Welcome and thank you A/all for allowing me to talk to you this evening about something very dear to my heart.
When I started online D/s I was a total newbie.
I sat in observe in Safe for Subs for weeks, watching and listening and soon discovered there was a name for someone like me and DANG I was not alone out there.
I am a submissive woman.
I fell into the wrong path quickly, made many online lusty submissive mistakes, but I soon befriended a couple of people who helped me develop and grow as a submissive.
They became my protectors and scolded me when I did wrong and lifted me up when I needed it.
When I felt I was ready to pursue an online D/s relationship, they guided me in protocol and etiquette.
I was educated in the proper steps in an online relationship, and totally believe in them for a successful one.
This is the subject of my presentation.
I read and will quote and lustily add to an article written by Sir Robin.
There are many wonderful resources available online and Jade has worked very hard to link tons of them to our Sinfully's Safehouse at this addy: http://www.jadenbearforever.com/Home/safehouse/SinfullysSafeHouse.html.
Very useful if your Master/Mistress gives you an essay to write, subby sisses and bros!
Most submissives make the presumption that it is the Dom/me that chooses the sub...WRONG!!!
It is the sub that is giving her/his life and gift to One.
So it is up to the submissive to set the pace for the relationship and Sir Robin brought up some very good points about readying YOURSELF
even before beginning the quest to seek a Master/Mistress.
He recommends these things:
Know yourself first. Are you a submissive? What level of submissive? What are your needs, wants, desires? What do you want from a Dom/me? What can you offer to him?
Decide what your limits are to be when starting out. YOUR limits, NOT what you feel a Dom/me would want!!!
Clean up your life. Do not expect a Dom/me to do it for you.
When He/She shows up, you have to be ready to give to Him/Her then, not a year down the road when you "might" be divorced (example only) and free to give.
Be ready and free to offer all of yourself at the time. If all you can give is an online relationship then be prepared to state so up front, before any relationship begins.
Learn how to recognize the ~~real thing~~. You do this by reading properly written material on D\s, watching how others interact, listening, observing the little things. In other words, be an educated submissive.
And lastly and when done with the previous steps, Begin advertising yourself as available. Watch, Observe, Listen. Take things slow.
You will find many players\pretenders\wannabees and predators that are all out for their own self-gratification.
Mind you, subby sissies and bros, THIS IS BEFORE YOU EVEN START looking for a relationship.
You cannot possibly focus on picking a Dom/me/me and giving of yourself if you have baggage, if you have a broken heart from a previous relationship,
if you don't know what you want, or haven't established your needs.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo after all the above accomplished, you can focus on meeting Dom/mes and exploring your options and opportunities.
There are five steps in a D/s relationship.
D\s is based upon a vanilla marriage where love, trust and commitment has brought the couple together, but D\s is more for the sub who gives not only her/his heart to her/his Dom/me\Master/Mistress,
The sub literally places her/his very life into His/Her hands for safe keeping thus the binding ties of open communication, honesty, trust and love run a hundred times stronger.
Also: with such strength, the BDSM parts of the relationship are much more rewarding.
First stage: general friendship: Taking the time to get to know the basic make-up of a person.
Do NOT jump into the first lap offered you! Start out becoming friends first. Get to know the person under the title.
This step is where you prove your credibility as a submissive. If you are seen ~jumping laps~ or ~linking~ with every Dom/me around u will lose your reputation.
People watch especially since you have advertised your desire to seek a Master/Mistress.
Second stage: Companionship: hanging around together yet not being committed to any exclusiveness for each other.
Slowly becoming exceptional friends, learning to trust the other with your more intermit thoughts etc...
Becoming comfortable and unafraid to say anything to the other, knowing that they accept "all" of you & feeling secure in the knowledge
that they will not think less of you should you make a mistake.
(We are all human & to err is a human quality).
Third stage: Exploring: where you commit to being with that one only, exclusively. PPE = Partial Power Exchange begins here.
It is at this stage where the Dom/me starts gently testing His/Her power and the sub tests her/his willingness to submit to this person.
You will be giving small amounts of submission to Him/Her and He/She will be taking small amounts of control of that submission.
Examples: asking permission to brb or to stop and go get a coffee.
As you continue to spend more time with Him/Her, you two will start slipping further into PPE with each other.
Now is the time to see how compatible you are with the Dom/me. A trip to discuss the limit checklist would be in order.
Do NOT compromise your desires or limits, stick to them. Changing them to better match His/Hers, is only going to cause you problems when S/He/She pushes on something that you originally had listed as a "Hard" limit.
At this point, a sub should be considering petitioning the Dom/me to be her/his Master/Mistress.
A petition is a written or oral statement from the submissive to the Dom/me telling what the sub has to offer to the relationship:
skills, promises, vows, etc. also what the sub desires of a Master/Mistress in return.
The Dom/me at this point can deny the petition and continue the exploration, agree to go separate ways,
or at this point offer the "Collar of Consideration" if the petition is accepted.
At this stage, you two will also start to learn of the others deeper aspects and what each wants and needs from a D/s relationship.
