Blargh.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nothing.. T_T
Topic: School
Yah, so Meep and Casey like each other. I don't even know what to think about that. I wish I could warn Meep not to do anything, but I have no reason. Casey's an awesome guy. A creepifying amount like Gabe, but I digress.

That doesn't help the growing confrontation... -__- Dangit, I'm gonna make Meep say something just to get it OVER WITH. Oy.

But anywho, aside from that everything's good. Got to talk to Gabe, came to a realization about Yoda's most famous quote. But I'm still at school so I'm not ranting about that now.

Just felt like updating this thing before Cake started yelling at me. XD Ja, minna!

I'm...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Engel - Rammstein
...Gonna have a cousin. Uncle John and Aunt Stacey were trying to have a kid for a while, and she finally got pregnant. But it has just now hit me that I'm gonna have a first cousin.

I've never had a first cousin. Only second, third, and fifteen-bajillion cousins. Wow.

Then again, think about how Dad must feel. He's gonna be Uncle Jim. XD

Anywho, on to stuff. Stuff is.. weird. First it's all okay, then it's kinda discouraging, then it's feeling better.

I have GOT to start talking to people who can better read body-language. -_- First Mom cautions me because she thinks Byron likes me. Not even three days later, it becomes highly obvious that he likes Liz.

Now Brad is angsty because she has a huge crush on Casey and thinks Casey likes me. I, however, caught on to the fact that Casey likes Meep. His response: "...Am I really that obvious?" Which, by the way, does not help the eventual confrontation between Meep and Brad, which I'm going to have to prepare for now so I know what to do/say...

But alas! I'm beginning to think my intuitive body-language reading is better than everyone else's learned body-language reading.

But the really creepy thought is what if both of them like me AND this other person? >< Maaaa, I do not need more weirdness to deal with. It's getting more difficult to stay third-party and friends with everyone.. I'm gonna be an expert at it by the time I just get out of this freaking school. *Sigh*

I like our newly-formed group of Running Starters, though. Meep, Casey, Anna, and I. We're all 16, except Meep. She's 15. Don't ask me how a 15-year-old got into college, the thought still disturbs me.

Anywho, on to less-complicated matters.

Cake was funny yesterday: "Don't you think you're kinda obvious about it?" *Snickers* Ahh, good ol' Cake. ^.^

Now I gotta go please the court (when I say court, I mean children) and play DDR before I get working on homework. Bloody program and its expensive rareness... bloody classes with their need for massive studying. *Shakes fist at them all*

At least my communications class wants me to watch Antz so I can profile the characters. That's kinda cool. ^_^

Ja ne, minna-chan!

I'm deeply disappointed...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Simply Being Loved - DDR Extreme
See that mood up there? "Caffeinated"? I SHOULD BE CAFFEINATED RIGHT NOW. I finally found news of a local 7-11 that carries Bawls. Any self-respecting geek knows Bawls. And when I say local, I mean the bloody gas station's a 2-minute drive from school. *Does the happy-dance*

I bought two bottles at $1.49 a pop, and have downed about half a bottle. I SHOULD BE HYPER!! Oh, well..

Life is hectic. I'm LOVING the drama practice for Hallelujah Night, Joaquin is the most awesome drama person ever. Although Donovan is hilarious as the alligator-man. *Snicker*

Life is also getting complicated. Anna's come by school a couple times this week. Apparently, she's just as bitter about Byron as Brad is about "that evil ******* up in Kent". ...Well, okay.. not THAT bitter.

But it saddens me that she feels she can't hang with the youth group because of that, and it also kinda irritates me that she bashes him so much.

Then again, I don't know him as much as she does.

But perhaps I have a clearer view of how much it hurt him than she does.

I hate playing volleyball with myself sometimes. Especially now that I can tell I've changed lately. This old baggage and these habits get really heavy.

Dang you, Bawls! Make me hyper so I forget all this! ><;;

Hm..
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Enigma - not sure by who.. Rurouni Kenshin AMV
I feel very withdrawn today..

I wish I could just fade to the background. I feel that urge coming on again.. the urge to pull back and let everyone live their lives on their own. Of course, not literally. I very much so need the friendship of the people at school.

Sadly enough, I'm talking about MSN. -_-

And for the first time, I'm not angsty when I think about it. I'm not doing it because I thrive on emotional pain, I'm not doing it because I'm pretending to be a martyr.

I don't really know why I'm doing it. Maybe it's because it's easier to be lonely when I'm not trying to convince myself that people are supposed to be there for me.

Would they notice if I left? I stayed for only two reasons. Now both of those reasons are busy living their own lives with their own people. I've got to get out of the illusion that I really know them.

I've got to stop pretending this is C55, where our entire lives revolved around one little box of white space filled with words. I've got to pull away from the internet, where so many memories linger and constantly bring back the pain.

They'll never notice anyway.

