HELL HATH NO FURY....

REVENGE......BEST SERVED UP COLD....by Coralynn

Sally Jennings scoffs, "Come on, Marilyn! You were not a big movie star! What's a movie, anyway?"
"We'll have to show you by putting a video of some of my movies into the VCR player...."
"Whatever that is!"
"You'll see. But a movie is like a play, but you can see it over and over whenever you want. What don't you believe?"
"People stopped you on the street to get you to sign pieces of paper? No, it never happened. You may be beautiful, but no more beautiful than a lot of women, so why would anyone want to make a big who-haw about you?"
"Ohhhh, Sally, I don't know, it just happened. You know how people decide what you are: sexy, intelligent, talented, whatever, take your choice, and no matter what you do, they won't change their minds. They thought I was sexy and it stuck."
"That I understand! The people in town, when I lived there back in what......1733?......thought I was immoral because I provided a service that the men in town wanted. Then they turned against me because they wanted to look pure and proper. Rev. Matthews especially. I know he was having an affair with Ephraim Jones' wife......talk gets around when you have a 'business' like I had. So, to make himself feel like less of a sinner, he had to find someone he considered worse and drive her out of town. What do you call someone like that?"
"A hypocrite!" Eleanor answers, "Would you like to get back at him, Sally? I think I know a way."
"Sure would! I'd give anything to put that skunk in his place!"
"Are you up for a short time travel trip?" Eleanor asks, grabbing her Polaroid camera from the shelf.
"Yes! What's that you have?"
"This is a camera that takes pictures and sends them out this little shot. Here, let me take one of you right now and you can see." she takes a shot of Sally. Soon the picture emerges from the slot.
Sally's eyes are big when Eleanor hands her the picture, "WOW, this is a miracle! If I'd had a camera like that back in 1733, I would have taken a picture of Rev. Matthews at Mrs. Jones' house....."
"Bingo! Ready to go?"
Eleanor has her coin, and as the three women join hands in a circle, the air turns color and swirls.

It's early evening when they arrive. Lamps are being lit in the houses, and curtains drawn. Sally looks around her........yes, this is her hometown.......and right over there is the house of Ephraim Jones.
"See that window?" she asks Marilyn and Eleanor, "That stupid Mary Jones doesn't draw her curtains, she never does, foolish cow. So we can get a great picture."
"We can take a bunch of them!" Marilyn whispers as they stealthfully approach the side of the house that has the window to the bedroom. They slowly peek in and find that Sally's opinion of what's going on between Mary Jones and the good Reverend is right on target.
Eleanor positions the camera and takes a picture. As it emerges from the camera, she takes another, then another, and doesn't stop till she has seven incriminating photos.
Marilyn and Sally crouch down, not wanting to be noticed by anyone passing by. Sally whispers, "If they see Eleanor there'll be hell to pay!"
As soon as Eleanor is finished, she gestures for the others to follow her into a field where no one can see them.
"I got some real dandies here, girls!" she passes them around. Marilyn gapes, and Sally grins gleefully. "Now we deliver these?"
"Yes. Where should we take them. You know the best places, Sal."
"First, the Reverend's wife. They live over on that street..........follow me......"

When they arrive at the minister's manse, Sally tiptoes up to the front door and bangs on it. A lamp is lit in the front parlor and she can see the minister's wife approaching the door from the front window. She beats a hasty retreat and joins Marilyn and Eleanor behind the hedge that separates the house from the street.
The three women peer over the hedge. The woman opens the door and looks around for who banged, then looks down and sees the picture. She picks it up and takes it inside. Within 20 seconds she is outside again yelling at the top of her voice.
"She doesn't know what a photo is," Eleanor explains to Marilyn and Sally, "because they weren't common till after the mid 1850s, and then only professional photographers had the cameras. In 1733 there was no concept of a camera....."
"She may think it's witchcraft!" Sally whispers back, "Good!"
People from the nearby houses hear Mrs. Matthews screaming and come running out of their houses to see what the problem is. The woman stands there holding the photo only taking breaths between her screams.
The group approaches her and when they ask what has her so frightened, she just sobs and screams and holds out the photo.
One of the men takes it and goes to the window where some light is streaming out, to see it more clearly. Others cluster around him. Some of the women join Mrs. Matthews in screaming. The men's mouths drop open in shock.

As fate would have it, our gals see Rev. Matthew coming down the street, on his way home from his 'late church meeting,' so they crouch ever lower behind the hedge.
When he sees the group on the porch, he walks faster and uses his best ministerial voice when he approraches them, "What seems to be the problem, folks?" he asks jovially.
"LOOK!" one of the men thrusts the photo in front of the minister, who can't see it well because it's really getting dark out, so he takes it into the house where he can see. The group looks through the window at him as he takes a good look at the photo.
He turns it over in his hands. What is this dark stuff on the back? Must be the signature of Satan. He tries to rip it up but finds it tough going. He then goes to the fireplace and flings it in. The fire flares up momentarily, and emits darker smoke. Rev. Matthews sees 20 pair of eyes looking at him through the window and is frightened for the first time in a very, very long time. How can he explain the picture? How can he explain that his face is clearly visible, as is Mary Jones' face and that their activity has nothing to do with a church meeting?
He goes into the bedroom he shares with his wife and closes the door.

The group then moves off the porch, but our gals behind the hedge can hear them discussing the contents of the photo, even if they don't know what a photo is.
After everyone has gone back into their own houses, our three women then quietly go to three of those houses and slide other incriminating photos under the doors.
"Before we go, we must visit the church and put some in there," Sally says with a wicked gleam in her eyes.
They find the church unlocked and tiptoe in. Right in the vestibule they see a wooden box with a slot in it for collections. Sally slides a photo into it, then goes to the meeting room where the pews are, and slides four pictures into four hymnals, chosen at random. She returns, holding the last picture and says, "Let's keep this one as a souvenier!"
They join hands in a circle and are back home in the blink of an eye.
They burst out laughing......"OH, did you see his face?" "Good one!" "This oughta get him bounced out of town!"
Sally sits down on a chair, holding the last picture, looking at it, then up at Eleanor and Marilyn. "Ladies, I trust you now. Only you two, and maybe Celeste, but you stuck up for me. I owe you a debt......"
"You owe us nothing, sister-friend, don't you know we thrive on that kind of adventure? If someone wrongs one of our 'family' we set it right!" Marilyn declares.
"And I'm in your 'family'?" Sally asks.
"Oh yeah. And let me tell 'ya, kiddo, you're a much better pal now than when you were a ghost! I think we'll keep you!" Eleanor says, sitting down beside her.
"The three muskateers ride again!" Marilyn sings out, "Evil-doers, be afraid, be verrrrrrry afraid!"


GROUND RULES.......by Terri

Rosamond and John came in from the studio. Eleanor, Marilyn and Sally were high-fiving each other. Rose looked at Sally with disdain. "What is SHE still doing here?"
Eleanor said, "She's here to stay, Rose. We pulled her out of the 1700's and went back to exact revenge on the Reverend that was trying to run her out of town."

Sally jumped up. "What are you doing here, Gideon Walker? Did you get time-transferred here? I swear, if I could get away with it, I would drive a knife in your cheating guts! First you beat up Amy and then you would go down and pick up one of my dollies! You are a scum-sucking cur!" John raised his hands and turned to the girls. "I really don't know how to handle this one. I am NOT Gideon Walker. I am John Gwinnett and I used to live in Southold NY in 1640. I don't know any 'Amy' and I never beat up on a woman in my life. As far as the 'dollies'--that wasn't me, no, ma'am. Eleanor? You want to set her straight? Since you all are such good friends. See if you can convince her I am NOT this Gideon person. And now if you all will excuse me, I am going to sit outside, drink this beer and try to unwind. If you all are smart, you will leave me alone for the next hour." John grabbed a beer out of the fridge and headed outside.
Rose whirled on Sally Jennings. "What is with you? Are you demented? He's not this Gideon! He's my husband and if you lay one hand on my man, I'll take that Smith and Wesson and fill you so full of lead, you could become a fish sinker!"
El and Marilyn were so shocked they couldn't move or speak. Rose continued., "I'll grab his time travel coin and bounce you back into the eighteenth century so fast, your head will spin! Or if I am PMS-ing, I'll send you to Court and let you deal with Henry. He's a real piece of work. And when you DO get there, tell him Rosamond said hey. Oh, and thanks alot, you two, for coming to John's defense--NOT!"
Rose grabbed a beer for herself and headed out to join John.
Sally turned to Marilyn and Eleanor and said, "What's with Gideon and that little trollop? And if that isn't a working girl, my name isn't Sally Jennings!"
El and Marilyn looked at each other. "OK, we'll level with you. She was a mistress. Mistress of King Henry the Second of England. That is the former Rosamond de Clifford."
Sally looked out the patio window and saw John and Rose sitting on chaise lounges, holding hands and relaxing. "No kidding! Yeah, she's got that..look. But what is she doing with my brother-in-law Gideon?"
Marilyn sighed. "That is NOT Gideon."
Sally said, "He is a dead ringer for him. Are you sure? You aren't just tweaking my mind, are you?"
El said, "No, I'm not. But tread carefully around Rosamond. She and John just got married three weeks ago. They are so besotted with each other. She'd kill for that man". Sally made a face. "How can a woman be so stupid as to let a man rule her head and her heart? A woman has to think for herself. All you get is worked over."

El said, "Rose has been to hell and back for that man. Don't mess with something you don't understand, Sally."
El took Marilyn aside and said, "Marilyn, I've never seen Rose so off the wall about another woman being around John. What is with her?"
Marilyn shrugged. "I guess there are some women who take an instant dislike to each other. Maybe that's the case here. Rosamond is like a mother bear and her cub. I think she's upset with the way Sally tried to do a number on Bethia. You know how close she and Bethia are. Rose is loyal, if anything. Something else is bothering Rose, guaranteed. Something is going on...I just don't know what."

Rose curled up on the same chaise lounge with John. They had the patio fireplace roaring since it was chilly outside. He put his arms around her. Rose sighed. John rubbed her back. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Something is, better spit it out."
Rose bit her lower lip. "It's bad enough that Sally creature is here. She doesn't like me. She hates men, I think. And she tried to scare Bethia and Roger to death. I don't like that. I don't like her." John said, "You have to remember we'll be out of here before too long. But something else is bothering you." He tilted her face up to his and kissed her nose. "What is it?"
Rose frowned. "I saw Murphy the builder today. He had to pick up his wife at the Westchester airport today. Guess who was at the airport coming in?"
John shrugged with a quizzical look on his face. "How should I know?" Rose looked down and peeled the label off her bottle. "Billy Bob Montgomery. He's back. Oh, John, heaven help us....he's back in town!"


SUMMONING GIDEON........by Coralynn

Celeste returns from grocery shopping and asks, "What have you gals been up to? I can see something is going on.....I can feel negative energy."
Eleanor stood and stretched, "Sally thinks John is Gideon Walker, her horrible brother-in-law, that's why she attacked him before, and she verbally assaulted him just now when Rose and he got home. There is a storm brewing...."
"And it's not in the sky, is it? I think Rose and Sally have a mutual dislike. I can't fix that, but I can do one thing for you. I can summon Gideon Walker with my crystal ball."
Eleanor's eyes light up, "come on you two, we're going to do some repair work!" They follow her back into Celeste's room.
When she takes the cloth off the crystal ball, Sally gapes, "That thing really works, does it?"
Celeste smiles, "Watch and learn!"

