The Scarlet Cheddar

Back in the 19th century worldwide famine of the munchies, it was common for foods to be condemned for their crimes and their evils committed against the “greater good of mankind.” In the small town of Boston Market, there lived many a product of the almighty food chain, most in the wide range of dairy to meat. (For the Jewish nourishments a Parvre section was created). Anyways, this town was focused on preaching good pasteurization skills and sustaining goodness under specific temperatures. The town was quaint and beautiful, except for the local garbage dump, which gave East Side Boston Market its bad reputation. Out there, nasty, rotten food ended their lives, painfully and rigorously. But dealing with foods that had behavioral problems was a whole different story.

All sorts of punishments were devised to deal with this group of foods. Hams were spliced, potatoes got their eyes poked, corns were cobbed like there was no tomorrow. You don’t want to know what happened to the rest of them. One specific case stands out though. It is the story of the Scarlet Cheddar. This tale is short, but will be ever-lasting to any cheese lover who hears it. It is a mockery to the dairy chain, a tale that will shock the people who…don’t get shocked a lot. Shall I begin this mighty tale of grief? That I shall…

Boston Market had a reputation for its obedient foods. Many turkeys and side dishes of corn and potatoes went to live better lives after serving with Boston Market. Located in 19th century Massachewsetts, it did not give a lot of religious tolerance to every single piece of food. That set the stage for the daring young cheddar, son of Muenster and Roquefort, well known for the contributions to the Protein society.

Muenster and Roquefort raised Cheddar to be a good little curd, with all the proper elements that a cheddar must have. Some day perhaps he could be scouted by Entermanns or Kraft. His parents were satisfied, and thus, let him out into the world of the munchies, to make friends with fellow foods, maybe a cheese of his own to marry.

Little did they know that Cheddar followed Carbohydrate ways and condemned the Protein society. He stayed up late at night and partied with the rolls of bread, the pastas, the cheerios and even the little annoying bee that advertises the cheerios. Sometimes he would buy illegal nutrients from the dealers. He usually came home late and insisted that he lost track of time, and blamed the Pillsbury Dough Boy for making him poke his stomach. But the Reverend Master Ginger Ale was happy to see Cheddar go along his own path of happiness. Too bad other edibles lacked the same opinion. Sooner or later the young fellow would have to face reality and learn that he had to follow Protein ways.

One man that greatly despised the actions of the young Cheddar was Roger Twinkiesquirt. Twinkiesquirt received this name because he had loved to steal Twinkies after the fell asleep and squeeze the filling out of them. He used the filling as a substitute for shaving cream, putting it on napping food’s hands and tickling their noses. The consequence: A whole lot of produce with Twinkie cream moustaches. His real name was never known. Indeed, he was a very sneaky man, and still yet, a lot is concealed from the general public. One rumor says that he cheated funds out of Kellogg and General Mills, but who am I to accuse anyone? I’m just a narrator, and my objective is to tell you the clear facts. If you want to know what food the damn guy is, I can’t tell you…yet…because that is revealed later. He covered himself with a tablecloth most of his life. Actually, nothing was really known about this dude except for the fact that he wanted to see the downfall of our protagonist Cheddar. That’s about it.

Of course, back to Cheddar again. Twinkiesquirt devised a master plan to destroy the life of young Cheddar, hating him because he was so popular among the Carbohydrates, a group that looked down upon him. He decided to frame him somehow, in a way that only a sick demented genius as he could think of. He would gather Governor Jelly Ham and Reverend Wheat Thin and bring them to a scene where Cheddar seemed to be “in the act” with the Rigatoni, a happily married pasta to macaroni. To lure Cheddar to the Rigatoni, Twinkiesquirt would tell Rigatoni in advance to meet in the kitchen at 6:30 P.M. (Pre-Meal), and to be ready for Cheddar. He somehow convinced Rigatoni that she would have to do a love scene with Cheddar for an audition in the town play, “Of Rice and Zen”: The struggle of a dumbfounded grain of rice who tries to live his life-long dream of joining a Japanese Buddhist sect. Twinkiesquirt said that he was the director and that he needed a young enthusiastic actress like Rigatoni to portray the role opposite of Cheddar.

