Can I Ask You a Question?

Can I Ask You A Question?
By: Taliesin Athor Govannon

I am a very public Pagan. I am a long-haired male, bearded, fond of dressing in black, with a rather large pewter pentagram (my only piece of jewelry...REALLY noticeable against a plain black background) around my neck. In other words, I've never tried to hide my identity as a Witch...my broom closet has screen doors in it!

Now, any of you other public types out there will know what I'm talking about when I say that I tend to get a LOT of questions from non-Pagans. (NOTE: Since there are some who dislike the terms "cowan" and "mundane", I will henceforth refer to such people as "metaphysically challenged") Some are rude, some are ignorant, and some are in a class of their own.

It can be difficult to know how to answer these people. After all, some of them may never get the opportunity to hang with real occult/Witch types, and probably wonder if we all work for those "1-900-YOU-PUTZ" type psychic lines. I, however, have quite a bit of experience interacting with such types, and have a huge collection of "Save your soul now" style pamphlets to prove it. As a public Pagan service (and also because I've been spending all of my time lately writing love songs to a beautiful blue-eyed Witch and thus have NO other ideas ready), I have decided to give you a list of my favorite questions from the metaphysically challenged, along with possible answers. (Please note that these are POSSIBLE answers, and I assume no liability for personal injury resulting from their use. Remember, it's safer to be a smart-ass in print than it is in real life.)

Top Ten Questions From The Metaphysically Challenged:

"Is that there one of those quartz crystals around your neck?"
(No, it's a CIA transmitter...)

(while pointing to any occult/Pagan book in your possession) "What do you have there?"
(A BOOK...see the pretty words? Oooooooohhhhhhhh........)

(same as above) "What book you got there?"
("Build A Thermonuclear Weapon From Ordinary Household Goods In Three Days"...why?)

"Are you going to Hell?"
(No, but it's on my way if you want dropped off...")

(While looking at pentagram) "Is that a satanic symbol?"
(No, it's a Masonic symbol...would you like to donate to Shriner's Hospital?)

"Do you believe in God?"
(Which one?)

"How does someone become a Witch?"
(Well, first there's the written exam, and then the swimsuit competition...)

"Can you do a spell on me?"
(Don't tempt me, please...)

(Pointing to pentagram) "What are you, Jewish?"
(Shalom!!!)

(A real experience) "Well, I like you...you seem like a nice person. I'm really worried about all of this occult stuff you're into though...why don't you come and talk to my pastor? He knows lots about occult stuff, and I think he can set you straight...you might even find Jesus! But before you do that, could you give me a tarot reading???"
(No, but I'll give your pastor one...)