Living The Lie

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...The song is by Tracy Lawrence and I don't own that either...very pretty song, very country though...

Category: Dark fic

Summary: Alex POV of events after CYN - AU fic

Authors Notes: Forget the nonsense we found out in Departure - none of it happened here.

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I’m actually awake in my own body...which is a strange sensation. Ever since it happened...5 days ago I think it was, I haven’t really had enough time to settle back in. But here I am, awake and walking about in my own body...in what looks like a basement, but it really could be anywhere. It’s dark...there’s barely enough light to see but I know that as long as I’m quiet the chances of Nicolaus and Lonnie coming down to “play” with me is minimal. Now I have time to explore, try and find out something about where I am. Listen and try and find out what they want to do. But I don’t have much time. Khivar is due...I can feel my awareness lessen. A sure sign that things aren’t going to be “normal” for long. “Normal”...like any of this is “normal”. Like any of this has EVER been “normal”. But this is as close as it gets for me just now so I have to make the best of it. And, in order to do that I will give myself a...a...I can’t think of the word. He must be coming back soon. I force my brain to work through the strain...this too important to fail at! My head is pounding as I force the word from my lips. I will give myself a...a Manifesto!! It’s my plan...Khivar wants my body? He better be prepared to work for it.

I scavenge the floor for any shreds of paper that will let me see where abouts I am...I look for a clue out of the small windows that I have to climb to reach. I see nothing but my reflection. I look different. I put my hand up to my head and run my fingers through my hair. So this is what I’d look like as a blond? I look different...Isabel would have a hard time recognizing me like this. I look...strange. Blue eyes and blond hair, I liked my hair brown. I liked recognizing my own face when I looked in the mirror. I liked...I...liked....dammit! I can’t find the words...my head hurts so much but I can’t give in. The harder it is for him to get in the shorter he can stay here, and that means he can do less damage. I’m still looking at the window, desperately trying to see through the darkness outside. Could I fit through there? It would be really tight, but I have to try so I take a deep breath and smash it, praying the sound won’t alert anyone. As soon as the glass is free I try and squeeze my body through the small hole. God, it hurts! I feel a rouge shard of glass rip the flesh from my back and I have to bite my lip to stop from screaming...it’s only when I taste the blood in my mouth that I realize I have bitten through my lip. I try and ignore the pain as my head starts to spin from a combination of fatigue and pain...I see the ground and I make one final push with my free arms to get out the window. As I squeeze out it I feel the glass piercing and tearing my skin to shreds but at least, at last, I’m free from my prison. I fall to the ground, covered in blood and totally lost and I take a second to get my bearings before I begin to hobble away.

The pain in my head is excruciating but I keep fighting it, praying I can find a call-box to call my friends so they can save me. I run aimlessly in the dark for what seems like forever but must have only been a matter of minutes and it’s then that I hear the voice, the gentle voice that I fell in love with calling me desperately. How did she find me? Did she have a premonition like she had with Laurie? I call out her name hoping that she brought the others with her because there is no way the two of us has a chance against Nicholaus and Lonnie alone. I run in the direction of the sounds as she calls back. It’s only when I arrive at the area where I heard the sounds coming from I realize what has happened. She stepped in front of me smiling sadistically...the voice she had used to lure me here now dropped to reveal a thick New York accent. The little sadist is behind her looking at her lustfully before walking over to me and laughing. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have done this?

“The boss wants his toy back now Alex...and he says you haven’t been playing nice. Won’t let him share when he tried to get in.”

He touches my head and I fall to the ground fully aware of what’s coming next. I grit my teeth and swear I will kill them all one day. He looks at me with mock disappointment on his face, the typical school bully as he calls Lonnie over. She drops down in front of me and touches my head at the other side and smiles eagerly at Nicolaus who only gives her a slight nod as I feel my brain being ripped apart...memories and feelings extracted and replayed to cause the most amount of pain. Realizing the limitedness of this “preperation technique” they then go into phase two. Planting images of my family and friends hurt, or dead. I know they aren’t real, I know that they are trying to break me. I know all this but I scream because I see them...I feel them! As I feel the last shards of self-control leave my body I realize that Khivar is now in control and I am merely an observer now. I take a step back from the grinning group, Lonnie has wrapped herself in Khivars...in my arms. It makes me ill to think what those two get up to with my body. On the plus point Khivar has thoughtfully healed my injuries...and he is now dressing down Nicholaus for something. But that's not important now, what's important now is to find a way to free myself, and that means I have to leave here.