She sweeps her hands over the ball and says softly, "Gideon Walker, I summon thee....." over and over.
Sally nudges Marilyn, "What a bunch of hooooey!"
"Shhhhhhhhh!" Marilyn shushes her, "watch and learn."
Little by little the face of a rough looking man appears in the globe.
"What'd'ya want, bitch?" he growls.
Celeste shakes her head and replies, "Are you the Gideon Walker who was married to Amy Jennings?"
"Yeaaahhh, what of it?"
"Gideon!" Sally is suddenly yelling, "You scum sucking bastard! You hit my sister Amy, and I hope you rot in hell!"
He sneers and fades out.
"Now do you believe us when we say John Gwinett is not Gideon?"
"Sure looks like it. Ya know, when I saw that ugly mugg of his appear in the ball ya got there, I thought 'hey, he looks like that John Gwinett guy, only not shaven,' but I can see John from the window, so you've proved it. Now, about that house you said you were going to help me buy....."


THE BIRTHMARK....................by Coralynn

"Anybody home?" Jerry calls out as he opens the door and steps inside., "Eleanor? I'm here with that family tree I was telling you about!"
Eleanor hastens into the vetibule. "Great, Jerry. We have someone here who would love to see it, I'll bet! Follow me."
Marilyn and Sally have just begun viewing "The Seven Year Itch" on video when Jerry and Eleanor come into the room. The two women look up. Marilyn smiles, "Hi Jer, have you met Sally?"
Jerry laughs and walks closer. He sees a dark haired woman with huge blue eyes, and extends his hand, "Hi there, Aunt Sally!"
She recoils from him, "I'm not your Aunt. You must be confused, young man!" and goes back to watching the movie.
Jerry sits down and looks through the papers he brought with him. There it is! He asks, "Did you have a brother named Samuel?"
"Everybody has a brother named Samuel!"
"This Samuel Jennings was born in 1690 right in this location.......parents were Ebenezer Jennings and Sarah Ingersoll."
Sally's expression changes to one of suspicion, "So have you shown up to claim part of their estate, is that it?"
"Welllll, they didn't leave much of an estate, as you call it, but they left a lot of descendants. You also have......" he reads off the family group sheet, "A sister Amy, a brother Timothy, a sister Elisabeth, one named Mary, and a brother Joseph. Do I have that right?"
"What's it to ya?"
"Your brother Samuel was my 8th great grandfather."
"You're making that up."
"Why would I, though?"
"You're a man, aren't you? Men make stuff up, they lie, they cheat, they....."

Jerry sighs and rolls up his right sleeve, which has been irritating his wrist. Sally grabs his arm and pulls it toward her. "What's this?!" she asks.
"Just a birthmark. Stange one, too; just three dark dots in a triangle."
Sally, who by now is wearing jeans and a long-sleeved blouse, rolls up her sleeve, and shows him an identical birthmark on her arm.

Eleanor exclaims, "Looks like you two are related! You don't even need DNA testing, you have matching birthmarks. What are the chances?"
"Nawwww, it's a trick!" Sally flings his arm away, "You drew those on there yourself."
Jerry makes a face and tells Eleanor, "She's not easy to deal with, that one. OH, here's Rose and John! HI! How's married life?"
Rose smiles at Jerry, then sends a withering glance at Sally, and replies, "Great. John and I want to take you and El, and Beth and Rog out to dinner next week. Have a night free?"
"Let me check my schedule. I'm sure I do. Depends on how many people make appointments to look at houses in the evenings. Let's tentatively plan it for Wedneday, OK? I can work around that."
"Good, we'll plan on it," John replies, as he and Rose walk to the front door, "Have to leave for an appointment. Catch 'ya later!"
They all smile and wave, except for Sally, who is now looking intently at Jerry.
"Houses?"
"I sell houses," he explains.
"I need a house. Can you get me one?"


MOVE RIGHT IN, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME---NOT!....by Terri

"OK, Wanda Sue, what is going on here? Why are you here?"
Wanda Sue put on her most innocent face. "What do you mean? I am moving in with my husband. Picking up where we left off fourteen years ago. By the way, you missed our fourteenth anniversary, you're going to pay for that one, Loverboy!"
Billy Bob shook his head like he couldn't believe his ears. "I've got news for you, swamp-sow, I've missed the previous thirteen anniversaries and never thought twice about it. You and I are NOT married. Not technically."

Wanda Sue arched her eyebrows. She said, "Oh, I beg to differ, dearie. Show me the divorce papers that says we are no longer in wedded bliss."
She picked up the envelope from Patrick O'Malley's office. "By the way, here's a little something legal-like for you."
Wanda Sue rattled the envelope like it was a pair of loaded dice.
"Give it here!" Billy Bob made a grab for the envelope. Wanda Sue held it back. He made another grab for it. This went on for several times. Finally she stuck it down her shirt. "Ya want it, ya gotta come and get it!" Billy Bob threw his hands up and exclaimed, "I don't want it THAT bad!"
Wanda Sue turned to Bobby Joe. "I've got a fantastic idea, Bobby Joe! I have an apartment that you can sublet! It's in a posh side of town..."
Billy Bob interrupted "Yeah, with the million you extortioned from me and that Gwinnett guy. And for all I know you blackmailed Rosamond so I may have paid you double!"
Wanda Sue threw BB a look of disdain. "As I was saying, it would be just a perfect place for you to entertain the ladies, cowboy! A little ropin' and ridin'! "
Bobby Joe rubbed his chin. "An apartment, huh?"
Billy Bob was standing behind Wanda Sue pleading with his eyes and shaking his head and clasping his hands in supplication.

Bobby Joe said, "As much as it is tempting, Wanda Sue, I think I will stay here so I can help with the ranch. Early hours, you know." Billy Bob made an exaggerated swipe of his forehead. Wanda Sue whirled around. Billy Bob stood there innocent as can be. "Can't you get the hint, Bobby Joe? I want to be ALONE with my husband!"
Billy Bob said, "Wanda Sue, we are NOT married. And if you insist on staying here, I'm moving out!"
Billy Bob looked up and blanched. "What--what-what-what-what--?"
Wanda Sue said, "What-what, darling? Oh, have you developed a stuttering problem? You never had that before. Guess the stress of Rosetramp marrying her stud did it to you."

Billy Bob pointed to his deer head. "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?"
Wanda Sue looked up. "OH! You mean Chester? I named him Chester. I figure he spent so much time staring at me, I had to give him a name. Yes. His name is Chester!"
''WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM...TO CHESTER?"
Wanda Sue tapped her fingers on her cheek. "What do you mean? He looks right fine to me!"

Bobby Joe stood there in amazement. He looked from Billy Bob to Wanda Sue like he was watching a pingpong tournament.
Billy Bob said in a fury, "His eyes are crossed!"
Wanda Sue said, "Oh, I worked for an optometrist for about a week. The proper term is strabismus."
Billy Bob yelled, "He didn't have strabismus when I shot him! Or when he was hanging in our den in Texas for the past eighteen years...and what is this white flaky substance?" Billy Bob grabbed a chair and peered closely at Chester. "What have you done, you idiot? This is...Superglue!"
Wanda Sue said, "Ohhhh...well, that certainly explains the reason why my hands looked like flippers for the rest of the day! I thought I had webbed fingers!"
Bobby Joe started to laugh until he caught the look of anger on Billy Bob's face.
He cleared his throat and said, "Uh, BB--I think I know a taxidermist that can straighten out 'Chester' s' face."

Wanda Sue sat on the couch, stretched her arms behind her head and put her feet up on the coffee table. "Oh, by the way, darling--Chester may have a slight infestation problem." Billy Bob snarled, "If he has them, guaranteed HE got them from YOU! Oh, this month keeps getting better and better!"
Wanda Sue said, "Oh, you're just not feeling very peart knowing that Rosetramp is getting..."
Billy Bob went into the bedroom and slammed the door.
Wanda Sue looked over her shoulder and picked up her beer. "Damn, he's so touchy!"
Bobby Joe looked at her like he couldn't believe her. "Why don't you leave him alone, Wanda Sue?"
She raised her eyebrow. "Hey, I'm the one who should be upset! He's cheated on me--his legal wife---by having a shack-up with Supertramp. Do you see me getting upset? Noooo...not me! I am rooted in here like a turnip!"
Bobby Joe just shook his head. Two's company, three's a crowd...it's gonna feel like a packed elevator. Yep, something has to give. Before there's a homicide!

RUMINATIONS.....by Terri

Billy Bob looked out his bedroom door. Good! She's gone! Bobby Joe was sitting at the table, going through his mail and drinking a cup of coffee.
"Where did that swamp-sow go?" he asked BJ.
"Who, Wanda Sue?"
"Do you see any other swamp-sows here? Of course, Wanda Sue!"
"Said something about submarining someone. How should I know, I don't pay too much attention to her!"
Billy Bob wandered over to where Chester hung.He assumed his best Godfather voice and said, "Look what they did to my boy!"
Bobby Joe started to laugh but ceased when he saw the look on Billy Bob's face. "Sorry. I know Chester means alot to you."
"His name is NOT Chester. Look at those eyes! Have you ever seen such a botched up job in your life?"
"It can be fixed, Billy Bob!"

BB walked over to his desk and picked up his mail. "That's odd--I usually get at least five pre-approved credit card applications a day. Not a one! Here's all my credit card bills. Damn, that little trollop I was married to sure was a big spender! Look at these credit card balances! Some of these charges were while I was gone. Look! Paris! She was ho-doggin' around with HIM--and using my credit cards to buy stuff! Now I have to pay for them because technically I wasn't dead and she was still my wife--or at least an authorized user at the time. This is really the pits!"
Bobby Joe bent down by the side of the desk. "Here! This was on the floor. It's legal."
Billy Bob took it. "Patrick O'Malley. She went for the big guns. Wonder if I paid for THIS, too?"
He ripped open the envelope. Inside was his decree of annulment.He picked it up with his forefinger and thumb and deposited it in the waste basket. Bobby Joe picked it out. "Hey, you'd better file this away. You may need it some day!"

Billy Bob opened his desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a glass and offered one to Bobby Joe. BJ shook his head no. He took a long drink, leaned back in his chair and said, "You know, I don't get it. You live with a woman, you sleep with a woman and you think you know her. But you don't. Turns out she's this stranger and you never had the slightest clue as to who she is. She was an enigma."
"Who, Wanda Sue?"
"NO, not Wanda Sue! Rosamond! Turns out she was a time traveler..."
"A WHAT?"
Billy Bob thought fast. "A two-timer. That's what I meant. What the hell went wrong, Bobby Joe?"
Bobby Joe thought long and hard. "I'm not an expert seeing the way Carolyn just up and left me, but I think you held on too tight, Billy Bob. You caught her at a bad time in her life. I talked to her quite a bit when you were dead.."
Billy Bob grimaced at that.
"...and she was involved with John before you even came on the scene. Something majorly went wrong. I think you were a transitional guy. You know what they say, if you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back..."
Billy Bob finished with "...hunt it down and kill it."
Bobby Joe shook his head. "I don't get you. Let it go. Why can't you?"
Billy Bob looked out the window. "Because I can't, Bobby Joe. I just can't. Because in spite of it all, I still love her."

Wanda Sue drove by the house on Winding Willow and parked at a distance. She unwrapped her Big Mac and popped herself a beer. Don't see hide nor hair of Belle.
Wonder if she got bounced back to Court or if she's in the witness protection program. Oh, ho! What do I see here? Looks like Miss Slutshoes and her main squeeze are going somewhere...and..there...they...go! Got a couple dogs, too. Thought they would have matching chocolate labs. Looks like...a lab, alright. Kind of like the dog that Billy Bob had..wonder what ever happened to that dog? Hey! What's going on? They weren't just walking their poochies, they turned into that house down the street. Wanda Sue drove by slowly. Hmmm....nice big house, too. Looks like she'll be the lady of the manor. Damn! Some women have all the luck. I sure wish Belle was here, at least I could bounce ideas off her. Maybe I could have fixed her up with Bobby Joe. I suppose somewhere....out there somewhere...is someone who hates Rosebud just as much as I do...and when I find her..LOOK OUT, ROSEBUD!