This had always been Rigatoni’s dream, so she did what Twinkiesquirt said to do, and it’s because of her that we have some consequential rising action in this story of crazy food products. At 6:00 P.M. Cheddar always met his Carbohydrate friends at the place that Twinkiesquirt told Rigatoni to be (the kitchen). And sadly to say, Cheddar had feelings for Rigatoni. Don’t ask me why and don’t ask me how. As you can very well see, this is pretty much an accident waiting to happen. Good thinking you evil maniac, and you didn’t even need Twinkies to do it.

The next day, the stage was set for the adultery to be taken place in the kitchen. Jelly Ham and Wheat Thin were lured there at 5:45 by Twinkiesquirt, and eagerly waited for the “celebrity” that was showing up. (Clever little Twinkiesquirt told them that Governor Mint Drops was going to be there. He was a big hit in the other towns). Five minutes until show time, Rigatoni entered the scene. After all, she would not want to be late for her big chance at stardom right? She sat there and waited, pondering how she would approach the young Cheddar.

In the eyes of everybody mentioned so far in this scene, young Cheddar arrived. At first he searched for the Carbohydrates because he usually saw them there. But Twinkiesquirt told them in advance not to show up because the area was to be restricted that day. Yeah, this guy had all the angles covered. After seeing Cheddar, Rigatoni dashed up and read her lines quickly before having to do the dirty work. “You’re just a block of cheese, but I can’t resist you! Marry me young Cheddar, we can live happily together in the slums of Boston Market!” “You need help lady,” replied the cheese.

But before he knew it, Rigatoni had committed to her role and fell on the floor with the cheese. In total shock, Governor Jelly Ham stormed in and screamed like…a Jelly Ham does. “HEY, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE? ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE! GET OFF THE FLOOR YOU…YOU LEFTOVERS!” The stunned Rigatoni jumped up and started to yelp. The Cheddar, stunned as well, tried to give a witty reply to Jelly Ham. “Sir, they don’t serve leftovers in Boston Market, it’s a commercial chain.” Jelly Ham raised a finger, started to reply, but knew that Cheddar was right. “That doesn’t make up for your hideous crime. Wait until Macaroni hears about this.”

“NO YOU CAN’T TELL MACARONI,” squealed the Rigatoni. But Jelly Ham insisted that he had a right to know, and would not give into the pasta’s pleas. Thus, a fight resumed. “You stupid Jelly Ham. Who the hell puts Jelly on their ham anyway you idiot?” “DON’T mock me Rigatoni or I’ll have you banned from this town. I already have a great punishment planned for Cheddar and you; this should be a good one.

Rigatoni wanted the last word, so she said some more things. And why not, she was pretty much screwed anyway. “Let me say this you fat ugly meaty thing. You come from a pig and you certainly act like one. YOU should be banned from society. You already take up all the room in the freezer.”

And that was the last thing Rigatoni ever said to Governor Jelly Ham. To the delight of Mr. Twinkiesquirt, Rigatoni was shoved in Chef Boyardee can and shipped off to Kentucky. Apparently, he was going to be manufactured for some fried chicken joint. But hey, at least he’s traveling with his own kind right? Don’t feel too bad for him. Macaroni was upset for quite some time, but got over it. He knew that his beloved ex-wife was innocent, so he accepted the cheese adulterer back into his life. That was not the end of the punishments though. The fate of the Cheddar has not yet been revealed.

A committee was put together to devise a chastisement for the partner in crime, the cheddar. Having already sent Rigatoni away, they felt the need for greed, to finish off their task although they knew the Cheddar was innocent. Twinkiesquirt was put on the committee, having been a witness to the “crime” that took place. He suggested a horrible punishment involving Twinkies, and for your convenience I’ll spare you your appetite and keep it to myself. Reverend Master Ginger Ale did all he could to persuade the committee otherwise, but a master plan that was yielded from Reverend Wheat Thin was voted on unanimously. They decided to make the cheddar the color red for life…a permanent sunburn if you will.

