AUGUST IN NEW YORK...

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THE CONTEST............by Coralynn

William steps off the scale. He has had to buy one of those official scales with metal bars that you slide from place to place, which distressed him. Not only did it cost a young fortune, but it reminds him that he is too heavy for a normal bathroom scale.
"A-aha! I lost 50 pounds in one month!" he congratulates himself, "Now to go over and see how Henry is doing....."
He strides purposefully over to Henry8's castle, feeling slimmer and less like a waddling duck. He rings the bell, and this time Henry opens it right away.
"Come in quick William! I have something on the go in the kitchen. Come see!"
William follows him way back to where the kitchen is located and is aghast. Oil is all over the place.
"What in God's name are you doing?!" he asks.
Henry smiles broadly and pulls a bunch of stuff up from the deep fryer. "See? I deep-fry that Jenny Craig 'food' and it tastes so much better! Here! Try some!" he scoops some up in a spoon and extends it toward William.

"No way!!" William laughs, "You must have added 400 calories to each bite by deep frying it. The instruction booklet didn't say you could get away with that!"
Henry places the 'food' on a plate for himself and digs in, "Ahhhh, this is delicious! And, my friend, you are going to lose this contest because I'm eating twice as much of this weight-loss goop as you are. The more of it you eat, the more weight you lose! Only stands to reason!"
"No, no, Henry.....that's not right. If you eat twice as much, you consume twice as many calories. How much weight have you lost this past month anyway?"
"Three whole pounds! Bet I'm ahead of you, my friend!"
William shakes his head in disbelief, "You are so far behind you'll never catch up. I've lost fifty!"
Henry raises his gaze from his plate to William's face. William can see that the other man is desperately searching for something to say.

"I have it!! All your weight has been water weight!" Henry concludes with satisfaction.
"I don't know about that, Henry, but if the first fifty pounds are just water weight, why haven't you been able to lose it as well?"
"Why? William, I am surprised at you! You, olde pal, are fat and water. I, on the other hand, am all muscle!" he flexes his biceps to prove his claim.
William chuckles, "Our contest is about who can lose the most weight, regardless whether it's water, fat or muscle, Henry. Looks like I'm ahead. If you want to catch up, you'd best stop deep-frying the food you got from Jenny Craig. But, on the other hand, keep doing it, it only makes me more likely to win."

"I should be dropping about one hundred pounds all of a sudden, though," Henry persists in his claim of superiority.
"You are a piece of work, my friend!" William claps him on the back, "Have you heard we're going to have another of those His and Hers slumber parties in a few days?"
"Yes!! I'm looking forward to hosting the Men's party! Is someone making up a list of questions for us to answer?"
"Marilyn, the party expert, is doing so as we speak. I think some of the others over at the big house are helping. Which reminds me, I'd better get back over there and censor some of those questions. Those women get carried away if they're given too much say-so! See you later, Henry, and remember........no more deep frying!"

William walks back outside and strides back to the big house. He thinks, I'm a shoo-in to win the contest! Poor Henry! He is so clueless! Fun, yes, but clueless!"

He goes back to the big house and sees Marilyn, Rose, Eleanor, Bess and Marthy sitting around the dining room table laughing. Marilyn looks up and says cheerfully, "William! Come here, see what you think of the questions we'll be asking at the parties!"
He sits and waits for them to be read.

"OK, here goes: #1: Describe your stangest dream.
#2: What is your largest regret?
#3. What is your best flirting technique?
#4. How many times have you been in love?
#5. If you found a Genie in a bottle, what one wish would you ask?
#6. If you could cast a spell or curse, what would it be and on whom would you cast it?
#7. Go around the room and describe everyone, one by one, in one word, using the first letter of their first name. As in: Beth= beautiful. Like that."

He stokes his chin thoughtfully, "That's seven questions, Marilyn. It's going to take quite awhile for everyone......we have ten men coming to our party at Henry's castle, so that's at least 70 responses to the questions."
Eleanor pipes up, "Maybe this time they'll be too worn out to play any more tricks on us. You are going to discourage them from doing another panty raid, aren't you?"
"I didn't encourage it the last time, Eleanor, but you know what they say: 'boys will be boys'!"
"The difference is: this time we're ready for them!"

William resolves to tell the men that the women are on guard, and, from the look in Eleanor's eyes, they'd be wise to stick close to the castle.
He gets up and smiles at Marilyn, "As usual, Marilyn, you are the consumate party planner! Proceed!" and he goes outside to tend his roses.


EVERTHING BUT AMERICAN EXPRESS......by Terri

John was busy going over employment and payroll records when Rosamond came in. "Hi, honey, how's it going?"
Rose threw her script on the desk. "I can't concentrate on these lines by myself. Darling, I need you to run them with me."
"Sorry, love, but I am in the middle of an insurance general liability audit. This has to be done by tomorrow."
Rosamond grew frustrated. "John, I thought we were a team! I can't possilby bounce these lines off myself. I need your input!"
John was a little testy. "Darling, really! I HAVE to get this done! Why don't you go play in the park like a good little girl?"
Rosamond looked at him incredulously. "I can't believe you said that!" She stood up.
"You are beginning to sound just like my ex-husband!" and with that she slammed the door and peeled out of the parking lot.
John sighed. Rosamond, you are one high maintenance woman! I suppose this is going to cost me.

Rosamond pulled off into the parking lot. She dialed Celeste on her cellphone. "Celeste, how's the baby?" "Oh, she just went down for a nap, Rose. And William just dropped Will off at school."
"I have a slight problem. I need to go over my script and John is not co-operating. So I am at the park and I am going to sit here in the peace and quiet around the lake and try to concentrate. Which will be hard since I am ticked off at him!"
Celeste said, "I'll hold down the fort! Julie's tooth has broken through."
"IT HAS? Wonderful! I'd call John but he has more important things to do! I'll be home in about an hour."

Rosamond got out of her car and grabbed a blanket out of the backseat. She grabbed her bottled water and headed down the grassy slope. Funny--I thought I heard a noise in back of me. Huh! Just my imagination! Spreading her blanket out, she laid on her stomach and tried to read the script, highlighter in her hand. Let's see...if Daisy says it THIS way....Brad would say it THAT way...is it really that breezy out? I hear leaves rustling...oh, I just can't concentrate!
"Well, well...if it isn't little Miss de Clifford!"
"Hotspur! What are you doing?"
"Jogging around the lake. I've been running every day now."
"How are things at the blue house? I really miss seeing you."
"REALLY, ROSAMOND?" Hotspur moved close to her.
"Whoa, big fella! Let's not start this again..."


Damn! I can't hear a word they are saying! Travis McGee said to himself. He reached into the back of his car and got out some sunglasses and a ballcap. He put them on.
Good thing I am undercover! I love these stakeouts for hookers! He whispered into his wire. "Malone? I'm in the park now, and I'm keeping a lookout."
"MMFFHH?"
"Malone!" Travis hissed. "Are you eating those jelly donuts again?"
*gulp* "Uh,...no."

Rosamond sat there with Hotspur. "...John and I used to read off each other... I used to do this by myself with no problem but I am out of practice now. And with the family problems..."
Hotspur said, "You want I should read these lines with you?"
"Oh, Hotspur! That would be wonderful!"

Travis got out of his car. He wandered over to the bench near the blanket where Rose and Hotspur were stretched out. He's sitting awfully close to her. Look at the way she's touching his arm...the Enquirer was definitely right about her! Travis pulled his ballcap low on his face and started to throw bread to the ducks.

Rose handed Hotspur the script. "OK, I'll read my lines and you do John's part. It is labeled 'Brad' and I am 'Daisy'. Now here's the setting...'Daisy' and 'Brad' have split up and she goes back to her former career..."
"What's that?"
"She's a prostitute."
"A what?"
"A strumpet, a doxy, a trollop.."
"OH! Like what you used to be, Rose...."
"Thanks alot for that, Hotspur! I really needed that! Look, why don't we scrap the 'Daisy' and 'Brad' part and we read the part where 'Daisy' is upset and sits in the bar and runs across this guy in a bar..."
Travis ambled over to a closer bench.

Daisy: "So, it's been a long time since I've seen you."
Tom: "Too long, baby."
Daisy: "Looking good, honey. What say we do a little business."
Tom: "Honey, I can't afford you any more."
Daisy: "I am sure we can come to some...agreement?"
Tom: "Inflation taking its toll all over, sweetie."
Daisy: "Let's say half the usual price. You can't get a better deal with anyone as high class as me."
Tom: "What about your...uh, manager?"
Daisy: (laughing) "I am an independent now!"
Tom: "Supply and demand, huh?"
At this point Rosamond threw her arms around Hotspur and drew him close. She breathed, "You demand and I supply...sound good to you?"
Tom: "You still take major credit cards?"
Daisy: "Everything but American Express..."

