Author's Note: This piece is meant to be exaggerated and sarcastic. I'm deliberately stretching some of it out to near-caricature for effect and for humor and to better convey my frame of mind while writing this. However, in all honesty, my own personal experiences, uncommon though they (thankfully) seem to be, have not been far from what I picture here - there is less parody and exaggeration than you might think. And please note that I said my experiences. I would not insult anyone's intelligence by presuming that all Christians, or even most Christians, are anything like this.

So Sorry...

Sorry, dear, it really doesn't matter to us - The truth, that is - after all, what do we care if you don't even believe in the devil. You ' re a witch - your own words, now, not ours - And the big man with the white collar says that makes you evil, unholy. Never mind that he's just human; he's a priest, no way he could ever be wrong. If he says you worship Satan, you do and it's fact - sorry, dear.

But wait; please stay, dear - let us save you from this sin. After all, you can't really believe all that about a goddess, can you? There isn't one, you know, never mind that we have our own named Mary. Here, take this bible, the word of God himself (as approved by some long-dead king that no one remembers or cares about anymore); read it and see what folly- oops, sorry, dear, I mean wisdom - it contains. Oh, and never mind the contradictions - it's the priest's job to understand, not ours, after all. Why would God possibly want us to, you see?

What's that, dear? Christ's other flock? No, no, that doesn't mean you. You see, you 're the pawn of the devil and are going to hell - unless, of course, you accept everything the nice priest tells you as fact and never question it. Oh, and dear? It's so unseemly for a lady like yourself to be so strong and independent. A woman should be meek and submissive, leaving all those hard things to the men, who are so much smarter and stronger than we are.

So sorry, dear, but I have to go now, before you could possibly have a chance to actually talk to me. Because anything you'd say is obviously a lie - the good priest warned me, after all, and it would just be much too right and fair to ever think you could possibly tell me the truth and change my mind. So sorry, dear, but the obvious rightness of what the priest tells me surely means more than the fact that it's false. Don't you agree, dear?

So, tell me, dear, shall I see you in church this Sunday? What? Bring your girlfriend? Oh, no, dear, I think not. You don't honestly expect our God of love to accept lov e, do you, especially love like that?

But, wait, dear - maybe God will forgive and cleanse you both. Yes, that's it - please, do come after all. And, dear, like I said before, I am so, so sorry...

Copyright 2002 Margaret Brown Andromeda Valentine Site: Crimson Redd 02-24-2000