I'm deeply disappointed...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Simply Being Loved - DDR Extreme
See that mood up there? "Caffeinated"? I SHOULD BE CAFFEINATED RIGHT NOW. I finally found news of a local 7-11 that carries Bawls. Any self-respecting geek knows Bawls. And when I say local, I mean the bloody gas station's a 2-minute drive from school. *Does the happy-dance*

I bought two bottles at $1.49 a pop, and have downed about half a bottle. I SHOULD BE HYPER!! Oh, well..

Life is hectic. I'm LOVING the drama practice for Hallelujah Night, Joaquin is the most awesome drama person ever. Although Donovan is hilarious as the alligator-man. *Snicker*

Life is also getting complicated. Anna's come by school a couple times this week. Apparently, she's just as bitter about Byron as Brad is about "that evil ******* up in Kent". ...Well, okay.. not THAT bitter.

But it saddens me that she feels she can't hang with the youth group because of that, and it also kinda irritates me that she bashes him so much.

Then again, I don't know him as much as she does.

But perhaps I have a clearer view of how much it hurt him than she does.

I hate playing volleyball with myself sometimes. Especially now that I can tell I've changed lately. This old baggage and these habits get really heavy.

Dang you, Bawls! Make me hyper so I forget all this! ><;;

Hm..
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Enigma - not sure by who.. Rurouni Kenshin AMV
I feel very withdrawn today..

I wish I could just fade to the background. I feel that urge coming on again.. the urge to pull back and let everyone live their lives on their own. Of course, not literally. I very much so need the friendship of the people at school.

Sadly enough, I'm talking about MSN. -_-

And for the first time, I'm not angsty when I think about it. I'm not doing it because I thrive on emotional pain, I'm not doing it because I'm pretending to be a martyr.

I don't really know why I'm doing it. Maybe it's because it's easier to be lonely when I'm not trying to convince myself that people are supposed to be there for me.

Would they notice if I left? I stayed for only two reasons. Now both of those reasons are busy living their own lives with their own people. I've got to get out of the illusion that I really know them.

I've got to stop pretending this is C55, where our entire lives revolved around one little box of white space filled with words. I've got to pull away from the internet, where so many memories linger and constantly bring back the pain.

They'll never notice anyway.

....Okay, maybe I AM being angsty. But this is less "I didn't get enough sleep, fear my mood swings!" and more "...I give up."

Still, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to just.. not show up anymore. Who's gonna bring me back when only two people care, and neither of them notice?

Ami-chan.. not that you know/care, but I'm sorry I broke my promise.. I never did get around to forgiving myself for what I did.

Alright, there's my angst corner. Now it's out of my head and I can get back to reloading my OS. My computer oh-so-desperately needs a fresh start.

Eee..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Engel - Rammstein
It's official.. today was CRAP.

Got home from school, immediately went into my room, climbed into bed, and cried for about ten minutes. Laid there for another half hour enjoying the down-time before I finally got up to do homework.

It always scares me when I get this tired and out of it. I get.. hm.. masochistic, should I say?

Not that I would ever do any of it, but it's much easier to entertain thoughts of playing with sharp razor blades and making myself throw up so people will get off my back about not doing enough.

Of course, I know deep down that they still love me and care about me. But everyone has a day when their dark side emerges for a romp through their mental insecurities. ...That's a VERY accurate description of me today.

I guess to my psyche, a good night's sleep is so much better/more important than a week of vacation. Which reminds me, I NEED to get to bed now.

But I'll leave with a slightly more positive note. Staci got to the S's in the personality profiling class today, the category which I am uberly-high in. It's basically supportive, caring, the mushy-feely category. I'm even more uberly-high in the cautious, planning category, but that's not the point.

One thing she said about S's REALLY stuck out to me, and I've got to bury this deep in my mental thinking:
"S's expect all of us (the other three categories) to read between the lines, because that's just what they do. With everything we say, they read between the lines. ...Even if there's no lines to read between. So S's, remember that when we say something, that's what we mean."

That spoke SO much to me.. I needed to take this class several years ago. ^_^ Granted, these are generalizations about a personality pattern. Value systems, life experience, and oodles of other factors can effect the way we act, but still.. I need to remember what she said, that'll take care of almost all my problems right there. XD

And now, I need sleep so that I may ponder this with a clear mind tomorrow. And hopefully I WON'T come down with this cold. ><

Bleh..
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Again, radio.
Dangit, today SUCKS. I'm coming down with something, which royally bites when you're fasting, Brad's not even here today, I forgot breakfast and have no money, and now my bloody hard drive in XP class is fried.

DANG YOU, NOTEPAD!!!

That was the only program I had open, then it gave me the blue screen o' death. AGH! Well, class is over.. tomorrow I get to spend time re-installing XP Pro. *Le sigh*

Better head out and find someone to hang around, today's gonna suck if I have to be lonely on top of everything..

Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Whatever's playing on the radio in XP class. ^_^
Topic: School
Hey, Cake finally bugged me to update my blog. I suppose it's about time, I've been slacking.

