A Letter To Alex...From Michael

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

Category: Angst

Summary: Come on, it's pretty self explanatory isn't it? Set after Alex's death but AU (since they were written before the episode aired ;)).

Authors Notes: This whole series became AU after the writers screwed up and did what they did with Tess so you will see things mentioned that didn't happen in the show ie, Tess and Max aren't together, Tess didn't kill Alex yada yada yada. You'll see when you read anyway.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hey,
Just me. Listen before I get started don’t be expecting a soppy letter…I don’t do that. No matter what I think or feel about it I’m only writing for one reason. Maria.

See I haven’t really been able to help her the way I want to…and that, in a way is your fault. She’s terrified that I’m going to leave her like her dad and you did, so she’s putting up these walls that it’s hard to get around. Amy says she did the same when her father walked out on her but…I want her to trust me. I need her to let me help what use am I if I can’t make her feel better? Who would have thought I would have said that last year? Who would have thought Michael Guerin would have “needed” anything..or anyone. But she isn’t “anyone”- she’s..she’s my life.

I love her. No matter what any of you think.

How did it happen Alex? How did you manage to disappear so suddenly? Didn’t you think we would notice? Didn’t you think we would mind? God, how could you be so selfish?! Didn’t you trust us to work everything out? I don’t care if it was an accident or if Liz is right…everything happens for a reason and you know what? Your reason wasn’t good enough to leave us! No matter what. They all needed you and you aren’t here for them. Maria, Isabel and Liz; they all need you here and Max Kyle and me aren’t able to help. No matter how much we want to. You should be here for them!

…. Damn. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be lashing out at you. The truth is…the truth is that I was a little freaked out. You were never supposed to be the first. It should have been one of us…it was our destiny to be soldiers…we were ready to go. Sort of anyway. And you went and beat us. I suppose in a way it could maybe have been worse…for me anyway. It could have been Maria…what if it had been? I wouldn’t have handled it…I would have lost it. National Enquirer would have had a headline that was true at last: “Mad Alien goes Bezerk!” and the FBI wouldn’t have a problem finding evidence of alien activity. But it wasn’t Maria…it was you. Why doesn’t that make me feel better…we weren’t that close. I should just be glad that it wasn’t Maria…I should be…but I’m not. How can I be? You were one of the few people I trusted on the planet…you were one of the few people I cared about on the planet. Guess that’s one more name I get to scrub of the Christmas card list huh? Courtney, Grant, Nasedo and you: its amazing how we seem to attract disaster. Isabel blames herself; another human boyfriend bites the dust, so to speak. Max does as well. He thinks that if he got to you sooner you would maybe still be here. Good old Max…anything goes wrong and he’ll inevitably find a way to be responsible for it.

Liz is trying to make it an “alien” issue: like the four of us don’t feel guilty enough about it. Why didn’t you all listen to us when we told you not to get involved? Were the good times worth this? Was knowing us worth messing up your life for? Was loving Maria worth caring about you all? If you had known how it was going to turn out would you have changed anything? God…things were so much less complicated a couple of years ago. All I had was Max and Isabel…we were family and that was it. The three of us and no one else. I didn’t care about anyone else that wasn’t the same as me. At that point we had a clear agenda- get home! To hell with anything else. You know “feelings? What the hell are they? And what’s it to you anyway?” I might not have been happy…but I certainly wasn’t in as much pain.

Whatever, it’s not important now.

As I said this isn’t about me. I’m only writing because of Maria. I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about her. I’m not going to hurt her again. I won’t let anyone hurt her again. She deserves better. I want to give her better and I’ll look after her the way you did. So don’t worry…about anything. Let me handle it from here. You can take over again when we all meet up again. The eight of us will get together eventually…hopefully it will take a few years though.

See you eventually Alex. Keep yourself well or else Maria will kick your ass when she sees you…which will be in a very long time if I have anything to do with it.

Bye.

Michael

End