Yeah I know you're all shocked. Here we have five top notch candidates. Yet, only one can win, like on American Idol, so lets try and justify why my pick will be correct. Adrian Brody, good performance, bad name. Does the academy know if you're in the best actor OR best actress category? NO, because your parents named you ADRIAN. WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY DO THAT? Because of that you lose an oscar. Go thank mom and dad and buy them charcoal. Michael Caine, yeah he's pretty good, but his age doesn't help. If the academy would gonna give this to an old guy, it would be Jack, not you. It's not your fault that you're old, but you just gotta live with it man. Go out there, enjoy life. Buy a Hyundai. You're still young at heart. Now you must be wondering how I'm going to justify knocking off Daniel Day-Lewis, one of the most important people to ever walk the face of our planet. Well, just picture this conversation.
Academy Man #1: Yo, I heard Gangs of New York is getting best picture and best director. I think it's kicking too much ass. The people may smell scandal.
Academy Man #2: You're right. Although Daniel Day-Lewis deserves an oscar and world domination, we can't let him. Tell him that we'll buy him a stereo system and he'll get an endorsement for Wheaties.
Academy Man #1: Sounds like a plan. Doesn't Wheaties want athletes though? No dumbass is going to buy the cereal if an ACTOR is on the cover.
Academy Man #2: You're right. Tell him we'll also throw in some Geoffrey dollars. He can buy his kid a teddy bear.
Academy Man #1: You're a genius. Marry me.
Academy Man #2: No.
Academy Man #1: Ok.
You see my point? After that discussion Nicolas Cage is out of the question too. You can't just give Nicolas Cagean oscar BECAUSE HE'S NICOLAS CAGE. Jack Nicholson is still doing a pretty good job on the silver screen, ya know? He's old, witty, determined, and ready to make an acceptance speech. In fact, he was born writing one. Cheers Jack.
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Hayek Kidman Lane Moore
Well this is a no-brainer. Let me just start off by saying, Salma Hayek, what the hell are you thinking? You're not oscar calibur. For god sakes, you were in "Wild Wild West." Frida? I think I'd rather actually eat a Frito. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell of the academy picking another minority the year after they picked Halle Berry. It would look too weird. Aw, what the hell am I saying...they wouldn't pick you anyway! Nicole Kidman, I'm afraid to say that your appearance in the movie probably scarred any chance you had at an oscar. Any man off the street would probably identify you as Eve, from the bible. Does the academy like wondering if they're watching Nicole Kidman or Eve? No, they don't. Time is money, money makes the world go round, the world going round causes the seasons, and seasons suck. I just showed you that time sucks, as does your nose in this movie. COME ON. Get the damn thing fixed. Diane Lane...all I have to say to you is "the academy isn't going to give the oscar to a wanna-be porn star." I even put that in quotes for you. "Unfaithful" was basically a porn movie in disguise, and it's obvious that high government officials were bribed to give it an R rating instead of NC-17. You should have more class Diane. The world is watching you. Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore. Oh how I hate saying your name three times. You know, you should've told Kidman to fix her nose instead of spending all your PRECIOUS TIME making some other stupid movie. Consequently, you ruined both of your chances at this award, and you gave it to some damn actress from Chicago. Yeah that's right. The whole world is falling in love with this Hoo-Ha from Texas. Who the hell names their kid Renee in Texas? Well anyway, Renee...you had me at goodbye. You know...when you said goodbye to that guy...in the movie...during that scene...good, I knew you knew. The fact is, 2003 is the year of the Zellweger in the Oscarian calendar, and not you, me, or Snuffaluppagus can stop her. Oh well.