At that moment, Travis jumped up and waved his badge and his gun in their faces. "POLICE! You are under arrest for prostitution...and YOU are under arrest for solicitation of a prostitute. MALONE!" he yelled.
Malone came out of the bushes, brushing white sugar off his dark blue uniform and wiping his hands on the seat of his pants.
"Cuff them."
"What?"
"I SAID CUFF THEM! I have it all on cassette tape!"
Rosamond jumped up. "You have really flipped out now, McGee."
Travis put the handcuffs on Rosamond and Malone cuffed Hotspur. As usual, it began with, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used you in a court of law...."


THE FUGITIVE.............by Coralynn

Billy Bob comes out of his hotel room slowly, looks right, then left down the hallway to be sure no one is near. No Belle, to be specific. He's wearing a trench coat and a big old-fashioned hat that would look appropriate in old Humphrey Bogart movies, which, he's hoping, will be enough of a disguise that he'll be able to move freely around Paris without encountering WandaSue or Belle.
He shudders. The last time Belle accosted him, throwing her arms around him, he was able to shake her off forcibly and run into his room and lock the door. It wasn't pleasant that she continued to bang on the door for the next fifteen minutes, but at least he was safe. For then. But what about now?

Obviously Paris doesn't cool down for another couple months, but I'm just going to have to wear this getup, even if it looks ludicrous, he thinks.
He steps outside and goes to a newstand. Tourists on a double-decker bus go by and some point to him and discuss who he might be, an international spy? Humphrey Bogart come back again? He can hear the buzz from where he's standing, holding a paper, which he then holds in front of his face. This only makes the tourists more curious. The bus then moves on. He fligns down the paper onto the stack from which he'd taken it. Gads! It's boring. Waiting for word from Jameson that it's safe to return to the United States is wearing on his nerves.
He walks to some stores that feature men's clothing in the window. Hmmmmm, that's a sharp looking suit! But I have closets-full of them at home. Or do I? Didn't Jameson say that Rose donated my clothes to the Salvation Army or something like that? I could return home to find my closets stripped! Better buy something decent to take back with me.

He enters the store and examines the suits. High prices, but the materials used are excellent. He takes three of them and wanders around looking for a changing room. He has to ask the woman behind the nearest counter, who is not proficient in English. Somehow she gets the idea and points to the corner in the back. Ahh yes, he thinks, there it is! and goes back, entering a fitting room and closing the door. Nice mirrors, and regular lighting, too, not that fluorescent stuff that makes your complexion look green.
He takes off his trench coat and then all the casual ware he had worn under it, placing them carefully on hangers. He takes the pants from the first suit and puts them on. These are great, though they'll have to be let out a couple inches in length, now let's see about the jacket.......
Just as he lifts the jacket off its hanger, the door opens slightly. "I'm in here changing and I don't require any assistance," he tells the saleslady. The door opens wider, and it isn't a saleslady, it's Belle!
He quickly grabs his hat and places it in front of his face. Too late, she knows it's him.
She casually sits on the upholstered chair in the fitting room and smiles up at him, "I think the blue would be better, darling. That grey one does nothing for you!"
He takes several deep breaths and tells her, "Madame, you are to leave this room now. If you do not, I will call for the gendarmes to come remove you."
She smiles smugly, gets out a cigarette and lights it.
"You can't do that in here!" he all but leaps across the room, grabbing it out of her mouth.
Just as he does that, the door opens and a salesman enters, sniffing. He sees BB with the cigarette in his hand and then points to a notice on the wall. The notice says that if anyone lights up in a dressing room they will be arrested. The salesman blows a whistle and police are immediately on the spot.
In rapid French, the salesman tells them that BB lit a cigarette, which is pretty obvious, as he's still holding it. There's nowhere to put it out. He is glancing around desperately looking for a place to toss it, but there is none.
The salesman relieves him of it and walks away with his nose in the air.
The two policemen put handcuffs on BB and shove him out of the dressing room, through the store, and out into a squad car. Since the suit he has just put on still has the electronic tags on it, that sets off a loud clanging sound inside the store.
The saleslady he originally talked to, comes running out and sees him in the suit for which he has not paid and begins to tug it off, yelling at him in French. He can tell she's angry, even if he can't understand what she's saying.
The Police keep trying to get him inside their car and the saleslady keeps tugging at the suit. This seems to go on forever.....and by now BB hardly cares who wins. The police finally tell the saleslady they'll talk to her later; she can file a claim against BB for stealing, yes, yes. BB is then pushed in the car, the door slammed hard. As the car pulls away from the curb, he sees Belle standing outside the store, waving and smiling. "MERDE!" he yells. The younger cop turns around and smacks him on the head with what looks like a nightstick.
Oh swell, BB thinks, "I finally think of a word in French and it has to be that one!"

"But officer, she lit the cigarette, not me!" BB is desperately trying to convince the one policeman who speaks English that he is not guilty.
"So she came into your fitting room and just lit up?"
"Exactly! I know how I can prove it.......I don't carry any cigarettes on me. Search me....I have none!"
"But you're wearing a stolen suit, not your own clothes!"
"That's right. OK, then, let's go back to the store and I'll show you my own clothes! How about it?"
"It would help a lot if we could be sure your lady friend was the guilty party," the policeman ponders, "Have any idea how you could arrange that?"
"Wellllll, she follows me wherever I go, so it stands to reason she'll show up!" BB is warming to this idea.
"OK, then, let's go back to the store," the cop says in a bored voice, "and see if what you say is true."
They ride back to the store, and upon entering, BB looks in every direction for Belle. Doesn't see her. With my luck she won't be anywhere near here, he thinks, which is ironic. The one time I need her to appear, she probably won't.
The policeman asks the saleslady if the clothing the gentleman he is escorting wore into the store initially are in the fitting room or have they been removed.
She drags a large plastic bag out from under her counter and shoves it at the cop.
BB sighs audibly. This is good, this is a step in the right direction.
The cop rummages around and finally just dumps the contents all over the floor, then feels through it, all the pockets, everywhere. He turns to BB, "I don't see any cigarettes anywhere. That's in your favor, but we have to catch the woman before you're really off the hook."
"Tell ya what, officer. If she sees you it may scare her off. Can you remove your cap and maybe your jacket so you don't look like a police officer? Believe me, she follows me everywhere!"
The cop finds that a reasonable request, so he does so and to look even more casual, puts on a Hawaiian shirt. He views himself in the large mirror and smiles.
"Do you plan to buy that shirt?" the saleslady asks him.
"I may, I may. And, by the way, this gentleman is returning the suit which he didn't plan to steal."
"But he's worn it!!" she protests.
BB doesn't want any hassle, so he proffers his credit card, which is eagerly snatched up by the saleslady who runs it through, then pushes a paper toward him for him to sign. Just as he is about to sign it, he spies a thin blond outside the store, peering in the window. He drops the pen and runs out and grabs her.
"I beg your pardon!" a very stylish thin, blond woman yells.
"I am so sorry, Madame. I thought you were someone else!" BB is embarrassed.
"This guy bothering you, Miss?" another cop approaches them. BB feels like shrinking like a turtle into a shell.
"Never mind!" she says angrily as she stomps off.
BB returns to the inside of the store. The cop is now sitting in a chair reading a magazine. "How much longer do you think we'll have to stake out this place?" he asks lazilly, turning the pages.
"Hopefully not much longer. Believe me, officer, she follows me everywhere!" Two hours later the cop has read every magazine in the place and is beginning to fidgit. BB has an idea, "Tell you what. Come to my hotel and I know she'll show up. She must think that's where I went!"
"Oh alright," the cop gets up, stretches, retrieves his uniform, pays the saleslady for the Hawaiian shirt and escorts BB back out to the patrol car. It's a short drive to BB's hotel.

