SHALL WE BENCH-PRESS, BABY?

Something Weighing You Down, Rose?.......by Terri

Rosamond emerged from the shower. Through the door she called out, "Mr. Slim, where is the terrycloth bathrobe the hotel provides?"
Slim yelled back, "Princess, this is NOT the Waldorf-Astoria! You got a towel in there? Use it! And it's just Slim--not Mr.!"
Rose yelled back. "This is not a towel. This is a dishrag!"
A few minutes later she came out, dressed in the same clothes but with wet hair. Her face was scrubbed clean.
Slim looked at her and said, "Hell, you look like you're about thirteen years old without that stuff on your face! Looks like you could do a milk commercial."
He looked her up and down. " 'Cept you don't look thirteen in certain places. Milk does a body good---you must have milked those cows to a standstill!"
Rose looked down and blushed. "Can I at least buy you breakfast, Slim? It's the least I can do to repay you for your kindness."
Slim smiled. "Yeah. It's been a while since I sat across the breakfast table from a gorgeous woman!"
Slim opened the door to the company car and Rose got in. Slim closed the door and thought, haven't forgotten my gentlemanly manners!
Rose said, "How about that little country restaurant that I first met you in?"
Slim said, "Fine by me!"
As Slim parked the car in the parking lot, he saw a blue Acura go by. Yep! That's the car for me! He opened up Rose's door and held out his hand to help her out of the car. Mama, I ain't forgot the niceties you taught me. Maybe that should be in that Macking Manual!

Wanda Sue was whipping down the Highway in her new Acura, air conditioner on full blast and singing along to the radio.
"Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key!"


WHOA! Is that who I think it is? Slim? And he's with a woman! Can't see her face--I'd better see what's going on! She reached over and put her sunglasses on. She pulled in and parked at the far end of the lot. Where is that monster truck of his? Oh, ho! Looks like Big Brother found himself a woman with a car! She reached in the back and put on her straw hat, tucking her hair underneath.
She walked in and found Slim sitting in a booth with a beautiful blonde. Wait! Can it be? No! It can't be! BABYDOLL #2? Can she possibly be stepping out on Montgomery with my BROTHER?
The waitress tried to seat her at the far end of the restaurant. Wanda Sue grabbed her arm. "NO! I want THAT booth! Air conditioning bothers me! ACK, ACK!"
She sat with her back to Slim and Rosamond. She rummaged in her purse and found her compact. Angel Face face powder. Still 79 cents at Woolworths!
Rose and Slim were eating breakfast.
Rosamond said, "Slim, I've been meaning to ask you. WHY do you drive a big pickup truck like that?"
Slim smiled. "Well, it's like this. I got my first truck when I was three. Played all day long hauling marbles and rocks on my knees. Then the little girl next door asked me to haul her Barbie doll bed. That took a couple of thinks! Well, she tried to repay me with a kiss! Then it hit me! There's something women like about a pickup man! So when I turned 16 I saved a few hundred dollars and bought my first pickup truck. The girls went wild! Even landed a date with the homecoming queen! Think about it-I got an 8' bed that never has to be made, I put an airmattress in the back for the drive-in and let me tell ya, honey, a cargo light gives off a romantic glow!"

Wanda Sue sat there and made a face.
Rosamond laughed and then she grew quiet.
Slim said, "Honey, you aren't happy, are you?"
Rosamond said, "Is anyone ever really happy?"
"What about your husband? You really bared your soul to me last night." Wanda Sue thought, bet that's not all she bared to Slim!
Rosamond said, "What can I say? I got pregnant. I got married. And I married well."
Slim said, "Who's John?"
Wanda Sue felt like raising her hand and shouting out, I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!
Rose turned white and said, "I don't know what you're talking about. There is no one named John."
"But last night you said you were in love with him. That you were having an affair with him...."
Rose said, "I don't know what you were drinking or what drug you were on, but I don't know anyone named John. And why would I have an affair? I'm a married woman."
"You should have said a HAPPILY married woman."
"That's my business."
"What?"
"How happy I am."
She reached in her purse for her cellphone. "I'm calling a cab to come pick me up. It wouldn't do for you to drop me off at the Dew Drop. It's bad enough we spent the night together, we don't have to advertise it to the world!"
Wanda Sue dropped her coffeecup. The waitress bustled over with a napkin. "Oh, my! Would you like a refill?"
Wanda Sue could only croak out, "Yes, please!"
Rose said, "I'm going to have a hard enough time explaining why I am coming home in the same clothes I left the house in!"
Wanda Sue's ear was tuned into the conversation in the next booth. Rose had called a cab.
Slim said, "Sure I can't drop you off? That's the LEAST I can do for you!"
Rose said, "Slim, you've done more than enough!" Slim replied, "And next time, let's do it without the icecubes!"
Wanda just about choked on her toast! Ice cubes? What's next, Brother? Whipped cream? Whoa! Slim is getting really....weird!
Rose's cab pulled up and she leaned over and kissed Slim on the cheek. "Thanks for going above and beyond the call of duty last night! I'll not forget it!"
She left the money for the bill and ran out to the cab. Slim paid the check and went out to the company car.
Wanda Sue sat there dumbfounded. SLIM ALSO? WHOA!!


Rosamond paid the cab and ran into the Dew Drop Inn. Bobby Joe was waiting to pay the beer delivery truck. He was skimming through the invoices.
"Well, well, well! Look what just walked through the door! What did you do, take a cab home?"
Perfect!
"Yes, I did. I want to apologize, BJ. I'm sorry I acted the way I did. I guess I was just...lonely. And upset!"
"That's OK, Tequila Sunrise! I know how much you miss Billy Bob when he's gone. I thought for a minute you might have left with that guy you were talking to. I'm sorry I thought that. I know you'd never do anything to betray Billy Bob."
"I just came in to apologize. I'll get my car and go now. Uh, Bobby Joe? I would be deeply indebted to you if you would not tell my husband. He pitched a fit when he found out that I was supposed to meet Verla."
"I'll put it in the vault, hon!"

Rosamond pulled into the carpark. J.R. was working a horse by the stable ring. "Hey, Rosamond. You're up awful early! Shopping already?"
Already? Could it be that he didn't even know I was out all night?
"No--I had to meet my friend Bethia. She made some changes in the bridesmaid dresses and she wanted my input!"
She ran up the stairs and Juanita was giving Julie a bath.
"Miss Rose! I went to bed early last night, around 8:00 PM. This little princess must have slept all through the night. Did she wake you up?"
Rose secretly breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't even missed! "No! She slept through the whole night."
Don't ask, don't tell, Rose thought.
Her cellphone rang. "Hello?"
"Hi, Rosamond, it's me."
"Beth! How goes the bridesmaid dresses?"
"I made some changes. But that's not why I called. It's about John..."
"Bethia, NO! It's not open for discussion! He's out of my life and I am going to make my marriage to Billy Bob work. Case closed!"
"But, Rose, you don't understand..."
"Look, I love you, Bethia...but no! The subject is closed."
"But..."
"Talk to you later, Beth! I have to get to the gym!"
Click!

Rose took a quick shower and changed into her workout clothes. I would LOVE to stay home but if you miss three days you start to lose what you've gained in muscle tone.
She parked her Miata in the far corner of the lot. Hmmm--Corvette just like John's. Jeep like Daniel's parked next to it. Wow, what are the chances of two other people having cars like that?
She walked into the locker room and put her gear in a locker. She headed for the treadmill for a quick warm-up. There in the glass office were John and Daniel. What the heck is going on? And where the heck is Victor?
Rose started the treadmill, taking the one on the far end so she wouldn't be noticed. Oh, great! This is the one place that was my sanctuary! No one I knew came here!
She leaned over and asked the woman on the treadmill next to her. "Excuse me, but where is Victor?"
The woman huffed and puffed. "Victor? He sold the gym! Said he wanted to move to Rio de Janiero! So he sold it!" She nodded to the office. "One of those guys just bought it!" She sighed. "Aren't they hunky? And I have a sudden craving for Double Mint Gum!"
Rose stopped in her tracks and the treadmill belt threw her off and back against the wall. The woman asked, "Hey, are you allright? Shouldn't stop running on the treadmill, this happens at least once a day! Anyway, I heard the new owner is an actor in a daytime drama. And available!" The woman looked down at herself and sighed. "Maybe I'll have a chance when I lose 50 pounds!"

John looked up. "Did you hear a thump, Daniel?"
Daniel looked out the office and saw someone picking themselves up the floor by the treadmills. "Someone must have stopped when it was on the running speed. How can people be so dumb? That trainer Nick said it happens all the time!"
John went back to the file papers at hand. "I want to totally revamp this place. I need three more trainers. That would be you and Rafe. Need one more. Nick and the rest of them stay on. I am willing to send you two to college at night to become Physical Fitness trainers. In return I expect you to stay with me for a minimum of two years. You can work here day or night, alternating with your classes and the job. Do we have a deal?"
Daniel said, "Deal! Didn't think we'd ever be partners on anything, John, except...."
John looked up and glared at him. His face flushed. "Let's not start in with the is, too--is not routine."
Daniel hopped up on the file cabinet, crossed his arms and leaned back. "You seen her lately?"
"No. Don't want to talk about it. Now, my head hurts. Pass me that Excedrin and that V-8 will you?"

Rosamond thought, oh great! I have a five year membership here! It's the only gym in town! She absentmindedly went over to the bench press machine. What am I going to do? How can I arrange my workout schedule so both of them aren't here? I suppose I COULD come at 3:00 AM...She kept adding weight to both sides, not paying attention to what she was doing. She laid flat on her back and lifted up. The bar came crashing down, pinning Rosamond underneath.

John and Daniel stuck their heads out. Daniel said, "That's another thing Nick says. People overload the weightbar and don't pay attention. They can pump it up but they can't hold it and it comes crashing down and they can't get up."
John said, "I have to file these papers and look over the invoices. See if you can unpin that ditz that just crashed!"
Daniel walked over to the benchpress. "Uh, Miss? You have to be real careful about how much weight you....AW HELL!"
Rose lay there helpless. "Aw, hell, nothing! Now get this bar off of me before your boss comes over!"

