“Buy Dave Thomas a cake, even though he’s dead”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines”
“Don’t ever mess with a piece of cheese with an attitude”
--The last line of “The Scarlet Cheddar”
"When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it."
"You know why Chicago is so windy? It's because
Indiana sucks and Missouri blows"
“Black holes are where God divided by zero”
"I don't think Ronald Reagen does anything now but gurgle"
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do"
--Hallie Zwibel, teaching us the finer things in life
"All lazy idiots deserve a second chance"
--That's me, and yes, I'm back again
"If a sound falls in a forest, does it make a tree?"
--An anonymous hobo
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown
who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
"Say no to drugs. Say YES to chopping down trees."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."