"OK , ace, now what?"
"Keep the Hawaiian shirt on. Like I said before, she'll bolt if she sees your uniform. Now, if we go up to my room and you hide somewhere, I'll let her come into my room and hope that she lights up a cigarette. She does quite often, you know. No, of course you'd have no way of knowing that."
"Just because she lights up means you're off the hook? That isn't an air-tight alibi!"
BB throws his hands out to the sides, "It's the best I can do, Officer. I mean, if I obviously am not a smoker, and she IS, and we were the only two people in the fitting room, then..."
"Can't arrest her for that! No one but you saw her do it!"
"Then don't arrest her, but at least let me go. I'm innocent!"
"I'm beginning to believe you. OK, let's do what you suggested and see what happens."
They go up the stairs instead of the elevator. When they reach the right floor, they peek down the hall. The coast looks to be clear. They tiptoe to BB's room and he unlocks the door.
Plumes of smoke hit them both in the face. "Whaaaaaaa....?" BB wonders if the room is afire.
Then they see her, standing in the middle of the room, stark naked, a cigarette dangling from her mouth.
"Ohhhh my God!" the officer is shocked, "Buddy, all charges are dropped. Bye now! Gotta get home to dinner! Wife is waiting for me! Good luck!!"
The policeman runs back down the stairs.
"OUT!" BB is livid with rage by this time, "Get out of my life, you miserable, twisted, chain-smoking witch!!"
She gets a twisted smile on her face, "Ya know ya love it, big boy! Come to mama!"
BB thinks he may have a stroke if this demented person doesn't leave him alone. He gets right up in her face and says, through clenched teeth, "If I ever see your miserable face again, I swear I'll kill you! I'll take you to the nearest window and throw you out! I'll push you off the top of the Eiffel Tower should you ever appear there......I'll put arsenic in your tea.......I hate you! Go away!"
She slips into a sundress and continues with the twisted smile, "But if you kill me, I'll just have to hunt you down in our next lifetimes......and I will......I will never give up. You resist me, but you know we're meant to be!"
He goes in the bathroom and locks the door. He counts to 10, then to 100. He waits awhile to give her time to leave. When he finally opens the bathroom door a crack and looks out, she's gone. The door to his room is still open, however, so he quickly slams it and locks it.
He picks up the phone to the reception desk, "I need to pay my bill here, can you tally it for me? I'll be down in an hour!"
He sits on the bed thinking, now where can I go? Where can I hide? Damn!!! If only Jameson would phone and tell me the coast is clear, the Parker gang has been caught, then I could go home!
He lies back on the bed and is almost instantly asleep.


HOOK 'Em, BOOK 'Em, COOK 'Em!.....by Terri

Rosamond and Hotspur sat in the back of the squad car.
Rosamond yelled at Travis McGee. "YOU ARE MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE!" She took her foot and kicked his butt repeatedly under the seat. He leaned over the front seat and said, "Keep it up and I'll charge you with assault on a police officer!"
Rose said to herself, yeah, buster,you got the first three letters right---ASSault!
Hotspur leaned over to Rose and whispered, "Hey, what is solicitation?"
Rose whispered back, "He thinks you were trying to buy me."
"Buy you? English noblewomen are not slaves."
Rose gave him a look of disdain. "He means buy my favors, Hots."
Hotspur got a shocked look on his face. "I NEVER had to buy that!"
Rosamond started to laugh in spite of everything. "Yeah, I know, Hotspur. You just took and took and took--whether we wanted to or not!"
Hotspur grinned and folded his arms behind his head, handcuffs and all. "Yeah, those were the days, weren't they, Rosamond! Hell, you were only 14..."
Travis's ears perked up. Fourteen? FOURTEEN? Holy smokes, I can charge him with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and statutory rape...let's see, I'll have to check to see if the statute of limitations has run out on that, I don't think so...

When they arrived at the station, Travis and a reluctant Malone got them out of the squad car, booked them, and put them in separate holding cells. Rose sat there, dejected and tried not to think of what this would do to her life. My kids! Will they take my children away from me? Will my career be ruined? What will John say?
JOHN! This is all his fault! He should have been there for me! This doesn't seem to affect Hotspur any. I don't think he realizes he's in trouble!

McGee came by the cell and Rosamond jumped up. "Why won't you listen to reason? I am an actress. I was running those lines with Mr.Percy, who is an old friend. He was helping me out of distress..."
McGee sneered, "I'm glad we got there BEFORE he helped you out of 'dis dress' even though you were in shorts and a shirt."
Rosamond said, "What is it that you have against me?"
McGee got a fleeting sad look in his eyes. Then it hardened. "You were breaking the law, pure and simple!"
"Don't be a dunce, you jelly donut monger!" At that, Malone's head jerked up.
"Not you, Officer Malone. HIM!"
Hotspur just sat there and enjoyed the exchange. Then Rose said in a voice for the entire squadroom to hear, "Hey, guys! Know why Officer 'Joe Friday' is so hot to burn me?"
The entire squadroom raised their hands. A few yelled out, "Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!!"
The answers were shouted out. "Because you wouldn't go out with him!" "Because he thought your boyfriend was holding out on the best drugs! " "Because he's a prude!" and the winning answer was the loudest. "Because you wouldn't let him into the NO PARKING ZONE!" Rosamond pointed her cuffed hands at the officer who answered that and said, "Give that man a cigar!"
That brought a fresh round of laughter and Travis' face to turn beet red. He whispered to Rosamond, "Just wait until you have a COURT date." and Rose retorted, "As long as it isn't a date with YOU!"
Then she said in a loud voice for all to hear, "Secret lusting is not a very admirable trait, Officer." Then she got a bold idea and decided to get back at Travis. She said in a loud voice again, "Shall we tell the entire squad room you offered to make me a deal to get me off the hook? Mr. Percy will back me up on this!"
Hotspur's head raised, "Huh? Oh. OH! Sure! Whatever Rose says, that's the way it was." Then to Rose he whispered through the bars, "what way was that?"
Then another officer yelled out, "Aw, come on, Mrs. Montgomery! Now we KNOW you're making up stories!"

Alan Carson came in to the squadroom. He saw Rosamond and Hotspur in the jail holding cells. He stormed up to Travis.
"What could she have possibly done?"
Travis gave a satisfied smile. "Solicitation in the park! I nailed both her and her john!"
Hotspur got up and went to the bars. "No, I'm not John. He's at work. My name is Harry Percy. Friends call me Hotspur. Rose calls me Hotpants." Rose said, "Harry? HARRY??!! NOT HELPING!!"
Alan said, "Let them go, you have no proof of this ridiculous outrage!"
Travis waved his tape around, "Au contraire, my commandant! It's all here on tape!"
"Give me that!" He grabbed for the tape.
Travis drew it back. "No way, Jose! Now THIS is going to get me that promo!"
Alan walked over to Rosamond. "What's the story, Mrs. Montgomery?" "Hot---uh, Harry was helping me run my script lines. Officer Doo-right here got carried away. He won't listen to reason."
Alan sighed. "Unfortunately I can't do anything right now to override his charges. Your bail is 200.00 each. Can you make it?"
Rosamond said, "Hey, my shoes alone cost that. OF COURSE I can make it. I AM entitled to one phone call, right?"
"Right. So is Mr. Percy."
"I'll take his phone call for him. Let me have a phone. And uncuff me, please."
Alan took the cuffs off. He joked with Rose, "John and you should get matching handcuffs!"
Rose whispered, "He's not into that!" which sent Alan into laughter.
Rose dialed the number to the gym.
"Hello?"
"I'm in trouble."
"Oh, Rose, what now, honey?"
"I got busted for solicitation." "WHAT? What were you trying to sell?"
Rose snapped, "What do you think?"
"Well,how did that happen?"
"Hotspur and I were going over Daisy's script lines. Officer McGee thought I was a prostitute and that Hotspur was my john."
"So what is the bail?"
"Two hundred dollars each. Alan Carson is being very nice."
"I'll be right down."

Within an hour the bail had been paid and Rosamond and Hotspur were free on bond.
"Here's your receipt, Mr. Gwinnett. The court date will be later but I am sure Mrs. Montgomery can show proof that it was really a script."
"Yes, all she has to do is get the script from the studio and show that the tape recording and lines were word-for-word."
"Well, then, the charges will be dropped as soon as we see that."

The three of them went outside. Rosamond said, "You'd better drop Hotspur and me off at the park so I can pick up my car."
"You get into trouble continually, Rosamond."
"I know. Thanks for bailing us out, Daniel!"


OH NO!!.......by Coralynn

Belle returns to the hotel where she and WandaSue are staying and, upon entering their suite, tells the other woman, "I really have him sweating, now, 'Susan' or should I call you WandaSue?"
"Whatever. Tell me! What happened?"
"Well, I went to his hotel and pretended I was his long-lost sister and got a key to his room. Amazing how gullible those people at the desk are! Anyway, I then took off every stitch of clothing and waited. It took a couple hours, but he did return, and when he saw me standing there he went nuts!"
"With lust?"
"No, actually, he was angry. Threatened to kill me. Now, as much as I truly, truly believe that he and I belong together, I think I ought to pull back for a while. Let him feel safe, then.....then.....come on to him again when his willpower is low. What do you think?"
"I agree. No sense in getting killed. No man is worth that. Believe me, I know Billy Bob, and he is defintely not worth dying for, even if you think he hung the Moon. Let's go back to Westchester County for awhile and rest our tootsies. Now, where did I put my locket, you know, the amulet?"
"In your jewely box?"
"Probably. Let's see, now, we have this locket and that locket.....uhhhhh.....can't find the amulet. When we did see it last?"
Belle begins to pale (if someone that colorless can actually pale any more than she already is). "Was it ever sitting out on the table?"
"Why do you ask? Did you see it on the table?"
"I think so. Remember a few days ago when we ordered food delivered and we had napkins and empty containers all over the little kitchenette? I remember wrapping the whole mess up in that paper tablecloth that came with it, and tossing it all in the trash."