I can’t believe I came here, of all the places I said I wouldn’t go here was the one I swore I wouldn’t visit. She’s sleeping...she’s so beautiful. I walk beside her and hear her whimper softly in her sleep, is she dreaming about me? I move my hand beside her face, trying to offer some physical comfort to her but forgetting that I am not really here. Forgetting I am insubstantial. Forgetting that I am technically dead to everyone. She moans my name softly and my heart breaks, and in that second I decide I have to go in her dream and try and help her. Help her somehow.

The one thing I wish I had asked Isabel before this happened was how does she feel when she dream walks in another persons mind. I know she does it when she’s bored so I assume it’s not a bad experience for her but I have done it twice and it makes me feel awful. Like I am intruding on their most private thoughts...their most private feelings. But, needs must...and I need to make sure she’s all right before I get down to business.

I enter the dream and everything looks grey, but I hear a faint conversation in the background so I walk towards it. She’s standing there crying and looking at a phantom version of herself with blood on her hands. She suddenly drops to her knees and frantically tries to heal the figure on the ground. I walk over and look and take a deep breath as I see she’s trying to heal me...I’m covered in blood and she’s begging me to wake up. I want to move, to comfort her but for a second I am totally transfixed on the sight of myself...dead. Was that how they made me look? Was that what Max and my parents saw? Was that why I’m here? I shake my head forcefully, trying to shake those thoughts out my head and reminding myself that it was not me that looked like that. It was a cold, lifeless husk. Isabel looks up at the phantom version of herself and begs her to help her heal me...the phantom simply laughs and tells her to accept her destiny. Accept that Khivar did it for her...accept that she’s responsible. I hear her scream no..and it’s at that point that I come out of my stupor and run in front of her, dispersing her demons.

“Alex?”

She whispers my name...almost fearful that I will disappear from her. I try to speak but I know I won’t be able to keep the truth from her.

“You...you’re not real...you’re...you’re dead.”

Dead. I’m dead, that's what they all think. That’s what they all believe. How do I tell her? How do I tell her that her dream was eerily close to the truth in that Khivar did do it for her? I can’t do it, I could never hurt anyone like that...but especially not her. So I emboss a version of the truth...just enough to comfort her...

“Maybe...but it doesn’t matter...”

“It doesn’t matter? Of course it matters! You should be here!”

“Isabel? Listen...just listen to me. I swear to you that I will never leave you alone. But you have to stop blaming yourself...I swear to you that this has nothing to do with you. I wouldn’t be here if it was your fault would I?”

She looks at me, not just in a glancing way but she really looks. And I worry and hope in equal measure that she knows something.

“I love you Alex.”

Oh God, my heart aches at that moment and I want to say it back to her as everything surrounding us begins to fade and the surrounding becomes something else entirely. The prom! I shouldn’t have came here.

“This is where I planned my future with you Alex. Despite everything we had agreed, I knew even before that night that I was in love with you. But dancing with you here, kissing you here, I felt like I was invincible.”

She looks at me with such pain and in that second my resolve weakens and I kiss her as I whisper I love you to her. Almost as soon as our lips touch passionately I pull back, disgusted at my weakness. I'm supposed to be helping her! She has her eyes closed before she looks up hopefully at me as I decide to leave before I do anymore damage to her. I whisper I love you again as I leave and I faintly hear her speak as I disappear.

“Alex? ...Alex!”

I stand beside her bed for a second trying to remember that I don’t need air to breathe just now so my chest shouldn’t be hurting and as I have no body, those can’t be tears I feel in my eyes. It doesn’t matter...it feels real. It feels so painful and so real. I look at her sleeping and I see a gentle smile form as she begins to stir. She says my name again, but with more hope this time. That’s something then, it means she isn’t hurting just now. That’s something right? I take a final look at her as her eyes flicker open and she looks around the room and then I leave to go where I should have went first...I go to Liz.

TBC

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