Living The Lie

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...The song is by Tracy Lawrence and I don't own that either...very pretty song, very country though...

Category: Dark fic

Summary: Alex POV of events after CYN - AU fic

Authors Notes: Forget the nonsense we found out in Departure - none of it happened here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wearily open my eyes and wonder how long I was knocked out for. I don’t remember at what point it was that I lost consciousness but I’m pretty sure that I should hurt more at the moment. That’s what's weird, it’s weird that after everything that happened when I was awake that I am not aching. In fact, I don’t feel anything except a strange numbness. For a second as I lie here I wonder if I’m...dead. Wouldn’t that be ironic? To come through this all to die now that I have a little hope? Now that they know I’m here. I sit up and then I feel it...broken bones and open wounds all knit together as my body moves. I can’t stop a small scream escape from my lips at the pain I’m feeling but, in a way it’s reassuring...in a weird way. It’s a sure sign that I am still alive and that gives me a little relief...how warped is that? I’m actually relieved that I’m hurting?

As I grit my teeth I see the figure walk slowly towards me. Lonnie. I despise her. As she sits down I see that she’s carrying a glass of water and a plate of food. She smiles at me and I wonder how she can look so like Isabel yet so different. I would die to see Isabel smile yet Lonnie’s smile makes my skin crawl. But this one is different, this smile almost seems to be sympathetic. It almost has a trace of being genuine about it. Almost.

“I ain’t goin’ to say this again t’you...so you betta listen. I...I’m sorry we messed you up as much. Nicky and me got a bit carried away wit’ it, y’know? Anyway...here...”

With that she raises her hand towards me and I involuntarily back up a little. I don’t consider myself a coward and the fact that they can extract this sort of involuntarily response sickens me. I want to scream at her and then strangle her- that would mean it was one down and one to go. But I don’t, I look at her as she starts to speak again. Maybe she isn’t all bad. Maybe she is capable of remorse. Maybe she does care a little...

“C’mon...I ain’t going to mess you about. I didn’t have to come here ya know? If I had wanted you dead why would I be here apologisin’? But hey, you ain’t wantin’ to trust what I’m sayin’ that’s your loss. You can go on hurtin’...”

I look at her and find it difficult to read her. It’s so difficult to tell what she’s thinking. Is she lying to me to lure me into a false sense of security before she screws me over again? I think about it and I realise that at this moment I really don’t care. I just need someone to be friendly...someone who at least pretends to care. Someone that I can touch even for a second. Someone that will let me remember that I am not alone in this anymore. That’s why, despite everything I find myself talking to her and reaching out to touch her arm. As our skin touches she smiles at me again. This smile is definitely genuine. I’m sure it is. No one could lie like that.

“I...I...ok. Than...thank you Lonnie.”

The words almost stick in my throat as she starts to smile at me. Deep down I feel she’s tricking me and it worries me that I don’t care. Have I become so desperate? She sits down and waves her hand and the pain disappears. She must be a lot more powerful than the others because she doesn’t seem drained at all, which is a little disconcerting to say the least. But at least I can breath easier.

“There y’go. All fixed up. See, I ain’t all bad. Y’know? I actually like you Alex, you’re pretty spunky for a human. I betcha that you and me would have been tight under other circumstances. I mean, at first I didn’t get what Isabel saw in you, but now? Now I totally buy it. It’s a pity we had t’take you...but Khivar need’d himself a body. You jus’ got unlucky...or lucky, I guess.”

“Lucky? You think I got lucky? I was in love with a great girl. I had great friends, I had great parents and you all took that away from me. You stole my body and you don’t give a damn about my mind...I don’t think that makes me lucky!”

“You’re lucky ‘cause no matter what happens...you’ll live. The res’ of them won’t. We get the granolith and they’ll burn, but you? You get to live, ‘cause you’re the host.”

She looks at me with a strange look like I should be grateful. She looks at me like I'm the stupidest person alive and that I should be grateful because of the great honour that they are letting me live. I feel the bile rise in my throat as the thoughts of Isabel, Maria, Liz, Kyle and the others all burning with me looking on helplessly form in my mind. Is it her? Is she making me see this? I look at her and realise that I can’t blame her for this...this is formed with my own mind. But as I look I feel like a traitor as I realise that I was starting to enjoy the company. Her company. I force myself to swallow and I take a deep breath to help me control my temper. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to get myself killed.

“I will not let you kill them. I will kill myself with Khivar in my body if I have to but you will NOT hurt them!”

Lonnie looks at me, she grins at me as she hands me the plate.

“You really believe that don’chu? You really think tha’ you have a say in how this is goin’ down?”