ANOTHER UNHOLY ALLIANCE..........by Coralynn

Sally Jennings' head is spinning from all the new things she's had to learn. For one thing, she has had to learn that when the phone rings, it just means you pick up the receiver and someone talks to you. This seems really weird to Sally, but when they put her on an extension after having dialed up Henry8's castle, she heard them talking to Henry, whoever he is!!
She sits surrounded by pages of real estate listings, another situation that has her mind reeling. How do you know what house you want by looking at these little pictures? Her reading skills aren't bad, but still.......'m/br/wba' means what??
El and Marilyn have gone out, leaving her with instructions that she is to stay where she is; not start an argument with anyone, and if Rose comes home to say nothing at all.
That won't be easy, she thinks, I really dislike that woman. She's so mooney-faced over that John guy, the one who looks suspiciously like Gideon Walker.....she makes me want to vomit. And mean! She's one mean customer. I'd sure like to bring her down a peg.

MEANWHILE, out at the ranch:

WandaSue giggles as she reaches for the phone. Hey, babydoll, let's contact Rosetramp and let her know she is missing out bigtime on the money. I'm BB's legal wife, and if we wants to be rid of me he'll pay dearly.....and pay and pay. She didn't get a nickel from her so-called marriage to him.
She dials the big house; listens to the phone ring several times, and is about to give up when someone comes on the line.
"Uhhhhhh, hello?"
"Hello! I wish to speak to Rose."
"Why would you want to speak to that horrible woman?"
WandaSue is puzzled: someone living at the big house calling Rose a horrible woman? My my, what a piece of good luck!
"Who am I speaking to, please," she asks in her friendliest voice.
"Sally Jennings. I'm new."
"But smart! Very smart. Why do you dislike Rose so much, Sally Jennings?"
"She's mean. She yelled at me because I attacked John.....who I swear is really my sister's husband, Gideon."
WandaSue scratches her head. This is an odd tale, but then isn't everything over at the big house a bit bizarre?
"Rose and John are sickening, aren't they?" WSue tests the other woman's attitude.
"Yes! A woman is stupid to marry and let a man rule over her..."
"Right! She gives away her power."
"Men are evil."
"They're good for getting money from and that's about all."
"I totally agree. I got money from them and now I'm going to buy a house!"
"Congratulations! You sound like a very smart woman."
"Oh yes, I am. They tried to run me out of town back in 1733, but...."
she clamps her hand over her mouth, because she's been told not to divulge that she's a time traveler, not to anyone.
"Well, isn't that just like men? A successful woman is such a threat to them that their only thought is to drive her out of town..."
"Rose is a stupid woman, though, not like me."
"Want to scare her good?" WandaSue gets a devilish idea.
"YES!"
"OK, Sally, my new best friend, go to where the frozen foods are. Just look around the kitchen and when you find some place that has super-cold stuff in it, look around for a package labeled fish."
"OK."
"When you find one, take it someplace where no one can see you, and lop off its head."
"Yeah, why?"
"I'm getting to that. Take the head of the fish and wrap it in newspapers, lots of layers of newspapers. Then, sneak it into Rose and John's bedroom. Put it on her pillow, or, if you don't know which is her pillow, make your best guess. The idea here is that she or John will see it and get frightened."
"Why? How can a fish-head frighten anyone, even a ninny like Rose? It's dead......now, if I put a live grissely bear in her bed, then she'd be scared."
"But live grissly bears are harder to work with, Sally, and harder to catch. Take my word for it.........they'll freak out when they see the fish-head. OK?"
"Welllllll, if you say so. I'll do it!"
"Good girl! Ya know, Sally Jennings, you and I could be a powerful force for the good of womankind. Now, whatever you do, don't tell anyone you talked with me, OK?"
"OK, sure."
"Copy down my phone number, it's 555-9824. Keep it in a secret place. You may want to phone me. I'll keep in touch with you, oh pal of mine!" WandaSue is fairly dancing around her room in glee.
"OK, bye."
Since everyone is outside, no one sees Sally go to the freezer, open it, find a wrapped package labeled 'fish,' open it, take the sharpest knife and lop off its head; put the package back in the freezer; wrap the fishhead in newspaper and tiptoe upstairs to John and Rose's room. She places it on one of the pillows, tiptoes back downstairs and waits for the fireworks to begin.


THE EXPLOSION...........by Coralynn

Sally continues to sit and look at the houses for sale on the listing sheets. She wonders just how much money she'll get from her box of jewels and coins. Celeste said she might get half a million dollars.
"Let's see," she rifles through the house listings, "This one costs $580,000. I guess that's less than half a million. Or is it? No, it's more. Hummm, how about this one for $320,000. Yeah, I could get that one. But it only has one bedroom. Oh well, what do I need extra bedrooms for anyway? It's not like I'm going to have company! Let's see now.....a bigger house makes the price jump to over half a million. I'd better stick with small........"
She sees Rose and John return, out of the corner of her eye, and resists the temptation to say something to them. El and Marilyn said not to say a word to her. But what if she speaks to me first? Nope, they're going upstairs to their room. Oh boy, wait till they see the fish-head.........I sure hope WandaSue was right, and that it scares them silly......"

William and Mike come inside from working in the garden, and are startled when they hear Rose screaming. What now?!
Rose and John come thundering down the stairs carrying something wrapped in newspaper. They rush into the middle of the living room and unfurl the newspaper on the coffee table. "WHO DID THIS?" Rose is yelling at the top of her voice.
William and Mike walk over to the coffee table and look at the fish-head that has been placed in the newspapers.
"Get in bad with the mob, Rose?" he quips.
"Not funny, William! Not funny at all! I know....." looking at Sally, "she did it!"
Sally looks up with the most innocent expression she can manage and asks William, "Did what?" Good, she thinks, I still haven't had to say a word to that Rosebeast.
Mike is confused, "Why would anyone put a fish-head in newspapers? Where'd you find this, Rose?"
"On my pillow!"
"Maybe the establishment ran out of chocolate mints and....." William is being relentlessly flippant.
"YOU!" Rose goes over and stands close to where Sally is sitting, "You did it! Don't deny it!"
Sally, ever the good actress, squeezes a tear out of her eye and looks pathetically at William, "William, why is she picking on me? I'm just looking at these houses....."
William becomes more stern, "Rose. You developed a dislike for Sally the moment she arrived here. I deplore your nasty attitude. How on earth would Sally know about wrapping fish-heads, anyway? She hasn't even been here long enough to see any Mafia movies! There is no way Sally could have done it!"
Rose glares at Sally, "I don't know, but I'm going to find out, and when I do, Missy, when I do..."
Marilyn and Eleanor walk in and hear the last part of this.
"What happened? Why are you yelling at Sally?" Eleanor asks Rose.
"LOOK!" Rose directs Marilyn and Eleanor to look at the evidence sitting on the coffee table. "She put that on my pillow!"
Marilyn and Eleanor ask Sally, "Do you know anything about this?"
"No!" Sally manages to cause tears to run down her face.
"She's too new to know the significance of something like that, Rose. She couldn't have done it," Marilyn reasons.
"You and Eleanor are turning against me! And it's all because of HER. I want her out of here......she's trouble!" with that Rose stamps back up the stairs, John close behind.

By now Sally has managed to work herself up into a real crying jag. Marilyn and Eleanor come over and put arms around her and soothe her.
William and Mike go into the kitchen to get something to drink. Mike turns to William and states, "I don't enjoy being the one who goes against everyone else's opinion, William, but I have the very strong feeling that Sally did put the fish-head on Rose's pillow."
"Nawwww, how could she know about doing something like that, Mike? She just got here yesterday!"
"I'm not sure, but I think she bears watching. Something is amiss here, I feel it."

Sally waits till Marilyn and Eleanor are out of the room, then dries her faux-tears and grins, "That WandaSue person sure is smart! Now, where did I put that phone number? Wonder what other good ideas she has."


FISH AND CHIPPIES.......by Terri

Rosamond slammed the bedroom door. It bounced back. "OW! What are you trying to do, break my face?" John hollered, rubbing his nose.
Rosamond whirled around. "Can you believe it? I can't! William of all people! I was his..his favorite! The daughter he never had, he said! John, he--he turned on me! Took that nasty-faced little simp's side over me!"
Rosamond whipped the sheets off the bed. John said, "Rosamond, darling, what are you doing?"
"I don't intend to put my head on a pillowcase that had fish guts on it, do you?"
"But it was wrapped in newspapers!"
"I don't care!" She carried the sheets and pillowcases over to the utility room on the second floor. She dumped detergent and bleach in the washer and pressed the "hot wash, hot rinse" button. "And when I finish this load, I'm going to wash them again. And again..and againl. Or maybe I'll end up burning them!"
John sighed. "Aren't you being a little...extreme, darling?"
Rose was decidedly upset. "What do we have to do now, start locking our bedroom door? We NEVER had a problem until SHE showed up! Damn the two of them, going back in time to pick her up!"

John was shocked. "Rosamond, I never heard you talk about El and Marilyn that way. Get a grip!"
Rose was ballistic. "I have had it up to HERE with the crap in my life! Henry! Daniel! Montgomery! Funerals! Now I have to worry about the catch of the day ending up in my bed? Un, un, I don't THINK so! I'm about ready to paraphrase Oscar Wilde's last words!"
John looked puzzled. "Oscar Wilde's last words?"
" 'Either that wallpaper goes or I do!' But it should be 'Either that pasty-face goes or I do!'"
John couldn't help but laugh. Rosamond was furious. "I'm SO glad you find this amusing, darling! But I fail to see the humor in it!"
"Oh, come on, honey! You don't have a price on your head, do you?"
Rosamond swore under her breath. "I certainly don't intend to high-tail it to Paris, if that's what you're driving at!" She flung the casement windows open and fanned fresh air in. Then she grabbed a can of Glade air freshener and emptied the full can.
John waved it away from his face. "Rose, that's WAY too much!" Rose continued to spray with another can. "More's the pity I don't have any Lysol or Febreeze!"

"For cryin' out loud, *cough* that's enough *cough*, Rose! What are you trying to do, asphyxiate me?"
She threw the second can, this one cinnamon fragrance, the first one being a citrus-mango, in the trash. Rose flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "What did I ever do to her?"
John stretched out on the bed next to her, picked up a lock of her hair and played with it. "I think your Doc Holliday impersonation did it."
Rose said crossly, "I don't know what you're talking about! A doctor? I didn't pull a stethoscope out and beat her with it! Although it COULD be like a rubber hose!"
John tried to keep a straight face when he saw Rose was distressed.
She complained, "And I can't believe El and Marilyn! I mean, El has been with me every step of the way! She was my maid of honor not more than a month ago. Now she's defected! What is with this Sally Jennings anyways? She hates men SO much! Could she be..."
John cut Rose off. "No, some women just hate men. They've been wronged and they're bitter."
Rose continued on, "And what she did to Bethia was inexcusable. What if Bethia had been so frightened she lost the baby? Knowing Beth she never would have come out of it. Neither would Roger. No, that Sally Jennings has to go. There isn't enough room in this house for us and her. What if she hurts the children? What of the dogs? Oh, and by the way, Chloe has an appointment to get fixed tomorrow. If Jake is anything like his former master, we'd better get it done like yesterday. We don't need puppies on top of the turmoil in our lives."
John got up and changed his shirt. "Where are you going, John?"
"That equipment we ordered in Paris is due in tomorrow. It sure took long enough but things were backordered. So I'm supposed to meet Rafe, Slim and Daniel at the gym and we are re-arranging things to make room for the new equipment. Are you going to teach the 10:00 AM aerobics class tomorrow? It's women only and I don't think Brad would be good at it. I know how you women are, you'll start talking about pregnancies and childbirth and monthly....."