Daniel leaned over. "Now why should I help YOU, little mama?" He sat down on the bench Rosamond was pinned on. "You deny me access to my own daughter and because of YOU I am now kicked out of the castle. I even had to humble myself and apologize. Good thing I did because I have now landed a job at this fine establishment courtesy of my brother, who is now the owner!"
Rose gasped, "I heard, I heard! Oh and I'll just BET the ladies are swooning over the Gwinnett twins! Now help me up before I become your first lawsuit! And I have the money to drag this thing through the court system!"
Rose tried to kick him with her legs.
"Say 'please'"
"Please."
"Say 'please with sugar on it!"
Rose said through clenched teeth, "Pleeeeze ...with sugar on it!"
"Say..."
"Don't push it, Daniel!"
"OK, OK. I should leave you like this..."
He lifted the bar off Rosamond's chest and said, "What a rack!"
She went to take a swing at him and he said, "I meant the rack the bar sits on! What did you THINK I meant?"
"I know what you meant, Daniel. I'm out of here!"
She walked away and Daniel yelled after her, "Hey, little Mama, your shoes are untied!"
Rose turned around, stuck her tongue out at Daniel and tripped right into the arms of John.
Both registered astonishment.
"Rosamond! What are you doing here?"
"I've been going to this gym for a few years now." She looked at Daniel. "And it looks like I MAY have to find another place!"
Daniel said, "Well, maybe your rich 'daddy' will buy you one!"
Rosamond pushed John away from her and with as much dignity as she could muster, marched to the showers.
John ran after her. Daniel stopped him and pointed to the sign. "No, John. Look!"
The sign read "WOMEN"
John said, "Something is really wrong. She won't talk to me, and won't take my phone calls."
Daniel replaced the weights. "Let it go, John. Other fish in the sea. You two have no bond. Rose and I, on the other hand, have the baby."
"Daniel, if you want to keep this job, SHUT UP!"

Rose stripped down and got into a nice hot shower. I can't believe what a crappy 24 hours I have had! First I drink too much and wind up at the Motel 6 with a guy I barely know, even if nothing did happen, it's only HIS word...then the Gwinnett boys invade the only sanctuary I had left in town. She shut the shower off, dried off and slipped into her street clothes. How to get out...

She walked out of the women's locker room and peeked around the corner. Someone on the phone, looks like it's John, I recognize the way he stands anywhere. Too bad I can't get close enough to check out his ears and chin. Yeah, he's probably on the phone to Pastrami Patterson, setting up a little weekend in Pennsylvania Amish country! The ultimate committment getaway! Did he ever take ME anywhere? Well, OK, so we went to New Orleans---almost 100 yrs ago and that was business. Business of getting Henry VIII out of there before he slept with the crawfishes. Then we DID go to England not once but TWICE! But that wasn't a romantic weekend...well, it started out that way for me but with HENRY! OK, so we did get stuck in Long Island...she shook her head to clear it. Got to forget, MRS. MONTGOMERY! While John's back was turned, she was able to slip out of the gym. Daniel yelled, "Good-bye, Mrs. Montgomery. Now you come back and see us, hear?"
John said on the phone, "I gotta go--gotta go!"
He threw the phone down and ran outside to the parking lot as Rosamond almost ran over him.
He walked back in dejectedly and picked up the phone again. "No, Eleanor, she just left. Saw nothing but the tail lights."

Bethia came into the kitchen after shopping all afternoon. She put her packages down. "Whew! This wedding stuff is so involved! Had to get more fabric. I'm still torn between those two patterns. Who was on the phone?"
"John. Rosamond showed up at the gym."
"Did he get a chance to talk to her?"
"No, she ran into the showers and John was on the phone talking to me when she left. She almost ran him over!"
Bethia said, "Well, I talked to her this morning."
"Did you tell her the truth about John and Penelope Patterson?"
"NO! She wouldn't listen to me. Won't even let me mention John's name." Eleanor turned thoughtful and smiled. "OK! so now we put Plan B in action!"


PLAN B..........by Coralynn

"And Plan B is......the wine cellar!" Bethia becomes animated, "I know how to get John down there! It just came to me! I ask him to help me reach a bottle of wine that's way up on the top rack in the back.....I can have him back there, hidden actually, when you bring Rose down!"
"Good thinking....now, if we're going to pull this off tomorrow, I have to make sure Rose comes over....what 2pm?.....yeah, that's about right. YOU phone her and ask her if she can help choose the bridesmaids dresses, OK?"
"Perfect!"
Bethia goes to the phone and rings up the Montgomery ranch. A snooty-sounding woman's voice answers, "This is the Montgomery Ranch. To whom would you desire to speak?"
Bethia makes a face at Eleanor and tells the woman, "Rose please."
"Can I take a message? She isn't here at the moment."
Blast! Bethia tells her, "No, I'll phone again later, thank you." and hangs up.
She then dials up Rose's cell phone. Good! It must be turned on! Good! She hears Rose's voice say, "Hello."
"Hi Rose! It's Beth! I need your opinion on which bridesmaids dresses to order for the wedding. I know, I know, this should have been taken care of weeks ago, but you have such good taste in these things that I need your opinion on the two dresses I'm going back and forth between. I've got to have them here within two weeks, too.......I know......oh you can? Whew, I'm relieved. How about 2 in the afternoon?.......wonderful.....bring little Julie with you......I agree, if she were older she could be a flower girl.......OK, see you tomorrow at 2!"

"It's a done deal!" Beth says happily, "Now, where do we keep the key to that wine cellar?"


MEANWHILE, Over in PLEASANTVILLE.........by Coralynn

WandaSue aka Sharon aka Susan, drives toward her efficiency apartment in Pleasantville. The Acura is handling like a dream; and so powerful that she goes over the speed limit without even trying.
"Ohhhh mama, this is the way to go!" she yells out as the scenery whizzes by.
She parks in the small lot behind the house in which her apartment is located, reluctantly turns off the Acura, and proceeds inside.
"I am kissing off this kind of dump right now!" she declares as she gathers up her meager possessions and hauls them out to the car, tossing them into the trunk.
"Hmm, lots of space left in this trunk, think I'll go over to where I parked my old junker car and get the microwave and sheets out of it. Why not?"
She slams the trunk down and restarts the car.
"Ohhh man, is this a dream-car or what?!" she exclaims, "Just as good as that silly car Rose the Tramp drives! She's getting on my last nerve! She's been bed-hopping altogether too much, and now my brother? That little witch needs bringing down, and I'm just the one to do it! I still have that tape.....oh yeah!"

She soon spots the '62 Falcon parked where she left it, with a red notice on the windshield which states that if the car isn't moved within 48 hours it will be towed to a junkyard.
"Fine with me!" she laughs as she opens it and removes the microwave and sheets, putting them in the trunk of her new car. She pounds the Falcon in farewell which causes one of the back fenders to fall off onto the street.
Chuckling, she pulls away. Driving to a new, ritzy apartment complex, she gets out and locates the Rental Office.
"I could buy a house, but for now.....this place will do.....gotta have a place to sleep tonight!" she thinks.
The woman in the rental office looks at 'Sharon' and squints her eyes. Surely this person doesn't think she's going to rent an apartment here!
WandaSue sits in the chair by the woman's desk and stares at her till the woman acknowledges her presence.
"Yes, Miss, may I help you?"
"I saw the sign saying you had vacancies. I need a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, furnished, the sooner the better."
The woman looks at her dubiously, "Well, let's see......we have Apt K9 available, would you like me to show it to you? It rents for $1,700 a month......or, we have a smaller apartment that rents for......"
WandaSue cuts her off, "I'll take it! The bigger one, the one that rents for $1,700 a month. How much do you want me to make out the check for?"
"Uhhhh, this is highly irregular. No one rents an apartment sight unseen."
"How much?" Sharon insists.
The woman sighs and totes up the bill......"well, with the security deposit and first and last month's rent, plus the fee for maintaining the grounds and pool and miscellaneous fees, it comes to......$11,300!" the woman feels certain this will sent this low class woman hurrying out the door.
"Fine!" Sharon makes out the check, but realizes the bank account is in Susan Hemingway's name, so puts that name on everthing. Nothing like having a whole string of aliases, she thinks happily.
When the check is slapped down in front of the rental woman, WandaSue knows what comes next........
"Go ahead! Phone the bank. I can wait!" she says matter-of-factly.
Which is precisely what the woman does, and when she concludes the phone call, she looks at 'Susan' suspiciously and wonders how this obvious white trash woman got her hands on the money to rent a decent place to live.

The keys are given to 'Susan' aka WandaSue, who then gets back in her new car, seeing the rental woman looking out the window as she does so, totally flabberghasted, and reparks near her new digs. When she enters the new apartment she is overcome with how clean it is.
"My God! Who's been in here cleaning? You can smell the Pinesol in the air! Whew, I hate that smell, better open a few windows.....there.....wow, two bedrooms......and lookie here! Three TV sets....one in each bedroom and another in the living room! Wonder if they're color......." she turns one on......"Yep! Nothing but the best for this rich-bitch!"

She sinks down onto one of the couches.....ahhhhhh.....this is luxury! But......time to stick it to that old bat over at the catering company.
She dials up the number and when Mrs. Snow answers, WandaSue says, "Oh hello, Mrs. Snow, this is Sharon Curtis of the Mass Curtis Dynasty......yes, I did work for you recently.....glad you were pleased......I know it must be hard to find workers with such illustrious bloodlines.........right........but Mrs. Snow, I find I am unable to work for you anymore..........because.....I investigated your Snow lineage and found that your gr/gr/gr/gr/grandmother Matilda Fitch was ahead of her time........quite a shrewd businesswoman........ok, let me tell you what's so wrong with that........she had the most successful brothel in the entire state of Massachusetts!" and with that she clicks off and puts her cell phone down, spitting on her hands and rubbing them together in victory.

GILDING THE LILLY??.............by Coralynn

WandaSue has purchased several newspapers and every fashion magazine on the stands. She flips through the fashion magazines to see what rich people are wearing.
Photos of young girls with dark circles under their eyes and raggedy-looking clothes assault her eyes.
"Hell, I can look that bad without spending a cent!" she slams down the magazine she's been flipping through and starts looking through the yellow pages of the phone book.
"Gotta get a make-over, babydoll, one that goes with your new image!"
She's attracted by one very tasteful ad that boasts that Mr. Patrick is Hair-Dresser and Make-up Consultant to the Stars."
She wonders why 'Mr. Patrick' isn't in Holllywood if he's so hot with the 'stars.' Oh well, she dials the number anyway.
The phone is answered by a man with a British accent. Ohhhh baby, this is great! British accents are a sure sign that something is high class!
"I need an appointment with Mr. Patrick right now," she tells the British man, "I'll pay three times the going rate for it.........that's right, you heard me correctly........three times..........oh, then he has just had a cancellation and can fit me in today?.......alright then, see you in 30 minutes!"
She jots down the address and goes out to her Acura and gets in, noticing the new car smell. "I'll have to do something about that smell in here," she says aloud, "Maybe hang one of them strawberry scented things from the rear view mirror."