"OH NO!" WandaSue begins to pace, then dumps out her entire jewelry box, paws through the contents and concludes, "It is not in here for sure it is not in here. How many days ago did you throw that stuff out?"
"At least three!" Belle is panicking, "But we could ask the hotel if we can rummage through their trash...."
At that very moment they hear the sound of a big garbage truck in the alley. They look out, and the large trash dumpsters are being upended into the garbage truck and ground as they're compressed.
"Too late. It was probably in one of those dumpsters! Now they're gone......the stuff will be out in some landfill later today. I am not going out to a landfill to look, either. Belle, why couldn't you have looked more closely at what you were throwing out?"

Belle is humiliated. This is the first time WandaSue has looked angrily at her. She sits on a chair and moans, "Now I've ruined everything, haven't I?"
"Yeah! Pretty much!" WandaSue yells at her.
"Can we still go back to Westchester County, though?"
"We'll have to buy plane tickets.......do you know how long it takes to fly across the Atlantic as opposed to how long it would take if we still had the amulet? Well, sweetie, you're about to find out!"
Belle has nothing to say that will make her situation less dire, so she continues to sit there, and lets tears course down her face.
"Hey, don't try that one on me, baby! I'm a master at that ploy. Works on men. But you can save your tears, because it never works on me!! I may have to take you back to Court..........oh God, that's right.......I have no way to do that. But if I had..... I'd dump your bony rear-end back in the 12th Century without a backward glance!"
With that she begins to pack up.
Hell, babydoll, now you're back to square one. But, all is not lost. I can go back and blackmail Rose or John or........well, I'll think of someone!


I JUST WANT TO BE MAD FOR AWHILE.....by Terri

Rosamond came into the house and kissed the baby and Will. "Celeste, I have to do a few things upstairs and take a shower. Could you keep an eye on the children?"
"Sure, dear, no problem. The baby just went down for her nap and Will is busy with his 'arts and crafts'. So do what you have to do."
Rosamond marched up the stairs, stripped off her clothes and jumped into the shower, fuming. She dried off and slipped into her jeans and shirt. Boxes of John's things were in the corner. Deliberately Rosamond picked up the boxes and went down to the room that used to be John's. She dumped them all in the corner. She went back to her room and emptied her closet of his things. She took the clothes, hangers and all, and threw them on the bed.
Then she went to the bathroom, took a basket and threw his razor and shaving cream, deodorant and after shave and anything else she could find of his and crammed them in the basket. She walked back to John's bathroom and dumped everything in the sink. She dusted off her hands and said, "That's what he gets for leaving me high and dry this afternoon!"

Rosamond spent the day playing with the baby and cutting out construction paper elephants with Will. At dinner that night, John's place at the table was empty. Wiiliam said, "Where's John this evening?"
Celeste said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, Rosamond. He called while you were grocery shopping and said he probably won't be home until after ten o'clock. He had a lot of paperwork he had to do. Something about an audit and then he was updating the files on the computer at the fitness center."
Rosamond continued to eat her dinner. "Thanks for telling me, Celeste. I appreciate it."
William and Celeste exchanged quizzical looks across the table over Rosamond's head. Oh, well, they shrugged.

John pulled into the drive at 10:30 PM. Celeste was going through recipes she had cut out of magazines. She looked up. "Well, well....looked what the cat dragged in!" she laughed. John headed right to the refrigerator and got out the leftovers. He made himself a meatloaf sandwich and helped himself to coleslaw. "I am so beat! I think paperwork is more exhausting than physical work." He sat at the table with Celeste and opened a beer. "Where's Rosamond?"
Celeste answered, "She gave the kids a bath and then said she was heading up to bed. That was about 9:00 PM. She looked kind of tired. I guess it's all catching up to her--the whole summer, in fact."
"Yeah, I know. Maybe she shouldn't have gone back to work at Planet."
Celeste said, "She's resiliant. Just think, it won't be long before you two will get married and start your life out together."
John laughed, "At least it won't be boring!"
Celeste asked, "Are you planning on getting a place of your own, John?"
"Eventually, I think. I think Rose is a bit reluctant to 'leave the nest' as it were. She said she had enough of living on her own with Montgomery. I think she's a bit skittish. Anyways, we'll work it out--we always do!"
John ate his sandwich and opened up another beer. He and Celeste sat there and chitchatted about the kids and life in general. John got up, washed his dishes and put them away. Celeste smiled appreciatively. "Always a joy to have you around, John! Rosamond is a very fortunate woman."
John smiled, "No, I'm the fortunate one, Celeste. I can't imagine my life without her.
I'm going up to bed, I've had a long, hard day!"
"Goodnight, John."

John climbed the stairs, yawning. When he got to the bedroom door, he tried to open it. Hmm, seems to be stuck. He rattled the doorknob and tried to push it open with his shoulder.
"Rose? Rose?" he whispered. A little louder. "Rose, honey?" More rattling and pushing. Finally he knocked on the door. "Rosamond? Let me in. The door seems to be stuck."
From within he heard, "It's not stuck, John. You are locked out."

"What are you talking about?" he whispered loudly. "Let me in or I'll break the freaking door down!"
Rose said from the other side of the door. "I'm not in the mood to talk! I put all your things in your old room and that is where I want you to spend the night!"
"Are you out of what's left of your mind? What the hell did I do?"
"It's what you DIDN'T do!" Rose opened the door a crack. John gave it one mighty shove and she went flying across the room.
She picked herself up off the floor with as much dignity as she could muster. She dusted her butt off and drew herself up to all 5'4" of her. "I spent half the day in jail. IN JAIL, JOHN! Did you even bother tto call me this afternoon? NO!"
"Jail? JAIL? What did you do?"
"NOTHING!! I was in the park reading my script and Hotspur was jogging bby..." "Hotspur? Now THERE'S a reason to get arrested by itself..."
"Do you want to hear the rest of the story or what?"
"Alright, alright.."
"Officer McGee arrested me for prostitution and Hotspur for being my john!"
John burst out laughing and couldn't stop. For two reasons: (1) it was so ludicrous and (2) he was so tired he couldn't see straight.
Rose shoved him out the door and locked it behind him. "If you think it's so damn funny you just spend the night in your old room."
John yelled back, "Yes, I DO think it's funny and yes, I am going to spend the night in my old room. When you come to your senses, you'll know where to find me!"
Rose stood there in the middle of the room. What? No sympathy? No...begging? No...pleading? Aw, the heck with him!
She got back in bed and soon fell asleep.

About 5:00 AM she woke up and felt over for John's body. Empty. She sat up with a start. Oh, that's right. I kicked him out. I thought for sure he would come back here. I DID leave the door unlocked just in case. You'd have thought he would at least have tried. After an hour of tossing and turning, she put on her robe and padded down the stairs. "Coffee's ready if you want some."
She jumped a country mile. John was sitting at the table in his bathrobe drinking a cup. She didn't say a word but poured herself a cup. John looked bleary-eyed and needed a shave. Good! she thought. He had a lousy night's sleep!
John sat there and said quietly, "I've been up since 5:00 thinking about me and you."
"And what conclusion did you come to?"
"Rosamond, I'll never leave, I'll never stray. My love for you will never change. We've been unofficially together for three years. Sometimes it feels like twenty-one. But I'm still mad at you this morning. I'm going to go back upstairs, take a shower and leave for work without a goodbye kiss."
"Now you're being stubborn!"

"No, I'm not but it is about time someone laid it on the line to you, woman! I am NOT Montgomery. I am NOT going to call you 'little girl'. You need to grow up, Rosamond. Things don't go your way? Tough! If our marriage is going to work it has to be 100%. We each have to give 100%. Maybe not all the time, maybe sometimes one of us will give 70%, the other 30%. But the days of me putting up with your spoiled, selfish tantrums are over. You are one year past the legal drinking age. Act like it! You need to realize that I have things to do. I had to get those audits together. Victor left that place in an upheaval. You could have waited until I was done. But no, you want it when YOU want it! Well, it stops and it stops NOW!"

Rose walked over to him and tried to put her arms around him. He caught her hands and held them away from him. "Un, un, Rose. I'm not ready to make up, we'll get around to that later. I think I'm right, I think you were wrong. I'll probably give in before too long. But right now, honey....I just want to be mad for awhile!"


THE BACHELOR PAD.............by Coralynn

Hotspur and Mike haul the last of their belongings into the upper flat at the blue house.
"Beth owns this place?" Mike asks as he looks around appreciatively.
"She sure does! Plus a house with four apartments in it over on Elmwood Avenue!"
"Is she rich?"
"I hear tell she won a huge lottery jackpot back a year or two ago. Millions and millions of dollars! She told me she has these extra houses because the folks in the big house on Winding Willow keep bringing new people here from other timeframes, and they need houses for the overflow."
Mike is impressed, "Are we the overflow?"
"Yes and no. There is room for us at the big house, but, like I said before, too many prying eyes watching. I want to live large, live free!"

