WHOO-HOO!!
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Dragostea Din Tei - O-Zone (I care not what anyone says, they're HOT!)
Aside from the loss of my dear guinea pig, Vejeta, on Tuesday , this is one of the bets weeks ever. And about Vejeta, don't think I'm being cold. I cried for a solid ten minutes when we found him, was in shock the entire next day, and almost started crying again when I told Cake. It still hurts to spend time with Trunks, though I can't bring myself to ignore him.

But since I've promised myself I'll try to be more positive and less angsty, here it is!

Sunday was uber-awesome, had tons o' fun doing drama with everyone. School was.. school. Wednesday was awesome, I got to eat again and see peoples. But I gotta say, today and tomorrow are the BEST.

Went in for an interview today with JCPenney Portrait Studio, and she actually hired me! Someone.. hired.. me.. FOR A JOB. The thought still scares me. ><

Granted, it's seasonal, but she knows me and my family. It sounds like if I can prove myself to her, she'll keep me. ^_^ She even said she was willing to take the risk of hiring someone with no work experience 'cause she likes what she's seen of my attitude towards people. That is such a huge w00t, I cannot even express it in words. I think I'll just sit here squeaking for a few hours.

Oh, and about tomorrow. We're having a cast/volunteer party at our house for the people of Hallelujah Night, which means I'll get to hang out with Joaquin, Tiffany, and Josiah for a while. ^_^

I gotta admit, though.. it's kind of a downer to think that after this week, I won't have that much new and exciting stuff to look forward to. I suppose there's the Christmas choir, job training, my trip to Michigan, and my new otouto. But still.. I hate it when the high ends.

Honestly, I'm SO hoping we get to do more drama stuff with the other team. It's awesome to see Tiffany again and how much she's matured, and Joaquin & Josiah are just awesome.

....Geez, I can't believe he's freakin' 14! I coulda sworn he was 21. o_o;;;

Alas, I need sleep or I risk being a physical/emotional wreck tomorrow. ..Doubtful, but possible. Oyasumi nasai, minna-chan! ^_^

Posted by realm3/arynna at 12:19 AM PST
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W00t!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Misc.
Hey, life is actually good! Apologized to Casey for spazzing. >< It took him a few minutes to remember what I was talking about, so I felt better that it hadn't gotten to 'im.

Other than that, there really isn't much going on.. I have Christmas prezzies to start working on, but I'm not putting the list up here. People read. :ninja: I'm drawing piccies of everyone doing something that they either do a lot or that they love.

Got to talk to Gabe again, although I hate those awkward silences when no one knows what to say. I'll chalk most of it up to my tiredness. ><;

And once again I'm in the mood where I'm tired of entertaining myself and wanna go watch TV so someone else can entertain me for a while. It's funny, this is the busiest season of the year yet I feel like I have nothing to do.

Oh, and back on the subject of Gabe.. gave him the dates for my trip to MI, but he doesn't think he'll be able to make it. Lack of a license does tend to get in the way. If I wasn't so tired and relaxed about everything else, that would probably depress me. I've been wishing and ignoring the blaring plot holes for weeks now. Oh, well. Another year of day-dreaming, I suppose. *Sigh*

But so help me if stuff keeps me away from Otakon. I'm likely to explode at this rate. ><

Good Tasha or bad Tasha..?
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Hikaru Utada - Colors
Topic: School
Yah, so Meep and Casey are pretty much a thing now. Anna kinda screwed with my head, which leaked out into them wondering why I was freaking out so much over the thought of them kissing.

As I've come to realize, I use over-reacting as a defense mechanism. If I over-react, they think I'm just being a spaz and that I'll get over it. That nothing's wrong.

When I finally got an excuse to get out of there and to go think by myself, I went out and sat on one of the large rocks at the bus-waiting area, curled up in a ball.

Of course, when I left (as per the custom in our group) they both wanted a hug. I made a joke about doing a dual-hug (they were cuddling on the couch) and kinda lamely half-hugged them. When I stood up, Casey was like, "Ow, I'm shunned! What kind of a hug was that?"