She enters the Mr. Patrick Salon and gives her name. The British man tells her to please wait a moment while he tells Mr. Patrick she's there. He disappears into a back room.
WandaSue looks around at the Salon. Wow, look at all the pictures of movie stars! Do they fly into Westchester County to have their hair and makeup done? Why?
Mr. Patrick appears and looks around for his client. When his eyes fall on WandaSue, he gestures that she is to come to where his chair is. She does so. He walks around and around the chair, lifting her hair, frowing, making sour expressions, then asks, "Who did you hair last?"
She tries to think up a high class answer, but blurts out the truth, as his eyes are boring a hole through her head, "I did." "Well," he says with disdain, "It looks like it! The color you have on your hair is all wrong for you. What did you use anyway? Clairol?" his lips curl.
She nods her head, feeling more and more like she doesn't belong here, but determined to stick it out.
"Aahhhh, no! Never use that garbage! I'll make your hair look so classy that people who know you will pass you on the street without recognizing you!" WandaSue thinks, That's exactly what I had in mind, buster!
She sits there for two hours while Mr. Patrick re-does her hair. He colors it, he cuts it, he won't let her look in the mirror while he works. In fact, he drapes a cloth over the mirror so she can't see it even if she tries. "Now......that's better!" he pronounces, then begins on her makeup. He scrubs her face clean with such intensity that she wonders if he's trying to rub the skin clean off!
He stands back and contemplates the blank canvas of WandaSue's face before him. Putting his finger aside his nose, he stands for the longest time.
WandaSue is getting agitated, wondering how long this procedure is going to take for Peter's sake. She wants to look like a different person, but this guy is getting on her nerves!

He finally snaps out of his reverie and goes into a flurry of activity. WandaSue can feel her face being rubbed on, her eyebrows tweezed.....making her eyes run.....and something or other put on every part of her face.
The so-called 'stars' must be out of their minds to put up with this, she thinks, I don't know if I could go through this again, but hey, I never have to come back here......"

"VOILA!" Mr. Patrick exclaims as he pulls the drape off the mirror and turns her chair around to face it seemingly in one rapid movement.
WandaSue looks into the mirror and a stranger looks back at her. The stranger has straight brown hair with highlights in a blunt cut that ends just below the chin, and her makeup is perfect! How did she get in here?
To test it out, WandaSue smiles widely.......and so does the stranger in the mirror. A-ha! She frowns and so does the other woman. Well, she thinks, whoever this classy-looking woman is, she seems to have landed on me.......sonofagun!

As she goes to the British fellow to pay her tab, which is $1600, she notices that she's even standing up straighter. Getting your hair and makeup done improves your posture? she wonders.
She leaves the Salon looking like a million bucks from the neck up, but, as she passes those store windows in which you can see your reflection, sees that from the neck down she look as ratty as she did before. Time to buy some expensive duds! she thinks. Hell, the WalMart is too far.......let's see how this place called Saks is.......hey, it might even carry the Kathy Lee line, too!

She enters and a very proper looking middle aged woman approaches her......then looks at WandaSue's clothing and shakes her head as if to clear it.
"OK now, lady," WandaSue tells her, "We've all seen 'Pretty Woman', haven't we? Don't make me do a repeat of Julia Roberts' performance!" This puts the saleslady on notice and she tries to keep her revulsion in check.
"I need some duds similar to the Kathy Lee line!" WandaSue tells her proudly, and thinks, Ya see? This woman is surprised that I know the name of a high-class dress line!
"I'm sure we can show you some lovely things," the saleslady avoids responding to the KathyLee reference.
Before the saleslady can indeed show WandaSue some 'lovely things'....WandaSue goes over to a rack of women's summer dresses and begins piling all the size 12s onto her left arm.
The saleslady sees this and rushes over, "OH MY, no dear, you must'nt take more than 3 outfits into the Viewing Room at a time!"
"Too bad, lady," WandaSue says rudely, "But I'm not about to take them to a 'Viewing Room'......I'm buying these puppies. All of them!" she slaps them down in a padded chair and goes to the Better Dress area. Making a clean sweep of all the size 12s she can find, she returns and piles all of them on top of the summer dresses. She walks aggressively to sports-wear and does a repeat performanace.
The saleslady's eyes are popping out of her head. No WAY is this shabbily dressed woman going to be able to pay for these......she hasn't even looked at the price tags......she must indeed think she's in a WalMart!

"OK, tootsie, almost done," WandaSue gives her a nudge as she heads to the shoes. A-ha!! Lots and lots of size 8s.....she stacks one box after another in her arms and puts them on her stache.....and announces in a satisfied voice, "THERE! Add 'em up, sweetie!"
The saleslady works on commission and knows this could benefit her paycheck greatly, but also knows this woman is insane, she can't buy out the store like this! LOOK at her! Her face and hair look great, but her taste in clothes is definitely Yard Sale quality.
It takes the saleslady quite a long time to ring up the sale......there are about 200 items to enter into the computer.....
WandaSue stands there tapping her right foot on the floor in impatience. Finally, finally the tab is complete and the saleslady tells her the amont is ten thousand dollars.
WandaSue is surprised at how high the bill is, but gets out her checkbook and begins to write out a check for that amount. She slams it down in front of the saleslady.
"I know, go call the bank, do it now.... make it snappy!" she demands. The saleslady is on the phone but five minutes before she hangs up and, shaking her head in disbelief, completes the transaction.
"Send this stuff to this address....." WandaSue writes down the address of her new apartment, "And make it quick. I'll just take a few with me"....she gathers up a considerable armful and makes for the door.
"Ohhhh and," she turns briefly to the saleslady, "You were smart, tootsie, you didn't do a 'Pretty Woman' routine on me. Now, go in the back room and take a Prozac!" she laughs as she goes to her Acura and tosses her bounty into the back seat.

It takes two trips from the car to the apartment before she has the new clothes she carried out of the store into her place. She dumps them on the bed in the larger of the two bedrooms, and, quickly taking off her clothes, puts on a suit, something she has never owned before......a pretty one, one that looks like a woman would wear to lunch at the Country Club. Ahhhhhhh, now, babydoll, just lookee here! NO one will know who you are now. Even that stupid brother of mine would'nt know me with this make-over.
Transformation complete! she high-fives her reflection in the mirror.


MARY ELLEN'S CLONE........by Terri

"Hey, Dad, it's me. The morning seminars are over. Did you put the million in that account?" Billy Bob said.
J.R. replied, "Yes, boy, it's there. That should be the last of it. Now somehow we have to lay our hands on those papers she has. The million bought us some time, though."
"I haven't been able to get hold of Rosamond. Her cellphone was off."
"She's at her gym. She sure is an early riser! Met her friend....Bunny? Betsy?"
"Bethia?"
"Yeah, that's it! Met her for something with dresses and then she zotted out of here to do her workout thing." Billy Bob sighed. "Tell her I'll call her tonight. I'm leaving right now for Austin, I'm going to see Donna. It'll take me about two hours to get there. If all goes well, she'll put me up for the night. If not, I'll be at the Hyatt Regency. Kiss my baby for me!"
"Will do. Hopefully that Wanda Sue thing is over. But, boy, legally I don't think you are married to Rosamond."
Billy Bob said, "Then I'll get hold of Francois LeGrange again and have him post date our marriage license or pre-date the divorce papers. I can't think of that now. I've got to hit the road."

Within two hours and speeding over the limit, Billy Bob pulled his rental car into a sprawling house on the outskirts of Austin. He bounded up the stairs and rang the bell.
Donna opened the door. She was a tall willowy brunette, impeccably dressed. Like a photo negative of Mom, Billy Bob thought. Except Mom was small and blonde.
"Hey, Donna, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by...."
Donna looked out the door."Are you by yourself?"
"Yes, I'm at a horse seminar in Dallas for the week. It broke early and I thought I'd come by and see my favorite sister...."
"Your ONLY sister!" she retorted.
Billy Bob inwardly groaned. This is NOT starting out well! She turned and looked over her shoulder. "Since you traveled all this way, I suppose you may as well come in..."
Billy Bob followed her across the marble floor. She turned around exasperated.
"WHY do you have to wear those insufferable boots?"
Billy Bob looked at the bottom of his boots. "Hey, they're clean..well, sort of..."
"If you so much as make a mark on these floors, you're paying to make it right again!"
"Donna, I don't remember you as being such a tight-a....."
"Watch it, brother dear!"
"Look, we haven't said two words to each other since I got married. I should think you'd be over it by now!"

"Over it? You want me to get OVER it? You marry a tramp--AGAIN--because she says she is carrying your child. At least this one actually DELIVERED a baby!"
"Hey, are you still mad about that Sundown thing?"
"My biggest mistake was telling you about Grandpere's will. He's not well, you know."
"Hell, Donna, he's 107--what do you expect? You expect him to go riding and carousing like he did 75 years ago? Can I help it that old Creole was so desperate for his line to continue on that he made that far-out provision?"
Donna was getting red in the face, not a most becoming colour for her. "So you just had to go out and reproduce with your current main squeeze!"
"Hey, Rosamond was already pregnant when I found out about the will. So it's not like I purposely went out and procreated!"
"Every red blooded male in America has seen your bride in the September issue of Playboy. INCLUDING my husband which I don't appreciate very much! AND Buffy St. Clair told me Ralph AND Ralph Jr. have seen it. In fact, Mrs. Montgomery's picture is hanging up in Ralph Jr's closet. Heaven only knows what dreams she's inspired in that little 14 yr old's mind! So yes, I am mad!"
Billy Bob gave her a little smile. "Aw, dome on, Donna. I drove two hours out of my way to see you."
Donna started to calm down and reluctantly said, "I guess you can stay for supper. How's Mom?"
'How do you think? She's laid up and bossing Dad around. Dad's having a ball on the ranch. He can conduct a lot of his senator stuff over the phone and faxes. But I have a piece of news to tell you that only Dad knows."
Donna fixed a martini and gave Billy Bob one. They took their drinks out in the solarium.
"For goodness sake's, Billy Bob. Watch those boots. I should put newspaper down where you're sitting."
"Donna, these are 100.00 jeans. They aren't even dirty!"
"Well, for heaven's sake, take that Stetson off! I have an image to keep up! So what is this news?"
I told Rosamond I would be gone a week. But actually I am flying back tomorrow and I am spending three days in Albany. I'm taking the bar exam!"
Donna's mouth flew open. "After all this time! Why? Oh, no, wait! This is a joke, right? Because to hear Mom tell it, the only bar exam you are qualified to pass is that bar exam to be a bartender!"
"Dad has political plans for me. And Lyle. He figures he can help Lyle in Texas but since I have established residence in NY, I am technically a NY lawyer. Or at least I will be after I pass the bar. I have been studying and finished my last six months of law school in three months. Dad insisted. I didn't want Rosamond to know. I want to surprise her."

"Oh, that will surprise her alright! Is she lawyer wife material? From what Mom said, she's definitely not!"
To change the subject, Billy Bob said, "Well, Donna, you are an aunt now! Want to see a picture of the baby?"
Donna sighed. "Why not?"
Billy Bob pulled out a picture of Julie. Donna studied it for a minute. "She's cute. But she doesn't look like a Montgomery."
Billy Bob sighed, put the picture back into his wallet and said, "Yeah, I hear that alot."