"We can sure do that here, Hots! Whatever living large and free is....."
Hotspur sits on one of the couches, "Listen, lad, an unmarried man has his needs....his urges......his wants......"
"Like what, Hots?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"Guess so."
"Well, then, think about the crowning glory of being in a physical body. What would that be, do you think?"
"I love it when a breeze blows against my face, is that it?"
"No. You could even do that back at the big house. Have you no passionate urges?"
"I love steak! Is that it?"
"It's better than the breeze against your face, but, no. Think of how you feel when a young woman comes near you."
"Frightened! Those women in Atlantis were slave drivers!"
"Let me try another approach. Remember the chastity grid you used to have to wear?"
"Yes, it itched!"
"Why did they put those contraptions on the men, do you remember?"
"So they couldn't breed until the women said it was time."
"Now you're on the right track. Did you ever get to......uhhhhh......breed? Do you have any idea what it is?"
"Not really."
"I'll have to find a young woman who will teach you, because this is getting embarrassing, Michael."
"My name is Mike. Just Mike."
Hotspur has an idea, "Tell ya what, Mike, just Mike, there's this movie theater in another town that shows films about breeding. The films are what they call X-rated. We'll go to one tonight. I have to show a few houses to a prospective buyer this afternoon. Wanna go along?"
"Sure! Thanks, Hots!"
Hotspur now realizes what an innocent he has on his hands and resolves that the innocence not stand in the way of this "pad" becoming the hottest one in town!


AHHH! FIRENZA!......by Terri

Billy Bob sat at a restaurant in Florence, Italy. Good, they'll never find me here! he thought. I'd better call Jameson, tell him where I am and have him wire me some money. Billy Bob looked at his watch. Four o'clock, it's ten o'clock back home.

What a stroke of luck getting that overnight compartment on the train from Paris to Rome! Then getting the Eurostar from Rome to Florence, and finding that nice hotel right across from the Cathedral. Hell, Wanda Sue will NEVER find me here! I just hope they've lit a fire under Magruder. I can't stay in Europe the rest of my life!
He looked up and read the graffiti on the walls and smiled to himself. Let's see...
here's one! 'We take the castle at midnight' ..oh, and here' s my favorite! 'Bite and run away!' Whatever that means. The lights were shining on the Arno River. Sure wish I had Rose to share it with. Once I get back, things will be different...
*RING!*
"Hello?"
"Jameson, it's me."
"Where are you? I've been trying your hotel in Paris and they said you checked out!"
"Had to. That crazy Wanda Sue and that nutcase she is with found out where I was."
"So where are you now? The Riviera?"
"No--in a place they won't think to look for me. Florence. The streets are so crooked and twisted not even Wanda Sue with her twisted brain will find me! I am staying at the Hotel Botticelli. But the reason I called is that I need some more money. I need you to access the bank account in Switzerland and send me about 25,000. Then I need you to call Magruder and tell him he HAS to find out who ordered the hit on me. My life back home is falling apart and I need to get back as soon as possible."

Jameson was scribbling furiously on a notepad. "Money...25,000....Switzerland....Magruder...hit....falling apart. That it?"
"Call Bobby Joe and ask him what my wife is up to."
"You mean your UN-wife?"
"Don't be funny."
"If you are talking about Rosamond, I have a friend in the police department. He said she was picked up for prostitution!"
"WHAT?"
'I SAID ROSAMOND WAS PICKED UP FOR PROSTITUTION."
"WHEN WILL YOU LEARN, I CAN HEAR YOU PERFECTLY! Are you sure?"
"Yep--said Gwinnett bailed her out, took it very calmly and didn't lecture her. Thought that was strange. Oh, and her john got busted too. Some real estate guy, good looking tall dude with red hair and a beard. Sad when a guy like that has to pay for it! My friend said it was funny, she kept calling the john Hotpants or something like that."
"I don't believe you."
"No, it's true!"
"She have a trial date?"
"Doubtful it would ever go to trial. She said she was reading from the script of that soap she was in and that Hotcross-buns guy was a friend helping her out."
"WHAT?"
"I SAID DOUBTFUL..."
"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! AARRGGHH! She's back at the soap? After I forbid her to go? After I made her quit?"
"Well, now, Billy Bob, it's hard to forbid someone once you're dead, isn't it?"
Billy Bob just snapped, "Wire me that 25,000, will ya? I'll worry about the soap once I get home. I hope they have a replacement or a contingency plan because they are going to need it when she quits...AGAIN!"
CLICK!


ON THE OTHER HAND...........by Coralynn

Hotspur and Mike sit in the darkened theater watching "Buffy does Dallas/Fort Worth"......Mike poking Hotspur every few minutes to ask questions.
The movie is so over-the-top that it's even making Hotspur squirm.
As the action on the screen heats up, Mike puts his hands in front of his eyes. Hotspur sees this and whispers, "Let's go, Mike, this may not have been a good idea."

They leave the theater with Mike still apprehensive.
"I would never do what those people did, not ever!" he tells Hotspur, "I thought it was terrible. I think I'll put my chastity grid back on!"
"No sense going to that extreme, my boy. Just forget what you saw. Normal people don't act like that."
"NO? How do normal people act?"
"How did you get to be so messed up, Mike? Didn't they teach you anything about sex back there in Atlantis?"
"NO!"
"That place really did a number on you!"
"Eleanor says things have changed there......I wonder if they really have. I wonder if Eleanor or Marilyn would take me there on a short visit, just to see......"
"You always have the right to go back and live there, you know. If I didn't like living at this time, they told me I could go back to the 12th Century. I don't want to, but I could. So could you."
"Why would I want to go to the 12th century, Hots?"
"No, I mean, to your original time and place. But, listen, if El is right and changes have been made, then those chastity grids may not be worn anymore. You'd probably have to learn about the pleasures of the flesh there as well as you do here. You sure are ignorant."
"Thank you," Mike says, thinking that was a compliment.
Hotspur wonders if Mike might be better suited to an asexual life.
"Say there, Mike, have you ever considered becoming a monk?"
"I don't know that word."
"Well, are you religious?"
"I don't know. Back in Atlantis we had to bow before the high Priestess Gargantua or be flogged, but does that make me religious?"
"No, that makes you cowed."
"Cow, as in the animal that gives milk?"
"No, cowed means beaten-down and oppressed with no rights."
"OK, then I guess I was cowed."
Hotspur realizes he has a long, long way to go before his flat-mate is ready to live large and party. Although......maybe that idea of finding an experienced woman......
"Let's go home and get drunk, Mike."
"Sure! Whatever you say, Hots!"


WHAT MEN WANT........by Terri

John came into his office at the gym at 7:00 AM, sat down and ran his hands over his face. Gads, what a bad night's sleep I had! He folded his arms and laid his head on them. Alan Carson was in the weight area and saw John go into his office. He finished his workout and knocked on the door.

"Come in." was the muffled reply.
Alan stood there and said, "You look like death warmed over."
John yawned. "I feel like it!"
Alan sat down. "I'm sorry about the arrest yesterday, John. It was totally uncalled for."
John grimaced. "I didn't get any of the facts. Seems I was an 'inconsiderate jerk' by not dropping what I was doing. So, Alan, what happened?"
Alan said, "Near as I can figure out, your honey was running her lines with some big stud-muffin type. Officer Beaver Cleaver decided he was going to stake out the park looking for painted ladies with Malone. Malone's not a bad type, he's still a rookie and McGee bosses him around. Anyway, I read the arrest report. And I read her statement. Rosamond Montgomery was sitting by the lake reading her script when this guy that she knows came by. A conversation ensued and he offered to help her memorize her lines. I guess the dialogue was pretty hot and heavy and that was the exact moment McGee decided to spring. Mrs. Montgomery tried to explain but McGee handcuffed them both. Daniel Gwinnett bailed them both out."
"WHAT? Why didn't she call ME? I would have dropped everything and bailed her out."
"Maybe she was too embarrassed?"
"Or she was too pissed off. How do we get the charges dropped?"

"We've requested the script from the soap and they are going to FedEx it over to us this morning. We'll compare it with the tape that Numb-nuts has. I am sure it will match up and the charges will be dropped. Sorry we can't do anything about the humiliation she suffered. The guy she was with didn't seem to know too much of what was going on. Is he alright? I mean, is he cooking on all four burners?"
"Harry? He's a good sort, just kind of in a different world! Marches to the beat of a different drummer. He's a non-worrier, thinks the world is a big, fun, pleasure-palace. Guess it was the way he was raised. Let me know what happens, Alan."
"Will do, John. You and Mrs. Montgomery are getting married, I hear."
"In October. I think." "You THINK?"
"Yesterday morning we were. Knowing Rose it could be a different story by tonight."
Alan nodded his head and closed the office door behind him.