You might already be thinking to yourself: Hey, there’s another red cheese, but I don’t know what it’s called. You might be thinking of Red Leicester, a bright red cheese that originated in England, just like Cheddar did. However, in the town of Boston Market, English food products were despised and mocked. Let it be known that the Boston Tea Party was not really led by Samuel Adams, but by loads of detesting and irrational pounds of food that you didn’t want to mess with.

Our young cheddar had ancestors as a part of that…and he was a rebel as well. He cared nothing for his former country. That separated him from Leicester, but in no way made him feel better. Now he had to share a color with a cheese that he despised, except for the fact that his shade of red would be darker, a shade dubbed “scarlet.” The town officials really didn’t know how to get it on there so they used the evolutionary method – red sharpies. For days and days they scribbled on Cheddar who was confined in a Tupperware container. Cheddar’s mom and dad, Muenster and Roquefort, could do nothing but watch the family tree crumble to pieces. What fate would a red cheese have?

After the council was done putting the red on the cheddar, he gained the nickname, “The Scarlet Cheddar.” It rhymed with Hawthorne’s novel at the time so the foods found fun in it. After he was fully red he was carried up to the top of a cheese factory for all of Boston Market to see him. He stood up there for three hours, getting laughed at and mocked. Everyone was taken by shock. “THE CHEDDAR IS REDDER, THE CHEDDER IS REDDER!” The only individuals that had pity for him were his parents, Reverend Ginger Ale and some Carbohydrate friends. His reputation was ruined. His life was ruined. But his revenge…no, that would be sweet, so sweet that it would make Twinkiesquirt wish that he was never born.

For the next twenty years, life went on. At the point twenty years later after the cheese factory mockery, Cheddar had fully finished his plan. Twenty years of work could not fail him now. Actually, he spent the first eighteen crying about his miserable life while watching “Matzah.” (Matzah was Boston Market’s Oprah, they all looked toward it for inspiration. They figured that if a piece of unleavened bread could achieve happiness, anyone could). Taking him eighteen years to realize that doing that was pretty much pointless, he spent the next two in full training combat. He could not let Twinkiesquirt defeat him, so he had to do something. One peaceful day in mid-August, Cheddar decided that he could only feel better if he made Twinkiesquirt’s life a life a living hell, and set out to execute his plan.

Cheddar walked into town and interrupted the daily council meeting on that very day. They immediately began to make wisecracks and insulted the now middle-aged cheese. “What does Reddy Betty want today?” or “Did anybody order some hot cheese?” Cheddar ignored them, and demanded to know where Twinkiesquirt was. With no intelligent answer from these clowns, Cheddar searched Twinkisquirt’s mansion, a giant oversized Twinkie. That was hard to guess wasn’t it? There, the demonic evil thing laid in his quarters.

“GET UP YOU FOOL, I HAVE BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF WITH YOU,” demanded the angry cheese. Twinkiesquirt was stunned, and got up with a look of terror. “Go do your business somewhere else Cheddar. What’s the matter? Bored because you can’t find any Rigatoni?” This comment put a jolt into Cheddar. Oh it made him furious, and although he was already literally red in the face, you could imagine it would be if he were still yellow. “UNCOVER THYSELF TWINKYDINKY, WHY NOT SHOW YOUR FACE LIKE A REAL…Hey, I don’t even know what to say because I don’t know what the heck you are, that’s not fair.” With this Twinkiesquirt carefully fastened the tablecloth over his head, never hearing such a remark in his life. Cheddar wondered why he/she or whatever the heck it was would do such a thing. “THY SOUL IS NOT CLEAN, YOU RUINED MY LIFE. YOU WILL PAY!”

Twinkiesquirt followed this remark with a clever response because it got off the topic and created a pointless fight, and people love those. “Stop saying thy, its annoying.” “Shakespeare said it, why can’t I?” “Because you’re not Shakespeare.” “Thank you Captain Obvious, anything else I need to know?” “Your sarcasm doesn’t hurt me Cheddar.” “Does it hurt your Twinkies?” “Why get the Twinkies involved in this? What did they do to you?” “ENOUGH OF THIS, IT’S POINTLESS!”