"Honey? I'm home!"
"We're out here, Lyle!"
"We? Who's we? And whose car is out front?"
Billy Bob turned around. "Hey, Lyle!"
"Billy Bob! Haven't seen you since you married Miss September!"
Donna shot Lyle a dagger look.
"In town for long?" Lyle poured himself a martini.
"No, just overnight. Heading back to New York tomorrow. I was in Dallas for that horse seminar. Thought I'd come by and see you and Donna."
"Glad you can make it. How's J.R. and Mary Ellen?"
"Dad's fine, Mom is about how you'd expect."
"And how's that wife and little baby?"
"Fine--which reminds me, I have to try to call Rosamond. Excuse me." Billy Bob took his cellphone into the other room. He dialed Rosamond's cellphone number but it kept ringing.
He came back in. "That's odd. Still no answer."


The evening passed quietly. Donna had invited a few of their mutual friends over. Out of deference to Donna, Billy Bob changed out of his jeans into a pair of slacks but kept his boots on for spite. Julie's picture was passed around, alot of back slapping and congratulations and a few little comments about Billy Bo marrying Miss September that produced laughter among the men.
Wesley McGraw said, "Hey! Remember that time, we were--what?--sixteen? eighteen? Billy Bob was seeing that trailer trash, what was her name? Wendy? Windy?--"
Jody Anderson supplied, "---Wanda. Wanda Sue Skaggs. She had that brother who was really a renegade,. what was his name?"
Buffy St. Clair said, "Slim."
Jody said, "Yes, but what was his REAL name?"
Buffy laughed. "Did he even HAVE one?"
Wesley glared at the women. "...AS I was saying, remember when Billy Bob climbed up on that watertower and spray painted "BILLY BOB LOVES WANDA SUE" in John Deere Green. The police chief was called out and remember what he said?"
Everyone drawled in unison "SHOULDA USED RED, SON!"




PLAN B from WAY OUTER SPACE.........by Terri

Bethia and Eleanor were up bright and early. Eleanor whispered to Bethia, "Do you really think we can pull it off? You know how stubborn both of them are."
Bethia went down to the wine cellar. "Let's see---we have candles, we have matches, we have LOTS and LOTS of wine! That small refrigerator in the corner? I stuck some food in there in case they are down longer than is humanly possible."
Eleanor said, "I put an air mattress, air pump, a couple pillows and a blanket just in case this goes well into the night and on to the next day. Thank goodness there is a bathroom down there!"
Bethia laughed. "If there wasn't, they'd make up out of necessity!"
Eleanor said, "Remember that awful movie 'Plan 9 From Outer Space?' This has it beat! 'Plan B from WAY Outer Space!" They shook hands and laughed.

"OK now to put this plan into action. Good thing John parked his car in the garage. He left early EARLY this morning for the gym. Now he's upstairs, said he's going to take a nap. He must really be bummed out. Usually he is so full of energy."
"Well, now that Prince Charming is down for his nap, this is going to take split second timing or it can blow up in our faces."

About 1:45 Rosamond pulled into the carpark. Like coming home, she thought.
She got Julie out of her carseat. Julie was getting a personality. She smiled alot. When she smiled, I can sure see John in her. He used to smile at ME like that. Now he's probably grinning ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat due to Pastrami Patterson.

Rosamond walked into the kitchen. Bethia and Eleanor were sitting there with a glass of wine.
"OH, good! Julie's here! Oh, and you too, Rose!" they laughed.
Eleanor said, "Let me hold her! " Rose handed her over to El. Bethia poured Rosamond a glass of wine.
"I've kept the fabric in the wine cellar. It's a new method out of France. It is a special kind of watered silk that must be kept damp until you use it!"
Eleanor took a sip of wine and just about choked on it. How redundant! But Rosamond bought it hook, line and sinker.
Bethia and Eleanor communicated with a series of looks. Eleanor said, "Here, let me take all of Julie's stuff in the living room. Even her carrier."
This way there was no evidence that a baby was even in the house.
When Eleanor came back, she was still holding Julie.
Bethia continued. "This watered silk is kept in wine caskets. It lets the colours bleed and you get iridescent colours like you wouldn't believe! Like I said, it's very hush-hush. They don't want the Belgians to get the formula. Come on down with me, I'll show it to you."
Rosamond followed Bethia downstairs. Bethia had put some silk in a casket and left it overnight. She pretended to hunt for it. "I know it's here somewhere..."
"Bethia!" Eleanor called. "I think I found some more of the UNwatered silk in your room. Why don't you go up and get it?"
Bethia sighed. "Rosamond, would you mind hunting for it? And when you find it, hold the lid open. Don't let it drop! The air reacts with the chemicals. I'll be right back!"
Bethia ran upstairs and Eleanor gave her the baby. Bethia went upstairs in her room with Julie.
Part two, about to commence.
Eleanor rushed into John's room. "JOHN! WAKE UP! Bethia was trying to get a bottle of wine from the top shelf and it toppled over on her!"
John rolled over, "mmmm? What?"
"It's Bethia! I think she's hurt! I don't dare move her! She's in the wine cellar!"
John jumped to his feet with Eleanor following close behind.
"BETH! BETHIA! Don't move!" John raced down the wine cellar stairs. Eleanor stood at the top of the stairs, slammed the door and locked it behind him.

John looked up. "What the hell...."
Rosamond called, "I found it, Bethia....and I'm holding the lid open like you wanted me to!"
John whirled around. His eyes locked with Rosamond's. Both said at the same time, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
Rosamond dropped the lid and ran up the stairs. She pounded on the door. "Let me out! LET ME OUT! BETHIA! ELEANOR! LET ME OUT OR I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!"
John sat down on a wine barrel. "I don't think they intend to let us out. Look!"
He pointed to the wine, the two wine glasses and the candles.
Rose continued to pound on the door. "Eleanor, for Pete's sake! I'm a nursing mother!"
Bethia and Eleanor stood with their ears pressed against the wine cellar door.
Bethia whispered, "Hey, she IS a nursing mother!"
Eleanor shushed her. "What, you want I should throw a breast pump in there? Maybe the pain alone will hasten their peace treaty!"
Eleanor yelled through the door. "Enjoy your stay at Chez Wine Cellar! Don't worry about Julie, we'll take good care of her....however long it takes for the two of you to come to your senses and realize how much you love each other!"
John said softly, "I never stopped loving you, Rosamond."
But Rosamond was too busy banging on the door to hear him. Exhausted, she slid down the door and sat on the floor. She laid her head on her folded arms.
John came over next to her and put his arm around her.
"Don't you DARE touch me! Ever, ever again!"
John was totally taken back by her reaction. He walked over and poured himself a glass of wine.
"I give up. You have been a big fat pain in the ass ever since I've met you, Rosamond!"
"Me? ME? How about YOU and that demented psycho brother of yours? Pulling the old switcheroo on me! The only thing I am thankful for is that you weren't triplets!"
Rose walked over and poured herself a glass of wine.
"Demented? You want to talk demented? How about you deciding to get married so you just HAPPEN to grab the guy you were currently sleeping with..."
"HOW DARE YOU!...."
Rosamond and John continued harranguing each other for two hours.They dragged out their entire list of done-did-wrongs. Nary a stone was left uncovered in this no-holds-barred free-for-all. Rosamond finally played her trump card.
"....and then there's Pastrami Patterson!"
"Pastrami Patterson? Who's that?"
"That bimbo I saw you with, that's who! Miss Flat-on-Top-Junk-in-the-Trunk redhead--which is a terrible dye job if I do say so myself!"
John was bewildered. "When did you see me with Penelope?"
"At Chez Pierre. You were with Marty and Barbara."
"But I didn't see you."
"Damn right you didn't see me! I was disguised as a potted palm! And when Miss Fat Butt got up to use the john, I struck up a conversation with her. Oooh, the things I found out! She said in no uncertain terms that she intended to blow Rosamond de Clifford out of the water--both in your professional and personal life!"
"Rose, she's a new co-star. I HAD to go to dinner. Marty insisted!"
"HA!"
"It's true!"
"Is it also true you went to her place for a drink?"
"Uh, yes..."
"And did you kiss her?"
"Rose, you got to understand..."
"Did you kiss her, John?"
"...that Marty is trying to find a substitute for you and having a terrible time..."
"DID YOU KISS HER, JOHN?"
"YES! YES! YES! I KISSED HER, OK? IS THAT SUCH A CRIME? For cryin' out loud, YOU have a husband! Did I go ballistic when you spent the night at the Plaza with him?"
"How did you find out about that?"
"From your very own lips, my dear! On your cellphone conversation to the esteemed Mr. Montgomery the night of Bethia's shower."
"Oh, yeah? Well, you went out to dinner again with Miss Spaghetti Head the next night!"
"Did not!"
"Did too"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"She asked me out to dinner, I said no. I thought foolishly that with Montgomery out of town that we just MAY have time to spend together and go to the beach. You, me and Julie. Oh, and by the way, you almost hit me with the car at the fitness center."
"No, John, I missed. If I wanted to hit you, I would have."
Rose marched over to the airmattress. "It's 8:00 PM according to my watch. I've had a long day. I'm going to sleep."
She flopped down on the airmattress, grabbed a pillow and a blanket.
John laid down on the mattress.
"And just WHAT do you think you're doing?"
"Getting some sleep. I've been up since 4:00 AM."

"Go find somewhere else to sleep because there is no WAY you are sleeping on the same mattress as me!"
"Well, that's just too bad. I'm staying right here!"
Rose kicked at John with her feet. He grabbed them and flipped her over. She started pounding him on the chest and he grabbed her arms and held them by the wrists.
"YOU STOP THAT! You hear me, Rosamond? STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"
She continued to buck and kick. "YOU CHEATING BASTARD!"
John hauled off and slapped her across the face.
She raised her hand to her face, totally in shock.
John was shocked at what he had done. Never had he struck a woman before. The three bottles of champagne they consumed were a contributing factor.
They stared at each other.
"Rose! Oh, Rosamond, I am so sorry....I never meant to..."
And they fell into each other's arms, hungry for love.