....Okay, maybe I AM being angsty. But this is less "I didn't get enough sleep, fear my mood swings!" and more "...I give up."

Still, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to just.. not show up anymore. Who's gonna bring me back when only two people care, and neither of them notice?

Ami-chan.. not that you know/care, but I'm sorry I broke my promise.. I never did get around to forgiving myself for what I did.

Alright, there's my angst corner. Now it's out of my head and I can get back to reloading my OS. My computer oh-so-desperately needs a fresh start.

Eee..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Engel - Rammstein
It's official.. today was CRAP.

Got home from school, immediately went into my room, climbed into bed, and cried for about ten minutes. Laid there for another half hour enjoying the down-time before I finally got up to do homework.

It always scares me when I get this tired and out of it. I get.. hm.. masochistic, should I say?

Not that I would ever do any of it, but it's much easier to entertain thoughts of playing with sharp razor blades and making myself throw up so people will get off my back about not doing enough.

Of course, I know deep down that they still love me and care about me. But everyone has a day when their dark side emerges for a romp through their mental insecurities. ...That's a VERY accurate description of me today.

I guess to my psyche, a good night's sleep is so much better/more important than a week of vacation. Which reminds me, I NEED to get to bed now.

But I'll leave with a slightly more positive note. Staci got to the S's in the personality profiling class today, the category which I am uberly-high in. It's basically supportive, caring, the mushy-feely category. I'm even more uberly-high in the cautious, planning category, but that's not the point.

One thing she said about S's REALLY stuck out to me, and I've got to bury this deep in my mental thinking:
"S's expect all of us (the other three categories) to read between the lines, because that's just what they do. With everything we say, they read between the lines. ...Even if there's no lines to read between. So S's, remember that when we say something, that's what we mean."

That spoke SO much to me.. I needed to take this class several years ago. ^_^ Granted, these are generalizations about a personality pattern. Value systems, life experience, and oodles of other factors can effect the way we act, but still.. I need to remember what she said, that'll take care of almost all my problems right there. XD

And now, I need sleep so that I may ponder this with a clear mind tomorrow. And hopefully I WON'T come down with this cold. ><

Bleh..
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Again, radio.
Dangit, today SUCKS. I'm coming down with something, which royally bites when you're fasting, Brad's not even here today, I forgot breakfast and have no money, and now my bloody hard drive in XP class is fried.

DANG YOU, NOTEPAD!!!

That was the only program I had open, then it gave me the blue screen o' death. AGH! Well, class is over.. tomorrow I get to spend time re-installing XP Pro. *Le sigh*

Better head out and find someone to hang around, today's gonna suck if I have to be lonely on top of everything..

Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Whatever's playing on the radio in XP class. ^_^
Topic: School
Hey, Cake finally bugged me to update my blog. I suppose it's about time, I've been slacking.

School is good, it's just eating my very soul. XD Jameson's two classes rock in that I get to learn the guts and innards of computers, Benson's class is fun because the computers in that classroom have Photoshop 7, and Staci's class is cool 'cause.. it's personality profiling. W00t!

The only down-side is that Jameson's classes require serious and massive studying just to get a good grade on the tests. Alas, this is rather difficult when MY PC HARDWARE BOOK IS STILL NOT HERE!! *Sigh* Oh, well. I've got Brad's book. :ninja:

There really isn't much else going on. Dad got a new laptop (technically from work.. WHAT?! I didn't see him playing SWG with it! ^_^*) that I am very much in love with. Dell Dimension XPS, the thing's gorgeous. And he's got it permanently docked at a 20-SOMETHING INCH FLAT-SCREEN MONITOR! I swear that thing's as large as the kid's computer..

Sadly, he forbids me to touch it. ..Okay, he said I MIGHT be able to use it if I don't take it anywhere, and just leave it there. Honestly, I am perfectly happy to sit there at the desk and revel in the glory that is... Star Wars Galaxies on a larger-than-21-inches flat-screen monitor with an ATI 9800 Radeon graphics card.

Um.. don't think there's much else, just the usual. Oh, except that I'm working on making pretty web layouts in Photoshop. But most people already know that. ^^

Life is good, school is fun, Ninja-Morph rocks. ...Card game Brad and I created when we got bored. Think rummy but with more stealing and "...I hate you"s. ^_^

Okies, gotta run now. XP's over. Side-note, I love my Gabby-chan! :P

Grrrr..
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Nightmare - Lord of the Dance Soundtrack
Ugh! Mom was taking me to school today and when we got to the light, some guy we passed told us to roll down his window, then started lecturing about how it was a 35 zone, not 40 or 42.

By the way, Mom is very cautious about the speed she's going.

So she's just kinda "Yah, thanks.." and rolls up the window. Then later on, when we're going down the by-ways he turns his lights on. Oh joy, we just miffed a (supposedly) unmarked cop.

So he comes up and starts lecturing us again about speeding. Dad used to be a freakin' cop, Mom knows the procedure for these things. She asks for ID. He flips out a badge. Not picture ID, a badge.