"Don't say it! We talk about more than that!"
John grinned. "OK, you talk about your boyfriends and husbands. What slobs we are. How we are only happy with a remote in our hands. Our inability to commit."
Rose pouted. "We can fake...you know....but men can fake entire relationships! That and the lack of communication."
John buttoned his cuffs and said, "Verbal ability in highly overrated in a guy and it's you women's pathetic need for this that gets us guys in a heap of trouble every time!"
Rose's mouth dropped. "I can't believe you said that! Pathetic? PATHETIC?"
John leaned over and kissed her. "You know I was only kidding you. It's a very endearing trait in you women. It's what we love about you. You are so different. You drive us nuts. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Now--before I go--hand it over, Rose. You are PMS-ing and unlike Martha Stewart, it's NOT a good thing!"
"Hand what over?"
"You know."
"I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about."
"Yes, you do!"
"No, I don't!"
"Yes!"
"NO!"
John held out his hand. Rose scowled, "Oh, all right!"
She reached under her pillow and dropped it in John's hand.
"Thanks, honey. It's better this way."
As he was closing the bedroom door, she yelled out. "IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY AMMO, ANYWAY!"


PROGRESS REPORT.........by Coralynn

Sally spies the cellphone Marilyn left on the end table and wonders what it is.
"Looks like it could be one of those phones, but it doesn't have a cord. Didn't I see Marilyn talking on it, though? Must be a phone! Yeah! I'll take it outside so no one can hear. William left to go somewhere, so he's not out there working in his garden anymore."
Sally casually picks up the cellphone and goes into the back yard. She looks around and sees no one. Retrieving the piece of paper upon which she scrawled WandaSue's phone number, she carefully pushes the numbers in and waits to see if it works. Oh good, I hear ringing; that must mean something.
"House of ill repute: WandaSue here!" comes a cheerful voice.
Sally whispers, "I did it!"
"Whaaaaa? Speak up, I can hardly hear ya!"
"I said I did it!" Sally all but yells into the phone.
"Is this Sally Jennings?"
"Yes."
"You put the fish-head on Rose's pillow?"
"Yes, and she went nuts, yelling all over the house about how the place isn't big enough for the two of us."
She hears WandaSue laughing uproariously, "You zinged her! You did! You are a woman after my own heart! What did the others say?"
"Well, they kind of stuck up for me. Said something about how could I know about the Mafia since I've only been here a day or two. Whatever that meant; it made me look innocent. Of course I also acted like my feelings were hurt that she'd even think it was me who did it. But she still does, and she's madder than hell."
"You and me gotta get together sometime, old pal!" WandaSue says enthusiastically.
"I don't know how. People are watching me all the time. I'm out in the back yard right now; the only safe place. That house is crawling with people."
"They have people packed in that house like a can of sardines!" WandaSue exclaims. This means nothing to Sally, but she laughs along just the same.
"You need to get away from that house!" WandaSue continues.
"I'm going to buy my own house soon," Sally tells her happily.
"Your own house? Great! Then we can meet there! How long will it be till you get your own digs?"
"Digs??"
"You know, your own house!"
"I hope it's soon. That Jerry guy sells houses. Said we could go look at some tomorrow."
"Great! Now Sally.....what ya have to do is keep a low profile for the next few days...."
"Low profile??"
WandaSue exhales with impatience. Jeeeeez, this woman has a limited vocabulary!
"Don't do anything, don't say anything, just walk around with an innocent expression till we think up our next move. How are ya gonna pay for a house anyway?"
"I have a box of jewels I can sell. Celeste said they're worth half a million."
WandaSue whisles through her teeth, "You might want to do that soon!! The sooner you get your own pad the better, oh new best friend!"
"Pad?!"
"You know, your own place, your own house, your own private Idaho!"
"Idaho?"
"Forget it. Now, listen.......I won't phone you anymore, because there's a high risk that someone else could answer the phone, and would think it really strange that anyone would be calling you. So, you phone me in a couple days and tell me about how you sold the jewels and the house you picked out to buy. Then we'll lay a trap for Rose that will reallllllllly cramp her style."
"This sounds like fun, WandaSue! I'd better go now. Talk to you in two days."
Sally clicks off, pockets the cellphone in case anyone sees her enter the house, goes in through the back door, casually slips the phone back onto the end table in the living room, and resumes looking at the real estate fliers. Let's see, the one-bedroom over on Starter House Lane still looks like my best bet. Better see about selling those jewels, too. Maybe Eleanor can help.

She never saw Mike mulching the rose bushes around the side of the house.
He frowns and resolves to tell William that something mighty strange is going on with this newcomer.


WHAT, NO COFFEE??.....by Terri

John came downstairs and into the kitchen. Celeste and William were sitting at the table enjoying a cup of tea.
William blustered, "John, just what is going on with Rosamond? Is she on some new kind of Pill? Is this some sort of hormonal thing?"
John helped himself to a donut. "William, I am shocked--SHOCKED!--that you know about such things!"
William got red in the face. "She just seems to have taken an instant dislike to Sally. It's not like her."
John shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes you just can't figure Ro' out. That's what I love about her. Let her alone, she'll be OK. But I'd keep Sally away from her. Oh, and by the way, I took this away from her."
John reached in his pocket and took out the little pearl-handled Saturday Night Special. "I'm going to put it in the safe at work. That way she won't be so apt to go buy ammunition for it." He walked over to the coffeemaker and poured himself a cup of--nothing. He shook it. "Someone forgot to fill the coffeefilter."
Celeste bustled forward. "I'll have a pot made in a jiffy, John." He patted her cheek. "Thanks, 'Mom'! But I have to meet the guys at the gym. We have to move all that equipment. Jack, whiz that he is, whipped up a new floor plan on the computer. He and Hotspur are coming over. too, to help us move stuff. And we have painters coming in tonight after hours to paint. I'll just grab a cup of coffee on my way in."
Celeste looked outside. "The wind has really picked up, John. Better wear your jacket!" John laughed. "So much like my own mother, Celeste!"
John grabbed his leather jacket and keys. "Celeste. if you can, I'd appreciate it if you could find it in your heart to talk to Rosamond. I think this is a 'woman' thing." And with that, he left to meet the guys at the gym.


HOLY MOSES!!...........by Coralynn

Rose waits till John has driven off. She then searches through John's dresser drawers..........it has to be in here somewhere, she thinks, maybe under his socks? Nope. Let's see what this drawer has......underwear.....
She runs her hands under the piles of folded underwear and feels something.......grabs it and pulls it out. Bingo! His magic coin! He'll never miss it! I can put it back and no one will be the wiser.
Now, to set up my prey. She sits in that chair looking at those stupid real estate brouchures, it shouldn't be too hard to sneak up behind her. I'd better not go down the regular stairs, though. I know, I'll go out through the terrace and down that way, come in the back door. She can't see the back door from where she sits.

Rose follows her plan and oh so carefully sneaks up behind Sally Jennings, who has fallen asleep in the chair. Better yet! Rose thinks, she'll never know what hit her!

She hopes the coin is as sensitive as they said those new coins were......not needing three people, and if you just think of another time and place you're whisked away to it. This thing had better do just that!
She touches the back of Sally's hair and thinks "Moses and the 40 Year trek through the desert...now!"
She's amazed at how suddenly she and Sally Jennings find themselves in the desert. Miles and miles of scrubby sand stretches out before them. An occasional small, twisted tree can be seen, and lots of people dressed in long, filmy clothing. And it's HOT.
"Where is this?!" Sally is terrified, "Rose, you witch, what have you done?"
"Just a little time travel for you, dearie!" Rose tells her as she thinks, "back home.....now!" and disappears.
Sally is sitting on sand, and it's hot.....she can feel it through her jeans. She leaps up and finds a good sized group of people walking toward her. Ohhhhhh now what?! she thinks, who are these odd looking people?
There seems to be a leader, who speaks, "Are you here to walk to the Promised Land?" he asks.
"When pigs fly!" she answers, "I just got dumped here. Where's a water fountain; I'm thirsty."
"We know not of what you call a water fountain," the leader tells her, "but you can drink from this goat's bladder." He extends a disgusting looking thing toward her.
She coughs and pushes it away.
The leader gestures to one of the women, who approaches Sally with a get-up just like the other women are wearing. Sally pushes that away as well.
The leader then announces in a voice that would do well on a Broadway stage, sans a microphone, "Children of Israel......we go forward to the Promised Land! Follow!"

This seems to be the only game in town, Sally grumbles to herself and follows at a distance. Two of the women drop back to walk with her. "You will get burned by the sun if you do not cover yourself up," one says.
"How didst thou find us?" asks the other. Sally is beginning to wonder if she's stumbled into the midst of a bunch of Quakers. But no, the Quakers weren't silly enough to walk across a desert looking for someplace to live. Who are these people anyway?
"I just took a wrong turn on my way to the store and.......here I am!" she tells them flippantly, but with rancor.
"You have been honored! Our leader, Moses, spoke to you!"
"Ohhhhh jeeeeez, not Moses! Ya mean the fool who wandered forty years in the desert?"
"Forty years?" the first woman asks, alarmed, "No......he promised we would arrive in the Promised Land in 7 more full moons. He is a great leader."
"Uh-HUH!" Sally grunts out, "Well, ladies, it's like this: the guy is lost. Hopelessly lost. He won't admit this, because men never do. They drive,,,eerrrrrrr. walk around forever, pretending they know the way, but do they stop and ask anyone for directions? Noooooo. You should have a woman leading this pathetic pack! She'd find the way!"
The women look horror stricken, "But men are leaders; women are followers!"
"The HELL!" Sally says loudly, which draws the attention of a few of the other women, who join them to find out who is blaspheming. No one is allowed to say that word.
Sally looks at the four new women and says, "Overthrow the Oppressors! Take the yoke of subservience off your necks and live free!"
They look one to another, confused about what this woman is saying. Sally notices this and clarifies her last statement, "Men are fools, and never meant to be leaders. Now, you ladies, on the other hand, have more smarts than any of those goons you call men. Are you going to follow them across the hot, scorching desert? Are you going to follow them until you drop from thirst and exhaustion? I say, rise up and let us go our own way!"
There is some discussion amongst the six women. One of them tells Sally, "We shall follow you! But where are you going? Moses said he was taking us to the Promised Land? Where are you going?"
"I heard of a nice place named Bloomingdales.....now I have yet to visit there, you understand, but according to Eleanor and Marilyn, this place has everything! So who wants to go to Bloomingdales?"
The six women huddle together excitedly and tell her, "We do!"
One of the younger women then runs over to where some of the women in the major group are slogging it out across the desert, and soon returns with twenty other women.
So far the men have not noticed this defection, and Sally hopes they can get away before they do.
"Follow me, girls!" she starts off in the opposite direction to the way the men are heading. Several of the women say exictedly, "Onward to Bloomingdales!"

MEANWHILE: Rose sneaks back up to their room and replaces John's magic coin, dusts off her hands, closes the drawer and, smiling with satisfaction, goes downstairs to join the others.


