Living The Lie

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...The song is by Tracy Lawrence and I don't own that either...very pretty song, very country though...

Category: Dark fic

Summary: Alex POV of events after CYN - AU fic

Authors Notes: Forget the nonsense we found out in Departure - none of it happened here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I finally arrive at Liz’s. Isabels words are still echoing in my ears and I can still taste her lips as if they were still pressed against my own. I’m not sure I have ever hurt as much in my life as I do now...I’m not sure anything has hurt as much as when she told me she loved me and I couldn’t show her that I felt the same. Sure I said it...but she didn’t know it was me. She didn’t know...that I would give up anything for her...that I will always love her. She didn’t know that I had died for her...

Doesn’t matter, I'll tell her everything one day. One of the many promises I have made myself in the past few days. That goes up there above bungee jumping and having a number one album, of course...neither of them will happen if I don’t start working out how to get out of here; or more importantly, getting Khivar out of my body. I look at Liz, the candles beside her bed are still smoking so I assume she has just gotten to sleep. I look at the clock...god, it’s 3.37am. Why would she be up that late on a weeknight? It’s then I see the photos sitting beside her bed, the receipt from the Thai food guy...and the Beth Orton tickets I had got for me and Isabel. She’s trying to work out what happened, she doesn't believe what they are saying about me. I almost smile as I walk beside her desk, she’s fighting for me. On her desk there's a piece of paper with lines from a poem written on it. I say lines but it’s actually the one line written over and over again. I try and strain in the dull light to read it...”Miles to go before I sleep.” That lines from the Robert Frost book I kept the tickets in, that's how she knew! I say that's why she knew, but I know it goes deeper than that. She knew because she knew me. She knew me inside out, the same way Ii know her inside out. Liz, Maria and me, different but fundamentally the same. We know each other better than we know ourselves. My bestfriends...my sisters. They were mine before they were Max’s or Michael’s. They will always be my girls. No matter what.

No matter what!

I realize reminiscing is doing no good to anyone so I quickly walk towards Liz. Are those tear stains on her cheeks? I shake the thought from my head...I have to stop this. They will be sad. They just buried “me”...they have to grieve. Its not my fault that they are in pain. Ii know that's the case but it still hurts. I close my eyes and silently apologize to Liz for intruding in her dream...but, I have no other choice.

I arrive in Liz’s dream and have a look around. It’s a strange place...it looks like...the school, only not. Everything looks so big...and...cold. I try and find Liz...which shouldn’t be hard considering the building is empty but she doesn’t seem to be here. It’s her dream and she’s not here? This is weird...i didn’t know that happened. Of course I didn’t know a lot of stuff before all of this started... It’s then I hear her voice talking to someone. Max? Yes...she is talking with Max. Poor Liz, she loves him so much but has sacrificed it all more than once for the rest of us...I want to leave, but I know I can’t do that. I’m intruding in her happy dreams and I have to, all of our lives depend on it. After considering going to see Kyle I realize it really has to be Liz I see first, she’s more likely to believe me. I decide to give her another couple of minutes at being completely happy.

I hear raised voices behind me and that makes me turn to look at the scene that had unfolded as my back had been turned. Dream Max has morphed into the Max that stormed out of my room a few days ago. He is yelling at her and as she begs him to believe her he walks through her and disappears. She collapses on the ground in tears, I don’t know if they are tears of frustration, tears of pain or tears of loss. I only know they are tears that my best friend is crying...and that's all I need to know. I go over to her and sit down beside her, careful not to startle her. She looks up at me, beautiful brown eyes glistening with tears.

“A..Alex?”

I smile at her, trying to make her feel better. Trying to make her know that I’m here for her. Trying to get her to see me as a real person and not a dream illusion.

“Hey Liz...how’s it going?”

“Why...why are you here? I...I can’t see you just now...please...please go.”

The fact that she wants me to leave isn’t really what hurts the most, what hurts the most here is the pain I see in her eyes. She gives me a look that makes me feel bad for inflicting this on her shoulders. No one should have to feel what she’s feeling. But...

“I need your help Liz...I’m sorry, but you’re the only one I can come to...”

“Your not real Alex! I know you didn’t kill yourself and I will avenge you but...you can’t be here...I can’t see you...it hurts too much...”

Tthe background of the dream fades to reveal another place. I find it disconcerting...to say the least. But Liz seems to be oblivious. I try to see where we are but all I can see is a van in front of a building. I have no idea where we are.

“Liz, please listen to me. I didn’t kill myself...”

“I know you didn’t!”

“No...no, what I mean is...”