Rosamond sat at the bistro with Eleanor and Bethia. She absentmindedly stirred her coffee. Eleanor finally said, "WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?"
Rose jumped. "Eleanor! I'm sorry! I--I guess I am just a little pre-occupied."
Bethia exclaimed, "Rose, how long are you going to hold this against John?"
Rose said, "I feel like I am starting to take second place to his work!"
Eleanor said, "That's ridiculous, Rosamond, and you know it!"
Bethia added, "Rose, honey, now don't take this the wrong way. But you've got a real hunk there and if you don't treat him right, well, someone else will. I notice that Josie at the gym giving him the eye."
Rose said miserably, "He read me the riot act this morning. Said I was spoiled and selfish and pitched tantrums."
Eleanor and Bethia sat there quietly, eating their croissants. Bethia stared at her plate, Eleanor stared out the window. Rosamond looked from one to the other. She narrowed her eyes. "You think he's RIGHT?"
Neither of them said a word. Rose said, "Thanks alot, GIRLFRIENDS!"
Bethia patted her hand, "Now, Rose, we love you, but sometimes..."
Eleanor said, "What Beth is trying to say is YES! John is right! Rose, straighten up! Now, let's go shopping."
Rose pouted, "I don't feel like it."
"Suit yourself. Come on, Beth. Pay heed to what I said, Rose. John is trying to tell you what he--what men--want."
Bethia gave her a hug. "Just think, honey. Only six weeks left and you'll be Mrs. John Gwinnett!"
Rose smiled a little.
Eleanor finished her coffee and said casually, "How's the annulment coming?"
"Patrick said the courts work slowly but he thinks it should be all done by the middle of September."
Eleanor tried to keep her voice casual again. "Wouldn't it be a kick in the pants if it wasn't done?"
Rose frowned. "What are you getting at, Eleanor? It was a bigamous marriage. Technically I am not married to Billy Bob anymore."
Eleanor put down her coffee cup. "I know, sweetie, I would just like to see things all tied up nice and neat in a pretty package for you and John. Have you ever wondered what would happen if there was a mistake and it WAS Montgomery you saw in Paris?"

Rose said exasperatedly, "If Billy Bob was still alive, I have no doubt that he would have contacted me. John was right, it was just a figment of my imagination--or guilt.
Billy Bob is dead, I am engaged to the man I love, and October 4th will come and I will be married to John and nothing is going to stop it." Eleanor said, "Sure, honey."
Eleanor and Bethia got up to leave. "Sure you won't come with us?" Rosamond said, "No, I have some amends to make at the gym. Talk to you later."

Outside, Bethia said, "OK, Eleanor, what was THAT all about? Billy Bob the Undead? PLEASE!"
Eleanor was thoughtful. "I just don't want to see anything screw up the October 4th plans. That's all!"

Rosamond sat there reading a new script and finishing up her coffee. A shadow fell over the table.
"Mind if I sit here for a few minutes?"
"Daniel! You startled me! I want to thank you for bailing me and Hotspur out yesterday."
"Why didn't you ask John?"
"John was indisposed."
"John was busy. Doing paperwork."
Rosamond sat there and said to Daniel, "Daniel, what do men want? I mean, what do men want in a woman?"
Daniel said, "Can't speak for all men, Rose. Personally, I'd like a nympho with big boobs who owns a liquor store."
Looking at Rosamond's crestfallen face, he took her hand. "They just want a woman who will make them feel important, that he is the center of her universe. Of course, they like a flash of fire now and then. Oh, nothing too serious, just something to keep it interesting. Like the way you and I used to go at it. The repartee. And...other things."
Daniel stood up to leave and leaned on the table. "We take you out to dinner hoping it will lead to bigger and better things. Want to have dinner, Rose?"
"Certainly not!"
Daniel leered. "How about lunch, then?"
Rosamond tried to hide her smile. "I have a late breakfast."
Daniel straightened up. "I'll let you in on a secret, Rosamond. The truth about men. We ain't wrong. We ain't sorry. And it's probably gonna happen again!"


TOUCH OF ATLANTIS.........by Coralynn

"Well, well, the prodigal sons return!" William comments as Hotspur and Mike enter the house. "How goes it over at the blue house?"
The two arrivals sit at the table where William has newspapers spread out and is eating some strange concoction.
Hotspur whispers to William, "Mike knows nothing about physical relationships between men and women, so, I think I have a problem on my hands."
William grins and replies, "So what problem might that be, Hotcakes?"
Hotspur doesn't get to answer the question, as Mike jumps in with, "William! Sir! Is Eleanor home right now? And pray tell, what is that you're eating?"
"I think El is home, and this, young man, is a Jenny Craig meal," he runs his spoon around in the food and then dribbles it in and out of the bowl, "Yummy, yes?"
"We never ate anything that looks like that back in Atlantis!"
William laughs, "You didn't have Jenny Craig back 4 thousand years ago? Pity!! Tell me, though, Mike, were there any overweight people in Atlantis?"
"Overweight?"
"Yes, like fat," William extends his arm and pinches out a roll of fat that leaves nothing to be imagined. Mike recoils.
"Yes, it's gross, Mike. Gross, from the French word for fat! Ever see anyone in Atlantis like me?"
"No, sir, never. Everyone there was thin!"
"How did they manage that? What did you eat there that kept everyone thin?"
"Well, thin or fat was never talked about. We didn't know fat because we never saw any. What did we eat? Well, food. Apples, peaches, broccoli, then there was this one stew made up of some stuff, I'm not sure what, which we had to eat at least once a day. It was required."

"That must have been the reason, then. Wish I knew what they put in it!" William leans forward in interest. "Tell me, lad, have you had any curiosity about what Atlantis might be like now.......now that the Queen has been overthrown by Eleanor posing as that Goddess personage?"
"I have been curious," Mike tells him, "In fact, we came over because I want to ask Eleanor to take us back on a quick trip so I can see it firsthand."
William gets a gleam in his eyes, "No need. I can take you! And while we're there, I can find out what they put in that stew that was probably the food that kept everyone thin. If I could find out, I could market it here and make a million!"

Eleanor enters the room, and, seeing Hotspur and Mike, smiles, "How goes it, bachelors extraordinaire?"
"Great!" Mike answers, "And William here has agreed to take us back on a short visit to Atlantis to see how it's changed since the Queen lost her throne. Wanna go, too?"
"I have a busy schedule today, but........I have an idea that could make your little trip a real success! Take along some modern things for them. Let's see, what could you take.........I know! A battery powered CD player. They probably didn't have electricity like we do. Oh, and some magazines. Let's see what else......"
"How about a sex manual for the ignorant men?" Hotspur says enthusiastically.
William's eyebrows rise into his hairline. "I don't think so, Hots! Come on!"
"Oh, alright!"
"Take some modern clothes!" Eleanor adds, "Take some panty hose and some high heels, that oughta slow down some of the more aggressive women! OH, and bras. Yes, surely! Wait here, I'm going to a clothing store. I'll be back in an hour. Don't leave till I return, promise?"
"Fine," William tells her as she grabs her purse and runs out to her car. They hear the motor start and see her peel out of the drive onto the roadway.

True to her word, Eleanor returns an hour later with bags full of clothing.
"HERE!" she shoves the bags toward the men, "Load up, gents!"
William takes the bag given him and passes it off to Hotspur who is already laden down with a CD-player and magazines.
"What am I, a beast of burden?" he objects.
"I have to put all my concentration on getting the coin to take us to Atlantis 6 months after you left, Mike. Yes, Hotspur, you have to carry my share of the load so I can get us there properly."
Hotspur shrugs, which upsets some of the articles strapped to his back. He reaches around and repositions them, glaring at William.
"Give me one hand each," William instructs, as the other two men try to free up one hand.
"Here we go!" William announces as they disappear from the big house on Winding Willow and arrive in Atlantis.
They look around. It looks like a cross between ancient Egypt and ancient Greece, with buildings akin to the Parthenon and a few pyramids that look to be on the outskirts of the City.
"My, my!" is all William is capable to saying.
Mike, even laden down with bags of clothing, begins to walk rapidly down the roadway. The other two try to catch up.
"Where to?" Hotspur pants, trying to catch his breath.
"The center of town is where people meet, and where you can see the most," Mike explains as his long legs propel him onward.
William, even without the disadvantage of carrying bags and equipment, is getting winded. "Slow down, lad!"
Mike slows to let the other two men keep pace with him, and fortuantely they find themselves in the town square.
Both men and women look at them curiously. A few recognize Mike and approach.
"What have we here?" a young woman with clear blue eyes and black hair asks, looking at Mike and his companions, who are more than happy to place their burdens down on the ground.
"Well hello there, Minerva! Remember me? I've come here with presents for you!" Mike reaches into one of the bags and brings out panty hose, heels, a bra and a fashion magazine and extends them to her. She quickly takes the articles and examines them.
"But what do you do with these?" she asks, turning them over and over in her hands.
"I think the magazine explains it all!" William tells her, "And, for your listening pleasure," he brings out the battery powered CD player and pushes the buttons that produce music, in this case Fleetwood Mack. This causes the small group clustered about to jump back in alarm.
Hotspur is in his glory, "Don't be afraid, folks, this is just 21st Century technology! We come in peace. Now, who runs this place anyway?"
One of the young men replies, "We have representative government now, oh magic man. Everyone has the position decided by the citizens. It works well and I now find myself a park ranger. I used to be a slave to Selinda over there, but now I am no longer "Selinda's Man," I am Appolonius, head of the park system. I get to tell other people how to keep the grass short........goats help a lot, though the droppings can get to be a problem, so I'm looking for a better method......."
"What of Queen Gargantua?" Mike breaks in.
"She's the assistant to the assistant to the assistant headmistress of the school," Appolnius answers with great satisfaction, "and receives a very low wage."
The others standing in the cluster laugh and clap.
"Who's the head of the whole place, though?" Hotspur wants to know.
"I was elected the head of the govenment," Minerva explains, "No more do I have to carry messages around the city."
"Why not have a King?" William asks.
"Well, you see, sire, the men haven't had freedom long enough for any of them to have developed great leadership skills, so for the time being, women are best suited."