I made one of the stupidest mistakes ever. I just gave a lame apology and walked off with Anna.

Both thankfully and unthankfully, tomorrow is Advising Day AKA no school. But it's gonna torture Meep the entire time until she sees me on Thursday. I hate doing that to her, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't think straight anymore and the longer I stayed, the more I was gonna hurt both of them..

When I see her again, I'll have to make it abundantly clear that I have issues and it's absolutely nothing against either of them. Honestly, I'm glad they're happy. That's exactly what hurts.

It reminds me that I have never, nor will I ever for a long time, have that kind of happiness. I've only fallen in love three times.. one of them never cared and actually came to me to talk about the girl he was in love with (and now is acting like kind of an immature jerk..), the second one ended up being a perverted jerk, and the third one.. is actually for once not a jerk.

But I have not had a chance with any of them, not even the crushes. The last two I physically had/have no chance with (curse you, internet), and the first one I just.. had no chance.

It just kills me when I get weirded out and make people worry about me, then I can't explain to them why I spazzed. It's moments like this when I wanna withdraw into myself again and (obviously) pretend that everything's okay.

But that leads me to my second reason for writing this, which is actually not whiny. On the contrary, it's uber-sappy. People obsessed with sap, be happy. People who hate sap.. you suck. XD

If I could just have one thing for Christmas, it'd be that Gabe wouldn't be haunted by Ashi's memory anymore.. And that wish doesn't have any selfish motives, even by a long shot. I just want him to not be sad anymore.

And for everyone who's going, "Geez, she's angsty AGAIN!" ...lemme tell you something.

#1, I thrive off of angst. I write angst stories, I read angst stories, I love angst movies/songs. Deal. XD

#2, I dump everything that's wrong with me into this so I don't have it floating around my head. There's a LOT of cool, happy stuff that happens every day that doesn't get mentioned in here. You have to actually talk to me to get that stuff, so nyah. :P

Now that I'm done with that, there is a happy note. Meridan/Jailbait came up when I was "thinking" on the rock and started telling me about how he doesn't get to see his girlfriend until the 11th, and his mom wouldn't let him go up there tomorrow. Long-distance relationship.

He ended with jokingly pouting and saying, "I'm just gonna sit here and be depressed."

I agreed with him, then joked about making a club. He had to go at that point 'cause his bus came, but he gave me a hug and ran off.

I dunno what he did, but that made me feel a lot better. Maybe it was just getting some contact with someone who knew the situation but was kinda.. outside it, y'know? Or maybe it was the fact that I'm not the only one having that problem. Either way, Meridan's a life-saver. ^^

So now that I've got less crap on my mind and I'm cheered up a little, I'mma go mess around on YTMND. :P Cake's probably gonna tell me to make more happy posts, which I may do. I hate depressing people through them reading my crap.

Oh, and about the "Good Tasha or bad Tasha", ask me and be prepared to yell at me for even thinking about the bad one. In my defense, I don't feel the urge as strongly anymore. ^^

Ja, minna-chan!

Blargh.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nothing.. T_T
Topic: School
Yah, so Meep and Casey like each other. I don't even know what to think about that. I wish I could warn Meep not to do anything, but I have no reason. Casey's an awesome guy. A creepifying amount like Gabe, but I digress.

That doesn't help the growing confrontation... -__- Dangit, I'm gonna make Meep say something just to get it OVER WITH. Oy.

But anywho, aside from that everything's good. Got to talk to Gabe, came to a realization about Yoda's most famous quote. But I'm still at school so I'm not ranting about that now.

Just felt like updating this thing before Cake started yelling at me. XD Ja, minna!

I'm...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Engel - Rammstein
...Gonna have a cousin. Uncle John and Aunt Stacey were trying to have a kid for a while, and she finally got pregnant. But it has just now hit me that I'm gonna have a first cousin.

I've never had a first cousin. Only second, third, and fifteen-bajillion cousins. Wow.

Then again, think about how Dad must feel. He's gonna be Uncle Jim. XD

Anywho, on to stuff. Stuff is.. weird. First it's all okay, then it's kinda discouraging, then it's feeling better.

