Cinderella agreed. "What's the second condition?"

 

"You must be home by midnight.  Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

 

Cinderella agreed to be home by midnight.  The appointed hour came and went, and Cinderella didn't show up.  Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm turned into a pumpkin five hours ago!!!"

 

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.  He took care of everything."

 

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!  Tell me his name!"

 

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."

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Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.  Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.  Gepetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.  A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and, holding a knife to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at the Wolf and said, "No you're not!  You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy and that is why you want a divorce?"

 

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SNOW WHITE

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! lie to me!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Oh..... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?

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 A Hooker's Tax Return
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."  He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked "What is your occupation?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

 

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.  That will never work.  That is much too crass.  Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude.  Try again."

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

 

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."