How quickly the tides turn...
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Sonata Quasi Una Fantasia (Moonlight Sonata)
Topic: School
Okay, so today went real sour real fast.

I kinda got emotionally lynched shortly before coming home.

Was walking with Brad and Casey up to Brad's car so..*sighs deeply*..she could take him over to driver's ed. On the way up, Casey accidentally referred to Brad as a she. For those of you who DON'T know, Brad considers herself a boy in every way except anatomically. She's saving up for the change.

But anywho, she corrected him. Then he noticed that she hadn't corrected him before, and she just said that his grace period for getting used to it was over. I commented on how it surprised me that I wasn't getting yelled at anymore.

Brad's first response wasn't that painful, it was the one that came a few seconds later that really hurt.

The first response was "That's because I've given up on you ever treating me the way I want you to."

I kinda sputtered that I wasn't trying to do that, it wasn't my motive, etc. I honestly don't remember what Casey said next, I was so busy trying to hide the "ow...."

Then came the salty lemon juice. I honestly don't remember the exact wording, because at that point I was fighting hard to keep composure. It was essentially something along the lines of "I consider you (Casey) a good enough friend that I expect you to comply." Essentially, I am no longer a good friend because I refuse to conform to her rules.

My personality is an uber-high S. Y'know, touchy, feely, and sensitive. S's base their entire world on loyalty. Everything we do, say, think, etc, is based off of loyalty.

Imagine for a second.. and it won't be hard, most of you reading this are also S.. how painful it is when those we are loyal to sever that loyalty. Now add to the mix the REASON why said person severed the loyalty.

Because my integrity and loyalty to my faith and beliefs is causing pain to those I care about.

I honestly want to go out into the utter middle of nowhere, collapse to my knees, and just scream.

The next-best thing would be to collapse in someone's arms and just be reassured that not everything I do goes horribly wrong, but that won't happen either.

For now, I'm resigned to the fact that my beliefs simply cannot happily co-exist with that which defies them. One of them is going to have to submit.. and one of them is already guaranteed to lose.

Now I know how Moses felt..

Good Tasha or bad Tasha..?
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Hikaru Utada - Colors
Topic: School
Yah, so Meep and Casey are pretty much a thing now. Anna kinda screwed with my head, which leaked out into them wondering why I was freaking out so much over the thought of them kissing.

As I've come to realize, I use over-reacting as a defense mechanism. If I over-react, they think I'm just being a spaz and that I'll get over it. That nothing's wrong.

When I finally got an excuse to get out of there and to go think by myself, I went out and sat on one of the large rocks at the bus-waiting area, curled up in a ball.

Of course, when I left (as per the custom in our group) they both wanted a hug. I made a joke about doing a dual-hug (they were cuddling on the couch) and kinda lamely half-hugged them. When I stood up, Casey was like, "Ow, I'm shunned! What kind of a hug was that?"

I made one of the stupidest mistakes ever. I just gave a lame apology and walked off with Anna.

Both thankfully and unthankfully, tomorrow is Advising Day AKA no school. But it's gonna torture Meep the entire time until she sees me on Thursday. I hate doing that to her, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't think straight anymore and the longer I stayed, the more I was gonna hurt both of them..

When I see her again, I'll have to make it abundantly clear that I have issues and it's absolutely nothing against either of them. Honestly, I'm glad they're happy. That's exactly what hurts.

It reminds me that I have never, nor will I ever for a long time, have that kind of happiness. I've only fallen in love three times.. one of them never cared and actually came to me to talk about the girl he was in love with (and now is acting like kind of an immature jerk..), the second one ended up being a perverted jerk, and the third one.. is actually for once not a jerk.

But I have not had a chance with any of them, not even the crushes. The last two I physically had/have no chance with (curse you, internet), and the first one I just.. had no chance.

It just kills me when I get weirded out and make people worry about me, then I can't explain to them why I spazzed. It's moments like this when I wanna withdraw into myself again and (obviously) pretend that everything's okay.

But that leads me to my second reason for writing this, which is actually not whiny. On the contrary, it's uber-sappy. People obsessed with sap, be happy. People who hate sap.. you suck. XD

If I could just have one thing for Christmas, it'd be that Gabe wouldn't be haunted by Ashi's memory anymore.. And that wish doesn't have any selfish motives, even by a long shot. I just want him to not be sad anymore.

And for everyone who's going, "Geez, she's angsty AGAIN!" ...lemme tell you something.

#1, I thrive off of angst. I write angst stories, I read angst stories, I love angst movies/songs. Deal. XD

#2, I dump everything that's wrong with me into this so I don't have it floating around my head. There's a LOT of cool, happy stuff that happens every day that doesn't get mentioned in here. You have to actually talk to me to get that stuff, so nyah. :P

Now that I'm done with that, there is a happy note. Meridan/Jailbait came up when I was "thinking" on the rock and started telling me about how he doesn't get to see his girlfriend until the 11th, and his mom wouldn't let him go up there tomorrow. Long-distance relationship.