I have GOT to start talking to people who can better read body-language. -_- First Mom cautions me because she thinks Byron likes me. Not even three days later, it becomes highly obvious that he likes Liz.

Now Brad is angsty because she has a huge crush on Casey and thinks Casey likes me. I, however, caught on to the fact that Casey likes Meep. His response: "...Am I really that obvious?" Which, by the way, does not help the eventual confrontation between Meep and Brad, which I'm going to have to prepare for now so I know what to do/say...

But alas! I'm beginning to think my intuitive body-language reading is better than everyone else's learned body-language reading.

But the really creepy thought is what if both of them like me AND this other person? >< Maaaa, I do not need more weirdness to deal with. It's getting more difficult to stay third-party and friends with everyone.. I'm gonna be an expert at it by the time I just get out of this freaking school. *Sigh*

I like our newly-formed group of Running Starters, though. Meep, Casey, Anna, and I. We're all 16, except Meep. She's 15. Don't ask me how a 15-year-old got into college, the thought still disturbs me.

Anywho, on to less-complicated matters.

Cake was funny yesterday: "Don't you think you're kinda obvious about it?" *Snickers* Ahh, good ol' Cake. ^.^

Now I gotta go please the court (when I say court, I mean children) and play DDR before I get working on homework. Bloody program and its expensive rareness... bloody classes with their need for massive studying. *Shakes fist at them all*

At least my communications class wants me to watch Antz so I can profile the characters. That's kinda cool. ^_^

Ja ne, minna-chan!

I'm deeply disappointed...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Simply Being Loved - DDR Extreme
See that mood up there? "Caffeinated"? I SHOULD BE CAFFEINATED RIGHT NOW. I finally found news of a local 7-11 that carries Bawls. Any self-respecting geek knows Bawls. And when I say local, I mean the bloody gas station's a 2-minute drive from school. *Does the happy-dance*

I bought two bottles at $1.49 a pop, and have downed about half a bottle. I SHOULD BE HYPER!! Oh, well..

Life is hectic. I'm LOVING the drama practice for Hallelujah Night, Joaquin is the most awesome drama person ever. Although Donovan is hilarious as the alligator-man. *Snicker*

Life is also getting complicated. Anna's come by school a couple times this week. Apparently, she's just as bitter about Byron as Brad is about "that evil ******* up in Kent". ...Well, okay.. not THAT bitter.

But it saddens me that she feels she can't hang with the youth group because of that, and it also kinda irritates me that she bashes him so much.

Then again, I don't know him as much as she does.

But perhaps I have a clearer view of how much it hurt him than she does.

I hate playing volleyball with myself sometimes. Especially now that I can tell I've changed lately. This old baggage and these habits get really heavy.

Dang you, Bawls! Make me hyper so I forget all this! ><;;

Hm..
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Enigma - not sure by who.. Rurouni Kenshin AMV
I feel very withdrawn today..

I wish I could just fade to the background. I feel that urge coming on again.. the urge to pull back and let everyone live their lives on their own. Of course, not literally. I very much so need the friendship of the people at school.

Sadly enough, I'm talking about MSN. -_-

And for the first time, I'm not angsty when I think about it. I'm not doing it because I thrive on emotional pain, I'm not doing it because I'm pretending to be a martyr.

I don't really know why I'm doing it. Maybe it's because it's easier to be lonely when I'm not trying to convince myself that people are supposed to be there for me.

Would they notice if I left? I stayed for only two reasons. Now both of those reasons are busy living their own lives with their own people. I've got to get out of the illusion that I really know them.

I've got to stop pretending this is C55, where our entire lives revolved around one little box of white space filled with words. I've got to pull away from the internet, where so many memories linger and constantly bring back the pain.

They'll never notice anyway.

....Okay, maybe I AM being angsty. But this is less "I didn't get enough sleep, fear my mood swings!" and more "...I give up."

Still, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to just.. not show up anymore. Who's gonna bring me back when only two people care, and neither of them notice?

Ami-chan.. not that you know/care, but I'm sorry I broke my promise.. I never did get around to forgiving myself for what I did.