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Best Supporting Actor
Harris Newman Reilly Walken
Where do I begin? Ed Harris, good man, 2002 oscar winner, bald. That just adds up to disaster, if you ask me...especially if you combine the fact that he was in The Hours. Seriously Ed, you should've read the script first. Paul Newman? Isn't he the salad dressing/tomato sauce/popcorn guy? Ugh. I mean, he was OK. But honestly, he could've been better. I saw this film, and just seeing Paul Newman there made me think "I bet i'll have to write about why Paul Newman won't win an oscar for this" in my head THE WHOLE TIME. Paul, I just think you could've given like 115% instead of 109. Those numbers will just kill ya. John C. Reilly. This man should be arrested for trying to win an oscar by STARRING IN EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE. And look! HE SUCCEEDED! He must be punished! God, he didn't even have a big part. Why nominate the guy? Christopher Walken is certainly a likeable guy, and his hair is one of a kind, but like Reilly, his part wasn't even that big. Another guy who stars in every frickin movie. We could solve this problem by dividing John C. Reilly into Christopher Walken and getting one because they're both legally infinity. Give the cowbell a break Chris and take some time off. Go on a vacation, even if it costs you your mother. Oh, not you Chris Cooper. You had a great performance. YOU MADE MERYL STREEP LOOK LIKE ANGEL DUST. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Tough role, good show, donut hole. If you don't know what that means, I advise you to go see Adaptation, or read my review about it. Then everything will become clear.
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Best Supporting Actress
Bates Moore Latifah
Yeeha, the Best Supporting Actress category. Well, this is interesting. Kathy Bates has given many good performances in dozens of movies, but clearly her decision to go nude in "About Schmidt" was a career ender, for me anyway. The hundreds of thousands of lives that Bates damaged for those few seconds will probably cost her the oscar, as well as the right to live. If you see her at the show, it's probably a robot specially made by nuclear scientists in an underground lab in Uganda. What the hell? Julianne Moore again? When the academy nominates the same person for two top categories you know it's their way of saying "you aint gonna win ho, here's our sympathy card, kinda." Oscar himself would tear himself out of a statue to say that if he could. Oh yeah, I forgot. THE HOURS IS BORING. I don't care what you think, I won't show moore decency. Pun! Queen Latifah? Queen literally shot herself in the foot by going into show business with a fake identity. Does the academy want to deal with checking birth certificates every five seconds? Maybe she's even a real queen for all they know. Quoting the ever talented Wanda Sykes, Latifah's bra should get the nomination...that's the thing that did the most supporting. OH SNAP! Nice one Wanda. Just for kicks, I'd put that bra up against Catherine Zeta-Jones, in a cockfight. The winner is a crapshoot. Speaking of which, Zeta-Jones isn't going to win this either. Why you ask? Well, just think about it. The academy is known for their high standards and morals. Catherine Zeta-Jones, on the other hand, married somebody much older and richer (at that time anyway). Do they want to give out the message that kids should just go out and bang fifty year olds, marry them, and star in a musical/movie to gain oscar status? You're damn right they don't. And yes, that leaves Meryl Streep. I mean, despite the fact that Chris Cooper makes her look like angel dust, she does give a pretty good performance, so lets all go out and buy her some chocolates, pretend to hand them to her, and eat them as she tries to accept them. That'll show you Meryl! I mean, my first choice is Cameron Diaz, but the bitchass academy decided to leave her off the frickin list. I'd still like to know why...and I can't die in peace until I do. Nonetheless, Meryl Streep will have to take the award in her place.