THAT COFFEE PACKS A WALLOP!.....by Terri

Billy Bob and Bobby Joe had finished putting the horses out in the pasture. "Where's Wanda Sue?" Bobby Joe asked. "Who the hell cares?"
Billy Bob said. "As long as she's not in the same room with me, I can breathe. I swear, I lock my door at night because I don't know what she's capable of. Remember that movie 'Play Misty For Me?' Dang, that wacko reminds me so much of Wanda Sue! I swear, sometimes I sleep with one eye open because I keep seeing that scene where Clint Eastwood wakes up and there that wacko is, brandishing a knife and plunges it into his pillow just after he jumps out of bed! That movie scared the &*(^% out of me!"
Bobby Joe laughed. "She was a nutcase at sixteen. Not much of an improvement."
"No, but she's made up for it in experience. She's honed her nastiness to a fine art." Bobby Joe said, "I noticed the feed is getting low."
BB answered, "I placed an order last week. It came in last night so I'm going over to pick it up this morning."
Bobby Joe said, "I'm thinking of getting back into accounting. Two years off while I got my brains together after Caroline left is plenty enough time. I'm still going to bar-tend evenings at the Dew Drop. Ever think of going back there to play?"
BB shrugged and said, "Don't know. Lots of memories there."
Bobby Joe said, "You fall off a horse, you get right back on, right?"
Billy Bob said, "Yeah, I guess. I just don't want Wanda Sue following me there and announcing to everyone with ears that she's my wife. She's sooo embarrassing."

They walked into the kitchen and Billy Bob looked in the cupboard. "Aw, hell! No coffee! I'll have to stop and get some on my way to the feed store. I need something to get me going."
Billy Bob said, "That wind is really picking up." He slipped on his jacket. Bobby Joe said, "At least you still have that fleece-lined suede jacket."
BB said, "Yeah, it's a good jacket. But that leather one--I had it broken in just right. Cost me 1200.00, too. Damn, some lucky sucker has it now! I'll be back in a couple hours. If Wanda Sue comes back and asks where I am, tell her I fell off the end of the earth. Or tell her I went back to Texas, maybe she'll go trying to find me! I'm going to see a lawyer, too."
"But...aren't you a lawyer?"
"Don't you remember that old adage? ' The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient'? It applies to lawyers, too."
Bobby Joe said, "Shakespeare said, 'First let's kill all the lawyers' ! Maybe O'Malley would take YOUR divorce! He sure was good!"
Billy Bob frowned. "Yes...he certainly was!" and with that, he grabbed the car keys to the pickup truck and walked out the door.


John pulled his Corvette into the parking lot of Starbucks. I need some coffee to get me going, he thought. Never realized how dependent on it I was. He pulled the collar up on the leather jacket. Getting more windy. Looks like autumn has officially kicked in. He went up to the counter and scanned the menu.

Billy Bob was getting a headache. I HAVE to get some caffeine! He parked his pickup truck and locked it. Starbucks. Their coffee is always good, I'll just get it to go.

"I'll have a cafe latte, please. Large." John ordered. He stepped aside.
A voice from behind him said, "A red-eye, please. Extra large."
John thought, this guy is serious! That's three shots of espresso. Either he is clinically dead and needs a resurrection or he's working on a thesis and is pulling an all-nighter.

"HEY, THAT'S MY JACKET!!" John felt hands on the back of his jacket collar, whipping him backwards.
John didn't have a chance to turn around. "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! What the HELL....?!"
John spun around and faced his worst nightmare.
"YOU!!" They both yelled at the same time. Billy Bob started yelling. "That's my jacket! Where the HELL did you get it?"
"YOUR jacket? Are you nuts? It's MY jacket!"
Billy Bob tried to yank the jacket off John. "It's mine! That bitch of a wife of mine! I swear, I'll kill her! SHE GAVE MY JACKET AWAY!"
John doubled up his fist and pushed Billy Bob away. "I ought to punch your lights out for talking about my wife that way! Get your &*%%^$^ hands off me!"

Billy Bob was still trying to rip the jacket off John like you would try to take a snowsuit off a toddler. John took a swing at him and missed. They crashed into a table. The struggling continued with Billy Bob trying to disconnect John from the jacket and John pushing back. They crashed into another table and overturned two chairs. A businessman picked up his coffee at that time to take a drink. The two pugilists smacked into him and coffee splashed in his face. He sat there dripping.

The little Spanish girl behind the Starbucks counter started to scream. "POR FAVORE, YOU CANNA DO THAT INNA HERE!" The two guys working behind the counter stood there dumbfounded. One whispered to the other, "Is this about a jacket?" The other said, "Did he call his own wife that or the other guy's wife that?"
Customers were picking their coffee up off the table. One young man jumped on the table. A woman screamed and picked up her purse and started beating both the men over the head with it. Neither one of them noticed.

Billy Bob had John face-down on the ground and had the jacket around John's waist. He tried to yank his arms--either out of the sleeve or out of his shoulder sockets. Whatever it took. They started to roll around on the floor, knocking a trash can over and more chairs. People scattered out of the way.
One guy said, "My bets are on Leather there!" Another man said, "Yeah, but Suede here has the advantage. He's bigger." Yeah, but Leather is slimmer and more agile."
"Doesn't mean anything." "Yes it does!" "OH YEAH?" :"YEAH! Care to put your money where your mouth is?" "WHY, YOU...."
Two total strangers started duking it out.
From the tangle of bodies on the floor was heard, "&*%@^*" to which the other responded, "*&^$@*"

Officer Malone was sitting there at a table, ignoring the ruckus. He had two jelly donuts on his plate. Off-duty. He wasn't going to do a darn thing. John and Billy Bob, in a clutch, banged into the back of Malone. Malone fell face-first into his jelly donuts and came up with one on each eye. They looked like donut spectacles.
More crashing, more struggling, more swearing. Remarkably no blood was spilled. Because neither one had any desire to get blood on the jacket. And they both knew how hard it was to get blood out of leather. Somehow it never looked right again.
More people cheering them on. More people jumping onto tables. A customer opened the door, took one look at the melee and said to his companion, "Come on, let's go to the coffee bar at Barnes and Noble!"

In the distance, a squad car siren was heard. Little Miss Chiquita Banana had called the men in blue. Officer Travis McGee and Alan Carson got out and ran inside Starbucks. Travis had his gun drawn. Alan said, "Oh, for crying out loud, Wyatt, put that away!"
Travis called on the radio for back-up. Carson just stood there and surveyed the situation. Travis said, "Well, aren't you going to break it up?"
Alan walked over and picked up a coffee. "Yeah. In a minute. When back-up arrives."

He took a sip of coffee and watched the two men grappling on the floor, the jacket now twisted sideways. Billy Bob had his foot planted on John's butt and tried to yank it over his head.
Within a few minutes, Donatello and Scardaletti arrived. At that very moment, Travis stuck his finger in his ear and fired his gun into the ceiling.
"FREEZE!" No one paid attention to him. John and Billy Bob rolled right into Travis' knees and knocked him on his butt. A frappachino from a nearby table landed on his head.
Donatello and Scardaletti pulled Billy Bob off John, Carson yanked John to his feet.
Donatello said, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Two upstanding citizens brawling?"
Both Billy Bob and John started yelling and swearing, trying to tell their side of the story. No one was making any sense.
Travis stood there dripping frappachino down his face and into the collar of his shirt. He took a Dirty Harry stance and pointed his gun. Donatello calmly walked over, took the gun out of his hand, emptied the chamber and gave it back to Travis.
"NOW we're safe!"
The two brawlers continued to swear, the words 'jacket' and ''Rosamond' were interspersed. Donatello said, "Looks like we're getting nowhere with this. Carson? Want to do the honors?"
Carson sighed. "Hey! Listen up! Both of you! You have the right to remain silent..."
Miranda. Again.


MISSING..........by Coralynn

"Yes, Bethie, come on over. Sally has calmed down a lot and I think you might even enjoy getting to know her!" Eleanor says into the phone.
She hangs up and calls out, "Marilyn! Beth is coming over to meet Sally Jennings again. Is she up from her nap yet?"
"I don't know, I'll go look," Marilyn goes to her bedroom but returns rapidly with a worried expression, "She's not in there. Are you sure she meant to take a nap?"
"I assumed so because I haven't seen her in a few hours. If she's not taking a nap, I wonder where she is!"
"She could be exploring the house....come with me and we'll track her down. Ya know, she seems to acclimating to this timeframe very well. I thought she'd be more trouble than she's been."
Eleanor laughs, "Don't say that around Rose; she thinks Sally is the female version of the devil. If Sally didn't put that fish-head on Rose's pillow, and how could she have known to do that, I wonder who did?"
"Could have been that monster Daniel," Marilyn says with rancor, "That guy would do anything to break up her marriage."
"But how would putting a fish-head on her pillow accomplish that? Plus, have any of us actually seen Daniel in the house in the last few weeks? I haven't. William forbade him to come here."
"Well," Marilyn makes a wry face, "He's sneaky bastard.......I wouldn't put it past him to have slipped into the house when no one was looking."
"Whoever did it, Rose will never believe it was anyone other than Sally Jennings, though. She's raging mad."
As they talk, they walk through all the rooms of the house.
"I don't think she's in the house," Marilyn concludes, "Let's look outside."

They go out into the back yard where William has resumed his gardening, plowing under the remains of the summer vegetable crop. He stops his riding equipment when he sees them, "A-hoy! Who goes there?"
They both laugh, "Why the nautical talk?"
"It's such a glorious autumn day, I just feel like I'm riding this thing on the ocean. OK, so the red maple leaves don't resemble the ocean! It just feels like the ocean to me, ladies. What brings you outside? I thought you were helping Sally pick out a house from all those brochures Jerry left."
"Have you seen her? We can't find her, William!" Eleanor asks.
"Nor I. Did you check all the rooms of the house?"
"Yes."
They see Beth walking up the street and wave at her to come into the back yard. She walks briskly back to where they're standing talking to William, and asks, "Well, ladies, I'm here to meet the new, improved Sally Jennings!"
"We can't find her."
"You lost an entire person?"
"Looks like it! She's nowhere in the house, and William says he didn't see her come outside. Ohhhhh maybe Rose has an idea......" Eleanor flags Rose who she sees looking out the window.
Rose joins them, and seems a lot more relaxed than they had seen her in a couple days.
"Have you seen Sally Jennings?" Marilyn asks her.
Rose purses her lips and shakes her head slightly, "No. I thought she stuck to you two like glue. How did you misplace her?"
Eleanor sighs loudly, "Beats me! I'm beginning to worry now, too. What if she wandered off into town?"
"She's a big girl, she can find her way back!" Rose says breezily, smiling.
Marilyn pulls her cellphone from her pocket and says, "Could be at Henry's castle.......I'll ring him up."
Getting the cellphone out of her pocket, she accidentally hits redial, and when she puts what she thinks is a cold phone to her ear, she hears ringing. She makes a face and waits to see what happens.
"House of ill repute: WandaSue here!" comes the cheery greeting.
Marilyn quickly bleeps out.
"No answer at the castle?" Eleanor asks as Rose feigns interest as well.
"I hit redial by mistake and guess who answered the phone?"
The other two women shrug.
"WandaSue!"
"You mean that douche-bag that used to be married to Billy Bob?" Rose is amazed, "Why would she be on your redial?"
"Ya got me!!!" Marilyn is flummoxed.
"Let's go inside and chat," Rose suggests, "John is at the gym right now....won't be back for a while, so I have time for some heavy-duty girl talk!"
The three women link arms around the back and go into the house as William proceeds on with his plowing on this most beautiful of autumn days.


