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6/1/03-wassup everyone? first of the month, and it is summer and i'm so happy cause now i can walk around half naked without the danger of hypothermia. yea i think i like what's coming.
Quote of the Day-"muhahahahahahah"-myself

6/2/03-hello folks. if i ever become president i'm going to make some names illegal.
Quote of the Day-"My name not Shithead, it's Steven!"-myself

6/3/03-you know last night my momma told me i can sing, that suprised the hell out of me.
Quote of the Day-"You ain't ready for this stoutness"-myself

6/5/03-hello. kinda trippin' torn between two places, but i got my report card yesterday and i got a 4.7 so yea, i'm king. bye
Quote of the Day-"She wanted that chocolate and nuts"-Ms. Vicki

6/8/03-today's currently rarily seen sunday sermon is about faith. sometimes we all wait for things that seem like they'll never appear. some say faith is foolish and that fate never fails but whatever happens you know what's real whether to acknowledge it or you don't. many obstacles and situations come but faith is like walking with you eyes open and knowing when to close your eyes and keep walking
Quote of the Day-"Maine that girl so freaky we used to call her aah aah"-the orignal words of Tasha

6/9/03-gimme what you got for a porkchop!! naah i ain't chingy, i'm just chilin on a monday with my sidekick cookie suzie, and we talkin' bout the rapaman r.kelly. but on other subjects i had a great day and did a bit of reflection and realized that somethings will never change
Quote of the Day-"See, i'm a broke hoe"-Lashonda

6/10/03-today i'm happy, i got a free lunch, didn't get bored at work, and got the call that i've been waiting on, and if you know me you know what i'm talkin bout.
Quote of the Day-"The panties was too tight right?, they got stuck on my thighs"-North Memphis woman

6/11/03-hey bye
Quote of the Day-"Get out of my coochie!!!"-Tamara

6/15/03-iono how often these things see repititious but today's sunday street sermon is about forgiveness. sometimes things happen in friendships and relationships, and we have to find the strength and maturity to move on. well forgiveness you ask? yes, forgiveness is the key. you must forgive each other for actions and misunderstandings, and you must also forgive yourself along with each other, probably makes the world a better place
Quote of the Day-"Oops I did it again! I played with your d*ck"-Britney Spears imposter

6/17/03-hello folks, been a couple days, had some highs and lows, i'm just living though, tryin to make sure that the goods outweigh the bad
Quote of the Day-"Dingy broad"-myself
Two for one deal!!-"There are a lot of those, I could name a few from the top of my head"-Chantay

6/18/03-ever wondered how you can try so hard but you can't even win for losing the most. i feel ya trust me
Quote of the Day-"Bitch aint got a nickel to her name and got the nerve to have an attitude "-Sean
Another Two for one Deal!!-"I oughta slap her and steal her nickel"-Sean...again

6/24/03-well i said it, and got dammit i got it. now i gotta be content with the drizzle of rain. don't mean i don't love you though, love you enough to make the choice i don't want to
Quote of the Day-"Cain't cover loose coochie like that up!"-from Aj's book...