Bethia and Eleanor were spending the afternoon playing with Julie.
Bethia sighed. "Oh, Eleanor, I can't wait to have children of my own!"
Eleanor said, "You'll be a terrific mother, Bethia!"
"Eleanor, are you and Jerry going to get married?"
"Heavens no, Bethia. We are happy the way we are right now. Things may change in the future, but we are happy the way things are."
William came home just then. "What's going on, you two babysitting?"
"As a matter of fact, yes we are!"
William rummaged in the cupboards. "I think Coq Au Vin with a side dish of rice pilaf and green beans almondine would be a nice dinner. Now, I've got to get a bottle of wine from the celllar..."
Bethia looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Eleanor jumped up. "William, I already grabbed a few bottles of wine. This should be enough!"
William smiled in satisfaction. "Eleanor, you think of everything!"
Eleanor smiled triumphantly at Bethia. "Yes, I do....don't I !"
William said, "Just where did Rosamond go that you have to watch the baby? She out catting around again? I notice John is not here. He still at the gym?"
Bethia and Eleanor looked at each other. Bethia blurted out, "They are both in the wine cellar! We locked them in! Oh, William, we couldn't help it! It was all a big misunderstanding! You see, she thought that he was going out with Pastrami and she went to the Plaza and tried to make her marriage work but mostly she just cried in the bathtub and then John is at the gym and Rose gets pinned to a bench and John tries to follow her into the shower but she tries to run him over with her car..."

"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Bethia, that is the most run-on sentence you have ever said...you mean they are in there right now? Right as we speak?"
Eleanor and Bethia nodded. William ran to the cellar door. "My precious wine! My wine! First my precious roses and then the vegetable garden and now they will destroy my wine collection...."
Eleanor blocked William's way. "Don't fret, Willie! Bethia and I put your precious collection under lock and key. Besides, it's been quiet down there for a few hours..."
Bethia pointed to the floor and said, "LOOK!"
A note was slipped from under the cellar door. It only had three words on it:
DO NOT DISTURB!


Billy Bob excused himself and kept trying Rosamond's cellphone. Where could she be?
He called the house. J.R. answered the phone.
"Dad, let me talk to Rosamond, pronto!"
"She's not here, son."
"Where the HELL is she?"
"Calm down, I'll explain! She and Julie went over to that friend Bethia's house. Fixing their dresses or something like that!" "Dad, it's 9:00 here. Eleven o'clock your time. She should have been home by now. She's not answering her cellphone."
"Why not call that Bethia and tell Rose to get her butt on home?"
"Yeah, OK, I have the number on my cellphone directory."

Billy Bob dialed the house phone. Eleanor looked at the Caller ID and it read, 'Out of Service Area.'
She turned to Bethia and said, "Uh, oh, we got trouble with a capital T right here in River City! Guaranteed it's Montgomery trying to find Rose. No wonder her cellphone in her purse has been going off every half hour!"
Bethia frowned. "What do we do now?"
"Only one thing to do, Beth!"
Eleanor quickly opened the door to the cellar and within ten seconds threw Rose's purse down the stairs. She yelled out, "Phone for you!" and slammed the door and locked it again.
She dusted her hands off. "It's out of our hands now!"


Rose got up and searched around for her purse. Thank goodness Eleanor zipped it up, otherwise all the contents would be everywhere. She crawled back on the airmattress and John put his arm around her. "What did Eleanor say?"
"Something about the phone for me..OH NO! OH! I forgot! Billy Bob must be livid trying to reach me! I'll bet he called here!"
No sooner were the words out of Rosamond's mouth than her cellphone rang again. She answered, "Hello?"
"DON'T YOU 'HELLO' ME, LITTLE GIRL! JUST WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"
Rose winced and held the receiver away from her ear.
'I WAS WORRIED SICK! I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO YOU AND THE BABY AND HERE I AM STUCK IN TEXAS...."
Rose said sharply, "Don't YELL at me! I will talk to you only if you calm down."
John sat there and grimaced, hearing every word Montgomery was shouting at her.
"CALM DOWN, HELL NO!"
"Billy Bob, I'm going to count to three and if you don't calm down, I'm going to hang up..."
"I'VE BEEN TRYING..."
"..one..."
"TO GET HOLD...."
"...two..."
"OF YOU ALL DAY AND IF YOU..."
"..three!"
"THINK I'M GOING TO CALM DOWN...."
Click!
"...you've got another thought coming....Rosamond? Rose?"

John rubbed Rosamond's shoulders. "Is he always like that?"
"Oh, no!" Rose said. "Sometimes he's worse."
Fifteen minutes later the cellphone rang again. Rose sighed. "He's probably calmed down by now. His temper cools off as fast as it flares up. Might as well get this over with."
"Hello, Montgomery. Done pitching a fit?"
"OK--no shouting. But didn't you think I'd be worried when I couldn't get hold of you?"
"My purse was in my old bedroom and the cellphone was in it. OK, you have me now."
"So what are you doing there?"
Rose sighed. "Bethia couldn't make up her mind on a bridesmaid dress so I came over to help her. They invited me to dinner and we didn't realize what time it was. It's so late, Eleanor asked me to stay overnight. So Julie and I are here. What's the problem?"
"Why didn't you tell my parents your plans?"
"Billy Bob, I'm 22. I don't have to check in with YOUR parents."
"Is Gwinnett there?"
John reached over and started kissing Rosamond on the neck. She was trying hard not to laugh. Or melt.
"No, he's not! He's off at Lake George. Guess he's with his main squeeze of the month. So don't worry."
"How's my little daughter?"
John scowled at that.
"Sleeping like a baby should!"
John made a face and mouthed, HIS baby?
Rose asked, "How is Dallas?"
"Seminars are still going on, I'm in Austin right now with Donna and Lyle. Looks like I'll be staying overnight. Donna has mellowed out." Donna passed by the room and said, "I wouldn't go THAT far!"
He said, "I have three more days at the seminar and then I'll be home."
"What time is your flight due in?"
"I can't remember, I'll talk to you in the meantime. I love you."
"I--I love you, too."
John looked up and said, "Oh, you DO, do you?"
Billy Bob said sharply, "Who's that?"
"That? Oh, that was William just passing by the room, teasing me." She raised her voice and said, "Very funny, William!" Then she said to her husband, "I'd better go tend to Julie. El and Beth are spoiling her rotten."
"Ok, Donna says hi."
Donna passed by and mouthed, I DID NOT!
"Talk to you tomorrow. I love you, darling."
"Mmmm....me too!"
Click!


John leaned back and stroked Rosamond's back. "How about we tell El and Beth we made up and they'll let us out of here and I can spend some time with MY daughter."
Rose smiled. "I don't think William will kick us out of my room!"
She used her cellphone and called the house.
Jerry answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, Jerry, it's Rosamond."
"Rose!" Jerry gestured to El, Beth and Roger and they came running. "How goes it in the dank dungeon?"
Rose said sweetly, "First I will kill Beth and El and then I will give them a big hug! This call is to inform you that the de Clifford-Gwinnett affair--whoops! I mean romance!--is back on track and you can let us out of the wine cellar now."
Eleanor grabbed the phone. "Are you sure? You aren't just tricking us to let you out?"
John took the phone. "Everything is straightened out and you can let us out now. We've already made up."
Now Bethia grabbed the phone. "Oh, I'm SO relieved! What have you been doing down there?"
Everyone upstairs AND downstairs burst out into laughter.
Bethia just gave a little 'oh!'
John got Eleanor back on the phone and said, "Oh, by the way--someone moved William's good stock but never fear---I picked the lock!"
Click!
Eleanor turned to the others. "Better get the brown bag.....William's gonna hyperventilate again!"
They all groaned.


Eleanor unlocked the door. John and Rosamond came stumbling out, looking a bit frazzled but happy.
Bethia hugged them both and said, "Forgive us but we didn't know what else to do!'
She took Rosamond's face in her hands and turned it. "What is this? A bruise?"
John was totally ashamed. Rosamond laughed a little and said, "Ah, the smack that launched a thousand ships!"
Rose said, "But enough of that! Where's my precious?"
Eleanor said, "William is rocking her. It's awfully quiet, though."
Rose went into the living room. William was in the rocking chair sleeping. The baby was wide awake and waving her tiny hands around. She took Julie carefully out of William's arms. "ZHRLDPPHH?" he said in his sleep.
Rose patted William's arm and said, "Storm has passed, 'Papa', go back to sleep!"
Rose came out into the kitchen. "She doesn't look all the worse for wear! What did you feed her?"
Jerry said, "Spaghetti-Os. We slipped them into her mouth one "o" at a time!"
Rose stuck her tongue out and laughed. "Very funny!"
John reached out for Julie. She handed her over and then said, "Next time you go sneaking up to see her, make sure you put the blanket back the same way!"
Everyone laughed. John cradled the baby and sat down.
Jerry said, "So, John, what possessed you to buy a fitness center?"
John put Julie over his shoulder and patted her back. Rose marveled, he's so natural with her.
John said, "I wanted an investment. My producer Marty Henshaw knew the former owner, Vic Martinez and said it was a profitable business. I wanted to surprise everyone. Vic had somehow gotten lazy and let things go. There's alot that needs redone. So now I have Daniel hired. He's a trainer in training and maybe eventually will manage it for me. For now I've taken over. I need to hire one more trainer and a cleaning crew. I've put an ad in the paper for a trainer. Someone who isn't afraid of hard work. I am willing to invest in someone and send them to school. Now I just have to wait for the applicants. I hate that part! But I have big plans for the place, I want to install an olympic pool and hot tubs and saunas--separate for men and women."
Roger agreed. "It sounds like an ambitious undertaking."
Eleanor took Rosamond aside. "Get any phone calls?"
Rose looked over at John and said, "Yes, he screamed and yelled and pitched a fit but I calmed him down. I've seen him worse. He thinks I am staying here overnight--which I am. He is under the impression John is at Lake George so that's taken care of. I told him you all had asked me to dinner and the time got away from me so I am staying overnight in my old room. That IS alright, isn't it?"
Eleanor smiled. "That is SO alright!"
After a half hour of chitchat and discussing the gym, Rosamond looked at the clock.
"Would you look at that? It's 1:00 AM!"
John yawned. "Oh, great! No wonder I'm tired! I've been up since 4:00 AM."
"John, would you carry the baby up to my room? I'm sure the bassinet is still there."
Goodnights were said all around and Rose and John went up to her room. John put Julie on the bed and laid down next to her. He put his finger into her curled hand. The baby gurgled and smiled. Rose laid on the other side of Julie. John said in wonderment, "I never knew fatherhood could be so awesome, Rosamond. She's a miracle!"
Rosamond said, "Yes, considering the untimely way she made her entrance! I think it's a portent of things to come. Julie will do what she wants--in her own way and at her own time! But now she needs to be fed and put to bed.
After Rose fed the baby,she said, "Would you mind putting her down after you burp her? I have to take a shower. This way you can spend a little extra time with her and know the joys of fatherhood!"
"Sure thing, hon."
Rosamond stepped into the shower and let the hot water run over her. It felt so good after being in that wine cellar. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in her white silk robe. Julie was asleep in her bassinet. John sat on the edge of the bed and said, "She's asleep, we're back together, Rose...and all is right with the world."
Rose whispered, "Almost, John, my love....almost."
And with that she turned out the light.