MEANWHILE: somewhere in the middle of the DESERT:

Sally is beginning to wonder if she made the right decision, refusing to wear the outfit that fully covered her body. She can see redness forming on her arms and fears that her face is probably alaze with sunburn as well.
She has never been so thirsty in her life. Or hot.
"Look!" one of the women cries out, "An oasis!"
Sally groans, those are supposed to be optical illusions, and are seen just before a person passes out and dies, buzzards circling in the sky waiting for the last little twitch of life to cease.
Since they're already walking in the direction of the so-called oasis, after while she sees that it does look like a place with water. Couple trees, grass, OK so the grass is scrubby, but better than nothing. They walk further and find themselves on an oasis.
Every one of them lies flat and puts her mouth into the water, pulling it in and swallowing as fast as possible. Sally does the same, then climbs into the water and just floats on it. Ahhhhhhh.
"What are you doing?" one of her companions asks, mystified.
"Swimming, do ya mind?" Sally begins to make strokes and move in the water. The other women look one to another, then one of the bolder ones throws off her outfit and plunges in. She sinks like a rock.
"Didn't yer mother ever teach ya how ta swim?!" Sally yells as she goes over and drags the woman to the shore and dumps her on it.
Soon several other women are disrobing. Sally holds up her hands, "Now, girls, if you're going to get into this water, you'd better do what you see me do or you'll sink to the bottom like whats-her-name did. Now, see this?" she illustrates some swimming strokes.
They all nod that they see it, then ten plunge in and all but two sink to the bottom. The other two are catching on.....one does the side stroke, the other the back stroke. The rest are surfacing, gasping for breath, then disappearing again beneath the water.
Sally gets philosopical......hey, it's the law of the jungle: only the fit survive! and swims on.


TAKIN' IT DOWNTOWN......by Terri

Alan and Donatello conferred, it was decided in the best interest of all to transfer the two gladiators in separate cars. Alan said, "Since I have Dennis the Menace with me, I think I'd better take Montgomery and you and Scardaletti take John. I don't want to run the risk of John pounding McGee into the ground. We don't need aggravated assault on a police officer on top of this." Donatello agreed.

Travis came back to the three other officers with handcuffs. Alan exploded. "Oh, for Pete's sake, you've GOT to be kidding!"
Travis got defensive. "It's regulation. Transporting criminals to the correctional facilities. Go look it up in the book. Section 135.8 of the..."
Donatello got in Travis' face and boomed, "Put those away or I'll find a new place for you to keep the key, McGee!"
Travis had the handcuffs hooked onto his belt loop. He leaned against the car and the other end of it accidently got hooked on the door handle of the squad car. The other three officers had gone back in Starbucks to talk to John and Billy Bob. The two scrappers were sitting on opposite ends of Starbuck's.
Travis realized what had happened. When he leaned over, the cuffs automatically closed. A freak accident. He looked around for the keys. They were on the front seat of the squad car, out of his reach. He tugged and tugged on the handcuffs. He tried to pull the belt loop off his pants. To no avail. He jumped up and down. He twisted and turned every which way. He tried to get Carson's attention without arousing the interest of the other two. Carson just waved him away.
Finally Travis realized what had to be done. He swallowed his pride and had to drop his pants right in the parking lot of Starbucks!

Chief Donatello explained. "OK, you guys have been read your rights. Anyone want to explain what was going on?"
Both the men glared at each other. Donatello said, "No? OK, let's take it downtown. Maybe we can sort it out there."
The five of them walked outside. There stood Travis in his boxers, trying to gnaw his pants belt loop off the handcuffs.
Carson just walked over, flipped his swiss army knife out of his pocket and deftly cut the loop off. He shook his head and said, "That's all you had to do."
Travis grabbed his pants and hopped on one foot trying to get one leg on. He fell forward. Alan said, "We'll wait for you in the car, Junior. Let us know when you finally learn to dress yourself!"
Donatello said, "OK, Gwinnett, you ride with us. Montgomery, you go with Officer Carson."
Travis finally got his pants on but when he leaned over to zip up, his tie got caught in his zipper. He was hunched over like Groucho Marx. Carson rubbed his hands over his face in fatigue. Again, he came out with the Swiss army knife. With one flick, he cut the tie. Except that half the tie was still hanging out of Travis' zipper. Some days you can't win for losing, Alan thought.
Billy Bob was quiet on the ride down to the station. Travis said, "Hey, remember when I busted you for DUI? That was before you became dead!"
Montgomery just stared out the window and said flatly, "Yeah. I remember it." Yeah. So long ago. Seems like another lifetime.

In the other squad car, Donatello asked, "OK, John, what started it?"
John sighed. "Darn if I know. He's obsessed with this jacket. Claims it is his."
Scardaletti said, "Where did it come from?"
"I don't know. My wife--then my fiancee--gave it to me. I don't know where she got it but since it was nice and broken in--distressed leather, I guess you would call it--I thought she may have found it at the lost and found at they gym. It's comfortable and it fits pretty good--just a little large."

The squad cars pulled up at the same time. Travis got out and waved his gun around. "Don't try any funny business--when I say 'FREEZE' I mean it!"
Donatello said to John, "I had to take his bullets away. He shouldn't be around pointed objects!"

When they got inside the station, Donatello said, "Sorry, fellas, but I have to put you in these cells. I'm sorry they are across from each other instead of side by side. Now you'll be staring at each other. I have to see a judge to see how much your bail is set at. Judge Anderson is across the street in his chambers. Won't be long. Then you get your one phone call."

John laid down on the cot on his cell and folded his hands behind his head. Billy Bob paced back and forth. John finally exploded with "WILL YOU STOP THAT DAMN PACING? YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
Billy Bob yelled, "I"LL PACE ALL I WANT! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PICKING UP FEED!"
John yelled back, "YEAH, WELL, I GOT THINGS TO DO, TOO! I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND THEN YOU STARTED PULLING MY JACKET OFF!"
"YOUR JACKET? Guess again, Gwinnett! That ex-tramp of mine had no right to give you my jacket!"
"TRAMP? TRAMP? If I weren't in this cell, I'd bust you right in the chops for that! That's my WIFE you're talking about!"
"Yeah, well, she was my wife, too! Till you stole her from me! I could forgive the jacket. That's just the last straw!


MEANWHILE, back at the BIG HOUSE....by Coralynn

Bethia, Eleanor, Marilyn and Rose are laughing over something cute little Will said, when Rose looks at her watch and comments, "We've been talking for hours now! How fun, just like old times! But I wonder why John hasn't returned. All he had to do was tell some guys how to position new equipment at the gym; he should be done. He'll miss dinner if he doesn't get back soon."
Celeste comes into the room and smiles, "Just like old times, aye gals? It does my heart good to see you enjoying each other. Where's that new one, though? Sally something or other, the ghost one."
Rose laughs inwardly and thinks, 'scorching her buns off in the desert!' but looks innocently at Celeste and comments, "We were wondering the same thing, Celeste. You haven't seen her, either?"
"No, and it'll be getting dusk soon. Think we should call the cops and file a missing person's report?"
"Let's give it a little more time," Eleanor tells her.
Celeste goes back into the kitchen thinking, "Rose knows something that she's not about to tell. Well, it'll all work out, and, if worse comes to worse, I have my trusty crystal ball..."
"It will be dusk soon!" Rose is impatient, "Where's John? He's never this late, especially for a meal!"


HONEY? A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE GYM.........by Terri

"Yeah, well, she was my girl before she was your wife! So technically YOU stole her from ME!"
"Get real! She jumped at the chance to marry me!" BB yelled.
John taunted, "Yeah, and after three days she was itching to get OUT! Way to go, Montgomery!"
"If these bars weren't here..."
"What? What? Bring it on!"

Just then Alan Carson came back and stood in the corridor between the two jail cells so he faced both of them. "OK, let's get the story. John, you go first!"
Billy Bob muttered, "That figures!"
Alan said, "What did you say?"
"Nothing!"
John explained, "I was on my way to the fitness center. I stopped at Starbucks to get a cup of coffee and this big ox started pulling on me from behind, claiming the jacket was his and pulling it off me. He started insulting Rosamond and it just kind of escalated from there."
Alan turned to BB. "Want to tell your side of the story, Montgomery?"
"With pleasure! That bitch took my jacket while I was vacationing in France and gave it to her gigolo there. Well, now I am back and I want the jacket back! And I want to charge him with receiving stolen property."
Alan held his hand up. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law. As far as receiving stolen property, it wasn't stolen. Since you were in France and everyone assumed you were dead, to me it becomes 'abandoned property'. But I don't think there is a precedent on jackets and I'm not about to get a judge's ruling on it. Come on, guys, it's just a jacket! One of you give it up."
Both gave a resounding "NO WAY!"
Alan threw up his hands and said, "Then you settle it between yourselves. But no more public fisticuffs! Your bail has been set at 1000.00 each because you were brawling in a public place. Someone could have been hurt. Now--you each get one phone call. Montgomery? You go first."

Alan unlocked the jail cell and walked with BB to the phone. He dialed the guest house. Come on, Bobby Joe! Pick up the phone!
*RING!*
A voice he dreaded picked up the phone.
"Montgomery's Pleasure Palace--where your satisfaction is our main concern! Madam Wanda Sue here, what can I do you for?"
Billy Bob snarled, "What do you think you are doing, dirt-bag? Put Bobby Joe on!"
Wanda Sue said, "No can do, Sweetheart! He had a date and left. He may not be back until tomorrow. Reason I know this is because he went pretty heavy-handed on your aftershave! So where are you, snooky-ookums?"
"None of your business!"
"Oh really? Then how come your Caller ID said 'Westchester County Jail Station 359' huh? Answer me that one! Ohhh..now I get it! You're in jail and you need to be bailed out! What did you do, rustle cattle?"
"Get real, you heifer!"
"And the reason you are calling is that you need bailing out, right?"
"Not by you! I'd rather spend the night in jail!"
Just then the drunk in Cell #16 started screaming and swearing, wanting the officers to get those pink elephants out of his jail cell.
"On second thought, come down here and get me out."
"Say please."
Silence. After a minute, a reluctant, "Please."
"Say 'Pretty please. With molasses on it."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"OK, but you have to take me out to dinner. And I don't mean McDonald's. A place with waiters"
Billy Bob crossed his fingers and said, "Yeah. Just get your wide butt down here and get me the hell out of here."
"Ok, sweetie--just let me get dressed!"

Alan led Billy Bob back to his jail cell.


Rosamond looked out the window. Still no John. She paced back and forth.
El said, "For heaven's sake, Rose, call the gym. See if he's left yet."
"But I don't want to make it look like I'm checking up on him. It was different when we were going together. Now that we are married, it would look like a game of 'I Spy'. Guys hate that. That's what Cosmopolitan says."
Bethia said, "You still reading that? Isn't that kind of like running for the bus after you've caught it?"
Rosamond said absentmindedly, "Call it a remedial course. You're never too old to learn something new." She began to wonder if she was being punished for zapping Sally off to new horizons.
Marilyn said, "Well, I'm going to call him. No sense in having you a basket case. Or wearing out the tile."
Marilyn called the gym. She covered the mouthpiece and said, "Hope I don't get Daniel....Hello? Oh, Slim! Hi! It's Marilyn....just fine....did John leave yet?....Really?..no, he didn't say.....Ok, I'll let you know what I find out....no, no, I'm sure there's a logical explanation...yes..OK, Bye!"
Marilyn replaced the receiver and frowned. Rose grew anxious. "What is it, Marilyn?"
"It's John. He never showed up at the gym."

