Secret Document #1:

Yeeha! See ya later AOL website designer. Neato! But consider this Bob. If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? No? I beg to differ. The real answer lies in sack of potatoes. See, we can all relate to our problems by this ultimate spudded piece of pancake. For instance, when you're crying one day because somebody hurt you or you lost your wallet or even because you're just one of those annoying types that doesn't shut their asses up in a movie theater when Jack dies at the end of frickin Titanic, go see a potato. Gently lay the thing in front of you, sing it nursery rhymes, maybe even buy it some hot pockets to keep it company. Now sit down. First try and justify the fact that you're catering to a potato...A POTATO FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE...Holey moley, the roof is on fire. Just kidding Mrs. Reidy! Geez, every time we have a shelter drill it annoys the hell out of me. People stand in front of glass anyway you know. It just gives you a picture in your mind of the glass going right into their eye sockets and right out the back of their heads. Aint that the dickens?

Hashish is not good for you, stop smoking it Barney...hmm what else...well I might as well let the secret go out...Santa Claus, I'm in love with you. For three years now, going on four, I've dreamt about you all the time. Your fatness and your Father Time beard are so appealing, Mrs. Claus must be the luckiest ho north of the Tropic of Capricorn. Even though I celebrate Hanukkah, you will always be in my heart Santa. Thank you for everything. Oh, and paper clips. WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH THESE THINGS? How the heck do they make them curve around into ovalian shape with that accuracy. It just makes you want to stand on your neck and spit limestone out of your kneecaps. If you think that didn't make sense, you don't belong in Harvard.

Anyhoo, three guys walk into a bar. Coincedence? I think not. The bar actually had a sign on it that said, "hey you three assholes, I want you to walk into me so some kid can make a joke about you's guys" Speaking of Signs, go rent it on DVD or video. Heck, I hated the hell out of it but you may like it. Really, you might, I'm just not a Mel Gibson fan. And particularly not one of M. Night Shamalamadingdong or whatever the hell his name is. The Sixth Sense was good, but he's gone downhill from there. Nonetheless he's rich and famous so he could give a rat's ass about what I say. Look at that. I went off on a tangent from the potato conversation because the tangent lines tell you about how the graph of the second derivative looks. OH SNAP. I just aced a math test baby. Gosh darn it, I didn't even study that much, and Mr. Friedlander's tests are mad hard yo, like a rock on top of another rock, squeezed between two metal plates of ice. Life is goin okey dokey. But please god, help Mr. Potato Head win the 2004 presidential election so we can all live in a shoe factory in Sri Lanka some day. Thanks.

Life is like a game of chess...only the nerds succeed

Did I mention that I'm an avid chess player? Boom, splat, squish, kerplat. I'll be taking your bishops like there's no tomorrow Johnny. Please support Capitalism. Why the devil do pirates eat fruitcake? These questions, and more, on an all new 60 minutes. That is, if all the 60 Minutes anchors don't die tomorrow. Come on guys, lighten the show up a bit. Maybe have some strippers do the top stories and Andy Rooney be the camera guy. I'm sure he wants some excitement in his old age. I'm getting tired of all this, and I's aint gawna take it no maw. At least that's what Bob said.

Fine, the truth will come:

Name: They call me Mr. Ganickledoo

Hobbies: Watching television, breathing, sports (is that implied already?), movies, thiking of hobbies to write down, feeding my dogs (I'VE GOT TWO OF EM I TELL YA), finding derivatives, buying lunch, washing my hands (oh yeah I know you like that one)

Stupid people have: Two heads, a nasty attitude, aibohphobia (look it up), tattoos written all over their friggan bodies, corn on their shoes, never seen Forrest Gump, Chalupas.

Why I'm doing this: No reason, boredom, for Santa Claus, to achieve a better purpose in life, joviality, for all the other Ewoks out there that JUST DON'T HAVE A CHANCE...GIVE THEM A CHANCE DAMN IT!

Shoutouts: Yo what up Yehuda, Robby K., Harry, Mikael Rosen (yeah that's your name in some foreign country), Satan, the guy who invented fingerpainting, Doogie Howser, Consuela, Papa Roach, Rapa Poach, a football coach, Lord Vauldemort, Peter Pan, the skipper, and last but not least, Loopy Rodriguez