GETTING AN HONEST JOB? (GULP!)...........by Coralynn

Slim hangs up the phone. The "Clark Gable" account at the bank is just as empty as the day he opened it.
He looks around the interior of Room 12 at the Motel 6 and frowns, "Ya know there are people living a whole lot better than this, come to find out. Those people over on Winding Willow, for instance. I need money.......so do I look in the want ads for a job that pays better than jumping out of cakes? or just phone up the Montgomery ranch again?? He flips the newspaper open to the want ads and starts reading.
Fork lift operator? Nope. Computer programmer? Hardly. Marketing director? HUH, what's that anyway? Social worker? HA! I've had enough of social workers from when WandaSue and I had to spend that year in a foster home, nosiree! Telemarketer? Well I sure do know how to use a phone, but I'm not going to waste my time selling someone else's junk. Or am I good on the phone? Clark Gable has no money in his account! what a joke! OK, OK, now Personal Fitness trainer, that one looks like a possible! he circles it in black ballpoint ink then realizes he's marked over the phone number. He tries to erase it with a pencil eraser which results in a hole in the paper. In frustration, he rips the ad out of the paper and sets out for the place.
He doesn't have the company car anymore; they said he hadn't worked more than one job and somebody else needed it more than he did.
So now the indignity of walking or taking the bus!
It's a warm day in June with humidity rising by the hour. Slim's shirt become sweat soaked. He takes it off over his head and keeps walking.
People look at him strangely. Hey! he thinks, "You've never seen a man without a shirt before? Get real!

He arrives at The Body Shop after walking 45 minutes, and hits the first water fountain he sees inside. Then, after drinking his fill, he looks around for someone who might run the place.
He notices a room that could be used for an office, so he walks up to the door and peers in.
John is organizing the office and looks up when he sees someone at the door, then motions him inside.
"I hope you're applying for the fitness trainer job!" he says as he holds out his hand toward the other man.
Slim shakes hands, and replies, "Yes, I would like to work here."
There. Plain and simple, just like me, he thinks.
"Have you ever worked in a fitness center before?"
"No, but I have worked out in them. Back in Texas. I was born scrawney, that's why I got the nickname "Slim"....but I worked out and look at me now!" he flexes his muscles and bends this way and that showing off his self-made physique.
"Tell you what," John tells him, "I can hire you on a probationary basis to see if you're able to adapt to our methods at The Body Shop. If you seem to be handling it well, you'll be offered a permanent job, plus be sent to school to get your Professional certificate."

Slim is about to yell, "Hot Damn!" but stops himself. He sits and fills out some paperwork, but the very first question, "NAME", first, middle and last, throws him.
He searches his memory-banks for his name......uhhhhhhhhhh, Joseph John? Nooooo. Charly Roy? Nooooooo. Awwwww hell, I'll just make one up! Just as he's about to write down George Washington, his name pops into his head and he writes: James Wesley Skaggs.


EMPLOYING the UNEMPLOYABLE..............by Coralynn

"I have to get 'gainful employment'", Rafe tells Jack, "but all I know how to do is steal. William told me I must or he'll take me back to 1777."
Jack dislikes Rafe but realizes that the sooner Rafe becomes self-sufficient the sooner he can move back to the big house.
Jack flips to the back of the newspaper and peruses the want ads.
"OK, Rafe, I think I have one for you," he announces, "It's not as glamorous and exciting as being a highwayman, but it won't get you thrown in jail, and it has a steady paycheck. Right now I think that's a key factor."
"Doing what?"
"Janitorial work at the new Body Shop, the fitness center, which, it says here, is under new management. You could get in on the ground floor, Rafe!"
"The ground floor, what on earth does that mean? And what is janitorial work?"
Jack puts the paper down and tries to think up definitions, "Well, janitorial work means you clean things, and the ground floor means you get into a place at the start when it's hiring new people." he looks at Rafe to see if this has registered.
"CLEAN!?" Rafe is incensed, "I don't clean!! What do you take me for, a servant?"
"Look man, you either take this job or one like it or you'll be bounced back to 1777, right? How can you be so picky when it's either a menial job here or sure death back then?"
"Ok, alright, I'll give it a try," Rafe mumbles.
"I'll drop you off there on my way to class," Jack says enthusiastically, hoping his attitude will rub off on the other man.
"But tell me, Jack," Rafe asks, "Why do you have a car and why are you going to classes and why do you dress in fine clothing, and why do......."
"These advantages have been given to me because I am a hard worker and eager learner, and willing to adapt to the 21st century......shall I go on?"
Rafe shakes his head and goes to his room to dress for his job hunting.
Jack breathes a sigh of a bit of relief and a whole bunch of exasperation.

Responding to the sound of a car door slamming, Jack sees Marilyn approaching the apartment in which Bess and Marthy live. Now there is one fine-looking woman, he thinks as he continues to glance out the window. She sees him and holds up one hand, wiggling her fingers in greeting. He goes to his pile of movies on tape and looks at the cover of "The Seven Year Itch", his favorite. Sure looks like the same woman!! Didn't he hear that she had been brought here through time travel, just as he? Now there was a smart idea, he thinks, rescuing her. She's been coming over a couple times a week to make sure Bess and Marthy are alright and to take them shopping. Nice lady, very nice lady indeed, he concludes.

Marilyn knocks on Bess and Marthy's door, "Yooo Hoooo, girls, it's ME!" she sings out.
Bess is smiling widely when she opens the door, "You're like a ray of sunshine!" she exclaims.
"Ohhhh yeah, that's me!" Marilyn laughs, "Just ask my ex-husbands!"
Marthy comes out of her room wearing jeans and t-shirt.
"These fit when I got them!" she frowns, "Am I getting fat?"
"I'm having the same problem," Bess admits, "From sitting around so much, my body is going all flabby!"
Marilyn grins, "You gals are too young to have that problem. Tell ya what we'll do! John just bought a fitness center and the three of us can join. We can exercise and get our muscle tone back up to par!"
"What's 'par'?" Marthy asks.
"Golfing term, means up to....uhhhhh.....up to the lowest acceptable standard or something or other..."
"What's golf?" Marthy asks and blushes, "Ya know, Marilyn, I am so woefully ignorant of everything you take for granted. I don't know the words for things and so many words you use confuse me."
"Well girl," Marilyn puts her arm around Marthy's shoulder, "That's what you have me for.....I'll try to help. After all, you have what, over 800 years to catch up on?" with that she shakes her head and exhales loudly.
"800 years is a long time, isn't it??" Marthy realizes.
"Now go get dressed, it's time to go over to The Body Shop and do some repair work!!" Marilyn shoves Marthy playfully toward her room.

As our trio of ladies clad in shorts and tank tops, enters the Body Shop, Rafe is at that moment in the office applying for a janitorial job.
John and Daniel know who Rafe is, and are dubious about him, but also understand that getting a job is the man's only chance at being able to assimilate into society.
"It's hard work, Rafe, are you prepared for that?"
"Sure!"
"Have you any experience cleaning?"
"Oh yeah."
"Can you sweep up that area over there in the far corner of the exercise room?"
"Right now?"
"Yes."
"OK."
Rafe is shown the supplies that confuse him, but he does recognize the big wide broom as a broom, and goes out into the exercise room to sweep up.
He pushes the broom around hoping he's doing it right. The floor looks plenty clean to him, and this isn't his idea of hard work, boring work maybe, but not hard, so he continues to push the broom till he sees three women enter. By God, there's Marthy! and Bess! and Marilyn!
The women sign up for membership as Rafe keeps them in his line of vision. What is Bess doing in a place like this, dressed like that?!

This is Slim's first full day on the job as well. He also sees the women signing up and stops oiling the treadmill that had been sticking and stares.
"Who is that gorgeous woman?" He sees them approach and smiles.
"Why if it isn't our guy in the cake!" Marilyn greets him, "What was your name?"
Slim is overwhelmed by his attraction to the woman with the long black hair and stammers, "Uhhhhhh, S...Sl....Slim!"
Marilyn laughs, "You are an awfully hunky man to be called Slim!! I'm Marilyn and they're Bess and Marthy."
"Let me assist you, I'm a trainer here," Slim says proudly, "I'll start you off slowly so that you don't tire your muscles. Bess, would you like to walk on this treadmill? I promise it will move very slowly for you....here, let me help you on......yes, now just walk naturally.....ahhhhhhh, perfect."
Marilyn knows how exercise equipment works and helps Marthy.
Slim continues to 'help' Bess, monitoring her progress and gazing at her in adoration.

Rafe looks up from his sweeping and sees how fixated Slim is. Hey, he thinks, she's MY girl, he has a nerve!
Rafe sweeps up near the treadmill upon which Bess is walking and bumps into Slim on purpose.
"OH! sorry!" he sneers.
Bess then looks over and notices him. "Rafe? Is that you? What are you doing here? Why are you pushing that broom?"
"I have gainful employment, I'll have you know," he says, throwing out his chest in an approximation of pride.
"Well, good!" is all she tells him before transferring her attention back to Slim.
Rafe storms back into the room where the supplies are kept, and, putting the broom back, gets out two good-sized containers and heads for the bathroom.
"I'll show them I know how to clean, that I'm the best!" he brags to himself as he hauls the containers of bleach and ammonia into the bathroom and pours liberally from both of them straight into one of the toilets.
BLAM!!!
"What was that?!" John runs out of the office. Fumes are coming from the men's rest room.
Slim rushes over to assist John and, as they enter the men's restroom see Rafe sprawled on the floor, pieces of porcelain scattered all over the room.
He looks up, smiles weakly, and asks, "Clean enough for you?"


IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME........by Terri

Billy Bob came down the stairs, buttoning his shirt. Lyle and Donna were having breakfast. Donna poured him a cup of coffee.
"Breakfast?" She offered him pancakes and syrup. He tucked his shirt in his jeans. "Yeah, thanks, Donna."
Lyle folded his paper and put it down. "Get hold of the little lady finally, huh?"
Donna said, "Well, where was she? Did she get de-railed, get de-iced? Kidnapped by the Maoris and offered up as a virgin sacrifice?"
"No need for snottiness, Donna. I can just hear Mom's voice coming out of your mouth. She was staying overnight at her friend Bethia's house. She left the cellphone in her purse and didn't hear it."
Lyle and Donna exchanged glances.
Lyle cleared his throat, and said, "Um..mmm...Billy Bob?.."
Donna blurted out."We think your marriage is headed south!"
Billy Bob stopped, coffee cup in mid-air. "Shut up, Donna. You don't know anything about her. Except what Mom has said and that ain't exactly an impartial jury. Dad loves her."
"Dad loves every female from six months to sixty. And if she's pretty, that's all the better!"
Billy Bob checked his watch. "Is it really that late? I have a flight out of Austin in an hour."
Donna said, "I thought you were flying out of Dallas!"
"Changed it last night. Didn't even charge me to change! Montgomery name means something in these parts! Instead of Dallas to Westchester, I'm flying Austin to Albany. I'll take the train home. I have three days in Albany, two days are for the bar exam. I won't do what I did last time I tried to take it." Donna said, "Oh, like take the instructor out the night before and get him drunk so Bobby Joe could raid his room looking for the exam questions?" Lyle laughed. "You really did that?"
Billy Bob laughed sheepishly. "Yeah, but I was only 24 at the time. I've grown up!"
He grabbed his luggage and put it in the car. Lyle and Donna walked him out.
Lyle shook his hand. "Good luck on the bar exam. I'm just glad you are based in NY and not in Texas! That way we don't run against or vote against each other."
Billy Bob gave Lyle a playful punch on the arm. "Actually, I hate politics. Never wanted to do anything but ranch. I did this as a favor to repay Dad for..."
Billy Bob shut up. "Repay Dad for what?"
"Uh, for investing in the ranch. He'll get his money back in two years. But it's no interest. And it never hurts to have a background in law. Never know when you are going to need it!"
Donna gave him a hug. "It really WAS grand seeing you, Big Brother! Except for that Sundown thing...."
Billy Bob gave her a hug back. "Don't be a stranger, twerp! Why don't you come to see us, get to know Rosamond. I'm sure you'll love her. And the baby!"
Donna said, "Billy Bob, she IS a darling child. Maybe I will come to see you real soon!"
Billy Bob got in the car. "Talk to you after the bar exam. I'm sure I'll ace it!"
Donna leaned in and gave him a kiss goodbye. "Bye! Talk to you next week. Have a safe flight home."
As Billy Bob drove out of the driveway and headed up the highway, Lyle said, "So what do you think?"
Donna stared at his retreating tail lights. "Little mama's been a little vague as to her whereabouts. She could tell a lie about where she's at. It would sound better than that, IF that was the truth. No, Lyle, something isn't right in Westchester county. And I intend to pay a little visit soon to the Montgomery ranch and get an outsider's view of it. You can bet on that!"


Billy Bob was speeding down the highway. In the distance, a siren wailed. It got closer and closer.
Aw, hell! He pulled over. The patrolman ambled over. "Let's see your license, son.... Billy Bob Montgomery! Well, I'll be damned! When did you get back?"
Billy Bob smiled sheepishly. "I'm on my way out of town to get to the airport, Chief Wiggins! Got a plane to catch in 45 minutes back to NY."
Wiggins put his foot on the bumper. "How's yer daddy?"
"He'll be back in about a month. Mom's laid up."
"Yeah, I heerd. Shame. OK, just watched that speed, OK, boy?"
"Sure thing, Chief!"
"Oh, and Billy Bob? See ya found ya some red paint!"
Billy Bob looked off in the distance and smiled. On the water tower was spraypainted in John Deere green---
BILLY BOB LOVES....
And in red, over old green paint it read,
ROSE!

Rose woke up and felt the pillow next to her. Gone! She sat up and saw a note pinned on the pillow next to her. It read-- Rosamond darling---had to leave for the gym at 6:00 AM. You were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to disturb you. If you can, stop by. Otherwise I will call you on your cellphone tonight. Kiss the baby for me. I love you! John

Rose got up and dressed in jeans and a sweater she had left behind. Julie was awake and crying. Rose nursed her and went downstairs, baby in tow. Eleanor and Bethia were finishing up breakfast. "Hey, sleepyhead! Do you know it's 9:00 AM already?"

Rose yawned. "That's what I get for putting in late hours."
Eleanor said, "How about John buying a fitness center! He said he still intends to act but this was an investment. And it came at just the right time! Rafe needed a job, Daniel needed a job..."
Bethia hugged Rosamond. "Honest? You aren't mad about the wine cellar? We knew it was a misunderstanding, El and I compared notes but you were so stubborn you wouldn't listen to us."
Rose laughed. "I can't believe I was so stupid as to fall for that 'watered silk' bit. How gullible am I?"

Bethia pulled out her patterns. "Now! This is what I have it narrowed down to." Rose pointed to the dress pattern 7767. "This is the one I like." Bethia looked at it. "Well, that's do-able. It would look stunning on you. Eleanor? What do you think?" Eleanor put on her reading glasses and said, "I say get me a guy that smells like Clearasil and I'll be ready for the prom! NO WAY am I wearing that with roses! Besides, if you do it in pink, it will kill me with this red hair!" Rose stuck her tongue out at Eleanor. "Well, Miss Fashion Parade, which one do YOU like?"
Eleanor pointed to #7693. "There it is! That one there! I like the black one with the ruby red roses in them. Think how striking it would look with my red hair. Simply gorgeous! Jerry says it brings out the green in my eyes."
Rose looked at it closely. "I had a dress just like that---only it had real roses in the fabric. Little sheer pockets to slip fresh roses in. Unfortunately I left it in my closet."
Eleanor said, "Well, go home and get it! Let's see what it looks like!"
Rosamond said, "What! And risk running into Henry? NO WAY!"
Eleanor laughed. "Oh! THAT closet! Well, we don't need it THAT bad!"
Bethia was exasperated. "I can see we are no further along on the selection than we were yesterday. OK, I'm going to pick and I don't want any flak about it. I am choosing #7697. There! I have spoken and that is final!"
Both Rosamond and Eleanor leaned forward and gasped. Rosamond breahed, "It's gorgeous! I love it!"
Eleanor clapped her hands in delight! "Perfect!"
Bethia smiled in relief. "OK--now that the future Mrs. Doctor Roger Bidwell has spoken, I don't want any flak about the color! I have another idea, too......."
Eleanor leaned forward. "Yes?"
Rosamond leaned forward. "Yes?"
Bethia smiled slowly. "I asked Marilyn to be in the wedding, too. She already saw the dress I picked out and thought it was perfect. Ok, here it is! Since it is an evening wedding, we can go with deeper colours. Eleanor, you will have this dress in emerald green!"
Eleanor exaggeratedly wiped her brow. "Whew! I was afraid you would try to stick me in carnation pink! Oh, Jerry will be thrilled! He always says green brings out my eyes!"
Bethia continued. "Marilyn will be in red---ruby red! Like she wore that dress in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."
Rosamond frowned. "I want to wear red!"
Bethia warned, "This is not open for discussion. I have the perfect colour for you, Rose. It is Sapphire blue!"
Rosamond's face lit up. "Oh, John and Billy Bob both love me in that colour!"
Bethia and Eleanor looked up at her. Rosamond just shrugged, "Well, they do!"
They just shook their heads and Bethia continued on. "Jewelry. I know each of you have necklaces that will go perfect with your dresses."
Rosamond spoke up. "El and I will have to switch necklaces. I have that emerald and diamond one that Billy Bob gave me and I know El has that sapphire one. Unless I can wear that emerald dress..."
Eleanor glanced up sharply. "NO! For once I am saying NO!"
Rose laughed, "OK, OK!"
Bethia said, "Now, about the flowers....you will each carry a bouquet of gardenias, white roses, and carnations dyed to match your gowns. Sprays of lily of the valley and baby's breath entwined."
Eleanor and Rose hugged each other. "We will be gorgeous! Wonder if the society page will pick up on this."
Bethia sighed. "I sure hope not! For once I want a beautiful time, not necessarily one that gets in the paper. No, this is a private moment between Roger and me, and I am surrounded by the people I love!"
Eleanor said, "Shoes?"
Bethia said, "Of course! This is not Woodstock..."
Rose whispered, "I think she meant which kind!"
Bethia said, "Oh! Yes, I knew that was what you meant...I think matching shoes that are high and strappy would set the dresses off to perfection! I am sure Rose has a pair like that from her shopping spree last summer!"
Rose laughed, "I surely do! Go to Saks--they'll have just what you want!"
Eleanor said, "What's the wedding gown look like?"
Bethia smiled a Mona Lisa smile. "It's a surprise! And now--meeting is adjoured!"

Rosamond asked the girls, "I have to talk serious to William. Would you mind watching Julie?"
Bethia and Eleanor both jumped up. "Go! Take your time! Come here, you precious baby!"
Rose wandered into the computer room. William was entering new recipes on his computer. She asked, "William, may I please talk to you? Serious?" William hit 'save' and turned to Rose. "What now, my little strumpet? And I mean that with great affection!"

"First of all, William, I will always be deeply indebted to you. Because of you, I escaped from the Plantagenet clutches, I have a shot at immortality, and best of all, I have found the love of my life. I fell in love with John the moment I saw him in the woods in Southold that first day and I knew we were destined to be together. Now I have to ask something of you."
William folded his hands across his chest. "Go ahead, Rosamond. I can always say no."
Rose looked up at William. "I have made so, so many mistakes. I was wondering...is there a way to go back in time and undo what I have done wrong in the last year?"
William said, "There is."
Rosamond jumped up. "William, PLEASE! If I could go back I could undo all the mistakes I made and no one would be hurt! Not John, not Billy Bob, nor I."

William laid his hand on Rose's shoulder. "Sit down. We need to talk. If I take us back in time, you are not the only one affected. This has to be done in one year increments. It is now June. I would have to take us back to January of last year. That's eighteen months, it always starts in January and has to be a full year. Let me explain. You would not be married, this is true. You would be free to marry John. This is also true. BUT you would not have Julie. Julie as you know her, would cease to exist. Oh, you'd have a baby, someday, but it wouldn't be her. You wouldn't be pregnant. Therefore you would have no need of Dr. Bidwell. Look out there!"
Rose looked towards the kitchen, seeing Eleanor and Bethia excitedly planning the bridesmaid dresses and Bethia was holding Julie, hugging her.

"Bethia would not be engaged. She wouldn't know Roger. Do you want to take that away from her? Marilyn would be moldering in Forest Lawn. DiMaggio stopped sending her roses. Bess and Rafe would be a poem children would be forced to memorize. And Eleanor! Since she has met Jerry, she's mellowed. ALOT! Jerry's done that to her. Poof! No Jerry! Daniel would never have been brought to this timeframe, he would have been murdered. Yeah, I know how we all feel about him, but would you really want him dead? That way? You would not have traveled to England and seen Henry2 for what he really was. You may have always wondered what might hae been with him. Never purged yourself of his ghost. Henry Tudor very well may have been killed in New Orleans. Yes, Rosamond, it can be done. But I know you. For all your wanton ways, there is a tender heart there. You would be taking away the happiness and joy of so many people. I don't think you would do that. Not to your friends. Or yourself. No, you made a bad choice and you will have to work it out by yourself. Without the hocuspocus."

Rosamond looked at William with tears in her eyes. "I have never seen anyone glow like I have Bethia. Eleanor is a lot more human and fun now. And JULIE! I couldn't imagine my life without her!"
William smiled a knowing smile. "I knew you'd see it my way."