As this talk is going on, many other women have joined the group and are gleefully holding up the articles of clothing and the fashion magazines being passed to them by Hotspur. The music is blaring forth from the CD player, and a few men and women are moving rhymically to the beat.
"What do you call this music?" one of the older men asks.
"Rock and Roll!" William informs him, "It's the wave of the future, my friends. You are the first Altanteans to hear this! I'll leave a supply of batteries with you so that you may hear this, plus another 20 CDs we've brought for you. Now, to get down to business: I need to know what you put in the stew you eat every day. Just the recipe. Who might I see to get a copy of this recipe?"
They all look one to the other, till one of the women tells him, "We know how to make it. We don't know the word 'recipe.'"
"Then, let us sit on this bench while you tell me how to make it. I'll write it down on a piece of paper and take it back to my own time and place. How about it?"
That sounds acceptable to the woman, so she slowly tells William how to make the food as he copies it all down and the other citizens continue dancing to the music.

Mike is till curious about the fate of some of his former oppressors, and asks, "Where is Princess Theodosia and what is she doing now?"
Appolonius points down the roadway to where a woman is picking up litter along the sides of the road. "See down the way........that's her.......the new government gave her a test to see what job she would be best suited for, and she scored so badly that all they could think to do with her was as you see........picking up trash."
Mike laughs so hard he can hardly stop. "I love it!" he repeats as he laughs, which makes several other people join in the levity. Soon the ever expanding group of people are laughing and dancing and clapping their hands.

William finishes copying the recipe for the stew and announces, "We must go now, Mike and Hots. Thank you, citizens of Atlantis, for the fine welcome! We bid you good day and much good fortune!"
The three men join hands and disappear. This causes confusion among the citizens. Down the roadway, Theodosia glances up and sees this transpire and mutters to herself, "Damn! And they didn't take me! What's a Princess to do? Brought to such a low estate, yet I will find a way to rise to power once again! Just you wait!!"


OH TRAVIS, TRAVIS, WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN?....by Terri

Travis McGee entered the squadroom feeling on top of the world. The stakeout was a success, I got even with that little tramp and her customer, and a promotion is coming my way! He pulled open his desk drawer and opened up a packet of instant oatmeal, put it in a bowl and headed towards the microwave. Hot and steamy (the oatmeal, heaven forbid--it certainly wasn't Travis!) he sat down and opened a carton of whole milk he bought from the cafeteria.

Alan Carson came in, directly from the gym. He looked at what Travis was eating and thought, why can't he have ham and eggs or an Egg McMuffin like the rest of the world? Why must he be such an apple-pie-and-freckles kind of person? Bet his mommy insisted on it! Bet he has no cavities, either. In a moment of peevishness, he smacked Travis on the back of the head. Malone watched and instinctively put his own cap back on.
"OWWWW! What the tarnation was THAT for?"
Alan snarled, "Just ONCE, Junior, I would love to hear a four-letter word come out of your mouth! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Travis rubbed the back of his head. "Whatever for?"
"That little bust you pulled on Rosamond Montgomery. You knew she was an actress. You took advantage of a situation just to embarrass her. And now thanks to you, there is trouble between her and her fiance."
"FIANCE?? Her dearly departed husband hasn't been dead but six weeks! Well, well! Just goes to prove I was right about the two of them after all! I'll just bet they plotted and planned to bump him off!"
"AAARRRGGGHH!" Alan growled. "Will-you-never-learn?" He punctuated each word with a successive slap to the back of the head.
'OW-OW-OW-OW!! Do that again and I will get you for assault on a police officer!"
Alan turned to the squad room. "You guys see anything?"
"Nope!"
"Not me!"
"Nada!"
"See what?"
Malone just said, "mmpphhff!" and wiped the jelly from the corner of his mouth.

Donatello came in with Captain Scardaletti. "I need to see Malone, McGee and Carson upstairs in the conference room." In his hand was a FedEx package. McGee wore a satisfied look, Carson heaved a mighty sigh and Malone just swallowed.
Upstairs, they all took their seats. Donatello opened up the package and handed a sheaf of papers to Scardaletti. Donatello cleared his throat and said, "Before we begin, I would like to have Officer McGee play the tape for us."
Travis whipped it out of his pocket, inserted it in the cassette player and hit 'play'.

Rosamond and Hotspur's voice came on. Travis turned to the four of them and said, "There you have it!" He entwined his fingers, cracked his knuckles and stretched his hands over his head. Unfortunately he hit the overhead fan. And it was on high speed.
"YOW!" Donatello, Scardaletti and Carson tried to stifle their laughter. Malone looked like he wished he was anywhere else but there.
Donatello nodded to Scardaletti. Scardaletti pulled out a blonde wig out of a bag and put it on his head. He read in a high pitched voice from the script:
"So, it's been a long time since I've seen you."
Donatello lowered his voice to a fake deep resonance. "Too long, baby."
Scardaletti: "Looking good, honey! What say we do a little business." Donatello: "Honey, I can't afford you anymore."

It went on and on until they reached the end of the script. It matched word for word what was on the tape.
Travis sat there getting redder and redder. Scardaletti finished with, "...Everything but American Express." and pulled the wig off.
Donatello and Scardaletti sat there and stared at Travis. Then the three of them exploded into laughter and Malone looked miserable.
Donatello was wiping the tears off his face when he finally choked out. "CHARGES DROPPED--CASE DISMISSED!" and they roared with laughter.


SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD........by Terri

Rosamond got into her car and headed towards the fitness center. This isn't going to be easy, she thought. She pulled into the lot and parked the car, got out and headed into the gym with her head held high. She marched up to John's office door. She knocked. No answer. She knocked again. Still no answer. She quietly opened the door. There with his arms folded and his head down on the desk sat John. He was asleep at his desk. Rose quietly walked over to the desk and put her hand on his shoulder. She shook him. "John? Wake up."
He stirred, and looked up bleary-eyed. He still needed a shave. "Rosamond. What are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize." Then she said in a rush, "Oh, darling, I am so sorry! I was totally wrong and selfish and spoiled and I'll try to do better because I want to be the kind of wife you can be proud of. I want to be your refuge in the storm..."
John interrupted her. "Whoa! Rose, you get so dramatic!" he laughed.
Rosamond sat there totally dejected and with tears in her eyes. "I am so sorry, John. I will never, never kick you out of our room. I guess I was so used to doing that with Billy Bob. I--I did leave the door unlocked for you, though. Please say you forgive me."
John kissed her on the nose and said, "Why can't I stay mad at you?"
John looked up. "Uh, oh, what's going on here?"

Alan Carson and Travis McGee were walking through the door. Alan had Travis by the ear and was dragging him to the office. Alan knocked on the door. John opened it and said, "Alan! Come in." Alan yanked Travis in, too. Travis looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. Alan said, "Hello, Rosamond. I'm glad you are here. You are the one we primarily wanted to see. Officer McGee has something to say to you. Travis? Come on--don't make me hurt you. Again."

Travis looked down at the floor and said. "The script came this morning and showed that you were reading from it. The charges have been dropped and the case was dismissed by Chief Carmine Donatello." The rest came forced. "I am sorry I subjected you to any embarrassment and humiliation. It will not happen again."
Then Travis glared at Alan. "NOW can we go?" Alan was enjoying it immensely. "No, Sonny, just one more. Remember? We discussed it. Now go on."

To John Travis said, "I apologize for the misunderstanding on the vitamins and the sugar. I apologize if I made a mess of your car. THERE! SATISFIED NOW?"
Alan looked at John and Rosamond. "I'm afraid this is as good as it gets. Will it do?"
John said, "Apology accepted."
Alan grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck, turned him around and said over his shoulder, "This should be the last you see of this officer in an official capacity. One more mistake like this and Officer McGee will be a crossing guard at Bear Creek Elementary! Come on, Beaver--Wally's gonna buy you a nice box of Skittles!"
Alan grinned and winked at them over his shoulder. As soon as the door shut, Rose breathed a sigh of relief. "And now all we need to do now is start planning our wedding!"
John gave her a hug and closed the door. "Smooth sailing from here on out, honey!"