Serious contract and negotiations, discussions begin...
You will be exchanging your needs, wants, desires lists and working on an eventual formal contract, thus, getting to know each other even more personally.
Exploring also serves the purpose of keeping the Honorable Dom/mes\subs from attempting to woo one or the other for themselves,
Thus, both have breathing space to get to know each other...
If "VP online", the couple will agree to stating on their BIOS's first page,
either under the Name or Location heading, that they are Exploring\Courting with each other.
This takes the form of: Exploring with Sir ***** in the sub's bios and: Exploring with ***** in the Dom/me's BIOS's...
This stage lasts as long as each of the couple feels it necessary.
Fourth stage: My Sir: Is when the sub takes the Dom/me as "her/his" Dom/me and He/She takes her/him as "His/Her" sub.
Basically this means that contracts are near completion and both have made a definite commitment to each other.
Most limits have been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon and both want to go deeper into the TPE concept: Total Power Exchange
and see if the relationship is strong enough to be a full blown Master/Mistress\sub commitment.
At this stage: the Dom/me exerts much more control and the sub submits much more of herself over to him.
A deep Trust has thus been established, complete Honesty has worked its magic, and a very high form of personal
Respect for each other has formed a tight, strong bonding of the couple.
You're getting deeper into the relationship and giving more and more of your submission to him.
He/She is controlling you a good fifty or more percent of the time in many areas, both online and in your r\t.
You should also be feeling an emotional attachment to Him/Her.
Now is the time to learn to keep the love emotions separate from the need to be mastered emotions.
The Dom/me cannot allow love to dominate the relationship.
You went into the relationship desiring and needing a Master/Mistress, if He/She starts and you play on it,
letting love control how He/She controls you: you will end up unhappy though in love.
Your basic instinct is the need to be mastered and controlled, NOT loved.
Love is an added dessert to the main course and needs to stay in its proper place.
He/She needs to be Master/Mistress first and always and you need to be submissive first and always.
As this stage progresses, the Dom/me can offer the "Collar of Training" which enhances His/Her control of you, truly molding you to HimHer, make you His/Hers.
Fifth stage: Final Commitment: This is where they become Master/Mistress\sub.
Here you exchange and perform whichever ritual they have decided upon to make it official... and begin what all hopes is a long and happy relationship.
Here, you will finally decide if this Dom/me is to be your Master/Mistress or not.
YOU will decide, not Him/Her.
As the sub, you are giving Him/Her your very life to care for and thus, you have to decide if this man has the ability, drive, determination and responsibility to do so.
You will petition Him/Her, listing what you have to offer and expect in return,
He/She will then decide if He/She wishes to accept your petition and all the responsibility that will come with owning another person's life.
If both agree to final contract, limits, etc, you will become His/Hers.
At this time, you will either be collared or have agreed that it wait till you T/two have spent some time together in r\t to be sure that the relationship will grow or not.
At this stage: all contract negotiations have been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon, though it is understood that, like any relationship that grows, the contract also grows with it.
Both evolve and change to define and strengthen each other as the couple teaches\learns as One.
A little bit about the final collaring…
Collaring is an Honorable and lasting act, an oath between the two people and should never be taken lightly.
Collaring is never taken lightly by those who truly honor their love and respect for the D/s lifestyle.
It's not a decision that's made quickly and tossed aside in a week or two.
We see too much of that kind of thing online everyday and I hope that this will give you something to consider before you jump into one just because it seems like the thing to do.
It's a commitment that should bind a couple together for a lifetime.
Be sure you are ready to uphold the traditions behind that band of metal or leather before offering or accepting it.
It is the outward symbol of the commitment made by the dominant and submissive and marks her/him as the property of another,
much the same way a wedding ring does for our vanilla counterparts.
I have seen so-called Dom/mes that have taken and collared a new, different sub on the average of one per week.
D/s is a widely honored and respected life style and this kind of treatment of the binding "Collar" is a disgraceful act.
For you new Dom/mes or subs, recognize that the internet is a tool which augments and gives you access into a real world.
If you wish to remain cyber that is your free choice but try to respect the world that you mimic. These collars are to be ~locked~ not Velcro-clasped.
In conclusion, the purpose of my discussion was to inform new Dom/mes and submissives of the actual steps or protocol to getting involved in a D/s relationship.
I have seen many relationships that skipped steps falter soon after
and it upsets me to see my bros and sissies hurt and destroyed over what could have been prevented
if there had been the proper exploration period.
This lifestyle is about trust and how can one possibly trust someone in that short of time. Trust and respect are meant to grow over time.
We all know what it's like to be lonely, but please, DON'T just throw yourself away on the first available relationship.
Way to many subs get all glassy-eyed and aroused emotionally at the very hint of being collared
and don't stop to learn of it's traditional aspects along with the honor and respect that a Collar demands of those true to D/s ways.
Open Communications + Honesty + Trust = D\s Relationship.
Follow this formula and you will gain your eventual goal.
And the only way to do it is......ONE STEP AT A TIME!!
~~From A Article Written By Sir Robin Presented By ~~~Lusty.Lips~~~~~
