Hi! I'm Brock Lesnar. Huge WWE star. Really huge. The Next Big Thing, in fact. I'd love to elaborate about how much I rule, but Vince called me here to work out a few kinks in my current contract. Oh, what's that, Vince? A no-compete clause that doesn't expire until 2010? Meh, that's no big deal. I'm the NEXT BIG THING for God's sakes. I'm not goin' anywhere unless it's to the top! Of course I'll sign it.
On second thought I've changed my mind. Maybe wrestling isn't for me. I mean, now that I've plowed through half the roster, become the youngest World Champion in WWE history since the Rock, and bought myself a shiny new personal jet, I figure there's really not much left to accomplish. On the other hand, my REAL dream in life, even though I really haven't done it since high school, has always been to play FOOTBALL. Yeah, professional football! I'm sure there's gotta be some team in the NFL just chomping at the bit to get a hold of a guy my size... it shouldn't matter that I haven't actually played the game in over 7 years. Right?
Sayonara suckers! I just got picked up by the Minnesota Vikings. w00t. Well Vince, it's been nice, but I'm leaving after Wrestlemania in less than two weeks. I know you had big plans for me, and my abrupt departure will more or less throw the entire show into utter chaos and such, but I'm sure you'll manage. Ta ta!
Well I'm officially out of the wrestling business, and thank God. It was way too damn easy, and too damn fake. I need a REAL challenge. So, that part of my life is over. The hell with wrestling! Piss on WWE. What's that, kid? You want me to autograph a wrestling photo? FUCK that. I said that part of my life is OVER. Besides, you probably just wanna put that on eBay. Screw you, wrestling, wrestling fans, and wrestlers. Harumph.
Training camp has begun! Lookit! I catch the ball!!!!!
Damn... this is harder than I thought... and my teammates don't seem to like me too much. Like, this dude actually SHOVED me earlier when I tried to tell him what to do. Doesn't he know who the hell I am?????
*pant... gasp... pant* I'm coming, be patient already! Jesus, carrying the water for the rest of the team is a lot harder than it looks! Coach says if I do a good job I might get to play one of these days!
Well, the season's over. We didn't make it to the Superbowl. And, these ignorant bastards aren't gonna resign me, either! They have no idea the mistake they're making. Well, fine then. I'm sure Vince'll be THRILLED to have me back!
OMFG. I've tried to call WWE headquarters like 24789324753958987 times and I can't get past Vince's SECRETARY!!!!!.... Screw them, I'll just contact TNA! Or Japan!
*SQUEAK* SHIT! That no-compete clause! I can't wrestle for another wrestling company for FIVE MORE YEARS!!!!! OMFGWTFBBQ. I'll be in the poorhouse by then! I won't be able to put gas in my jet!!!!! THE HORROR!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!
*ROAR* Damn Vince straight to the 9th layer of HELL. I told him I wanted to come back and be slammed right into the main event and be the champ again, and he said NO!!!!! Is the man on DRUGS????? Imagine the ratings that my huge comeback would get. This is ridiculous. And what's worse, he's preventing me from making a living!!!!!!! I need that 7-figure contract, NOW. I know... I'LL SUE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! I'll sue his ass right into f'ing WELFARE. Because everybody knows that suing somebody is the best way to make them hire you back on good terms.
Well why not sweetie, it worked for me. And don't worry so much babe, if you can't find a good job, I'm sure I can pull in more than enough money for us... through honest, legal, moral means, of course.
You're right honey. And hey, if worse comes to worse, we can always make our own movie like Sean and Joanie did!!!!! Everything's gonna work out just fine afterall.