Growing up kinda sucks..
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five
Topic: School
It's the strangest feeling ever.. in my eyes, I only have half an hour of childhood left.

My last year of school starts tomorrow, marking the end of my fun. ..Well.. in a poetic way. School in itself is fun, especially the free hang-out time. ^.^

But this is my last year of school. Officially. I have tossed around thoughts of going to a language school/college to get my bachelor's, but that's a few years down the road. Right now, I'm beginning my last year of high school and college, and my last year before everything changes. Drastically.

It's amazing how a simple trip to another country for one year can loom over one's head.

I hate being conflicted. On one hand, I'm dying to get to Japan. It's just kinda.. where I belong. On the other hand, I don't wanna belong by myself. At first, I won't know anyone over there except for the family I'm staying with.

Thankfully, they're cool. But they're still not my family.

Geez, culture shock isn't supposed to happen before I even freakin' get in the other culture!

..I'm gonna make it a point to cherish this one year I have left, to really get to know people. I will make it count, and more than just getting the piece of paper that says I know something.

I will get a job, I will get a car (hopefully Byron's.. >> << >>), I will cherish my short-lived freedom at a place I know and understand, and I will grow close to someone.

..It's hard being a 16-year-old who's expected to function as a full adult. I wish I'd listened to all those people who said to cherish my childhood. If only they could see now how very right they are.

Honestly, for only having experienced 16 years of it.. in my eyes, I've had a full life. Granted, what happened for five years of it wouldn't matter to anyone but a very small few. But those five years did and always will mean the world to me.

Okay, enough being philisophical and dreamy. I've gotta get to bed so I can get to the solid stuff of school.

..Strangely enough, it helps to know that I haven't been a child for a very long time. ^^ I'm just now required to prove it.

Another little coolness. ^.^
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five & Diamonds - Gretchen
Wow, talk about nostalgia and rude awakenings. Cake was going through the archive on his blog, and found an entry from November of 2003, where he mentions me. Something about how I was depressed like a friend of his friend, and it was depressing him. ..I think.

At first, I was just like, ?..I was depressed??

Then I remembered when November of 2003 was. Two months after September. Only three people know what major event occurred in September, including the one who caused it..

But looking back, I was shocked to realize that I?m not that person anymore. I don?t know how I?ve grown, but I have. I was a little kid back then. I?ll admit, in a lot of ways I still am a kid. But hey, I?m only 16. The point is, I?m more adult than I was just a year ago.

Yah, I know everyone changes. ?It?s a natural occurrence that happens to everyone, what?s the big deal?!?, right?

I honestly don?t know why that struck me so hard. Maybe it means I went through a hardship, and I overcame it.

..But I doubt that?s it, I still have flashbacks. Painful ones. Even the ?happy? ones are painful.

Knowing me, I?d have to guess that it just stuns me to realize how many stages of me people have put up with. Especially Gabe..

But anywho, I always get that stunned silence when I realize how much people care about me.

You guys have put up with so much crap from me.. you know who you are. And I thank you deeply. Couldn?t survive myself without ya guys. ^^

...Wow, I can make a rant out of anything, can?t I? o_O Guess there?s never any lack of emotionally-charged reading material with me around, eh? ^_^;;;

Wow..
Mood:  special
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five
Today was pretty standard.. Jedi Starfighter, DDR, internet.

But it's amazing how much power one song can hold. Found this song.. *Points above* ..and now it's like suddenly everything's okay. Japan's so much farther away.. and so are all of my mistakes.

I guess I just needed a reminder to stop worrying about what'll happen in two years or what happened in years past, and pay attention to the here and now - whether it's good, bad, or just is.

Thankfully, there's more good than bad.

..Much more good. *Smiles*

Coming out of the shell hurts..
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Something About Us - Daft Punk
I'm feeling much better, just slightly bummed. It's like after years of being an anti-social and wanting people to leave me alone, I have discovered my niche. Realized I have a posse of people who are all weird in their own way, and they WANT to hang out with me. They don't care how weird I am, they wanna get to know me.

And I've realized this just in time to only have one year left...

Mom and I got talking about it, because it seems like everyone's scheduling things on the worst possible date. Byron wants to get a group of people to go see Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow on the 17th, Jen's scheduling a sleepover for the girls on the 17th, and Dad's gone on the 17th.

On top of Mom being due in three months.

She's not too thrilled about the idea of having the kids overnight by herself with no helper, but I think she's noticed how much I've been trying to be social lately. She said she'd think about it.

But there was something else she said, something I've somehow managed to miss. "Life will still continue after Japan. The people you want to hang out with will still be here, and then you'll be old enough to have more freedom."

I guess I'm scared of having changed so much that we'll no longer click, or that I won't have changed and they will. Or that they'll simply not be here anymore. Or that they'll be busy with others and have no time for me.

Honestly, I'm dying to get to Japan. It's where my heart has been for years, it's where I belong. Several people have already said I'm a Japanese in a white girl's body. Heh..

I'm just scared of missing an entire year of my best friend's lives. Or maybe I'm scared of missing THEM for an entire year. I never have dealt with change well, and going to/being in Japan is going to be the biggest change I've EVER gone through.

Either way, Mom's right. I'm.. particularly emotional at the moment.. *Cough, shifty glances* ..Sleep would do me well. I'll have plenty of time to mull it over anyway. I do still have a whole year left. B'sides, gotta get ready to concentrate on school.