After ending the pointless fight rather pointlessly by saying it was pointless, Cheddar and Twinkiesquirt quieted down, and started yelling again, naturally. You almost wish you were in the room with them. “Do you know what you did to Rigatoni? You hurt her, she’s in Kentucky now with a bunch of CHICKENS and I’m in a state of depression. Why Twinkiesquirt, why?” “WHY YOU ASK? WHY DON’T YOU ASK THE CARBOHYDRATES? They HATED me Cheddar. All I wanted was acceptance, and I never got it. So I resorted to Twinkies because they’re rich in Carbos.” But the angry Cheddar was dissatisfied with this. “You are just a stupid fool.” “No, you’re a stupid fool.” “Stop copying me Twinkiesquirt, I don’t have time for this.” “Oh yeah? What do you have time for?” “THIS!”

And with that, the Scarlet Cheddar struck a match and threw it on the tablecloth that covered old Roger Twinkiesquirt. “GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF!” This is what Cheddar had wanted to hear for years. He quickly grabbed the tablecloth and flung it off Twinkiesquirt. Now…I could be like Hawthorne and let you guess as to what this wretched creature was by asking, “What was the old fellow really, was it even a food?” But that leaves you with a lot of questions, so I’ll just tell you. Old Roger Twinkiesquirt was a piece of ravioli, part of the pasta group, indeed a Carbohydrate. The story goes back quite a bit.

In the 16th century, other Carbohydrates that ruled the area of Boston Market oppressed Twinkiesquirt’s ancestors. The ravioli, they said, was not morally fit for their group, so they made it like an untouchable in the Hindu caste system. Ever since, the ravioli has been put down. After doing some research and finding out the facts, Twinkiesquirt wanted revenge. He hated Cheddar because he hung out with the Carbohydrates and considered him one of them. Of course, Twinkiesquirt decided to cover his identity so that he wouldn’t be taunted…or so he thought. It really wasn’t a hobby any more for the Carbos to annoy anybody else, so it was plain old mind games that led this sick-o to his insanity.

Claiming vengeance for his ancestors, he set up the plan to get the rigatoni and Cheddar both caught at once, which was pretty much killing two birds with one stone for him. He was happy after the scarlet coloring was applied to Cheddar but never really lived a life of happiness. Who could after covering themselves with a tablecloth their whole lives? Not you, not me.

Getting back to the present, Cheddar grabbed Ravioli/Twinkiesquirt and thrust him out into the open where every food could see him. The town was stunned and the lifeless piece of pasta could do nothing else but cry. The embarrassing moment for this evil creature turned out to be very fitting for the finally relieved Cheddar. Cheddar gave Twinkiesquirt his tablecloth back and a promise that he’d be all right if he confessed to the conspiracy of his and Rigatoni’s fake love scene mentioned earlier. Twinkie Man did as told, but knew his future was bleak. But was Cheddar truly satisfied yet? We still have Governor Jelly Ham and Reverend Wheat Thin to consider. The future didn’t look so good for those two con-foods either.

In a crime that Boston Market refers to as the infamous “Meat-Wheat-Cheat Scandal” all three were convicted of conspiracy against an innocent dairy product and sentenced. Reverend Ginger Ale played a big role in the court case, having big influence on the jury, which consisted of all six food groups to make it fair. To serve their sentences, they all had to work in a Twinkie factory for thirty years. They all lost their top positions, and were miserable for the rest of their lives. Reverend Master Ginger Ale became governor of Boston Market and the town did fairly well in the next thirty or so years.

And what about our little Cheddar? After Ginger Ale took command, Cheddar became well respected and liked among the Protein society. Not long after the court case, Cheddar hit it off with Mozzarella, and boy oh boy was that one heck of a relationship. They had some crazy and wild times, but eventually settled down with a daughter they named “Swirl.” Also, the sharpie wore off many years later, and for that time, between the color reverse and his death (don’t worry about that he had a great funeral) he had some of the most memorable years of his life. Some other good news…Rigatoni landed an acting job in Kentucky and became a huge role model to all the little noodles that looked up to him. Up until the mid 20th century the food world flourished, overcoming the famine of the munchies. And what can we learn from this story? Good always wins over evil? Maybe, but one thing’s for sure. Don’t ever mess with a piece of cheese with an attitude.