I suddenly feel a dull ache, Khivar is weakening in my body. I almost smile, my plan is working. Unfortunately, his timing stinks. I concentrate on saying what I have to say.

“What I mean is...I’m not dead. I am not dead.”

She looks at me before walking over towards the van. She then begins to talk like she’s reading a cue card. Her tone is monotonous, like if she showed any emotion she would lose it.

“On the 27th of April 2001, Alex Charles Whitman died in a car crash. He died instantly. His death was reported to his family and friends by Sheriff Jim Valenti. Said friends were gathered at the Crashdown before driving here, to the morgue where Max Evans broke into the van and attempted to heal the damage to Alex Whitman. After the failed attempt all 8...I mean 7 of us left here as the body of Alex Whitman was carried inside. 2 days later Alex Charles Whitman was buried...”

Wow...so that's how it happened. Just like that. A car crash then boom- nothing left. No friends, no family, no life.

“Liz stop this...I know what you all think, I know what Max saw looked real. I know you think you’re dreaming. But I don’t...don’t have a lot of time here. I cannot prove this to you if you don’t listen to me...”

She looks at me, desperate to believe what I’m saying. Yet terrified its all a dream. I’m terrified too...I’m terrified that I’m hurting her more with this. What if the others don’t believe her? What if she’s left alone because of me? What other choice do I have? None...

“Liz, I don’t have much time. I have to leave here soon...I’m getting weak but you have to hear this. On 27th April you and Maria left my house. After you left I started to remember things about what happened when I was in Sweden...or more importantly, things that happened when I didn’t go to Sweden. Khivar has taken control of my body again like he did for those 2 months...only this time he has no intention of giving it back. He had a husk made, and on the 27th, as I was about to tell you all what I remembered...I remember Nicholaus and Lonnie being there before I could escape. Then I feel them breaking my defenses down before he...got in. Now I can’t...I can’t escape. I need you to help me Liz. Help me before they do something to you all...he’s getting...getting stronger.”

She looks at me, I think...I think she’s trying to work out whether or not she could conjure a story like that up in her own subconscious.

“How do I know you’re real? You said you could prove it to me...you can’t. I know everything about what you and I did together. You’re a dream.”

With that the image begins to fade and I realize I only have seconds before she leaves. How do I prove it to her? I can’t make her believe something she doesn’t want to! Dammit, I can hardly fight the pull back to my body. But again, the longer I stay...stay here, the weaker Khivar will get. I suddenly remember a way I can prove it to her.

“I kissed Maria! We were...were 12 and she had just been made...made fun of by...by...Noel...Gratzler. He had said that no guy would ever want to kiss her because she was...weird. And we were sitting and she was crying and I...I kissed her. It was too weird though, so...so we agreed never to do it again or tell anyone. Even you...Ask her if you don’t...believe me. I have to go Liz, I need to go back to my body. Khivar is leaving...”

She looks at me with tears in her eyes as I leave her dream. I hear her whisper softly my name and I pray I got through in time. I stand aimlessly beside her bed. Kinda my last act of defiance regarding Khivar. Nicolaus and Lonnie are going to have fun with me no doubt. I’m scared.

Actually...I’m terrified.

Liz wakes up suddenly and switches her light...on. She grabs her phone and starts dialing the number, I know on instinct that she’s calling Maria and its confirmed when she asks whether or not...we kissed after Noel Gratzler....made her cry. As I feel myself disappear I see Liz smile, not only smile but actually smile broadly. She knows I’m alive...she believes me! She’ll help find me!

As I arrive in my body I realize everything hurts and I can barely raise the energy to open my eyelids. As I open them a crack I expect to see darkness, instead I see them.

My first instinct is to panic and scream. But I can’t do that, for 1 thing, I don’t have the energy and 2? It would just piss them off. I then silently remind myself that they cannot kill me. They can hurt me but they cannot kill me!

“So, Alex? The boss wants us to keep you occupied for a few hours so you are less of a pain in the ass when he wants to visit next time...you up for it?...Didn’t think so.”

With that they begin to laugh and I silently tell myself that it won’t be long before they come and get me. It won’t be long before I’m free. It won’t be long before I personally kill this little sadist. As the pain washes over me and I scream loud and try and reassure myself with everything I learned tonight. Isabel loves me and Liz knows I’m alive.

Isabel loves me and Liz knows I’m alive!

I’ll get out of here soon. (God that hurts!) And both of these grinning psychos will pay. Until then, I’ve learned a lot tonight...enough to get me through this. Just.

Isabel loves me and Liz knows I’m alive. Isabel loves me and Liz knows I’m alive. Isabel loves me and...

TBC

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