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THE VICK HALLOWEDDING
A non-traditional wedding ceremony
in one act
By Jonathan M. Vick
SETTING: A cemetery. There is a large mausoleum up center. The mausoleum is ornate with large double doors. On either side of the mausoleum there are headstones. To the left of the mausoleum is a puppet stage. The audience sits on crudely made benches. Over them there is a canopy of black lights, some of which are broken and burned out. Halloween decorations are mixed with wedding decorations.
AT RISE: From the Lion King, “The Circle of Life” plays, ending with the “Places, please. Places for show” places call, bringing the audience to their seats. Eerie silences for a moment, with only the sounds of a distant thunderstorm and wolves howling in the background. The “Theme from Alfred Hitchcock Presents” plays and BUBS, a small blue alien puppet, appears over the puppet stage.
BUBSGood evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Bubs Hitchcock presents. In tonight’s episode …
HALWhat’s with all the noise? It gets so an alien can’t sleep through the night.
BUBSHal! Don't stop me! I'm on a roll! Like I was saying, in tonight's episode ...
HALBubs, what are you doing?
BUBSI'm trying to introduce a wedding. Now if I may continue ... thank you. In tonight's episode, I will take you ...
HALBut Bubs, it's midnight on Halloween Eve. Why would you be introducing a wedding out here in a cemetary?
BUBSBecause it's the site of the Vick Hallowedding!
(The Imperial March from Star Wars plays)
HALThe Vick Hal- owedding?
HALThis Vick person is using my name for his wedding? Real original Vick!
BUBSHal, now take it easy. It's the Hallowedding. Halloween and a wedding all in one.
HALOh, I see. Real original Vick! You know, maybe I ought to stay. How many times do you get to see a wedding in a cemetary? But what kind of sick, twisted bastard –
ANNOUNCERLadies and gentlemen. Tonight’s performance of the groom will NOT be played by Mr. Brad Pitt. Instead, our understudy, Jonathan, will take on the roll of the groom. Thank you.
HALOh, it’s that sick, twisted bastard!
BUBSThere once was a man named Vick, who was lonely and thin as a stick. He dug up a wife, and brought her to life, and now she likes to ride on his –
HALHey, hey hey! You can’t say that! There’s kids here!
BUBSI can’t say “coattails”? She rides on his coattails? I can’t say that?
ANNOUNCERLadies and gentlemen. Tonight’s performance of the bride will NOT be played by Ms. Angelina Jolie, Ms. Nicole Kidman, or Mr. Matt Damon. Instead, our understudy, Stephanie, will take on the roll of the bride. Thank you.
BUBSHal, wait, I got a joke for you. Did you hear about the Mummy groom and the Corpse groom fighting over the same bride in a cemetery?
BUBSThe Mummy gave up. He said the Corpse cadaver! Get it? Cadaver?
HALWho are you?; Tony Whitten?
BUBSNo, I’m James Donmoyer.
HALReally? Let me see. I’ll be damned. You are James … dude, do you know where his hand is?! That’s gotta hurt!!
BUBSIt's all right. I had Taco Bell for lunch. Heehee.
HALSo, what do I need to know about this wedding before it begins?
BUBSJust a few things. There will be strobe lights, so if you’re sensitive to light you should coordinate your blinking with the flashes. Also there will be fire, so if you, your costume or your breath is flammable, you might want to keep your distance. Audience participation is requested during the singing and dancing portions of the ceremony. Those who do not sing and/or dance will be blamed for all the ill omens in the marriage. You will find your songbooks littered around the general area. If you don’t have one of your own, please share with a neighbor.
HALWhat about flash photography?
BUBSI'm glad you asked. Flash photography is permitted and encouraged. You may also take as much video as you like. However, please keep your arms, legs, hands and feet inside the cemetery at all times until the marriage ceremony comes to a complete stop.
MONORAIL VOICE OVERFor those of you standing, please hold on to the handrails and stay clear of the doors. Please offer available seating to those needing special assistance. If you're standing, please hold on to the handrails and stand clear of the doors. They will be closing in a moment. Thank you. Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor, mantenganse alejado de las puertas.
HALDon’t forget to visit StupidSciFi.com and come see more Bubs and Hal!!
BUBSAnd now, ladies and gentlemen, the Vick Hallowedding.
(The music from Scooby Doo plays them off)
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