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Best Animated Film
Lilo & Stitch
Spirit Spirited Away Treasure Planet
One of the most ridiculous ideas in the history of the Oscars was to include this shit category. Oooh looky, I made a cartoon, and I got an oscar for it baby! It's hanging in my bathroom! That being said, our five nominees all have goods and bads, (uglies too, if you will). Let's start with Ice Age, the official "people's pick." Lots of freaky animals, cold weather, John Leguizamo...I just don't like it. You're asking for trouble there. Heck, some favorites have to lose you know. IT JUST WOULDN'T BE FUN! Ice Age, YOU'RE GOING DOWN LIKE THAT MACHINE IN PARAMOUNT PICTURE'S "THE CORE". Onto Spirit. You know, let's do that and Spirited Away at the same time, just for kicks. To cancel out any possibility of any margin of error, the academy is always quick to reject two nominees in the same category that sound like each other. God forbid Elizabeth Taylor does this award and says "The winna is...Spirit...ed Away...of the Cimarron Legend...of Bagger Vance...'s Will Smith...is getting the lifetime achievement award, so stand up and please exit to your right." Hey, it could happen, and all because some horse movie and a folktale sound ALIKE. 10 Bucks says at least two-thirds of three-fourths of the people in the audience who mix those two up win one-eighth of the awards in at least 10 major categories. Treasure Planet? One word: UNCONSTITUTIONAL. To even make reference that there is a 10th planet out there WITH TREASURE ON IT is a crime. We don't even know if there is liquid water on Mars yet people. Hey look Ron Clements! There's a lizard on your neck!...Just kidding! I hope I got my point across. That leaves us with Lilo and Stitch, a dazzling story about a young Hawaiian girl and her pet creature who go on wild adventures and create their own little chaos amongst the village of Sakmadoopie (fine, I made that name up). Will the academy love this? Yes. Will they vote on it? Yes. Will they stop at nothing to make sure that this wins, including dissng bartenders, bribing Gordon the fishstick guy, lying to their cousins and rigging water polo contests so that the worst team wins? No.
My Pick: Lilo And Stitch
Actual Pick: Spirited AwayX
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Best Foreign Film
El Crimen Del Padre Amaro Hero
The Man Without a Past
Nowhere In Africa Zus & Zo
Many of you may turn away when you first see the titles of this category. Here's a tip; don't. The easiest and most effective way of picking this winner is by looking at the titles, because chances are not one god-forsaken person within a 20 mile radius of you has seen any of them. So go slap your parents for teaching you not to judge a book by its cover, sit down, and begin the cancellation process. Step one, El Crimen Del Padre Amaro...translation: The Crime Of The Father Clary. I'll say that again, because it bears repeating. The Crime Of The Father Clary. Don't say that too many times or mucus will come out of your eyeballs. COME ON! Can you imagine yourself walking up to a ticket booth and saying..."yeah uh, one for The Crime Of The Father Clary"? No, you wouldn't, that's STUPID. Give me a break man. Oy vey. See how easy that was? Cross this movie out, and give yourself a pat on the back. Ok, next up. Hero. Let me ask the director of this something. Did you buy a pocket dictionary, flip the pages at a timely rate, stop at a random point and use the first word listed on that page as the title for your movie? 'THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD HAVE AN EASY TIME CUTTING THOSE TREES DOWN, BUT THEY'RE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE. COMING SOON TO THEATRES ACROSS AMERICA, THIS YEAR'S SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER: PAPER. Do you see how that doesn't work? Who wants to see a movie named paper? And how do we know if the movie is about a charasmatic hero or a meatball hero? For all we know it could be a documentary of the Subway fast food chain. Shame on you. Next, Nowhere In Africa. Isn't that a bit redundant? If you're in Africa, there's a 99.9% chance of you being in some place that a soul on this earth couldn't identify. Damn, look at that hot fire over there! I can't believe it's still burning, where are all the trained firefighters? Then again, I guess this guy wanted to avoid what the other bum did by not naming his movie "Africa." Um, just a note. You're movie is going nowhere. Sorry buddy. Zus And Zo. Hmm...if you've been doing your homework and taken note from what I've told you, this should've been the first thing you crossed out on your list. It's bad enough we have to see two Z's in Chicago (figure it out), but now some foreign film has to go use some title with em. ZUS AND ZO? Find me a drunk lunatic who names their kid that, and maybe I'll reconsider my decision. But you only have until Sunday. Ah, the man without a past. Doesn't that sound intriguing? Damn right it does. Simultaneously, you wonder how a man can have no past but live on anyway. Is there a monster that constantly follows him who gobbles up his past as he goes along? Does the man recycle his past and make it his future? Well, well, well. Guess you'll have to go and see the movie to find out tiger.
The Man Without a Past
Nowhere In AfricaX