #3 . . .
20 Responses To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.*
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.*
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.***
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.***
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.*
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.*
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.*
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."*
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
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Random #4 . . .
50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.*
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.*
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.*
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.***
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.**
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.*
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.*
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.*
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.*****(NOW THIS WOULD BE FUN!!!)
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought the customer was always right!"
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.**
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.***(HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THIS SOMEWHERE!! LOL)
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."*
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.***
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"*(I feel like doing this at work sometimes.)
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."*
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)*
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.*****
33. Take bets on the battle from above.*****
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.*
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.***
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.***
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.*
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.*
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.*
42. Two words: Marco Polo.*
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.***
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.*(Had to do this at Kroger when my car didn't start one day-not so funny at the time.)
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."*
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.*
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS*
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out.
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.
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Random #5 . . .
On Air Force One
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Random #6 . . .
You know you live in the year 2005 when...
1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) the real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the tv.
6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
(8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) and.. you were to busy to notice number 5 is missing.
10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5
11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity
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Random # 7...
Airplane
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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Random # 8...
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
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Random #9...
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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Random # 10 ...
Top 10 things NOT to say to a cop when he pulls you over
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
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Random # 11...
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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Random # 12...
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
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Random #13...
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* :) More to come...
PS: the ones with the " * " next to them were my favorites and/or are things I have actually DONE...ha ha. Wanna know what i've done-just ask me. Sorry if me saying this at the end makes u have to re-read some of it. But it's funny, so that's good. :)