Alan unlocked the door to John's cell. "OK, it's your turn now, John." He led John to the phone.
*RING!*
Marilyn grabbed the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, Marilyn, it's John. Could you put Rose on?"
Marilyn breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness! Your wife is a basket case! Let me put her on."
"John? Where the HELL are you?"
John pulled the phone away from his ear. "Darling, there's no need to shout."
Billy Bob was in his cell, laughing to himself. Good--now HE'S catching hell from her!
Rose took a deep breath. "I thought you were in an accident. I thought you got kidnapped. I thought someone shot you..."
"Like Billy Bob Montgomery?"
Billy Bob's ears perked up. What? What about me? Is she still thinking of me?
"Honey, if you'll calm down..."
"I'm calm. I'm calm. WHERE ARE YOU??"
"I'm in...er, I'm in jail."
"Oh thank goodness...WHAT? JAIL? What trumped up charges did McGee fabricate against you? I swear, I'll have his weinie ass in a sling!"
John was shocked. "Rosamond, would you listen to yourself? Where is the refined woman I married? You sound like a dockworker!"
Billy Bob chuckled. He's just NOW finding out?
"OK, John, I'll calm down. What happened?"
"I'll explain later, just go to the ATM and get a thousand dollars out."
"I'm on my way."

Rose turned to the girls. "Could you girls watch Julie? I've got to go bail John out of jail."
The girls all started talking at once. "What?" "How?" "What did he do?" She put her hand up. I don't know--but I don't like the sound of it!" She slipped into her leather coat and grabbed her purse. As she walked out the door, she took her car keys off the hook. She sighed. "It's always something...." and walked out the door.


"Trouble with the little woman, Gwinnett?" Billy Bob said as John walked back to his cell.
"Shut up, Montgomery. Who's she going home with, huh? Answer me on THAT one!"
Billy Bob shut up. Wanda Sue came barreling in. "Oh ho, my little Stud-muffin! You look like you could use a friend!" She turned to Travis and looked him up and down. "Mmmm..the police force keeps getting cuter and cuter!" Travis turned red. But he was flattered.
Alan Carson came up to Wanda Sue. "And you are....?"
"Mrs. Montgomery. Wanda Sue Montgomery, at your service!" Wanda batted her brown eyes. Alan said, "Please, have a seat, Mrs. Montgomery. Your son was involved in an altercation...." "My son? MY SON? I'll have you know that is my husband!" Wanda Sue's ego balloon deflated. Alan looked questioningly at BB. "What was it, a whirlwind courtship?"
Billy Bob put his head in his hands and just groaned. "No, this is my first wife. Who was supposed to be my ex-wife fourteen years ago."
Wanda Sue peered over at the jail cell across from Billy Bob. "Well, it's Johnny-boy as I live and breathe!" John gave her a mock salute. Wanda Sue plopped her oversized butt down. "OK, Copper, what are the charges?"

Alan cleared his throat. "The charge is creating a public disturbance. Unless Mr. Gwinnett here wants to press assault and battery charges. Which he may want to think twice about, since Mr. Montgomery could do the same. Bail has been set for 1000.00. I am sure restitution will have to be made to Starbucks for damage to--" Alan picked up a list---"five chairs, broken. Three tables, broken--one in half--an espresso machine, a cappuchino machine--looks like the foam-thingy is damaged--drycleaning bills expected from seven customers--twenty pastries knocked over at 3.00 per pastry--and a couple other miscellaneous charges."
Wanda Sue grinned at Billy Bob. "Like old times, isn't it, snooky-ookums!"

Rosamond slammed her Miata into a parking place and walked briskly into the station. She walked up to Travis McGee's desk and slammed her fist down. "OK--I've had a hellacious day and you aren't helping it any! I'm hungry, I'm irritable, I am PMS-ing and I have cramps! What trumped up charges do you have now, Officer McGee?"
Travis stood up to her. Dang, her perfume smells good, and those little tendrils by her face, I want to just...he snapped back to reality. Frostily, he said, "Mrs. Mont--er, Mrs. Gwinnett, your husband is in a holding cell. If you will follow me..."
"Damn right I'll follow you! If you've fabricated anything, I'll have your badge!"
She walked into the retention facility, took one look at John in a holding cell, looked over at Billy Bob in another one and said, "Awww....HELL!"
John smiled sheepishly and said to Rosamond, "Nice imitation of Daniel, darling!"
She looked from John to Billy Bob. "I guess this day of reckoning was bound to happen." Rose didn't see Wanda Sue as she had gone to the ladies' room.
Billy Bob jumped up and said, "Hey, you gave away my jacket, you b---" Rose yelled back, "If you hadn't done your disappearing act, Houdini, you'd still have it!" To John she said, "What is going on? Just WHY are you in jail?"
John tried to explain, "I was in Starbucks minding my own business, when.."
Billy Bob jumped in with, "..he came in wearing MY jacket that YOU gave to HIM! I want it back!"
Rose stood there with her hands on her hips. "So you decided to take what belongs to you? Now WHY does this sound so familiar, Billy Bob?"
Billy Bob said, "You had no right to give away my jacket...bad enough that you had a yard sale, you sold my stuff dirt cheap, too. Couldn't wait to get rid of my memory, huh?"

Rosamond threw her hands up and walked over to Alan Carson's desk. "Alan, what are the charges?"
"Creating a public disturbance, Rosamond."
"What's his bail?"
"Which one?"
"Which one. Which ONE? Who do you THINK I'm bailing out? John's bail. Billy Bob is on his own."
"John's bail is a thousand dollars."
Rose drew out ten 100.00 bills. "That should be it. When's the hearing?"
"In a couple weeks. I'll let you know."
Alan walked over to John's cell and let him out. He whispered to John, "Looks like you are going to catch hell when you get home!" John muttered, "Don't I know it!"
Alan then walked over to Billy Bob's cell and unlocked his door."You too. You're out of here."
Rosamond whirled around. "Why are you letting HIM out?"
Alan said, "Because someone posted his bail five minutes ago."
Rose heard a voice from behind her.
"Well, hello, Babydoll #2!"

IT'S 'BLOOMINGDALE'S' BABY!.........by Coralynn

"OK, now, how are we going to eat? Anybody have any ideas? My stomach in rumbling!" Sally Jennings looks around the remaining group of 18 women, the ones who didn't plunge into the water, plus the two who learned how to swim.
Mara, of the huge, flowing robe, offered, "I was the cook for the group! I have food sequestered in the large pockets of my tunic!"
All the other women become excited and gather round her.
"NOT so fast!" Sally takes charge, "We have to dole this out slowly! Show us what you have, Mara."
Mara puts the dried meat and fruit on a cloth spread out for this purpose, and they all see what appears to be food for several weeks, considering their number has dwindled to 18. This cheers the women in the group and they each reach for some.
"NOT so fast!" Sally warns, "This has to last us! Now, Mara, give each person just enough for today and no more. We'll be living on this oasis for a long time....."
"But you said you were taking us to.......uhhhh.....Bloomingdales!" one of them yells out.
Sally grins, "This is Bloomingdales!"
"HUH?!" is the group response.
"This place has water. Now we have some food. We need more.......anyone here know how to hunt wild beasts?"
Several women say they do.
"OK, wonderful. Now, with us having both food and water, we can set up a trading post. Caravans traveling across the desert will have to stop here to water their camels, right?"
The others agree and look eagerly to Sally for the next part of the plan.
"So, we charge them for the privelege!"
"They've been doing it for free forever! What makes you think they won't just push us aside or, worse yet, attack us?"
"Oh they won't do that!" a woman named Sarah pipes up, "It would be against the Code."
Sally looks dubious, and asks , "What Code?"
"Well," Sarah explains, "The desert caravans have a strict code that forbids them from attacking women. They may attack men and do so all the time. But women are off-limits!"

"A-ha!" Sally is enjoying this more all the time, "So if we say 'pay up' for the water, they have to because of their Code?"
"Yes! They may pay us in gold coins or in trinkets, whatever they have the most of."
"Hmmmmm," Sally thinks, "Why does this remind me of my former life in 1733? I'm really in my element here!"

"We'll have to put up a sign," Sally announces, "There's an old board over there, God knows how it got here, but it looks about right for our store.." she goes over and hauls the board over under a tree and takes out a ballpoint pen, which is quite a novelty for the other women. She writes in large bold letters "B L O O M I N G D A L E S" then adds under the name, "under new management"......and wedges it between the branches of a tree.
Standing back to admire her creation, she smiles and thinks, "Rosebeast thought she sent me to a time and place that would be the end of me! Well, I'll show her! At least I will if she ever shows up again, or if anyone ever shows up again. In the meantime........"

MEANWHILE: at the house on Winding Willow:

Marilyn is worried. "Celeste, it's getting dark and Sally Jennings is nowhere to be found. I'm calling the Cops!"
Eleanor agrees, "For her to be gone this long she would have to have run into foul play!"
Celeste ponders this and tells them, "I agree you should call and file a missing person's report. While you do this, I'm going to see what I can get in my crystal ball."
Bess and Marthy have been informed of the recent disappearance, and go with Celeste to see what great things she can find out with the ball. Having a magic person like Celeste in the house is an endless source of delight to the two young women.

Marilyn phones the Police as Celeste and the two younger women sit around the little table that holds the crystal ball. It doesn't take long for it to show clouds after Celeste asks to see Sally Jennings, wherever she is.
The fog and clouds begin to clear away. Celeste sees Sally sitting under a tree with a sign in a tree directly behind her that reads, "Bloomingdales." Celeste tries to get Sally to answer when she calls her name, but the other woman seems oblivious to her entreaty. Celeste sees other women in the ball.....they're dressed in long flowing clothing. But as the ball goes dark again, Celeste still isn't sure of Sally's location.
"I'll try again soon, girls, let's go back and tell Marilyn and El."
Marilyn has just hung up from her call to the police. "Did you get anything in your crystal ball?"
"Now, this is an odd one: she's sitting somewhere under a tree with a sign overhead that has the word 'Bloomindale's' scrawled on it. But I can't pinpoint her exact location."
Marily and El both exclaim, "Bloomingdales?!"
"Yes, and written in smaller letters under that it says 'under new management.'"
"I don't know, Celeste! Think this means she's alive? Should we cancel the missing person's report?"
"No. Lets come at this from every angle. The crystal ball may be on the fritz....it went blank very quickly, which is not usual...."

"It's late, too! HEY, where's Rose?" Marilyn asks, her forehead furrowing. "She's been gone too long a time for just getting John out of jail! What on earth did he do to land in there anyway? It doesn't sound like John to be hauled off to the pokey!"


SHOWDOWN!!!!.....by Terri

Rose turned slowly. There, up close and personal, stood her nemesis--Wanda Sue Skaggs Montgomery. Rose smiled slowly. John knew that smile. He had seen that smile once or twice before. His blood ran cold. He thought to himself, uh oh, Rose has that 'don't mess with me' look on her face. The face of an angel, the soul of a vixen.
Wanda Sue took a quick assessment of Rosamond. Her hair, her makeup, her figure, her clothes. Yeah, pampered and spoiled. Johnny-boy has pampered and spoiled her, Billy Bob certainly didn't help matters any.
Rosamond said cooly, "So...Miss Skaggs. We meet at last."
Wanda Sue said, "Yes. It's about time., Babydoll #2." Wanda Sue got out a cigarette and lit it.
She smiled that devious smile. "I've heard so much about you, I feel I know you. As close, intimate friends." She inhaled deeply and blew her cigarette smoke in Rosamond's face.
Rose said, "I know exactly what you mean. Intimate friends."
And with that, Rosamond decked Wanda Sue on the spot. Wanda Sue went down like a bunch of wilted celery.
Rosamond said, "That's for putting a tape-recorder under my bed." Wanda Sue struggled to get up.
Before John or Billy Bob could stop them, Rose took another swing at Wanda Sue and missed. Wanda Sue grabbed a hank of Rosamond's hair and pulled. Rosamond grabbed the collar of Wanda Sue's shirt and ripped it off her shoulder. Wanda Sue bunched up her fist and tried to connect with Rose's nose. Rose deftly moved aside and Wanda Sue connected with Rose's shoulder. Rose jolted back and then took a boxer's stance and shuffled her feet back and forth, fists doubled in front of her face.