6/25/03- My man and I had been together for four years and one day it was off. There he was on top, grunting and grinding and suddenly I knew that he having an affair. The way he was touching me and kissing me was different from the other times. He didn’t usually make love to me like this. It just felt different. After sitting home with prepared foreplay, he came home and fucked up my mood, and I wasn’t happy about it. I was down for him and him for me and some other broad. I pushed him off of me and got up to go to the kitchen. Food was always my comfort blanket. He came in after me kissing me on my ear. I damn near turned around and slapped him but instead I just turned around and played it cool. I wrapped my legs around him and began to kiss him softly teasing him. And then I said “I don’t know if she’s gonna like this”. He looked at me dumbfounded and then I replied “, your mistress”, then I slapped him. “That’s different” he replied in a normal conversational tone. From his reply I looked up and I was angry. He just rolled his eyes ad went back to the bedroom naked like I was supposed to follow him in there. I think that he was high. But he was trippin’ but I didn’t plan to let him know that he was. I followed him into the bedroom, a demure look in my eye. I didn’t want him to know what I was thinking or feelin’ so I became patient. I made him be patient as his eyes were closed and he softly stroked himself, probably preparing to masturbate. I walked and pressed my lips on his, dancing my tongue inside his mouth tickling his. His eyes were still closed as I backed away to tease him. I pressed my breasts on his face letting him stimulate me. I moved my body slightly above his mouth. He moved down my stomach and hit the due south spot. His hands curled around my thighs I and let his tongue do the rest. He pleased and smacked and tasted and wriggled and moaned and all I could do was cry. Tears were streaming out of my eyes and leaving trails down my face as I took his keys silently. I…arrived. He was pleased. I walked out of the room and took the keys put on my jogging suit and took his Benz out for a spin in the rain. I loved him and that was something that I couldn’t deny. My heart couldn’t lie. But it hurt to know that he was possibly screwing around on me. Another woman was getting what was mine and that hurt so desperately. Three a.m. at night and I was driving in the rain, all because I loved his punkass. He was probably calling the broad now. I took out a fold of hundreds and went to get myself a suite. I tried to put him out my mind as I walked into the hotel. I really couldn’t help in because thoughts of him seeing him and such kept popping into my head. As I grabbed the suite keys, as I paid the clerk at the desk, as I order my early breakfast, I was really wishing that I could be with him and he was probably wishing that he were with her. The rain poured down harder on my balcony as I went to sleep hugging my pillow while he was probably hugging her.

The next day I awoke to a beautiful morning the sun was shining and I still wasn’t ready to go home. Since I wasn’t ready to go home I jumped back in his car. I took the b-roll out of his sun visor and treated myself to a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus. Afterwards, after I tipped the sales clerks for helping bring my 19 bags to the car I tore the receipt up. What would it be to him if I spent $4,500 anyway? So I got back in to the car and drop the top on the Benz and took the long way home. I pulled up into the garage and took my bags in the house myself. The Excursion wasn’t in the garage so I figured he was gone, but sometimes weird things happen when you think. As I proceeded through the doorway with my last load I began to sit out the things that I bought. I sat my personalized bath towels on the kitchen counter and I laid my personalized bathrobe on the leather sofa. I opened the blinds waiting on him to come home. I sat my newly bought jewelry in my armoire. My new fragrances sat on the top of my dresser. And while new clothes I heard the Excursion pull up. I didn’t haste to put up anything I kept proceeding hanging up but I heard one too many doors close. About 5 minutes later he walked into the house. I didn’t bother acknowledging him but he had a few words to say with me. “Where is my money?” he asked. I looked and asked what money was he talking about. Instead of pursuing his question, he asked, “Where did all of this shit come from?” I laughed to myself and he looked at me very sternly as if I guess I was supposed to be afraid of him. He started picking up my things and demanding an answer from where the items derived. I clicked my tongue as I put on my LBD with the rhinestone choker with matching bracelets and earrings. I looked and rolled my eyes and giggled to myself again and then he saw the personal bathwear. “Damn,” he said, “you spent all of this money on clothes, jewelry, personal towels and shit and I didn’t get nothin’? I mean I ain’t got no towels with my damn initials on em!” Since he started whining about his gift I went into the bedroom and the brown paper bag I had for him. I threw the bag and him and distinctly said, “Shut the fuck up!” He opened and saw two magnum condoms and looked with an odd look in his eye. And then I answered his question before he answered it, “Just so whoever you sleeping with doesn’t give me anything”. So then I grabbed belongings moved into the guest bedroom and said as cold as vicious as possible, “I hope the broad makes house calls”

