ARrRgGgGGGgg, what'ssss WRONG with your COMPUTER! It's BROKE! WHAT did YOU do!
Some Jokes. I'm sure some will get offened, as some are a bit risqué, but funnier then a midget clown on fire! :0) If you have one to submit, send it to the e-mail.
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created." Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him. The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?"
God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a Man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no You go get your own dirt!"
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Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, ''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied, ''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
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One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'"
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "About 75 cents."
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State Slogans
Alabama: Squeal Like a Pig Boy!
Alaska: We Would Like to Take This Time To Say: Exxon Sux!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: The Land of Fruits and Nuts
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, But With Class.
Delaware: Chemicals in The Water, at No Extra Charge!
Florida: Blue Hairs With a Attitude!
Georgia: Come Squeeze Our Peaches.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru [Translation] (Death to The Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... We Grow Corn Too!
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: We Don't Really Have to Have Indians Ya Know!
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn and Hate Potatoes.
Kansas: John Brown Lives!
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names.
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: We're Not All Snobs From Harvard, it Just Seems That Way.
Michigan: First Line of Defense From Them Damn Canadians!
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work (Again)
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Lots of Cows.
Nebraska: Giddy-Up!
Nevada: Whores and Poker! Ya Just Can't Lose!
New Hampshire: Is There a Old Hampshire?
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Land Thief's and Proud of IT!
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: We Weren't Really On the Norths Side, For the Last Time!
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Really!
Ohio: Beats Michigan
Oklahoma: Just Like the Play, only No Singing and More Boring.
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal, Greenhouse Conspiracies Aside.
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota: Wild Bill Hickcock Was Not Gay!
Tennessee:The Educashun State
Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country! A whole 'Nother Language
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
Vermont: Gay Lawyers, Bed and Breakfast's, Lots of Homosexual Attorneys and Rooms to Rent, We Have Them All.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: The State!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
Canada: The 51st State of The U.S.A.
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A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
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Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?
Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!
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How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
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Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
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How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it!
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Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
So Uncle Sam said, "Fill it with water."
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It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
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An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven.
God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
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So the President sees this old man with a long white beard and staff and says... "Excuse me, sir, but are you Moses?" Moses takes off running!!!
He bumps into Aaron and Aaron says, "Moses, you shouldn't run from him. He's the President of the United States."
Moses replies, "Yeah, and the last time I talked to a Bush I wandered in the wilderness for forty years."
