A Letter To Alex...Love Diane

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

Category: Angst

Summary: Come on, it's pretty self explanatory isn't it? Set after Alex's death but AU (since they were written before the episode aired ;)).

Authors Notes: This whole series became AU after the writers screwed up and did what they did with Tess so you will see things mentioned that didn't happen in the show ie, Tess and Max aren't together, Tess didn't kill Alex yada yada yada. You'll see when you read anyway.

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Dear Alex,
How are you? I’d like to talk to you Alex for a little while if that’s ok? Don’t worry, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that we knew each other well. You know me as Max and Isabel’s mom…and as the woman who caught you in the middle of a striptease at my daughters surprise party…but I know you a lot better. I know you as the boy that my son considered one of his closest friends, I know you as the boy that cared for his friends deeply. I know you as the boy that loved my daughter and then looked on hurt as she left you and walked away with Grant (I know you thought no one could see you then, but I did.). I know you as the boy that somehow made my daughter eventually fall in love with you…and as the boy that made both my babies cry and I know that you’re the boy that has shattered my daughters heart into pieces. And despite being the one person outside of her family that she has ever let in to see the real her I’m afraid Alex, that you are the boy that is also slowly killing her, without even knowing it; and it’s killing me just as slowly because I can’t help.

That sounds harsh doesn’t it? I know it does…and for that I’m sorry. I know you loved Isabel deeply, I just wish sometimes - I just wish things were different.

Maybe I should explain myself a little so that you can perhaps understand what I mean, what do you think? Good, well here goes.

My children have always been special to me. I guess everyone’s children are special to them…but Max and Isabel have always been more than that. They are truly special…I can’t really explain why but I know that they are. Max has never really had any close friends other than Michael Guerin before a couple of years ago. Then one day he suddenly started talking about Liz, Maria and you Alex…of course he never said much about you all to me and his dad…but I would hear him and Isabel talking about you all at night. You all were so important to him…you could tell just with the tone of his voice. And I was pleased for him…he was finally finding the confidence that he had always lacked before…he still has it now in fact…and he’s turned into a fine young man, partly thanks to you. But Isabel was always different…she was always popular. She never had any problems making friends or getting dates…but she never saw anyone for more than a couple of dates. I always thought that she shut herself of from everyone in case they got too close to her, and I guess that was true. The only person I think she ever laughed with was her family and Michael. And then one day she mentioned she was going to see you. Naturally, being her mother, I asked about you and for the first time she blushed and giggled when she said you were “just a friend”. That was when I knew that you were special to her…and that she, for some reason, had let you in. You must have been a really great guy for that to happen and I was happy. My babies were growing up…and I was happy.

Then something happened, my son broke up with Liz and my daughter began to date an older man. I don’t know what happened in that summer…but it wasn’t good. Grant disappeared and then the prom came…and you and Isabel got back together. For a few weeks you both were happy. Isabel was the happiest I have ever seen her…she was happy and in love for the first time and it was with you. Things were perfect. And then it fell apart in the space of a minute. I will never understand how fate can be as cruel as to cut a life as short, I will never understand how fate can crush a persons heart so quickly when it has just fully experienced love. I will never understand why you two fell in love at last and then have it snatched away. I will never understand why she hurts as much.

For the first few days she was stoic…she never spoke of you. She just tidied the house and never sat down for a minute. I don’t think it had sank in…when the phone rang she would run to it and answer it like she expected it to be you, and when it wasn’t she would look at the receiver like it was keeping you from her. And then she had to say goodbye to you- and she had to accept that she would never see you again. It was then that everything went downhill. I knew it would hurt her…I just didn’t know it would hurt her so much.

She’s still crying for you, you know? During the day she seems fine, she goes to school, she laughs with Max, she talks with me and she talks on the phone to her friends. But at night, at night her sleep is plagued with nightmares wherein she’s begging Max to help you before she wakes up in floods of tears. I’ve had to go in to her 2 and 3 times some nights, knowing that she will just shut off as soon as I walk into her room. She’s trying to shut everyone out…including me. And as much as I don’t want to blame you, I know it’s your fault. You let her fall in love with you, you made her trust you enough to love you, and despite everything I have to thank you for, I can’t help but wish my baby hadn’t loved you as deeply.

My first impression of you Alex was of a sweet, genuine boy who wanted to protect my family. I have no doubt that you loved her, I have no doubt that I would have loved you almost as much as my daughter did if I had known you better, I have no doubt that I would have missed you as much as my son does. But I didn’t and that means I can’t help them.

I miss you because you are a life cut short, I miss you because my daughter is living in pain because you’re not here, and I miss you because you were too young to have to leave. I miss you because my children do…

I miss you Alex, because you were you…and you made an impression on everyone in my family.

I wish you the best but I beg you to look out for Isabel for me and help her move on. I’m scared that you will be the only one that can help her. I’m scared that she will never heal.

Goodbye Alex and thank you for listening to me. I wish I had spent as much time with you when you could have talked back to me.

Love,

Diane Evans.

End