Rosamond burst into tears and flung herself at William's ample lap. William let her cry and cuddled her like a child.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I was only thinking of myself! Oh, William, forgive me!"
William held Rosamond. "Now, hush! Dry those tears, Rose, my sweet! You would have come to this conclusion by yourself. You've got a good heart, girl!"
Rose wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand. "I'd better go back to the ranch. If I get a chance, I'll try to manage a workout." She smiled through her tears.
"At least I have a public place to meet John! I just have to make sure my worlds don't collide!"
William patted her on the back. As she turned to go, Rosamond said, "Oh, William, John said he'd replace that lock on your wine collection by this weekend!"
William paled and then turned red, paled again. *GASP* *WHEEZE* Rose sighed, walked to the kitchen and said calmly to Bethia and Eleanor, "A brown paper bag, please!"


EDUCATING RITA, I mean RAFE.......by Coralynn

Rafe approaches the school wearing the clothing John bought him not more than an hour before. Man, these things they call jeans are retricting! Ouch! And this shirt is a joke, but oh well.
It's almost 7 pm when he enters the classroom full of desks, a sight he has never seen before, "Oh, so this is what a school looks like!" he mutters as he slams down his books on the nearest desk.
He has to learn to read they told him. Oh yeah, now he has to read the labels on the cleaning containers so he doesn't blow anything else sky high. At least they didn't fire him, so this might not be a bad break.
He slumps in the chair, waiting for the night class to start. A class full of adults who cannot read. I guess that's supposed to be some kind of disgrace in this Century. Hell, in 1777 it was no big deal. But now...oh boy are people getting fancy!
Rafe shakes his head as the teacher enters the room, followed by eight other students, who take their places behind desks.
Mr. Parker waits till everyone is looking at him, and begins a talk on how easy it is for people to 'slip through the cracks' of the educational system and end up illiterate. He mentions how if you didn't get help in first or second grade, it was all too easy to fall behind and then lose the race altogether.
Rafe almost laughs and thinks, what first grade? What falling behind the class? Try picking vegetables and fruits your whole childhood long and see how much reading you learn!! HA!!

Mr. Parker hands out books that are supposed to be geared for adults learning how to read.
"Notice," he tells the class, "how toward the end of this book you'll be reading great literature, epic poems like 'The Highwayman!'" which causes the others to look at him with nenewed interest, "and you'll hear how Bess, the inn-keepers daughter plaited a blood red loveknot into her long black hair!"
One of the women is overcome and says, "I've heard that......oh I love that one...."
"Hell, lady, I lived it!" Rafe says as everyone turns to stare at him.
"I'm sure you did," Mr. Parker says agreeably, "Now, shall we turn to page 1 and begin with phonics, the building blocks of the English language?"
Rafe turns the page. Hmmmmmm......the picture of an apple, how cute. Second page, a picture of a banana. Ohhhhhh wellllll.


LEGENDS never DIE, they just get PAINTED OVER.......by Terri

Wanda Sue was heavy into a REM cycle when her phone rang.
"zzz....huh? Hello?" She mumbled into the phone.
"Wanda Sue? It's Charleen."
"Charleen?"
"Has the hair dye gotten to your brain? Charleen--your sister!"
"Charleen, what do you want?"
"Oh, nothing. But here's this little piece of news I will tell YOU! The water tower? Painted over!"
"WHAT? MY water tower?"
"Yep! That very one!"
Wanda Sue sat upright in her bed. "No! Not possible! That thing is like the Grand Canyon! Mt. Rushmore! It's the first thing you see when you enter the county! Why, I'm a local legend!"
Charleen snorted, "Well, now you're history!"
Wanda Sue jumped up. "What happened? Did the water department finally get around to painting it? I mean, that's been up there for fourteen years! HOW DARE THEY!"
Charleen said, "Well, some of it is still there."
Wanda Sue said, "What? What part? It better be at least 'Wanda'. I mean, I can live without the 'Sue' part. People likened me to Helen of Troy!" Charleen said, "Helen of Troy? Is that the slut from Herbert Hoover High over in Troy county? Really, Wanda Sue, I wouldn't brag about something like that..."
"Charleen, did you sleep your way through English!"
"WANDA SUE! Wash your mouth out!"
Wanda Sue said exasperated, "Oh, for Pete's sake, Charleen, I mean did you doze all through class? Helen of Troy was the daughter of Zeus and some Greek woman. She ran off with some dude named Paris and the Greeks and the Trojans went to war over her. She's the one who they say had the face that launched a thousand ships!"
Charleen said sarcastically, "Wanda Sue, get real! You have the face that would barf up a thousand LUNCHES!"
"Charleen,you were always jealous of me! I remember one time..."
"Wanda Sue, do you or do you not want to know what the water tower says?" "You just told me. The county water department painted over the whole dang thing!"
"Uh, not exactly, Wanda!"
"What do you mean, not exactly?"
"It's been altered."
"Altered?"
"Yep! It now reads, in green as always, "BILLY BOB LOVES...." are you sitting down? In red spray paint, someone sneaked up to the top in the middle of the night and spraypainted....ROSE! What do you suppose that means?"
There was dead silence over the phone until Charleen said, "Wanda? Wanda, are you there?"
Wanda Sue said in a dead calm voice. "I need to make a phone call, Charleen. Call you later!"

Wanda Sue hung up the phone and dialed the Montgomery Ranch.
"Hello?" Oh, great! Mama Montgomery, my ex-mother in law. Only she's not my ex and she doesn't know it! At least not yet!
Wanda Sue put on her most cultured voice. "Hello, yes, please, is William Robert Montgomery there please? This is Lord and Taylor about the custom suits he ordered."
Mary Ellen breathed a sigh of relief. Finally! William dear is getting some decent suits! I am SO tired of seeing him in those jeans... Mary Ellen came down to earth.
"Oh! excuse me, but William is out of town. He should be back in a few days. May I take a message?"
Wanda Sue thought fast. "I would like to speak to him personally. One of our tailors is unable to make out a figure, he doesn't know if it is a '3' or an '8'. We were trying to verify this because Mr. Montgomery put a rush on this suit. Is there any way I can reach him?"

Mrs. Montgomery said, "You may be able to catch him at his sister Donna's house. Her name is Donna Jackson and the number is 512-452-7989. It is in Austin TX and he should be there. If not, he will be home in a few days but if you want to leave a number, I can have him call you when he calls his wife."
"Thank you very much. I'll try to reach him there."
Wanda Sue saw red. On account of two things. Billy Bob was in Austin. Yeah, buddy, it would be just like him to try to erase any trace of me and him. And second, I'm ticked off because everyone thinks Babydoll #2 is his wife! Little does she know that she's only a shack-up. Oh, yeah! Babydoll #1 is alive and kicking and if he thinks he is going to kill off a local legend and erase me from his mind and the minds of the people of Austin, he's got another think coming! Acting like I'm the garbage and he can toss me out anytime he wants to. Well, Montgomery, this is Babydoll and you are going to pay for this one! Oh, yeah! THAT I promise!"


THE CLONING OF JFK...........by Terri

Billy Bob got back to his hotel about 7:00 PM after the second day of the two day bar exam. He took his tie off and threw it over the lampshade, then stretched out his 6'3" frame on the bed. He dialed Rose at the house.
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you, you don't have to pick me up at the airport tomorrow. I'm getting in pretty late and Bobby Joe is getting off work at the same time so he said he'd just pick me up." "Are you sure? It's no trouble."
"No, just relax and welcome me home with open arms! I sure missed you."
"How was your sister?"
"Donna was cool, so was Lyle." He didn't mention the fact that Donna told him his marriage was headed south. "I wouldn't be surprised if she came for a visit."
Rose groaned. "That's all I need, the Texas twosome ganging up on me. Thanks for the fair warning." "So, hon, what are you up to? How's the baby?"
"She's wonderful, smiling alot more now and trying to roll over. I'm going to turn in early tonight so I will take the ringer off the phone and unplug my cellphone. If you try to reach me, that will be why you don't get an answer."
"OK, hon, you get a good night's sleep. I love you. See you tomorrow night."
"Right back at you. Goodnight."

As soon as Rose hung up, she said to Juanita, "Remember not a word to my husband! He thinks I'm flighty anyhow! And Bethia will be a married woman soon. This is kind of like our last fling before we lose her to Roger!"
Juanita laughed. "Your secret is safe with me, Miss Rose! Don't worry about little precious here, she will be just fine!"
"You have the number, and I'll slide out the back door so my in-laws won't rat me out!"
"Have a good time, Miss Rose!"
Rose threw her make-up case and a light suitcase in the back of her car, put the car in gear, and headed for the Big House, feeling like the teenager she never got to be.
Marilyn hinted that it would be a very revealing evening. It would be nice if I could manage a nice quiet evening with John, but he's spending the night at the castle so we girls can have the place to ourselves. What fun!


Billy Bob took a quick shower. He was headed out to the restaurant on the top of the Hyatt Regency. Senator Barber and Congressman O'Hurley wanted to meet with him. He tied his tie and grabbed his jacket. Lord, I hate these ties! Always did feel better in jeans and a T-shirt. Entering the elevator, he punched the button labeled "Restaurant". The two poliiticians were already seated.
"Congressman....Senator." He nodded to each of them.
They shook hands with him. Senator Barber said, "Hey,. Billy Bob. Good of you to meet us. Heard your Daddy is in town."
"Yes, visiting his new granddaugther."
O'Hurley said, "Yes, I heard congratulations are in order."
The senator nodded. "Never hurts to sharpen the old image."
Billy Bob leaned back, "Exactly what are you getting at?"
The congressman and senator looked at each other. "We heard you are taking the bar exam."
"I am. I aim to ace that sucker, too."
"Since you will be a lawyer in good standing, that makes you politically ripe for politics."
Billy Bob took a sip of his water. "What makes you so sure I want that?" Senator Barber looked at the congressman and continued. ""I am at my last term. The state is going to look to put someone else in my place. I'd like to help you fill that spot."
"Why me?"
"You're young, you're handsome, you have a beautiful wife and a daughter, exactly what the people of NY want in a senator. You could be the next Jack Kennedy!"
Billy Bob laughed, "Without the bad back and Marilyn Monroe, right?" Senator Barber leaned in. "I'll cut to the chase. I can help you run for office. And win.
Are you interested?"
Billy Bob shrugged, "I don't know, the ranch keeps me pretty busy." He leaned forward. "But I'll listen to what you have to say."
Senator Barber said, "What we need to know right off the bat so we don't waste any time. Are there any....scandals? in your background?"
Billy Bob smiled and said, "No, Senator. I'm as clean and pure as the virgin snow."
And Austin, Wanda Sue and the water tower were a thing of the past.

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