He ended with jokingly pouting and saying, "I'm just gonna sit here and be depressed."

I agreed with him, then joked about making a club. He had to go at that point 'cause his bus came, but he gave me a hug and ran off.

I dunno what he did, but that made me feel a lot better. Maybe it was just getting some contact with someone who knew the situation but was kinda.. outside it, y'know? Or maybe it was the fact that I'm not the only one having that problem. Either way, Meridan's a life-saver. ^^

So now that I've got less crap on my mind and I'm cheered up a little, I'mma go mess around on YTMND. :P Cake's probably gonna tell me to make more happy posts, which I may do. I hate depressing people through them reading my crap.

Oh, and about the "Good Tasha or bad Tasha", ask me and be prepared to yell at me for even thinking about the bad one. In my defense, I don't feel the urge as strongly anymore. ^^

Ja, minna-chan!

Blargh.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nothing.. T_T
Topic: School
Yah, so Meep and Casey like each other. I don't even know what to think about that. I wish I could warn Meep not to do anything, but I have no reason. Casey's an awesome guy. A creepifying amount like Gabe, but I digress.

That doesn't help the growing confrontation... -__- Dangit, I'm gonna make Meep say something just to get it OVER WITH. Oy.

But anywho, aside from that everything's good. Got to talk to Gabe, came to a realization about Yoda's most famous quote. But I'm still at school so I'm not ranting about that now.

Just felt like updating this thing before Cake started yelling at me. XD Ja, minna!

Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Whatever's playing on the radio in XP class. ^_^
Topic: School
Hey, Cake finally bugged me to update my blog. I suppose it's about time, I've been slacking.

School is good, it's just eating my very soul. XD Jameson's two classes rock in that I get to learn the guts and innards of computers, Benson's class is fun because the computers in that classroom have Photoshop 7, and Staci's class is cool 'cause.. it's personality profiling. W00t!

The only down-side is that Jameson's classes require serious and massive studying just to get a good grade on the tests. Alas, this is rather difficult when MY PC HARDWARE BOOK IS STILL NOT HERE!! *Sigh* Oh, well. I've got Brad's book. :ninja:

There really isn't much else going on. Dad got a new laptop (technically from work.. WHAT?! I didn't see him playing SWG with it! ^_^*) that I am very much in love with. Dell Dimension XPS, the thing's gorgeous. And he's got it permanently docked at a 20-SOMETHING INCH FLAT-SCREEN MONITOR! I swear that thing's as large as the kid's computer..

Sadly, he forbids me to touch it. ..Okay, he said I MIGHT be able to use it if I don't take it anywhere, and just leave it there. Honestly, I am perfectly happy to sit there at the desk and revel in the glory that is... Star Wars Galaxies on a larger-than-21-inches flat-screen monitor with an ATI 9800 Radeon graphics card.

Um.. don't think there's much else, just the usual. Oh, except that I'm working on making pretty web layouts in Photoshop. But most people already know that. ^^

Life is good, school is fun, Ninja-Morph rocks. ...Card game Brad and I created when we got bored. Think rummy but with more stealing and "...I hate you"s. ^_^

Okies, gotta run now. XP's over. Side-note, I love my Gabby-chan! :P

Growing up kinda sucks..
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five
Topic: School
It's the strangest feeling ever.. in my eyes, I only have half an hour of childhood left.

My last year of school starts tomorrow, marking the end of my fun. ..Well.. in a poetic way. School in itself is fun, especially the free hang-out time. ^.^

But this is my last year of school. Officially. I have tossed around thoughts of going to a language school/college to get my bachelor's, but that's a few years down the road. Right now, I'm beginning my last year of high school and college, and my last year before everything changes. Drastically.

It's amazing how a simple trip to another country for one year can loom over one's head.

I hate being conflicted. On one hand, I'm dying to get to Japan. It's just kinda.. where I belong. On the other hand, I don't wanna belong by myself. At first, I won't know anyone over there except for the family I'm staying with.

Thankfully, they're cool. But they're still not my family.

Geez, culture shock isn't supposed to happen before I even freakin' get in the other culture!

..I'm gonna make it a point to cherish this one year I have left, to really get to know people. I will make it count, and more than just getting the piece of paper that says I know something.

I will get a job, I will get a car (hopefully Byron's.. >> << >>), I will cherish my short-lived freedom at a place I know and understand, and I will grow close to someone.

..It's hard being a 16-year-old who's expected to function as a full adult. I wish I'd listened to all those people who said to cherish my childhood. If only they could see now how very right they are.

Honestly, for only having experienced 16 years of it.. in my eyes, I've had a full life. Granted, what happened for five years of it wouldn't matter to anyone but a very small few. But those five years did and always will mean the world to me.

Okay, enough being philisophical and dreamy. I've gotta get to bed so I can get to the solid stuff of school.

..Strangely enough, it helps to know that I haven't been a child for a very long time. ^^ I'm just now required to prove it.