I suppose on the plus side, I'm very "passionate" about my friendships. ^.^;

Bluh..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Missing - Evanescence
I feel like crap.

I'm in hibernation mode, fighting a cold. It almost hit me earlier, but dinner seemed to ward it off for now. I better be feeling good tomorrow, so help me if I have to miss the Bourne Supremacy with me posse. >_>

Unfortunately, when I get sick, my head gets.. wonky, for lack of a better term. It didn't help that HE went and ranted about.. oh, forget it. I'm on the brink of giving up and can't say anything. Oi..

On top of everything else, I feel very lonely here in my blog. I gave links, but I honestly don't know if it's ever read. Oh well, I suppose I always have myself. Maybe I can distract myself from thinking about it, lest this wonkiness turn into a funk. Lord knows I get into enough of those already..

I get tired of being emotionally unstable. Stupid rocky childhood.

.....This music is SO not helping.

*Le sigh*
Now Playing: DAFT PUNK, BABAY!
Well, BBQ's over. Dionna didn't really say anything, except for the "Hiya!" when I first got there. Honestly, I'm okay with that.

I understand why now.

We were "friends" at a young age, but we've grown in two drastically different directions. I chose the way of the nerd, the artist, at some times the way of the outcast.. the one who strives to be different and is proud of her weirdness.

She chose the way of fitting in. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, it's simply what she chose.

I realized this as I hung out with what I've come to call my posse. Elizabeth, Joyanna, Maria, and (recently) Byron. None of us are anywhere near "normal", which is good. I have somewhere I fit in, for the first time in a long time.

As long as we have our Speed and Gin. *Snickers* Ah, how we're obsessed with card games.

Quiz-time!
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Various DDR songs
Yah, I went on a quiz-spree today. However, it wasn't the typical quizzes. They were.. strange. But this has got to be the best quiz answer I've ever seen.


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.

Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for your home city.

Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.

Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as "Emperor".

The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what you had on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.

The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

BEST. QUIZ ANSWER. EVAR.

Oh yah, there's this one, too.


Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?


In bars frequented by colossal death robots, you're always the quiet guy at the back who no-one ever bothers. And for good reason. You've fought in several nuclear wars, could beat the sun in a staring match, and have a chin larger than many articles of furniture. Morals are not a concept you understand, but strangely enough, nobody ever questions your judgement. Usually because they're dead. Even Judge Dredd wets himself when you turn up. Grrrr.

Awesome, ne? ^_^

Hoo, boy..
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Diamonds - Gretchen
Doing better today, but I'm SO nervous about Wednesday. Apparently, Dionna's in town visiting her aunt and uncle, so the youth group's having a kind of welcoming party for her. Under normal circumstances, this would be awesome. But these circumstances are not normal.

The last time I remember seeing her before she moved to Arizona was when I almost broke down crying while letting her know if she needed anything, she could call me. She simply gave me a cold nod and walked away. And it was only because of Carolyn that she even looked at me in the first place.

Of course, I can understand. She went through the very kind of crap I have nightmares about. About.. 3 or so years ago, her mom died of Lou Gehrig's disease. Her body basically slowly degraded to the point where she couldn't even speak, then her organs shut down. I -think- this was right after they finally officialized the adoption for the boys, too.

Apparently, a little while ago Dionna finally got a ton of junk off her chest, and is now doing immensely better. But.. I dunno..

We were never -best- friends.. actually, we were at each other's throats most of the time. But we always made up shortly thereafter. Her parents watched me before and after school, permanently staying mad wasn't an option.

I actually got so mad at her I cussed her out once. Got yelled at big-time for that one.

But we're a lot older now, a lot wiser. It's just so surreal. We went from a rocky relationship to suddenly.. I was being shunned. She was mad at me for still having a mom..

And now she's back. Quite obviously doing much better, she went around church giving everyone she knew a hug.

But.. does she remember? Did she ever feel bad for suddenly giving me the cold shoulder, did she ever wish we could make up again? During all that time she was in Arizona, did she ever think about me..? I know I'm probably sounding selfish now, like I'm indignant for being shunned.

Honestly, I hold no grudge against her. If I lost my mom like that, under those conditions, I would've reacted just the same. Probably even worse.

My reason for all the questions is that I miss her. Obviously, we were never terribly close. But I was still there through everything, as was my parents.

I dunno what I'm gonna do if she wants to have a serious talk.. knowing how much I'm like Mom, I'll probably break down again. -.-; But then again, she may not want to talk about it. Either way, I'm both okay with it and nervous.

I just hope I don't cry..

Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Make A Jam & Nothing Gonna Stop - DDR
I'm SO bummed that UJournal's still down. Gabe's right, it seems kinda obvious that they're trying to get more users for LiveJournal. But then again, I'm prone to acting like a conspiracy theorist.

I really hope they come back up, they were so.. nice 'n organized 'n stuff. Alas, whining and wishing will do nothing.

These new DDR songs I'm listening to are amazing. I mean, they go beyond just having awesome beats. They actually cheer me up, which is a welcome change to the last day or two.

Speaking of cheering up, Dad just challenged me to DDR - "Unless you're too scared," he says. *Grins* No way I'm turning that down. Maybe I'm a little too predictable, possibly too competetive..? Oh, well. It's fun. >)