Daniel looked up from a training session and said to Rafe, "Looks like their engagement is on again."
Rafe said, "Did you ever doubt it?"
Daniel continued to add weights to the bar. "Hey, I was the one she called when she needed bailing out! Not John! Did I lecture her? NO!"
Under the weights a skinny little guy yelled, "Hey! I can't breathe! Get this damn thing off my chest!" Daniel lifted it up and the skinny guy gasped for air. "Sorry, fella!"
To Rafe he said, "I'm the one she needs. John is too much a Puritan for her. After a tumultuous marriage to Montgomery, she's just looking for 'safe' right now. She'll be bored in six months. And there I'll be. After all, there's our daughter..."
Rafe just shook his head. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Danny boy!


THE RECIPE................by Coralynn

William purses his lips as he combines ingredients in the pan. He tastes it. Hmmmm, well, it could be worse, but then again, it could be better.
Bethia arrives with grocery bags full of ingredients for him, "Hey, William, I just had an idea I think you'll like!" she says as she struggles the bags into the kitchen.
"What's that, Bethie? Something to punch up the taste of this stuff?"
"It could. But it's a huge timesaver! Look at the ingredients there at the top of the list. I think tofu is the same thing. Let's try it using that."
"Fine. We'll save this one as a comparison. What other things do you think we can substitute?"
"OK, you know how the recipe asks for crushed tomatoes? Let's try spagetti sauce in one batch, and pizza sauce in the other. Spices don't have calories, and they could improve the taste. The Atlanteans were so used to eating this stew their tastebuds were probably more accustomed to bland. Ours, however," she concludes as she unload the pizza sauce, "are not."

William and Bethia cook in two separate pans. He uses the spagetti sauce and she uses the pizza sauce.
"Wonder how long it takes before the taste is developed to the point where we can try it," Bethia muses.
"Let's try it now!" William says as he puts some stew from his pan into 2 small bowls and some from her pan into 2 other small bowls.
They sit at the kitchen table and hold their spoons aloft.
"Here goes nothing!" she says cheerily as she tastes the first bowl. "Yours is good, William. A big improvement over that stuff you made first."
William holds his spoonfull in his mouth, swishing it from one side to the other.
"Quite delicious!" he decides, "Now, for the one with the pizza sauce!"
They each take a spoonful of that and when it hits their tastebuds they exclaim, "Excelsior!"
"How did you know I was going to say that, William?"
"What other word could you use after tasting something this fantastic? You know, Beth, I think I'll market this stuff under the name "Excelsior, the secret food of the Lost Continent of Atlantis."
"Isn't that name rather long?"
"Yes, but we'll have the first word in large letters, then the rest in small type."
"That would work!"
"I don't want to turn this kitchen into a factory, so I'm going to approach several of the major food companies and sell the recipe to them. But.......to make them eager to pay a hefty price, I'm going to see if the TV stations will let me bring some to their noon news......you know, the news where they waste the viewer's time cooking?.......yes, I can have the people at the station partake of it and go into raptures, then I'll hit up General Mills and all those others. Why, they could use this recipe in cereal! 'Serve this cereal to your children and watch them never have a weight problem'......something like that."
The phone rings and William is still eating the stew as he answers it.
"Yes...........I can get her.........who shall I say is calling?"
He lays down the phone and goes to the stairway, "ROSE! Phone for you!"
"She'll be right with you," he says rapidly to the person who has called.

Rose is on her way out, so decides to take the call in the kitchen where the most heavenly aroma is making her mouth water.
She picks up the receiver.
"Hellllllllooooooo, baby doll!"
She gives an exasperated sigh. "What is it this time?"
"Pay me a hundred thousand dollars and I won't tell Montgomery you've been cheating on him!"
Rose's voice gets steely, "First off, he's dead. Second, everyone knows already, so who are you going to tell, WANDA SUE!"
Rose laughs as WandaSue drops her phone with a clatter. WSue gets back on and tries to bring the situation back into her favor. "I can wreck you life, your career......"
"Put a sock in it, you dim bulb! That's been tried already and it didn't work. Go bother someone else!" and she hangs up.
William looks at her expecting an explanation.
"That's just Slim's sister, WandaSue, trying to blackmail me again! She thinks she has information that could wreck my life. HA! Everyone knows every scandalous thing I've done already, so she's out of luck!"
The phone rings again and because Rose is standing by it, she picks up.
"Montgomery is not dead," the same voice says, this time several octaves lower, then hangs up.
Rose shrugs and waves to William and Beth as she goes out the back door, but, once in the carpark, she pauses and bites her lips, "No, no, he has to be dead, don't be a dunce!!" she gets in her car and drives out.


REASSURE ME......PLEASE!!.....by Terri

Rosamond sped down Hwy 141 towards the ranch. I'd better see how Murphy is coming along with the renovations, she thought. She kept mulling over in her mind that phone call from Wanda Sue. Montgomery is not dead? Yeah, fat chance! What can she possibly know? She's just trying to start something...isn't she? She's just mad because he only left her a dollar..isn't she? I mean, how would she know anything?

Rosamond pulled into the ranch carpark. Going into the house, she saw Murphy and another man sitting there with blueprints. She looked around. "Looking really good, Murphy!" Murphy looked up and grinned. "Thanks, Mrs. M. I finished the kitchen skylights this morning. Really opens the place up! The upstairs is all finished, you just need to get a decorator in here."

Rosamond wandered upstairs and was amazed. All the southwestern and masculine influences were gone. The walls were painted in soft pastel shades. Beautiful! Now all I need to do is go furniture shopping! Maybe Bethia would like to go with me, she has such exquisite taste. Rose went downstairs to what used to be Billy Bob's office. She stopped short. A chill ran down her spine. There was the big oak desk he used to sit behind. His computer was still there. It's so weird, she thought. Almost like the room was waiting for him to come back. I guess his energy field was pretty strong. He spent so much time here. She closed the door. I'll deal with this room last. Rosamond picked up her cellphone and dialed.
"Hello?" a voice said cautiously.
"Jameson, it's Rosamond. I'd like to meet you for lunch. There's a few things I want to go over with you. Are you going to be around these parts this afternoon?"
"I'll be in Chappaqua looking at some property to build a new restaurant around 10:00. I can meet you at 11:00 if that is alright."
"That's fine, Jameson. I am teaching an aerobics class at noon so it will have to be a light lunch."
'How about the Tavern Square? They serve nice salads."

By 11:00 Rosamond walked into the Tavern Square restaurant. Jameson was already seated in a back booth. He stood up as she approached the table and pulled the chair out for her.
"Hi, Jameson. So good of you to meet me."
"Hey, Rosamond, you are looking exceptionally well." "How's Anastacia?"
"Same as always, busy with the arts and opera boards. But I know you didn't ask me to lunch to chitchat. What's on your mind?"
Rosamond bit her lip and shrugged. She poured a glass of white wine that Jameson had ordered. "This is very difficult for me to say. Jameson, are you SURE the body you identified was Billy Bob's?"
Jameson paled but got it together in a hurry. "Rosamond, I am SHOCKED you would even ask something like that! Would I lie to you? Why would you ask a question like that?"
Rosamond started talking in a rush, describing how she kept imagining she saw Billy Bob in Paris and ending up by relating the conversation with Wanda Sue. She finished up by saying, "I don't know what to think or believe anymore. Why would she do something like that?"
Jameson said, "Wanda Sue never did have to have a reason for anything she did. She was one kooky chick."
"But what about the Paris thing?"

Jameson poured another glass of wine and gulped it down. "I am only going to say this once, Rosamond, so please believe me. I identified the body as that of William Robert Montgomery, my cousin. Who else besides his wife would know him so well? And second, I can assure you most definitely that Billy Bob is NOT in Paris!"
Rosamond smiled weakly. "Thanks, Jameson. I don't know what I would have done without your support these last two months!" She stood up to leave and kissed him on the cheek, "I'd better go. You made me feel so much better now!"
As he watched her go out the door, he thought to himself, I don't know who the bigger bastard is--Billy Bob...or me?

Billy Bob punched in the numbers and waited till for an answer. "Magruder here."
"It's Montgomery. Mickey, I need some answers. Have you heard anything about the Parker gang and if they were the ones who put the hit on me?"
"I'm working on it. I have a friend who is a 'mole' and he's trying to get some answers but it's not very forthcoming."
"I need some answers. It sounds like things are unraveling real fast back home. I also need you to find out who this skinny chick who is living with Wanda Sue Skaggs is. Colorless, skinny as a rail. Not much personality, can't seem to think on her own.
Thirdly. I need you to hunt down a dark brown jacket....."



on to next part of STORY

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