Three weeks had passed and I had passed my midterm exams. It was a miracle because I had been through some things in a little inside of a month. After getting my Escalade of the shop, my windows were busted at Spelmen, losing my engagement ring and my credit card, I had broken my curse of three bad things. I went for a shopping spree at Dillard’s to award myself. I bought myself some nice shoes, two purses, some nice little candles, and some hip-huggers and skirts and etc. I made my way to the cash register, eyeing some other things but deciding to make a return trip. I searched my purse and pulled out my checkbook. There was a tall, light-skinned pretty girl in front of me. She had long hair and brown eyes and had a friend with her that was a little less attractive than her. She had on a black dress that barely covered the surplus of her body and she had a long necklace around her neck. For some reason her necklace made me think about my engagement ring. I really didn’t like it anyway; I wanted it bigger than that. Then, out of nowhere, I heard my name. The girl ahead of me gave the clerk a Visa and started whispering to her friend, “I can’t believe he gave me her credit card. “Girl, I just cain’t stop pimping.” Then she turned around and I saw what was so shiny around her neck, it was my engagement ring. Instantly I knew, it was on when I got home. I followed this broad out of the Dillards and to her destination. I saw her stop at a few stores and buy more items occasionally. So then I followed her to drop her girlfriend off and then the weirdest thing I saw was when she kissed her goodbye. She tongue kissed her goodbye. I tensed up and gripped my steering wheel tighter to prevent me from throwing a tantrum. She pulled out of her driveway and started back to the suburbs of town. She was heading back to my turf. But then she did a detour and headed for the middle class part of the city. Pulling into what I guess was her home, I saw him, his infrequently driven Suburban and all. I wanted to step out of the car but instead I took my camera out of my purse and started to snap pictures. Them hugging and kissing on her lawn. And could’ve chunked the camera at his as but instead I was going to just catch him in his own. I was going to take his own boardgame and pull it from up under him. So after snapping my last pictures a took the trip home and stopped to get my film developed on the way. I drove home and didn’t say a word for a week. I went to school, talked, slept and ate and never said a word to him.

It was gloomy outside and I woke up to an empty bed wondering where my man was. He was probably with that broad and her broad. Before I knew it I was crying. Within the four years, the promises fell apart and the sweet words became sweet nothings. I could seriously torch something because I knew that I should be valued but laying here alone didn’t make me feel worth it. At one time I adored this man and now all I could do was grasp the sheets that smelled of his cologne while he was out for the night and that thought didn’t make me happy at all. I walked around, cooked and watched daytime TV all day. Seeing talktime trash made my problem temporarily disappear. I couldn’t run because I didn’t feel appreciated. Then I realized that today was the day. My film was ready. It was time for him to fess up or get the fuck out. I went and picked up my spy-like pics and a few other necessary things. I sped home and got my things together. Rose petals, check. Thong, check. Aromatherapy candles and matching bubble bath. I ran to the door and began to strip my clothes off. I lit the incense and spread the pictures out on the bed. I heard his SUV pull up. He entered the house. Steam billowed from the door. I could almost see his puzzled expression as he saw the two different trails of the bedroom and the bathroom. From the big pause I think that he chose the bedroom first. He saw the pictures and then I heard him say “What the fuck is this?” I calmly stepped out of the tub. I wrapped my towel around me, and my braids were damp. I looked him in the face with blurry eyes and asked, “You tell me” I proceeded to walk out of the room as he chased behind me. “Baby no, hold on” Those words made the tears start falling out of my eyes. They were the words my friends and family told me I’d eventually hear and the ones I had tried to avoid, because I knew what was coming after them. I was crying on the outside but raging on the inside. How was this supposed to happen to me? I was supposed to be the model wife to my model husband but somewhere, anywhere, models are fake. He kept droning on and on making excuses and then I just turned around and slapped him. I started cursing and going off in a rapid fashion, telling him what I thought of his dirty ass. I told him everything that I thought except that I love him. We got into an expeditiously paced argument. Then, I told him to get the fuck out and a cold wave of water hit my face because this was his house. He told me to get the fuck out of the house. I refused to leave because I contributed to his cause. If it weren’t for me he probably would starve and live in filth. I really didn’t feel like being strong and yelling so I just went to bed. I snuggled into my bed, which was his bed too but he never came. I heard him lay on the leather couch shifting, tossing and turning. I was crying uncontrollably. I was shaking and trembling, because as a little girl I wanted the perfect life but who am I on my own? I remember lying in that bed when we first bought the house. I would lay on the bed and he would wrap his arms around me and I would feel on a cloud. I remember how we would kiss like middle school teenyboppers after he smoked weed. My heart was all aflutter. I remembered about how he made me feel love and I could collapse at the thought. I remembered him taking my virginity in the back of his Cutlass and all the things he taught me and showed me. All of this just made me sad and angry. My real love had just confirmed the breaking of my heart and I was helpless.