School is good, it's just eating my very soul. XD Jameson's two classes rock in that I get to learn the guts and innards of computers, Benson's class is fun because the computers in that classroom have Photoshop 7, and Staci's class is cool 'cause.. it's personality profiling. W00t!

The only down-side is that Jameson's classes require serious and massive studying just to get a good grade on the tests. Alas, this is rather difficult when MY PC HARDWARE BOOK IS STILL NOT HERE!! *Sigh* Oh, well. I've got Brad's book. :ninja:

There really isn't much else going on. Dad got a new laptop (technically from work.. WHAT?! I didn't see him playing SWG with it! ^_^*) that I am very much in love with. Dell Dimension XPS, the thing's gorgeous. And he's got it permanently docked at a 20-SOMETHING INCH FLAT-SCREEN MONITOR! I swear that thing's as large as the kid's computer..

Sadly, he forbids me to touch it. ..Okay, he said I MIGHT be able to use it if I don't take it anywhere, and just leave it there. Honestly, I am perfectly happy to sit there at the desk and revel in the glory that is... Star Wars Galaxies on a larger-than-21-inches flat-screen monitor with an ATI 9800 Radeon graphics card.

Um.. don't think there's much else, just the usual. Oh, except that I'm working on making pretty web layouts in Photoshop. But most people already know that. ^^

Life is good, school is fun, Ninja-Morph rocks. ...Card game Brad and I created when we got bored. Think rummy but with more stealing and "...I hate you"s. ^_^

Okies, gotta run now. XP's over. Side-note, I love my Gabby-chan! :P

Grrrr..
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Nightmare - Lord of the Dance Soundtrack
Ugh! Mom was taking me to school today and when we got to the light, some guy we passed told us to roll down his window, then started lecturing about how it was a 35 zone, not 40 or 42.

By the way, Mom is very cautious about the speed she's going.

So she's just kinda "Yah, thanks.." and rolls up the window. Then later on, when we're going down the by-ways he turns his lights on. Oh joy, we just miffed a (supposedly) unmarked cop.

So he comes up and starts lecturing us again about speeding. Dad used to be a freakin' cop, Mom knows the procedure for these things. She asks for ID. He flips out a badge. Not picture ID, a badge.

Okay, so far his evidence of being an actual officer iiis.. lights and a badge, both of which can be bought off the street. The guy wasn't even in any kind of uniform! He looked like he was going to work in a freakin' office building.

I wish I knew more about cop procedure just to know if he was bogus or not. Alas, he lectured us and informed us the driver-side brake light was out. Then he left.

Then as we were driving away, Mom glances at me and says, "...His badge said immigration. He was SO far out of his jurisdiction."

At the time I was just like, "Whatever, he's a freak agent on a power trip.. or bogus."

Unfortunately, we didn't think to get his license plate number.

But this leads me to my next point, the one which conjurs a rage that needs to be calmed. When I got home from school, Mom mentioned that when she talked to Dad, Dad wondered if the guy had something else in mind until he saw me and all the kids.

The very THOUGHT of someone wanting to do ANYTHING to my mother makes my blood boil. I don't know if it's protectiveness of her, the baby, or both that enrages me so much, but it doesn't matter. The point is, it does.

"Federal agent" or not, no one is going to do anything to anyone in my family unless they have a VERY good reason. Like they've been a brutal ax murderer for years and have just now been found out. Which would.. y'know.. break me. But that's besides the point.

If anyone did/tried to do anything to someone in my family, it would be one of those situations where size and skill no longer matters. If you're trying to hurt them, I will do whatever I must to take you OUT, and pain no longer exists.

It's almost scary to think of me in that state. I have had nightmares about what would happen if I snapped like that.. thankfully, it takes a LOT to fully enrage me to that point. I've never even come close, despite a few minor offenses towards my siblings.

I get irritated and upset a lot, but never enraged to the point of snapping and giving over to "the dark side" of my psyche. Maybe a better term is my "Hyde".

Either way, I must now go watch the dancing chibi and play Deus Ex to release/calm the rage.

Edit: Oh, and I forgot this part.. on a slightly happier note, it does wonders to just know a situation. Got a Mech-Mail from Gabe saying he was grounded for a stupid reason, couldn't explain now, and would later.

Big surprise, ne? XD I'm just wondering what he did to tick Rob off so much that he's been grounded for almost two weeks. ._.;;;

Alas, now I just miss 'im. Which is much better than being irritated, I can deal with missing. ^^;; As long as he's not on another one of those grounding sprees that lasts a solid several months.. that would suck. o_o

Either way, I'm significantly calmer now. Ja, minna-san!

Yawn, yay, and ow! ..In that order.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: MUSIC, DUH! ...Um.. yah. Dunno, nothing in particular.
W00T, 3Y3 4M T3H 1337 S4US4G3 H4XX0R!! M33T MY B4BY CTHULHU! ...Okay, WAY too much talking to Fish and Teki.

Which leads me to my next point, SCHOOL IS EATING MY LIFE! Aside from tonight and a few minutes of yesterday, I don't remember much of anything except school. I suppose staying until 6PM twice a week'll do that to ya.