Alright, there's my angst corner. Now it's out of my head and I can get back to reloading my OS. My computer oh-so-desperately needs a fresh start.

Eee..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Engel - Rammstein
It's official.. today was CRAP.

Got home from school, immediately went into my room, climbed into bed, and cried for about ten minutes. Laid there for another half hour enjoying the down-time before I finally got up to do homework.

It always scares me when I get this tired and out of it. I get.. hm.. masochistic, should I say?

Not that I would ever do any of it, but it's much easier to entertain thoughts of playing with sharp razor blades and making myself throw up so people will get off my back about not doing enough.

Of course, I know deep down that they still love me and care about me. But everyone has a day when their dark side emerges for a romp through their mental insecurities. ...That's a VERY accurate description of me today.

I guess to my psyche, a good night's sleep is so much better/more important than a week of vacation. Which reminds me, I NEED to get to bed now.

But I'll leave with a slightly more positive note. Staci got to the S's in the personality profiling class today, the category which I am uberly-high in. It's basically supportive, caring, the mushy-feely category. I'm even more uberly-high in the cautious, planning category, but that's not the point.

One thing she said about S's REALLY stuck out to me, and I've got to bury this deep in my mental thinking:
"S's expect all of us (the other three categories) to read between the lines, because that's just what they do. With everything we say, they read between the lines. ...Even if there's no lines to read between. So S's, remember that when we say something, that's what we mean."

That spoke SO much to me.. I needed to take this class several years ago. ^_^ Granted, these are generalizations about a personality pattern. Value systems, life experience, and oodles of other factors can effect the way we act, but still.. I need to remember what she said, that'll take care of almost all my problems right there. XD

And now, I need sleep so that I may ponder this with a clear mind tomorrow. And hopefully I WON'T come down with this cold. ><

Bleh..
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Again, radio.
Dangit, today SUCKS. I'm coming down with something, which royally bites when you're fasting, Brad's not even here today, I forgot breakfast and have no money, and now my bloody hard drive in XP class is fried.

DANG YOU, NOTEPAD!!!

That was the only program I had open, then it gave me the blue screen o' death. AGH! Well, class is over.. tomorrow I get to spend time re-installing XP Pro. *Le sigh*

Better head out and find someone to hang around, today's gonna suck if I have to be lonely on top of everything..

Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Whatever's playing on the radio in XP class. ^_^
Topic: School
Hey, Cake finally bugged me to update my blog. I suppose it's about time, I've been slacking.

School is good, it's just eating my very soul. XD Jameson's two classes rock in that I get to learn the guts and innards of computers, Benson's class is fun because the computers in that classroom have Photoshop 7, and Staci's class is cool 'cause.. it's personality profiling. W00t!

The only down-side is that Jameson's classes require serious and massive studying just to get a good grade on the tests. Alas, this is rather difficult when MY PC HARDWARE BOOK IS STILL NOT HERE!! *Sigh* Oh, well. I've got Brad's book. :ninja:

There really isn't much else going on. Dad got a new laptop (technically from work.. WHAT?! I didn't see him playing SWG with it! ^_^*) that I am very much in love with. Dell Dimension XPS, the thing's gorgeous. And he's got it permanently docked at a 20-SOMETHING INCH FLAT-SCREEN MONITOR! I swear that thing's as large as the kid's computer..

Sadly, he forbids me to touch it. ..Okay, he said I MIGHT be able to use it if I don't take it anywhere, and just leave it there. Honestly, I am perfectly happy to sit there at the desk and revel in the glory that is... Star Wars Galaxies on a larger-than-21-inches flat-screen monitor with an ATI 9800 Radeon graphics card.

Um.. don't think there's much else, just the usual. Oh, except that I'm working on making pretty web layouts in Photoshop. But most people already know that. ^^

Life is good, school is fun, Ninja-Morph rocks. ...Card game Brad and I created when we got bored. Think rummy but with more stealing and "...I hate you"s. ^_^

Okies, gotta run now. XP's over. Side-note, I love my Gabby-chan! :P