Okay, so far his evidence of being an actual officer iiis.. lights and a badge, both of which can be bought off the street. The guy wasn't even in any kind of uniform! He looked like he was going to work in a freakin' office building.

I wish I knew more about cop procedure just to know if he was bogus or not. Alas, he lectured us and informed us the driver-side brake light was out. Then he left.

Then as we were driving away, Mom glances at me and says, "...His badge said immigration. He was SO far out of his jurisdiction."

At the time I was just like, "Whatever, he's a freak agent on a power trip.. or bogus."

Unfortunately, we didn't think to get his license plate number.

But this leads me to my next point, the one which conjurs a rage that needs to be calmed. When I got home from school, Mom mentioned that when she talked to Dad, Dad wondered if the guy had something else in mind until he saw me and all the kids.

The very THOUGHT of someone wanting to do ANYTHING to my mother makes my blood boil. I don't know if it's protectiveness of her, the baby, or both that enrages me so much, but it doesn't matter. The point is, it does.

"Federal agent" or not, no one is going to do anything to anyone in my family unless they have a VERY good reason. Like they've been a brutal ax murderer for years and have just now been found out. Which would.. y'know.. break me. But that's besides the point.

If anyone did/tried to do anything to someone in my family, it would be one of those situations where size and skill no longer matters. If you're trying to hurt them, I will do whatever I must to take you OUT, and pain no longer exists.

It's almost scary to think of me in that state. I have had nightmares about what would happen if I snapped like that.. thankfully, it takes a LOT to fully enrage me to that point. I've never even come close, despite a few minor offenses towards my siblings.

I get irritated and upset a lot, but never enraged to the point of snapping and giving over to "the dark side" of my psyche. Maybe a better term is my "Hyde".

Either way, I must now go watch the dancing chibi and play Deus Ex to release/calm the rage.

Edit: Oh, and I forgot this part.. on a slightly happier note, it does wonders to just know a situation. Got a Mech-Mail from Gabe saying he was grounded for a stupid reason, couldn't explain now, and would later.

Big surprise, ne? XD I'm just wondering what he did to tick Rob off so much that he's been grounded for almost two weeks. ._.;;;

Alas, now I just miss 'im. Which is much better than being irritated, I can deal with missing. ^^;; As long as he's not on another one of those grounding sprees that lasts a solid several months.. that would suck. o_o

Either way, I'm significantly calmer now. Ja, minna-san!

Yawn, yay, and ow! ..In that order.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: MUSIC, DUH! ...Um.. yah. Dunno, nothing in particular.
W00T, 3Y3 4M T3H 1337 S4US4G3 H4XX0R!! M33T MY B4BY CTHULHU! ...Okay, WAY too much talking to Fish and Teki.

Which leads me to my next point, SCHOOL IS EATING MY LIFE! Aside from tonight and a few minutes of yesterday, I don't remember much of anything except school. I suppose staying until 6PM twice a week'll do that to ya.

But tonight was uber-cool. Dad finally took me to that archery clinic thing, and I got to practice for an hour. It was so cute, there was this little boy like 5 or 6 next to me with a lil' kid-sized compound, it was SO KAWAII! ...Until I went to get my arrows and realized he was doing almost as well as I was.

The range wasn't big enough for everyone there, so we were sharing targets. But that's besides the point.

The archery range main dude was walking around giving tips, and he got me using the gap method to hit the target. Finally, on the third to last round I got two bulls-eyes.

Obviously, bulls-eyes rock. The sucky part is that where I was aiming and holding the bow and stuff, it pretty much guaranteed the string would catch my coat sleeve on the way back when I let go. The problem is, it didn't just catch the coat sleeve, which WAS pretty thin. I have about a three-inch welt on my inner arm now. Thankfully, it doesn't hurt. Yet.

I got some leather finger-guards, because my first three fingers were in PAIN by the time I was done. And I really don't want caluses. But ohhh, do I ever love archery. Mmm, archery.

Between archery, school, DDR, and SWG, I can deal with the fact that GABE HAS BEEN MISSING WITHOUT EXPLANATION FOR TWO WEEKS!! Deal with it without getting depressed or ticked, that is.

...Well, okay.. without getting depressed. I AM getting rather ticked, though.. >_> Which again brings around another series of conflicts and wonderings, which I refuse to go into.

I must now go play SWG to calm the quickly-rising anger. Ja, minna-chan.

o_O;
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Nothing, amazingly. XD
Y'know, I realized something today while playing SWG. I reeeaaally miss Gabe.

I've been doing amazingly well for not having seen him in a week and a half, on top of not hearing anything from him or John.

Still.. I hate competing with his life. :/

In other news, school started today. This is going to be the best. Quarter. EVAR! Jameson rocks. And since I'm feeling simple and to the point today, no rant. Expect me to make up for it tomorrow. XD