But tonight was uber-cool. Dad finally took me to that archery clinic thing, and I got to practice for an hour. It was so cute, there was this little boy like 5 or 6 next to me with a lil' kid-sized compound, it was SO KAWAII! ...Until I went to get my arrows and realized he was doing almost as well as I was.

The range wasn't big enough for everyone there, so we were sharing targets. But that's besides the point.

The archery range main dude was walking around giving tips, and he got me using the gap method to hit the target. Finally, on the third to last round I got two bulls-eyes.

Obviously, bulls-eyes rock. The sucky part is that where I was aiming and holding the bow and stuff, it pretty much guaranteed the string would catch my coat sleeve on the way back when I let go. The problem is, it didn't just catch the coat sleeve, which WAS pretty thin. I have about a three-inch welt on my inner arm now. Thankfully, it doesn't hurt. Yet.

I got some leather finger-guards, because my first three fingers were in PAIN by the time I was done. And I really don't want caluses. But ohhh, do I ever love archery. Mmm, archery.

Between archery, school, DDR, and SWG, I can deal with the fact that GABE HAS BEEN MISSING WITHOUT EXPLANATION FOR TWO WEEKS!! Deal with it without getting depressed or ticked, that is.

...Well, okay.. without getting depressed. I AM getting rather ticked, though.. >_> Which again brings around another series of conflicts and wonderings, which I refuse to go into.

I must now go play SWG to calm the quickly-rising anger. Ja, minna-chan.

o_O;
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Nothing, amazingly. XD
Y'know, I realized something today while playing SWG. I reeeaaally miss Gabe.

I've been doing amazingly well for not having seen him in a week and a half, on top of not hearing anything from him or John.

Still.. I hate competing with his life. :/

In other news, school started today. This is going to be the best. Quarter. EVAR! Jameson rocks. And since I'm feeling simple and to the point today, no rant. Expect me to make up for it tomorrow. XD

Growing up kinda sucks..
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five
Topic: School
It's the strangest feeling ever.. in my eyes, I only have half an hour of childhood left.

My last year of school starts tomorrow, marking the end of my fun. ..Well.. in a poetic way. School in itself is fun, especially the free hang-out time. ^.^

But this is my last year of school. Officially. I have tossed around thoughts of going to a language school/college to get my bachelor's, but that's a few years down the road. Right now, I'm beginning my last year of high school and college, and my last year before everything changes. Drastically.

It's amazing how a simple trip to another country for one year can loom over one's head.

I hate being conflicted. On one hand, I'm dying to get to Japan. It's just kinda.. where I belong. On the other hand, I don't wanna belong by myself. At first, I won't know anyone over there except for the family I'm staying with.

Thankfully, they're cool. But they're still not my family.

Geez, culture shock isn't supposed to happen before I even freakin' get in the other culture!

..I'm gonna make it a point to cherish this one year I have left, to really get to know people. I will make it count, and more than just getting the piece of paper that says I know something.

I will get a job, I will get a car (hopefully Byron's.. >> << >>), I will cherish my short-lived freedom at a place I know and understand, and I will grow close to someone.

..It's hard being a 16-year-old who's expected to function as a full adult. I wish I'd listened to all those people who said to cherish my childhood. If only they could see now how very right they are.

Honestly, for only having experienced 16 years of it.. in my eyes, I've had a full life. Granted, what happened for five years of it wouldn't matter to anyone but a very small few. But those five years did and always will mean the world to me.

Okay, enough being philisophical and dreamy. I've gotta get to bed so I can get to the solid stuff of school.

..Strangely enough, it helps to know that I haven't been a child for a very long time. ^^ I'm just now required to prove it.

Another little coolness. ^.^
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Luckiest - Ben Folds Five & Diamonds - Gretchen
Wow, talk about nostalgia and rude awakenings. Cake was going through the archive on his blog, and found an entry from November of 2003, where he mentions me. Something about how I was depressed like a friend of his friend, and it was depressing him. ..I think.

At first, I was just like, ?..I was depressed??

Then I remembered when November of 2003 was. Two months after September. Only three people know what major event occurred in September, including the one who caused it..

But looking back, I was shocked to realize that I?m not that person anymore. I don?t know how I?ve grown, but I have. I was a little kid back then. I?ll admit, in a lot of ways I still am a kid. But hey, I?m only 16. The point is, I?m more adult than I was just a year ago.

Yah, I know everyone changes. ?It?s a natural occurrence that happens to everyone, what?s the big deal?!?, right?

I honestly don?t know why that struck me so hard. Maybe it means I went through a hardship, and I overcame it.

..But I doubt that?s it, I still have flashbacks. Painful ones. Even the ?happy? ones are painful.

Knowing me, I?d have to guess that it just stuns me to realize how many stages of me people have put up with. Especially Gabe..

But anywho, I always get that stunned silence when I realize how much people care about me.

You guys have put up with so much crap from me.. you know who you are. And I thank you deeply. Couldn?t survive myself without ya guys. ^^

...Wow, I can make a rant out of anything, can?t I? o_O Guess there?s never any lack of emotionally-charged reading material with me around, eh? ^_^;;;