Weeks had passed and I had eventually most of my stuff and had found a place of my own. My life was going better than it was at first. The days seemed brighter and the clouds seemed fluffier. I could breathe. I was driving back to this house for the last time to get the rest of my belongings. I was going to be cordial and be a young lady and say goodbye with confidence and grace. What I didn’t know was that this visit would change the rest of my life. I used my key that was now off my key ring to get in the house and I came to get my last stack of cosmetics when I realized they were opened. I was looking over the items that some were missing. I went for the bedroom and what I saw mad me very angry. There he was with the same bitch on top of him and ring box on the nightstand. Next, the situation became a blur because she had on my shade of lipstick that was missing. At first, I had turned away read to just leave the shit but the next thing I knew I was pulling her off of him, beating her. She had punched me in my lip, and then I let loose. He tried to stop us from fighting but, I picked off his picture frame Bob Marley from the wall and hit her with it. The glass instantly shattered breaking on her face. Then, she stumbled back helpless when I slammed the remaining pieces of the frame over her head. The queasy sound of broken bones and sight of blood on the carpet didn’t phase me. The thoughts began to run in my head that I wasn’t gone for weeks and yet he had moved her in and was giving my old things. He was even ready to propose to her. Four years didn’t mean just anything to me, but it did to him. This idea left me in a heap of discarded emotions. I felt scared, hurt, abused, angry, frustrated, and insulted. So I did the only thing that seemed sensible to me. I stormed madly to the kitchen and found the biggest knife that I could. He chased me and tried to stop me. I knew in my mind that I really loved him, but I wanted him to hurt like I did. I had specifically told him to back up , but he rushed at me and then blood was all over both of us. I looked him in his eyes during his last breath. I began to cry rapidly. I couldn’t handle the scene. The picture was harsh on my eyes so I ran to leave the house. I had made it outside of the house and got in my new car. Then, I remembered the ring box on the nightstand. I fought with my conscious to go look at the box before I finally did. When I opened the box it was a beautiful 3-carat diamond ring on a platinum band. I inspected closely a few times becoming madder and madder before noticing the engraving. It read, “I love you four years and many years more,” and then my name was at the end. Still crying with my hands shaking, I took the ring. I fled the house quickly.

Weeks later, I am in another state hoping that they don’t find me because I’m a criminal. In actuality I am a victim of a hopeless crime called love. Now, I wear the engagement ring around my neck on a small chain. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t get that image out of my head and the morning sickness that I’ve been feeling doesn’t help either…..
Quote of the Day-"He had the nerve to get smart, and the son of a bitch was stuttering!"-Tamara

6/28/03-it's 1 in the morn, and i'm fresh out the shower, really kinda bored looking for a new poem to post for this saturday if you read yesterday's journal entry, and if you haven't ten do so now, that was my first adult short story, "call before you come", don't bite cause i know it taste good, even through that copyright seal, but if that's your first time reading it, hit me up in the rants section and let me know what you thought i did right and wrong
Quote of the Day-"this could be you!"-your name here

6/30/03-hi, last journal of the month, holla at a playa, holla
Quote of the Day-"I'ma put my flip-flop up yo azz!"-Chantay