She stands up and walks in front of me and begins to laugh.

“Tha’s kinda sweet. Dumb but sweet...no wonder Isabel went for you. But I bet she’d be more interested with Khivar in control...what do you think? She’d have that dumb grin o’ yours but with a darker edge...she’d probably not ev’n notice ‘till it was too late...and then...”

I glare at her as she laughs harder.

“Then the las’ thing she’d see would be you killin’ her. What’chu think of that opie?”

I suddenly find my feet and in a second I throw the plate hard at her head and while she’s reeling I throw myself at her, careful to pin her hands so that she can’t touch me and use her powers. I raise my fist and in that second I look down and see Isabel’s face. I have never punched a woman. Hell, I’ve barely punched a guy but...

A voice in the back of my mind whispers to me that she’s evil and she deserves it and I raise my fist and feel it strain as I get ready to punch her grinning, twisted face in. It’s then I hesitate...if I do this now, if I do things that are wrong because of them then they win. Whether I beat them or not they’ll win because I won’t be the same. I’ll never be the same anyway but...but she’s a woman. She looks like Isabel. I could never hurt Isabel...

As I think about what to do I feel a hot stab going through my skull and then I realise that I’m no longer in control. I hear my voice come from my body and I see Lonnie smiling.

“Well done Vilandra.”

“What the hell kept’chu? I thought I was goin’ to have to hurt him again. Well, all for the good o’ the team right? Poor guy didn’ know what hit ‘im. I think he was startin’ to like me.”

I scream at her. My voice leaving my throat but I know it isn’t audible. The bitch tricked me...she made me talk to her. She made me think about Isabel. She made me think she was genuine...

“Where’s Nicholaus? Are we ready to go?”

“Nicky boy’s upstairs mapping out the plan. Poor boy is gonna give himself a heart attack...he’s all obsessed with details...”

I listen on, determined to get times and places. I’ll teach that bitch a lesson for using me. My anger scares me...so much for not changing because of them.

“We cannot afford this to go wrong. Everything has to be planned to perfection.”

“Khivar, things will go down great. You and Nicholaus get the granolith and I’ll get to play wit’ the others. They don’t have a prayer...by the time they work it out...boom. Nothin’ left to save. You can trust me...I want let’chu down like that other bitch would. Me and you hav’ got somethin’ special goin’ on. Beside’s, I wanna see her face when she sees me getting it on with ‘her man.’”

I look at her with disgust and a sense of pride, it won’t be the surprise they’re expecting. That ‘bitch’ will have Lonnie begging for mercy. I guarantee it.

“C’mon, it’s a long drive and I want to get there before I get too weak. Although that will be a lot easier since he didn’t fight me this time. Of course, thanks to you Vilandra, he didn’t have much warning.”

He walks towards her and kisses her as she answers. There is something really disturbing about that but I can’t leave just now. I need to know this. My friends need to know this. They need to be saved.

“Well, force can only get’chu so far in life. Nicky doesn’t quite grasp that when it regards the body.”

“Nicholaus is a good soldier and a good tactition...he just doesn’t see why he should be playing baby-sitter. So, my Lady, shall we get going? It’s a long way to New York and even longer to Roswell...so lets get going.”

Lonnie and Khivar walk out leaving me alone staring after them quizzically.

New York? Why? Why would they want to go to New York? There’s nothing there...is there? Maybe Lonnie wants to go home before she dies...back to the sewers where she belongs. Whatever, that means it will only be about 4 or 5 days before they get to Roswell. That’s all I need. That’s all I need! I can’t help but laugh inwardly as I imagine what will happen to them all when they arrive in Roswell. I see their faces contorted in pain like mine has been so often in the past and I smile. I hear their tortured screams begging for mercy and I feel good? And I see the traces of tears as they fall when their minds are being ripped asunder like mine has been for the past... past...how long have they had me here? It’s then I realise I don’t know...how many days have they had me? How many hours haven’t been my own? How long before I can taste fresh air again? How long before I can laugh? How long before I stop hating? How long before I’m me again?...It’s then I realise that I will never be “me” again. They killed “me”. I would never have looked forward to a person being hurt before. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate the three of my captors. And for that I feel sad...I don’t like feeling like this. I’m a good person, this shouldn’t be happening to me...but it is.

I mentally give myself a shake. So what if I hate them? No one deserves to be hated more than they do...and I have a job to do. I have to save the people I love. So I close my eyes and disappear...I have to find Liz and let her know what’s happening now. Besides if I keep myself busy it means I don’t have to think about “them”. And that means I can pretend that I’m still the same as I was before I was taken. And I need that just now. I didn’t know how much I needed it...

TBC

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