Billy Bob stood there in shock. John just shook his head, folded his arms and leaned back against the cell. Billy Bob asked him, "Aren't you going to help me break it up?"
John shook his head. "You don't know Rose very well. Let her get it out of her system."
'You've seen this before?"
John yawned, "Oh, yeah. Best to keep your hands and feet away from it. It will exhaust itself."

"Come on, Babydoll, is that the best you can do? WIMP!"
Infuriated, Wanda Sue made a grab for Rosamond's hair. Rose extended her nails (read: claws) and scratched Wanda Sue's face. Wanda Sue pulled harder on Rose's hair and dislodged the twistie that held her hair back. Rose's hair came tumbling down around her shoulders.
Rosamond yelled out, "OK, Now I'm REALLY mad!"
Wanda Sue grabbed the neck of Rosamon'd sweater and totally stretched it out.
Rosamond connected with Wanda Sue's nose and blood gushed out of it! Wanda Sue instinctively put her hands up to her nose. "You bitch! You broke my nose!"
Rose still danced around Wanda Sue on the balls of her feet. "Give up? DO YOU YIELD?"
Wanda Sue tried to stop the stanch of blood. "Yield? Get a grip, Rosepetals! This isn't 13th Century England!"
Wanda Sue took another swipe at Rosamond who deftly kicked Wanda Sue's legs out from under her. Wanda Sue landed on her butt. Rosamond stood over her with her foot planted firmly on Wanda Sue's chest.
She said softly. "Give it up, Babydoll. It's over. You lost!"

Wanda Sue grabbed Rosamond's foot and twisted it. "OW!" Rose went down like a pile of bricks. They rolled around on the floor. Billy Bob leaped onto the bars of his cell trying to get out of the way.
John asked casually, "Rose, darling? You almost finished? I'm famished!" Rose gasped, "Not *gasp* by a *gasp* longshot! When I get through *gasp* there won't be nothing *gasp* left of her!"
John said, "Well, wrap it up, hon, we gotta go! And hey! NO BITING!" As the two continued to roll around on the floor, pulling and pushing and scratching.
Alan Carson and Travis McGee burst in.
Alan grabbed Wanda Sue and Travis tried to grab Rosamond. Rosamond pushed him into the bars and accidently got racked....there. As he bent over with his eyes rolling backwards in his head, Donatello came in and grabbed Rosamond.
Donatello yelled to John and Billy Bob, "WHY DIDN'T YOU BREAK IT UP?" Billy Bob had no answer and John said, "Have you ever tried to break up a catfight?"
Both men shook their heads. John said, "Then don't judge us!"
Donatello hollered out. "You both are under arrest! Carson? Again?"
Alan Carson sighed. "Alright! Ladies? Cats? Whatever--*sigh* You all have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you. You have the right to a lawyer---and a saucer of milk---If you cannot afford an attorney...."


THE CUSTOMER............by Coralynn

Mara scans the horizon and announces in a loud voice, "I see a small caravan approahing!"
The other women look out, and sure enough, two camels with riders are kicking up sand from the desert.
"They're riding hard! Their camels will be thirsty!" Sally says cheerfully, "You ready for our first customer?"
As the two riders arrive at the oasis and dismount, the women try to remain calm, but there's an undercurrent of excitement and expectation and perhaps just a tinge of fear.
Sally strides forth boldly and greets them with, "Greetings from Bloomingdales Oasis. We offer water for camels and people in exchange for coins or jewels or trinkets. What have you, friend?"
The first man smiles warmly, but the other one frowns and proceeds to lead his camel to the watering hole. The 18 women stand around it so that he can't get close enough to give his camel a drink.
Sarah states, "You must pay for the services of Bloomingdales. See the woman over there for details." she finishes and is relieved that she was able to get that all out without showing her fear.
He grumbles and goes to where man #1 is standing with Sally, placing some gold coins in her hand. She gestures that he may now water himself and his camel, which he proceeds to do.
Man #2 is second in command to Man #1 and know he has to follow the other's example, so he places a few cheap trinkets in Sally's hand. She turns them over and looks closely at them, checking to see if there's a 'made in China' label anywhere on them. Nope. They look first-rate, at least for cheap trinkets, so she allows him to pass.
After the two men and the two camels have quenched their thirsts, they return to Sally and the one in charge asks, "Have you any women in your midst who would like to become part of my harem? I am off to my summer residence, and, since I have only two wives, I feel the need to add to my family."
Sally sighs loudly. Here we go again!! "I doubt that! Why would any woman in her right mind....."
She's cut off my one of the very young women calling out, "I will! I will! Choose me! Choose me!"
Sally walks over to her and says, angrily, "Why would you become a servant to this man? You would lose your freedom."
"But he wants another wife, not a servant!" the other protests.
"I see no difference!" Sally states what she thinks is the obvious, "But if you're foolish enough, don't let me stand in your way!"
The young woman approaches Man #1, who looks her over closely and then grabs her, swings her up on the camel, mounts the beast himself, and, gesturing to the other man, who follows, rides off in the same direction they saw Moses go.
Sally shakes her head as she sees the 17 remaining women whispering and gossiping about whether or not the young woman did a wise thing.
"Now listen up, and listen up good!" Sally surprises them with a loud voice, "I don't want ONE more woman defecting to the enemy, ya got that?? We stand to become rich and independent if we hold out and collect gold and trinkets from these stupid men riding across the desert, Is anyone else dissatisfied with this situation? If so......"
No one says a word.
"That's more like it!" Sally yells. "Time for our daily volleyball practice! YOU, string up that net a little higher, and YOU, pick a cocoanut. If anyone misses a shot and the cocoanut breaks on the ground, then that person is out of the game. We'll play till we have just two women standing, or.......until we totally run out of cocoanuts!"


LITTLE JAILBIRDS......by Terri

Donatello raised his hand to stop John and Billy Bob from following. "Would you gentlemen please wait here?"
John fumed, "Oh, this is just GREAT!!"
Alan Carson and Chief Carmine Donatello took Rosamond and Wanda Sue in for booking. Wanda Sue had a torn shirt, a bloody nose, and scratches down her face.
Rose had a black and blue mark on her cheek, a stretched out sweater, and scratch marks on her face also. Travis McGee moaned and walked behind them hunched over.
Donatello unlocked the door to a cell and bowed to them both. "Ladies? I'm sorry the accomdations are not exactly the Waldorf Astoria, but it is the best we have. With any luck you two will be out in a couple of hours.
Rose and Wanda Sue looked at each other. Rose said, "You've GOT to be kidding!"
Wanda Sue balked like a horse afraid to go into a travel trailer. She braced her feet on either side of the cell door and clutched at he bars. "No! NO WAY! That's like a Cage Match on the WWF--I watch wrestling, I know what this means! You're gonna let her finish me off!"
Alan and Carmine peeled her off the cell bars like those stupid Rubbermaid daisies on a bathtub floor. The avocado ones. You know what I mean. The ones we ALL had.
Rosamond pushed Wanda Sue aside and sat on the cot. "WIMP!" she hissed at her.
Donatello and Carson pushed Wanda Sue in and quickly shut the door.
Alan said, "Carmine? You want me to go across the street and get the bail set for these two lovely ladies?"
Carmine snorted, "No way, Jose! I'LL be the one to go. You baby-sit them. I need the peace and quiet at my age. I only have seven years to retirement." And with that, Carmine popped four Tums in his mouth.
Wanda Sue sat on one cot, Rose took the other. Wanda Sue snarled, "Well, Miss Rosebutt, you don't look so classy now!" Rose leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I may not look so good but I look a heck of a lot better than you, skank!"
Wanda Sue said, "I should sue you for assault and battery!"
Rose opened her eyes and said, "Get real. Look at yourself and then look at me. Who's going to believe YOU? Face it, sweetie. I get what I want. Always."
Wanda Sue shut up.

John and Billy Bob sat outside the police station on opposite sides of the bench.
After a few minutes, Billy Bob stood up and said, "I don't know why I'm still sitting here. I'm free to go."
John looked up. "You aren't going to bail your wife out of jail?"
Billy Bob looked at him with disgust. "She's not my wife. That's only a technicality. Personally, I hope they lock her up and throw away the key. She blackmailed me to the tune of a million dollars."
John said, "OH, that's right! The business of the bigamy that you managed to keep from Rosamond so you could hold on to her like grim death!"
Billy Bob put his hands in his pockets. His breath came out into the cold air like frost. To match the frost in his voice. "Yeah. Like the business of you and she...how shall I say? Committing adultery."
John retorted, "You have to be married to commit adultery. Don't you?"
Billy Bob got out his cellphone and called a cab. He turned to John and said, "I'm getting out of here before I say something we may both regret!" With that he turned and walked into the building.
Billy Bob went up to the desk. McGee moaned and sat there with an ice pack between his legs. "Ohhhhh" he moaned. Billy Bob winced, partly in sympathy.
Carson said, "Here's your hearing date. November 14th. Ten o'clock. Want us to let you know when your wife's bond has been set?"
Billy Bob said, "Don't bother. She's YOUR problem now. I finally get a good night's sleep." And with that he walked out of the police station.

Eleanor looked out into the darkness. "I don't know where they possibly could be!"
Will came into the room. He tugged on El's shirt. "Aunt El, where's my mommy and dad?" Eleanor gave him a big hug. "I think your daddy's car broke down and Mommy went to pick him up. I expect they'll be back any minute. Meanwhile, Grandma Celeste just made you that cocoa. So skedaddle into the kitchen, Will."
Eleanor turned to Marilyn. "Honestly, I could just kick those two in the butts. They probably stopped off for dinner somewhere and left us hanging!"
Just then Eleanor's cellphone rang. She grabbed it quickly. "Hello? Sally?"
John said, "No, not Sally. It's me. I have a....situation here."
Eleanor groaned. "John, since when DON'T you have a situation! Are you still in jail?"
"Not exactly."
"That's like not exactly being pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. Which is it?"
"I'm out, Rose is in."
"In what?"
"In jail."
'WHAT?"
John winced and held the phone away from his ear. "Rose is in jail for the same charge I was.Creating a public disturbance. In one word--brawling."
'Brawling. Rose? The woman who won't open a box of cereal because she may break a nail?"
"Yep--same one. She took on Wanda Sue Skaggs. El, you should have seen her!" John had an awesome pride in his voice.
El said, "Having your wife knock the stuffing out of someone is nothing to be proud of, John. How long is this going to take?"
"I don't know. I have to wait for her bail. How are the kids?"
"Will is getting anxious, poor kid. Julie fell asleep on Marilyn's shoulder. She just went down to bed."
"I'd better go. I see Alan coming this way. We'll be home as quick as we can."
Alan sat down on the bench. He grinned at John. "She's a scrapper, isn't she?"
John laughed. "Yep--wouldn't know it to look at her. Guess she bested old Wanda Sue! Has her bail been set yet?"
Alan stretched out his legs. "A slight problem. Judge Anderson is unavailable. Half the judges have the flu, the other half are off-duty and incommunicato. I'm sorry, John. Looks like Rosamond and Wanda Sue have to spend the night together in the cell until tomorrow morning!"

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