A Letter To Alex...From Max

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

Category: Angst

Summary: Come on, it's pretty self explanatory isn't it? Set after Alex's death but AU (since they were written before the episode aired ;)).

Authors Notes: This whole series became AU after the writers screwed up and did what they did with Tess so you will see things mentioned that didn't happen in the show ie, Tess and Max aren't together, Tess didn't kill Alex yada yada yada. You'll see when you read anyway.

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Hey Alex,
How’s it going? It’s only me. I’m just checking, you know to see that you’re ok…that everything is alright. Is it? Things here are ok…we’re all working towards getting back on a “even-keel” so to speak. We’re doing ok, we will be ok. We’ll all be fine, I’m making sure of it. You don’t need to worry.

My mom’s been really worried about Isabel…so have I been. She’s pretending that she’s doing ok..but I hear her crying in her room every night. I know that she’s putting up a front for the others. I know that her heart has been broken. I know how unbearable things are for her- if I had lost Liz; I would feel the same. Not that I’d want it to be you. Please don’t think that, I would give anything for you to come back. I didn’t mean that to sound like it did. I’m sorry. This is why before we met you all we always said we shouldn't let anyone get close. Of course you all came along and made that impossible. You do know it’s scary how you all made us feel? Our lives would have been so empty without you in it…who was it that said that we ruined it for you all? Probably Maria…it sounds like something she’d say, but if we didn’t have you all: we wouldn’t be the same people…we wouldn’t be as happy. Even Michael and Tess, I mean as much as Michael is a pain in the ass just now…he was 100% worse before him and Maria got together. And I know that Tess finally feels like a part of a family at the Valenti’s, she doesn’t know that no one is buying the “brother and sister” act that her and Kyle are pulling.

It’s funny, if I had to pick any man on the planet for Isabel to be in love with…hell, if I had to pick any man in the universe for her to be in love with- I would have chosen you every time. I mean, you’re funny, you’re selfless, the girls all say you’re “cute” (sorry, but I’m not going to comment on that one.)…and you love her, despite everything. But despite everything, despite how right you are for her and how right she is for you..it wasn’t meant to be. “Meant to be”..I never thought I’d be saying those words, the words of destiny. It’s funny I never bought into the “destiny” thing but I used to believe in fate: I believed that it was fate that made me be there to save Liz that day at the Crashdown. I believed that it was fate that made us find Michael after losing him in the desert and I believed that it was fate that made us all meet up. I believed fate was responsible for everything good in our lives and even some of the harder things. But now? Now I hate fate…it’s worse than destiny. Fate made you leave us- even destiny didn't cause that to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about how things have changed. It’s funny the things that can change in the space of a year isn’t it? I mean who would have thought last year that Liz and Tess would be friends? Sort of friends anyway. Who would have thought that Michael would be the one to commit to Maria? Who would have thought that you and Izzy would be dating and she would admit to loving you? This time last year we had just met up with Tess and Nasedo. Kyle and his dad didn't know about us and the sheriff was still hunting us..kind of anyway. Pierce..was closing in on us...closing in on me. And we hadn't even got the message from the orbs yet. Three happy couples plus Tess and Nasedo. Then everything got screwed up. Of course then things worked themselves out, you and Izzy, Michael and Maria. Tess got a family and I had a weird relationship with Liz. But we were mostly happy. For the first time in a long time. Then things fell apart...again. Like I said, it’s funny…or is the word ironic? You know- things are good for a second, things you’ve waited a lifetime for before they irreparably fall apart? Hmm, I don’t know what the best word to describe it is. Actually I do…Tragic.

I wish we had spent a little more time together, just the two of us. I don't think I can remember the last real conversation we had, which is sad. For me anyway, I mean technically I owe you my life. I owe all of you my life but you especially. You helped me even though you didn't know me or even trust me. I don't think I would have done that for someone my best friends were lying to protect. You always were different that way. Loyal to a fault...ok, loyalty isn't really a fault but I think you know what I mean. To protect us you would do just about anything wouldn't you? First the blood sample, then exposing Topolsky and then..then you did that..that last thing you did... Was that to protect us? Liz knows that something wasn't right...I don't know what to think. But if it was to protect us..it was stupid. We would have worked it out; we would have somehow helped you. Whyever you did it it doesn't matter. All that matters is I could...no, I SHOULD have helped you. I should have been faster getting therefor you; I was for Liz. And for Kyle. Why couldn't I have been faster for you? I'm sorry, this is turning into a one-man pity show, I’ll stop. What was I saying? Oh yes..the last real conversation we had. I think I remember it, we were at the quad at lunch before the others arrived and you asked me about the Liz/Tess thing. I don't think I gave you a straight answer and I remember you said I should stop messing about with Liz and Tess' emotions..and to just pick one of them because they both deserved better. You said it would help the three of us move on. I think I gave you an exasperated "I know I know, you're right" before the others arrived and the conversation topic changed. I did think about what you said though and I tried to make a choice. I didn't know about the "future" thing then. I just knew that Tess cared for me and would never betray me like Liz apparently had. Tess was tempting only because I didn't want to love Liz anymore (not that I was successful). I treated Tess badly..and you were right she deserves better. I'm not saying Kyle's perfect but he would never hurt her or let anyone else hurt her. You wouldn't let anyone hurt her either even though you never said anything to her. I guess she was finally accepted.

Oh no, there's Isabel crying again. Another nightmare I think. I would go but she doesn't let me in anymore. I can't stop the nightmares she's having or help her stop crying like I used to. She won't let me. I don't know if it's because she blames me or if it's because she's frightened of letting anyone get to close in case her carefully crafted facade crumbles. Don't worry, my mom's away in to her room again. She'll get her through it. I've actually been thinking about telling my mom everything, I think Isabel needs her just now, and because she has to hold back it's making it harder for her. Michael wouldn't like it, but in truth? I don't care, he doesn't know how hard it is for her..how hard it is for us. She needs her mother...we both need our mother. Now, more than ever.

I never even noticed the time I better go. I promised Liz that I'd pick her up for school tomorrow. See Alex, I took your advice, I made my choice. I chose love over destiny. And I think we're all happier because of it. Thank you for that advice. Thank you for everything.

I don't know how to end this..."goodbye" is final, "see you" is corny.."love" is too weird. I think I've been spending too much time with Maria, I'm beginning to write my thoughts down on paper-, which is just strange. I really have to go now. Keep yourself safe Alex, all of us will see you soon, try not to forget about us...not even Kyle, (even though you might want to.)

Bye.

Max Evans

End